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I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who couldn’t care less, I respect you.

Taryn

20

I don’t completely know why I love, let alone how I do. As I write I realize I love because I know how it feels to not have, experience, or feel love and knowing my love can be for someone to have, experience, or feel warms my heart it really does. I also know my love isn’t distributed evenly I LOVE the misunderstood, the bad, the unorthodox which is what the world seems not to appreciate. Love is love to me it should be unconditional and I mean that with no guilt. I can learn from what a person deems as ” bad”.. I want to know why it’s so bad it doesn’t “deserve” love of any sort and that teaches me how to give it in many different circumstances because I can understand. As I write some more I realize knowing what I love, my emotions, the appreciation for my love can all get taken away brings me comfort since I’m use to disappearance. “Love” I always liked the idea of “Love” in all aspects of life but never took the time to live it..watching “love” during my years of growth I noticed people aren’t sincere with it and that brings the shock value down, if you aren’t sincere with it leave it alone. Being aware I’m putting something so pure into the universe unconditionally for others at the sake of myself ,sometimes, leaves me satisfied. Which sums it all up as “I love because it can bring me pain I use as growth to become better; newer while knowing someone took what I willingly gave does something for me”. I love because truthfully love can be so Painful but having the power to know I also won’t become a victim of it if I do not see the purpose in doing so keeps me aware I’m in control of me.

It’s easy. To easy. It’s convenient, It captures authentic anger, It’s an easy way for me to express I feel disrespected. It can sometimes be a natural reaction, It’s easy… It’s … convenient.

I do not know

20:01 Culver City, California

I stress I was on the fence about being a fan of “XXXTENTACION” being a person that separates artist from art… their art is how they release themselves, I can’t really take that from someone, I couldn’t find myself to stop listening to his music. After I found out he was an Aquarius, born a day after me, I took the time to really go back and learn about the young man the best I could. Which gave me a lot of clarity on his actions, he was vocal about how his mind worked, and he had pride..therefore I found myself “understanding him instead of making judgement” and I don’t regret that.

When I first watched the video I watched it just to see this young man, then I watched it again to really watch it, then I watched it again because I couldn’t answer these question honestly in my own head..which is where I should be the most comfortable, then I watched it again to finish assuring I comprehended it , then I watched it again to make sure I saw what I seen and comprehended what I understood, and I did all this crying because I felt bad for myself and him. Jahseh, X, was able to capture the dark truth which is something I more than appreciate and it encouraged/encourages me to be honest. We all go through trials and people try to sugar coat their vices to avoid embarrassment and critique and sometimes that’s what we need. It took his mistakes to be publicized and him to be crucified for him to really understand that he might not have understood. Mass majority of the world didn’t acknowledge that, mass majority of the world does not look at anything as a butterfly effect as in; because of this it’s that; because of that there is this .. and that is like that because possibly! It’s more than one way to live, learn, and grow. His growth was cut short and it bothers me, honestly, I know I went thru different levels of growth, anger, isolation to be who I am right now & I’m not done. So to see his effort went unappreciated to some, many, which I can’t imagine how discouraging that could be because 1 single person can mess us up mentally and slow you down. Picture thousands if not millions of people reminding you that you can’t become better to assure the same mistakes stop reoccurring while trying to become the person they want you to be. All of this ties into me because I can relate to the theory of growing and becoming in touch with new perspectives and I had to learn that not everyone grows at the same time and if you arent willing to help someone who is willing to help themselves then you contribute to the problem.. XXXTENTACTION death showed me everyone has deep-rooted hate in them, well solidified the idea, and I’m here walking among these same people trying to assure myself it’s nothing wrong with me for being able to speak on MYSELF truthfully regarding the good, bad, and ugly while people are in denial about their own truths.

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who can couldn’t care less, I respect you I’m just displaying how I learn as I live. 

I’d love to know why you love and  why you hate. You can message me personally or comment

XOXO

LONG LIVE XXXTENTACION MAY HE REST IN PEACE