HELL N HIGH WATER (24)

I had to overshare like this as my last step to let go.

I’ve held me down in many ways, being I’ve kept all my secrets and I simply do not care to care anymore.
“You’re such an old soul.”, “You’ve been here before.”, “How are you so wise?” Is what the people say and I’m none of that. I just had to mature faster than I was suppose to, I’ve been through a lot, seen even more, and my wisdom comes from reminiscing pain by hoping to not make the same mistakes I witnessed first hand…. yet I find myself having to start over again and again. ‘Free’ – Deneiece Williams

“Have you ever lost your everything friend?”
“Do you miss your GRANDmother?”
“Have you ever been chilling and just get annoyed with everything that exist and you can feel your temperament rising?”
“Who raised you? Yourself?”

I’ve been living uncomfortably all my life until the last like 2 months. I don’t mean this in any way more than the lack of self efficiency when understanding the development of my frustrations. As it’s so hard to be mad at things you LOVE or are taught to LOVE more than yourself. The frustration of essentially having nobody for such a long time to get people who eventually still disappear. The frustration of knowing what you should be doing, doing, then crashing right back down because your momentum is destroyed due to depression. BUT you keep trying to end up just more tired and more “irritated” because you don’t want to try but you know you’re worth a lot more, to others, than just giving up even though nobody is helping you up either. ‘Mad’ – Solange ft. Lil Wayne

I’m 24 today and to say I’m surprised isn’t the correct word. I’m impressed quite plainly. I have noticed I have no eagerness to live probably from being burnt out from having to survive. I’m 24 but catching up with the childhood I didn’t have a chance to experience while also growing up and experiencing life from an adult perspective. It’s not that it’s difficult but it’s severely tiresome, it’s confusing. I’m playing catch up and undoing all bad things that were done to me that I took personally while reminding myself I’m deserving of good things in general. I’m also tired. I’m ready, to stop self sabotaging. 

I’ve experienced some things that I never realized truly bothered me as I’ve just brushed them off, so I thought, and that resulted in me being “mean”? “aggressive”? “quiet”, “unforgiving”, due to circumstances beyond my control sometimes; I lost my grandmother at 4! I remember that series of events vividly. My first bestie, my first memories, my first defense in favor of me just being!! GONE. Forever thankful for my infinite Angel, oh how I miss her. I’ve been sexually assaulted twice, my father has been in prison since I was a newborn[I just now stopped resenting him for that, yet it’s a lack of respect that will probably remain but I digress.] I don’t have too many childhood memories, worth repeating. (A trauma response or maybe lack of childhood completely.) I don’t have many childhood photos either actually.[which is why I love my photo albums so much.] I’d have a 5 year old right now if I didn’t miscarry and nobody knows that unless you’re someone that’s reading this right now. I grew up with a very hard working single mother, so from like 3rd grade til 12th off but mainly on. I was walking myself to school and home..just home alone for the most part for a very long time[which is probably why I hate co dependency or don’t understand it as I never got the chance to experience it.] OR I found myself wanting to be in the house with my family, but not wanting to explain that a part of me is enjoying the fact I’m not home alone! So it might’ve looked like I had an unhealthy attachment to being a homebody, let alone my mother [but realistically although I was around my mother I didn’t get the opportunity to truly spend time with the woman growing up! and I actually like her as a human being so to be able to catch up on time became important to me.] So now with that background knowledge imagine how annoying it is to hear “you’re boring.” Yet it’s nothing I was willing to do about that because people didn’t know the underlying details of my life to understand why I am how I am, as I also didn’t see the benefit of sharing like I am now. [lol inner child healing they call it.] I have LITTLE[less than 10] to no extend relatives like cousins as they simply aren’t good people among other things.[and I will never subject myself to endure in the name of a bloodline that has done nothing but contribute to said trials]. So the family dynamic I unintentionally built up through this website & internet is sincerely the most I have, and I am extraordinarily thankful for it.

(all this makes me cry when I speak about it or as I type it up I start to tear up.) 
I started working on this blog mid November or so. Around that time I realized what my problem was and it has taken me til the week of January 5th to not cry when I reread or work on it and that’s also why it’s written in present and past tense.

I’ve learned to understand every walk of life in order to respect what I’ve learned from it but I’ve never taken the time to be upset or feel in general because my time is taken up being a team player. I just carry my hurt. 

I carry my hurt and then wonder why I’m so angry and feel entitled to experiencing better. When really I’m angry because I know I deserve better than victimizing myself  wasting time trying to figure out what doesn’t make sense. Like being broken up with completely sporadically to leave me wondering for a year+ “What did I do?” to be told “You didn’t do nothing.” but still it’s been too long and the betrayal was too strong so now… you have a hard time getting use to people romantically as you think “something’s got to be wrong with me?” then you develop a habit of being pretty careless since you’re waiting for people to leave, like they always do. <That break up made me cry every day/night for a year, I was my most angry and easily irritated + It has to be a science to it because I was always 1 to have a nightmare occasionally. Then after that I started having intense nightmares every night to the point I’d wake up shaking. Which is another set back that’s adds onto the frustration because sleep is suppose to be a form of peace and I feel like, better yet I know, my abandonment issues follow me into my sleep? Pathetic, embarrassing to explain as well.>  Or the fact people usually only want me on their own terms/time and once I’m no longer beneficial or so selfless suddenly my character is soooooooo jaded. Yet with that common knowledge I’m still a serial team player[probably because I know how it feels to be inconvenienced by this life shit from a lack of having help/companionship and I don’t ever want to be an inconvenience as such]. So I disregard the fact people are more often then not manipulative. Therefore I am often manipulated in the sake of being over-standing so again, I get upset. Unfortunately my upset boils over into misdirected aggression resulting in me shutting everybody out. ‘Bag Lady’ – Erykah Badu

My days and coping mechanisms have gotten better specifically when I started putting me first.
I did something for someone a few days ago and it didn’t make me feel good, the way it made them feel good and I thought…”Yea, I need to consider the fact I just disregarded me to satisfy someone else.” Like why do I not feel the same importance to honor me as I sacrifice parts of myself to aid people who I feel are of that importance?

I use to be like “I’m so glad I’m not a victim of this cruel world.” Whole time… I too am a victim as such. It’s just the fact I was a victim of my circumstances due to the same world I thought I was outsmarting but really just adapting to emotional unavailability. Which cut my emotional intelligence short and that deprived me from being emotional in general [I didn’t cry for a very* long time]. But we’ve learned! as we’ve lived and we have taken accountability to not only try to undo BUT change because I myself recognize I deserve to do better presented by me, myself, and I. It’s all about knowing you deserve better and being aware you know better than what you decide to do, based on comfort, and you navigate from there. Bettering yourself is easier to think about rather than to do when you’ve become use to the repetitiveness. For me at least it was always easier to stay linear to comfort as I knew the outcome of dealing the same s***. I knew it was an issue but the fact working with the “issue(s)” instead of working on myself was just… easier. You gotta want [it] more than you want s*** to just work! ‘Self Love’ – Mavi

FRIENDS

Finding friends has always been “hard” for me. In grade school I didn’t have many friends, I was just there which was fine as I didn’t really talk much in my younger days. Middle school I thought I had some friends but to be fully aware people might not actually like you but it’s nothing you can do about it because they’re all you got is… what it is. Now at my bigger age I have finally found my people. Oh how I adore them, to be embraced by, valued by, loved on, I love my friends. I think everyday I give thanks for “my people”, I finally found my people. I’ll probably never be able to explain why I value my friends the way I truly do(but I’m about to try). It’s nothing more than they allow me to see and enjoy the capability of true love from a world that has given me such a hard f****** time. My friends, it’s an interesting dynamic as they believe I’m so kind and so on. As I like to say in return “I’m a reflection of you.” but it’s the truth. [So sometimes I wonder if they’re aware they’re some of the sweetest beings as what they extend to me I send right back.] It took this year for me to really realize I needed people, foreal. Nothing makes me happyer than the fact I have people now. People I mean something to, not even from a validating standpoint they just look forward to me!!!! Even as I’ve went through my personal battles among myself they are still happy I’m here with no expectations of me other than to show up. I’m loved, and I’ve never felt that before [which is why my lust life created a very desperado version of me]. I’m aware I have been appreciated by many but I am also aware I was not loved as a whole being. If anything I was encouraged to change and now I’m around some people who love me because I am me, and I Try. Wholeheartedly. They teach me, they nurture me in ways they’re unaware of. Nothing will ever bring me as much joy or satisfaction as my loved ones, my friends. Which is why I get so damn upset when men try to infiltrate the importance of what friendship is to me to satisfy their sexual desires, it offends me deeply. My friendships are personal to me, to trust me enough to share your world with me?! I can get to know you? It makes you wanna stay on earth and look forward to being here as you look forward to the people around you. It’ll forever be my honor to do right by who have provided me with what I thought I didn’t need because I never experienced it without sufferance as a co-sign to prove my worthiness to know what it felt like to have love, kindness, patience, and appreciation extended to me with no stipulations. ‘Family’ – Blood Orange ft. Janet Mock

And of course I still find myself struggling in someways some days but I keep trying with the best of my efforts, truth behind my intent, and being prepared to take accountability of the part I’ve played in whatever to help me as my emotions emote. Like I said after a while you get tired and you really realize your eagerness to DO BETTER than what’s been done outweighs your weary. This is coming from someone who had the tendency to sabotage the good just to be comforted by the sad because that’s all I knew how to be and now I’m deciding it’ll probably be easier to be… me, in the best ways I can be. ‘RUNITUP’ – Tyler, The Creator

| THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU IN EVERY PLACE, SPACE, OR TIME— WISHING EVERYBODY BETTER, PEACE, JOY, PROSPERITY, and SINCERE LOVE. ALWAYS N ALL WAYS | 

XOXO 

I had to start over 1000 times and this is probably my 11th life but I am here, willing to start again if need be. 

Full Circle Half Empty

my life has been full circle the last couple months, may i humbly say…i’d consider it “complete”[as time has progressed i have decided that my life in its entirety isn’t “complete” but more specifically a phase..the first one…in which i’ve been working on for years.]
also a part of me goes back in forth with the idea i might be thinking to “low” when i say that, but honestly it feels right to say. and when i change my mind to consider i might be wrong.. it’s really not from the perspective of me but more so what the world pushes you to feel about your everything.
it’s always more that can be done or obtained and for whatever reason being comfortable is never enough.
oh the irony in that! [when you’re hardbody and think about how sweet a soft day would be. or when you’ve adapted to being uncomfortable for such a long time, when s*** isn’t hard you don’t know how to function with leisure.]

*a conversation for another day would be how comfort is being given the same context as greed, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

i assume i’ll never be 100% with the dynamics that make up my everything as nobody is perfect but i consider myself a circle and at this time im full as in complete but empty.
maybe my circle isn’t complete because i always find myself getting halfway full then it starts to deplete then.. i wake up and it’s empty. and honestly i don’t feel anyway about it because i’ve taken the time out of living too understand myself more and it’s more to be understood(for example why can’t i maintain happyness? or whatever that fills up my circle. CERTAINTY!!! for example i manage to get to like 66% these days before it’s time to try it all over again.)

as i’ve lived, i feel like i make progress then i find myself reliving shit i thought i learned from. eventually i caught on to the fact i adapted to damaged control ~ although i knew the outcome of what i was doing, unfavorable or not, it gave me a sense of control when navigating it.
which is so silly.
and this full circle half empty reoccurrence is life reliving that ..but maybe emotionally?[i wish i could go back in time to just watch how many days i’d maintain peace. to know if on average growing up i managed to have…let’s say..11 good days before it was just striped from under me and now my brain just allows me 11 then self destructs as a natural reaction, get me?]
in addition to that im not sure about much of anything or how to even assess anything after that last sentence but i will say, im alright or my best self right now. yet it’s a form of emptiness that comes with that called “well what’s next?” what do i do now.

full circle half empty by me

and as i write im starting to realize that, that the “emptiness” i maintain is because im to busy dwelling on the fact i don’t have the answers as i always do and it’s no problem to solve to know anything.. so now im just doing on my own accord… and i know no freedom as such that’s equivalent to freedom of self where you figure stuff out beyond what you’re use to.

i have a slight theory that i have advanced passed “damage control” to understand that i have no eagerness to partake in self sabotage out of curiosity, boredom, or uncertainty as an escape goat for what might just be me experiencing a pure form of peace.
im chilling.
so within that theory im stuck at a place of not having the answers while being eager to experience to contribute to what has become FULFILLING TO ME.

truth be told im also slightly scared that maybe if i take this time to just enjoy how far i’ve come, maybe im missing out or could be using my time better.[but what’s better than self awareness/growth?]
i notice that i have to remind myself, a lot of things, but that uncertainty is just me seconding guessing myself.

{its a note to self on this page that says “i should really just take the time to enjoy a picnic to be proud of the fruit im bearing from my labors before my back starts hurting or start spilling fruit.”}

i hope everybody is taking time to get right with themselves as your just as important as the elements you make up
WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY
always, all ways
XOXO

A Short Sermon: Entitlement Spitefulment

Forever thankful to be gentle enough to break myself down in order to be strong enough to build myself back up.

Today we will talk about entitlement; just like the “Am I Sensitive?” blog I am here to admit I am, trying not to be, entitled to a persons ability to do anything that involves me. I would love to try to figure out how to differentiate entitlement from respect but I don’t really know where to begin…if I don’t hold people accountable that will result in disrespect right?

I rEsPeCt YoU sO yOu HaVe TO rEsPeCt mE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s not how it works at all, in fact a person doesn’t have to do anything and I’m just now growing up high enough to understand it’s nothing I can do about that. Except accept it in order to respect it (or myself) enough to not deal with it and that’s it, it’s really no common ground without making excuses and I’m no longer willing to compromise with the “but’s” of life as far as considering what I sincerely have a distaste for. In a perfect world reciprocation wouldn’t be as tedious as it is for me, which has resulted in me taking the initiative to be around those who understand the concept of common courtesy to make my life “easier” when it comes to co-existing with others. At this point in my life I’m pretty “tired” for a lack of words disinterested in the eagerness of things as simple as having to prove my willingness like I’ve said before, and in my journey of breaking the habit of having a kink for finding comfort in being uncomfortable… I’ve been allowed a lot of time to self reflect so I can rework my life (take accountability for how I’m treated because it starts with me but that’s a conversation for another day).

With that I’ve noticed Entitlement is rooted in selfishness and it is selfish of me to have expectations for people who did not ask to have the responsibility of carrying out my premeditated expectations of them, that more than likely doesn’t even have anything to do with them, but make up for something someone has already done. That I use to define what relationships, in general, are regardless of individuality in contrast. Or realizing even if I don’t choose to hold expectations over a persons head when dealing with them, understanding that the outcome might be repetitive because I keep surrounding myself around the same kind of people.
So shame on me.

Entitlement will also have you unintentionally questioning yourself as well, especially if you’re the type to internalize the actions of others like I use to. It’s been a many of times where I just said “What’s wrong with me?” because I felt like… and I promise it’s not that serious. You just have to take things for exactly what they are.

Well that’s it for this chapter of unlearning bad habits. This process I’m going through calling myself out has been for the better, I function a lot more swiftly since I’m more light hearted. I promised to extend my ability to be over-standing to myself and it’s the best thing I could’ve done. Until next time.

Wishing Everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All Ways.
Talk To You Later
XOXO

GHOSTBUSTED

Do you believe in formal break ups? I do, maybe because I’ve never been given the opportunity to experience anything other than abandonment, in which I will admit matured me but has also been kind of… traumatic along with set the tone on how I deal/adapt to others ideally.

Have you ever been ghosted?
As I’ve gotten older I can comprehend the “embarrassment” that comes with being ghosted and to say I once respected it would be showcasing how naive I was in the name of admiration because it wasn’t love.

I asked generally why do people ghost people outside of feeling dismissed by who they no longer want to deal with and that was still the main answer but someone also said “in the past when I had terrible communication skills I use to ghost n****s because I didn’t know how to express it” in addition to something else but that’s the kind of sensible accountable answer I was looking for, to put the idea of “ghosting” into perspective for me.

Out of the 2 relationships + 1 situationship I truly do not count but are essential to this blog post I haven’t been giving the courtesy of any communication really to understand why people just wake up with a change of heart and in this months blog I will be sharing how ghosting has effected me in layers 🙂

I don’t feel entitled to common courtesy, or at least I didn’t.. I’ve been trying to work outside of that because it’s a declaration for lack of respect. I adapted to being very over-standing. Since I was introduced to being ghosted at such a tender age that resulted in anger.. the “love” outweighed my frustration. I decided to save face by conditioning myself to NOT expect anything more than s*** face behavior, from anyone, because if I understood that the 1 I adored might be a d*ck, uncommunicative, or even just an emotional con artist. It would be only right for me to accept what came of it whether it be good or ugly and honestly that’s kind of pathetic nor is it worth it.

So all of that was just surface level adaptation I always kept in mind when pursuing the next person because in my first ghosting instance, which was just a random cold block.

Eventually I fell in love again and guess what? yep.
I couldn’t believe it either.

The second time didn’t go anyway I thought I prepared for. I always felt like if I were to be ghosted again I would know how to handle it, I probably could’ve if I didn’t instill so much trust into the friendship base of that particular “relationship” but it makes no sense to move on with someone in skepticism in the name of “love”. (I read that love is powerful because it allows you to be vulnerable and I don’t know how I feel about that concept, although I subject myself to that said chaos.)
The irony of being essentially ghosted the second time made me even more angry because I was clear that being ghosted was something I hate so deeply and I can remember I mentioned this because I’ll never forget being laughed at and warned that they were the ghosting type. So I wholeheartedly blame myself for not taking those words and actions for what they were and giving the benefit of doubt instead, I caused myself a lot of heartache.

It’s messed up I blame myself for the inabilities of others but it’s true stance.
I question why I’m so easy to leave, why am I so easy to leave so carelessly.
I question what I do to drive people to not wanting anything to do with me sporadically.
I question if I’m as safe as I desire to be, but maybe I’m not because If I was then people would at least feel safe enough to communicate why they no longer like me generally.
I think deep down something because in no way, shape, or form did I not..even though I know I didn’t.
I feel small and intimated by the idea of seeing the person who ghosted me. As if 1 wrong move would result in them being disgusted with me and offend them in some way, because after all they don’t want to see me.

I don’t feel completely comfortable existing because to who I adored I’m aware my presence is …disturbing.

My favorite part is the fact I can’t count any “relationship” I’ve been in, so I’m often questioned or portrayed as crazy to the inquisitive. At my older age when a person is interested in you the discussion of “exes” come up and I genuinely do not know why people have walked out of my life to clarify anything.
The shit is sad.
Especially since the often rebuttal is “you had to have done something.” or the fact I’m essentially lying when I say “I’ve never been in a relationship.” because it’s a simpler answer yet I don’t like to tell stories so the statement is conflicting. A part of it that emphasizes my anger is the fact I’m holding myself myself accountable blindly. Why must I be considerate without being given consideration for a predicament I didn’t create? Why am I playing cat and mouse with my thoughts and actions to assure I don’t do whatever I did to cause a person to run from me again in the future.

It’s also interesting that people like to comeback eventually as well and as amazing as that would’ve been for me when I was younger, I’m no longer longing for my time to extend my forgiveness because now my distaste outweighs my admiration. I’m not hateful, it’s just awkward because I don’t know how to talk to not offend which will result in their absence again. Especially since I’ve grown upward since last interactions if it’s been years, I don’t want to reintroduce myself or let alone relearn someone.

In hindsight what I have gotten from my tribulations is, still nobody owes me anything, and my favorite developed attribute is my independence since my efforts to be- are not taken into consideration in the process of being abandoned! In the midst of being willing to be what it takes to assure their comfort. I shouldn’t be dependent on the idea that I must be a staple of someone else’s happyness rather than simply just contribute to it, and vice versa. Being ghosted helped me develop self assurance as well, I have no eagerness to cross my ability to be understanding with self respect or toleration. I learned that people are not to be possessed just experienced and that makes me enjoy and value the people who do stay in my life long term(or longer than usual) 1000% more than if I felt entitled to a persons existence. I also feel like if I wouldn’t never been through the ghosting experience I wouldn’t have acquired the knowledge I have now so you know how it goes..

WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY ALWAYS ALL WAYS!
Talk To Y’all Later
XOXO

• AUNTY

Depression: Nobody Cares About Me

This is written in present tense, because I didn’t take the time to edit it. I wrote this January 31 and just held onto it, published “I might be!…the problem” instead for the month of February.

I know I’m loved and I know if I felt like voicing that I feel like nobody cared about me; my loved ones would be concerned, apologetic, or like “bye” so I keep it to myself — even though it’s how I feel because psychologically I just know it’s not ME feeling such a way. But I do.

I be depressed, sometimes.
the point here is an example of mind vs emotion & how it effects me, sometimes. I don’t know what people think when they think about depression but…

The month of January has been good to me but also empty. I started the month sad. I even snapped on a few people who wouldn’t just let me accompany my misery in solitude(selective isolation).
I like to isolate myself at times like this because it’s just easier than explaining some shit that doesn’t make sense[like this blog post]. So I don’t come across as selfish to those who enjoy my presence while also not wanting to “worry” because times like these go just as much as they come.

Anyways, stuff started lightening up for me and I’ve been eating! Which is big for someone who eats a meal like every 36 hours if not 1x a day. So to see myself “fill out” helped encourage me to continue to eat which made me happy, I thought.

And I must mention I’m writing this very disappointed in the unpredictable sadness getting ready to sink in.
I’m starting to slow down, I’m getting angry, and I’m eating less…

NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME:

To be easily irritated, loved, and also aware you can’t control how you feel about certain things. For example, I genuinely feel like nobody cares about me (at this time) regardless of any effort to counter my feelings & it’s very unfortunate. [The battle of self awareness to where I know not to take it personally annoys me.]

It’s makes me upset that I feel like “nobody cares about me” while also knowing any interaction with others has the potential to drive me mad. Why am I like this? I have no answer, it’s no answer. Or to even depend on isolation because I don’t care to say “hey! I need some extra love, kindness, or what-fucking-ever” because WHY?????? WHY DO I???

To know people want to love me yet the idea overwhelms me which makes me avoid the interaction truly bothers me because it can solve how I’m feeling.

To know the nothing that is wrong with me is something propels me downward even more, I just woke up and gradually started feeling like this.

In my mind “nobody cares about me” which feeds into an underlying sadness that’s always on standby. That results in me thinking more than I feel > forgetting to eat > not having the stamina for basic self care > having so much on my mind to the point I can’t focus, listen, or even enjoy.

Then it leaves and I’m okay again 🙂

I hate the passive aggression.
I hate feeling pressured to commit to daily life task while feeling down and out because my sadness doesn’t outshine the show that’s must go on.
I hate training or having to remind myself to calm down because I don’t feel … yet want to and since I can’t, I decide to feel fury?
I hate trying my best to not feel defeated by myself. It’s just so much anger and irritation beyond my control.

As you can see here I was so so so angry, which is 1) normal for me when the switch flips but was driven by feeling uncared about. Which was unsolicited and probably my fault because some source of sadness that translates as irritation… & doesn’t allow me to be receptive of interaction unless I FEEL LIKE IT. Which is incredibly one sided. Crazy.

That’s it, it was no way to conclude the post because just as sporadic as this ended, everything that contributed to this post stops. It’s nothing to break down because it’s just not.

Disclaimer: I ask not to be checked on if you ever make it here[for future reference]. It’s not that serious because deep down I know my feelings are adjacent to “I’m tripping” but I just thought I’d share what depression can be for me at particular times + it’s effectiveness.

LOVE YALL THO! THANK YOU ❤

xoxo wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity always, all ways

I suppose knowing my feelings will go away eventually helps.

I MIGHT BE!…the problem

Self sabotage, sex!, and selfishness

These n****s sure do know how to fake it til they make something turn into nothing. I be feeling like dmx “what these b*****s want from a n****” foreal.

I find it to be interesting but unfortunate that I think I might just be the demise of my love life. I was trying to assess why I don’t “trust” men and it was becoming apparent that I block my own POTENTIAL blessings, thinking for them, and that’s rooted from my self esteem… I guess.

See I don’t see anything wrong with me as an individual but as a unit? I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to deal with me honestly. I feel like that because I underestimate my attributes (outside of sex) or since the few heartfelt instances I’ve had with “love” I never held the opposite sex accountable to declare anything to me, and that’s because I’m. I mean I was** a very low maintenance b**** (which wasn’t a “bad” thing to me since I have this idea that love shouldn’t be hard anyways). And when you see and hear how you should be, what people prefer, or just being observant of what others are use to I X myself out the way for them because I myself feel like am not liner to the standard of.

In addition to that it’s depth to my understanding and selfless selfishness..
I’m iffy on the idea of compromise as I stand by often; I feel like if I want to embark on someone I should be willing to accept + adjust to their everything, most importantly their love, and vice versa. I’m usually not willing to do that, especially just based on someones “interest” regarding me. Because of that I dead s*** just to avoid from wasting someone else’s time since I’m stubborn, I don’t even want to try. As I’ve gotten older I feel like I been slightly outgrowing this drastic idea of co-existing with someone romantically. The analytical side of me will take some time to surrender the idea if I choose to ultimately because I’m big on fairness and that’s the only fair and square way to join forces. Which as I think some more is stemming from control, because again I don’t trust men but before we get sidetracked…

I feel like people should appreciate that I don’t make them deal with me under these skeptic conditions and they don’t! In fact it’s like they try to force me into trying and it does nothing more than make me fight back by being careless and uncommunicative.

I say all this to say outside of what could be considered excuses, I might just be the problem.

Usually how it goes is some young man tries to be friendly and 97 percent of the time, I shut it down. The flirting is never flattering or appreciated from the start and I’m already thinking it’s an ulterior motive (you can tell how they talk). My dealings with men are also nothing more but sex driven to the point I don’t really know how to be receptive of kindness if you’re a complete** stranger once it gets to a certain point because I already know what’s good. (None of this applies to the young men who establish friendship, in which you can sense differently than the cosplay.) That s*** offends me because I take my platonic relationships so personally and that’s trying to be infiltrated.

A lot of men like to be predators and build in order to fuck and it blows me! So look how my mind works with that, I’m already anticipating the bull**** so why not get to the point and save us both the agony? Men like to be right just as much as they like to break something that was already fixed and when doing that bull**** it offends me even more since they’re ultimately trying to insult my intelligence. It’s just something about men I can’t trust and the irony of it all is I feel like I don’t have “trust issues” yet my intuition has never let me down..

So you know..

And even if I was the problem due to warped self esteem I don’t even know where to start to fix it. I would say progressions is allowing everybody a chance but why would I waste my time like that? Right, I guess this is something that’s going to take time or just something to think about whether I want to “fix” it or not. I found it to be an interesting take.

I wonder what’s good with the people who know it’s a high chance they’ll be single for life. I feel like we are out here humbly enduring us being so misunderstood.

Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All Ways
– Aunty XOXO

Just Finished My 22nd Lap Around The Sun

Intro: I’m making it an annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

👉🏾👈🏾

On my journey to 23 I found myself Surrendering. I’m giving up in the best way, I’m always hard on myself but for what?! As I went through 2020 I have realized it’s not a correct way to do any of this shit! You know how much of 2020 was made up? Stuff we never seen or was told was irrational, “CrAzy”, was done to compensate for the limit being pushed. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?!

And even with compromise, or what’s the word? Like when you have no script… Impromptu! ass plans to keep everything copacetic in theory everything still failed, but we got through it.

I say this to say progress is made up, success is made up, I had to talk myself through the fact wanting more is perpendicular to greed for essentially no reason[maybe because we see extreme greed sprout from humble beginnings]. Especially since my want for comfort doesn’t call for others to have less. In addition to what I’ve been gauging “success” by, others… so I had to realize the beating path of “others” also has nothing to do with ME. On top of the fact most of the time I’ve advanced, so I shouldn’t knock that because it’s not what I’ve been taught advancement was, ideally, in the worse way.

All these years I’ve been very satisfied with what is me and I just got the urge to do “better“. What is better though? (present tense update: Better in this case was to focus on myself, I sucked. It was so much I was tired of accepting or splitting my focus with. I couldn’t be my best “writer” so that’s where the feeling of being stuck came from. I was ready for that advancement creativity that had surpassed my individuality already) I don’t know exactly but I do know it isn’t what I am now. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, I’m not saying this to imply I’m beating myself up cause I am not. I’ve “enjoyed” every aspect that has got me here. But I assume as I’ve gotten older I just want to experience peace instead of pressure. The pressure don’t even be courtesy of me being proud of myself but more so to prove my abilities to— those who usually don’t even give a **** about me. Truly.

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  26.12.2020

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I’m always anticipating something, I passively wasn’t giving a **** and it was taking just as much of a toll on me as if I were to stress over life due to unhappyness. A lot of habits I’ve developed stopped bringing me security, because it was never joy. And now I feel unguarded. I want to experience long term tranquility.

Suggestive Advice: Recognize progress is progress! I keep telling myself “I’m spoiled by desire and expectation.” Meaning my ability to want outweighs my appreciation and effort sometimes, not to say that I’m ungrateful. While my expectations give me a false sense of what is, to be. In my case I was eager to progress in a grand way that could be showcased to where I didn’t pay attention to the fact my “progress” might just be this journey of becoming more self aware/experiencing long term tranquility. As I’ve taken the time to work on, dedicate sincerity to, myself I’ve realized it’s “easier” for me to create, when I’m not confused. So the point is consider everything progress whether you like it or not. Don’t dismiss your progress because it isn’t “ideal” to what you believe progress is for real, you’re just discrediting yourself.

☆彡praise n blessings☆彡

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways. -Aunty

you can read about my last lap here and check out my favorite 2020 post.

The Gift Of The Gab

I will admit for the last several years I’ve been manipulative. I have always been aware my words are powerful and I’ve been using my abilities to be a passive evil, to myself. As I write this I will say because of this I’ve probably been my own “successful” obstacle for dedicating authentic time to do what I’ll be explaining. Instead of working towards pushing my heartfelt words for what they are.

Thankfully we live and we learn! And we learn as we live

So lets get to it!

I use the power of the tongue to…. wait. Manipulate is a Verb that means 1) “handle or control (a tool or mechanism) typically in a skillful manner. 2) “control or influence (a person) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.”

I think people sometimes mistake manipulation for gratitude

I guess you could say I use both definitions for two different instances; milking the white “corporate” man of course [I encourage everybody to do that]

And…

LOVE

That’s right. I will admit I use to manipulate conversations in order to get who I wanted and granted “don’t we” or really we all do, but I’m willing to admit I wasn’t doing it out of pure love. I don’t think anybody does it out of purity though, more often than not we are infatuated with the idea of [whatever] in regards to the other person to satisfy us and everything negates from there. A problem I had with myself is I am fully aware of this but I conditioned myself to be spoiled after I realized with effort I could sway the result of if someone navigated towards me. So will I say I was intentional with it? Not…at first, but shit it’s effective so of course why not do the honors of doing it again.

Do I regret it? Not at all. I have learned a lot of my fake romantic travesties have been brought on by myself.
With this crude idea of basic targeted communication I believe it spills over into the idea of being selfless. Selflessness is a sacrifice of self which isn’t entirely clever but love has the potential to taint, so whatever.
We dedicate ourselves to another willingly but not out of kindness when we are selfless! We do with entitlement, because in the back of our mind we’re owed something for being something as simple as “understanding” in order to be understood in the long run! It’s always an ulterior motive.

You can’t script a scripper baby!!

Now as far as friendships go, I do nothing of the sort, which is probably why they have by far lasted longer than my romantic instances.

But like I was saying that is manipulative, of me, and because I would feel so entitled to someone being in my life because I PUT IN ALL THIS UNSOLICITED EFFORT. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I eventually became too tired to keep up with my charades and could not understand why the other party in which I essentially set up wasn’t receptive to leaving me alone. In which I understand because I set them to be there, I created the convenience of me being there, how dare I take that away because I outgrew the maintenance or grew up in general.

On top of having the nerve to feel like they were usually ungrateful of my efforts on some “no matter what I do to assure their comfort, they always leave” type shit. Like honestly it’s well deserved for all the effort I went through to assure a position I made for myself unprovoked in addition to all things!

And you know this probably all starts from me loving to flatter people. I love to flirt, I like to chase, or use to at least because now I simply don’t care. But it has to be some kind of sweet talker complex that I have never cared to research. “The power of the tongue” they say.

How will I drop the habit?
I’m leaving people alone. I want to just mind my business for a year before I try to romantically co exist with someone else. Granted I was the one doing the most, I have also been treated in a distasteful manner and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to take the time to self reflect and trust intuition. In my case all my “effort”, manipulation, just was frivolous grand gesture. I’m sure this will be difficult for me since like I mention I am a chaser but it’s going to be good for me. I’ll be able to experience purity or shit even serenity, and I’m not going to have to work so hard because of intrigue. All the time I’ve dedicated to assuring people in my life I will give to my words and advancing my craft. I’m excited for that.

Well that’s all my good people! Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity, always. All ways.
XOXO – Aunty