HELL N HIGH WATER (24)

I had to overshare like this as my last step to let go.

I’ve held me down in many ways, being I’ve kept all my secrets and I simply do not care to care anymore.
“You’re such an old soul.”, “You’ve been here before.”, “How are you so wise?” Is what the people say and I’m none of that. I just had to mature faster than I was suppose to, I’ve been through a lot, seen even more, and my wisdom comes from reminiscing pain by hoping to not make the same mistakes I witnessed first hand…. yet I find myself having to start over again and again. ‘Free’ – Deneiece Williams

“Have you ever lost your everything friend?”
“Do you miss your GRANDmother?”
“Have you ever been chilling and just get annoyed with everything that exist and you can feel your temperament rising?”
“Who raised you? Yourself?”

I’ve been living uncomfortably all my life until the last like 2 months. I don’t mean this in any way more than the lack of self efficiency when understanding the development of my frustrations. As it’s so hard to be mad at things you LOVE or are taught to LOVE more than yourself. The frustration of essentially having nobody for such a long time to get people who eventually still disappear. The frustration of knowing what you should be doing, doing, then crashing right back down because your momentum is destroyed due to depression. BUT you keep trying to end up just more tired and more “irritated” because you don’t want to try but you know you’re worth a lot more, to others, than just giving up even though nobody is helping you up either. ‘Mad’ – Solange ft. Lil Wayne

I’m 24 today and to say I’m surprised isn’t the correct word. I’m impressed quite plainly. I have noticed I have no eagerness to live probably from being burnt out from having to survive. I’m 24 but catching up with the childhood I didn’t have a chance to experience while also growing up and experiencing life from an adult perspective. It’s not that it’s difficult but it’s severely tiresome, it’s confusing. I’m playing catch up and undoing all bad things that were done to me that I took personally while reminding myself I’m deserving of good things in general. I’m also tired. I’m ready, to stop self sabotaging. 

I’ve experienced some things that I never realized truly bothered me as I’ve just brushed them off, so I thought, and that resulted in me being “mean”? “aggressive”? “quiet”, “unforgiving”, due to circumstances beyond my control sometimes; I lost my grandmother at 4! I remember that series of events vividly. My first bestie, my first memories, my first defense in favor of me just being!! GONE. Forever thankful for my infinite Angel, oh how I miss her. I’ve been sexually assaulted twice, my father has been in prison since I was a newborn[I just now stopped resenting him for that, yet it’s a lack of respect that will probably remain but I digress.] I don’t have too many childhood memories, worth repeating. (A trauma response or maybe lack of childhood completely.) I don’t have many childhood photos either actually.[which is why I love my photo albums so much.] I’d have a 5 year old right now if I didn’t miscarry and nobody knows that unless you’re someone that’s reading this right now. I grew up with a very hard working single mother, so from like 3rd grade til 12th off but mainly on. I was walking myself to school and home..just home alone for the most part for a very long time[which is probably why I hate co dependency or don’t understand it as I never got the chance to experience it.] OR I found myself wanting to be in the house with my family, but not wanting to explain that a part of me is enjoying the fact I’m not home alone! So it might’ve looked like I had an unhealthy attachment to being a homebody, let alone my mother [but realistically although I was around my mother I didn’t get the opportunity to truly spend time with the woman growing up! and I actually like her as a human being so to be able to catch up on time became important to me.] So now with that background knowledge imagine how annoying it is to hear “you’re boring.” Yet it’s nothing I was willing to do about that because people didn’t know the underlying details of my life to understand why I am how I am, as I also didn’t see the benefit of sharing like I am now. [lol inner child healing they call it.] I have LITTLE[less than 10] to no extend relatives like cousins as they simply aren’t good people among other things.[and I will never subject myself to endure in the name of a bloodline that has done nothing but contribute to said trials]. So the family dynamic I unintentionally built up through this website & internet is sincerely the most I have, and I am extraordinarily thankful for it.

(all this makes me cry when I speak about it or as I type it up I start to tear up.) 
I started working on this blog mid November or so. Around that time I realized what my problem was and it has taken me til the week of January 5th to not cry when I reread or work on it and that’s also why it’s written in present and past tense.

I’ve learned to understand every walk of life in order to respect what I’ve learned from it but I’ve never taken the time to be upset or feel in general because my time is taken up being a team player. I just carry my hurt. 

I carry my hurt and then wonder why I’m so angry and feel entitled to experiencing better. When really I’m angry because I know I deserve better than victimizing myself  wasting time trying to figure out what doesn’t make sense. Like being broken up with completely sporadically to leave me wondering for a year+ “What did I do?” to be told “You didn’t do nothing.” but still it’s been too long and the betrayal was too strong so now… you have a hard time getting use to people romantically as you think “something’s got to be wrong with me?” then you develop a habit of being pretty careless since you’re waiting for people to leave, like they always do. <That break up made me cry every day/night for a year, I was my most angry and easily irritated + It has to be a science to it because I was always 1 to have a nightmare occasionally. Then after that I started having intense nightmares every night to the point I’d wake up shaking. Which is another set back that’s adds onto the frustration because sleep is suppose to be a form of peace and I feel like, better yet I know, my abandonment issues follow me into my sleep? Pathetic, embarrassing to explain as well.>  Or the fact people usually only want me on their own terms/time and once I’m no longer beneficial or so selfless suddenly my character is soooooooo jaded. Yet with that common knowledge I’m still a serial team player[probably because I know how it feels to be inconvenienced by this life shit from a lack of having help/companionship and I don’t ever want to be an inconvenience as such]. So I disregard the fact people are more often then not manipulative. Therefore I am often manipulated in the sake of being over-standing so again, I get upset. Unfortunately my upset boils over into misdirected aggression resulting in me shutting everybody out. ‘Bag Lady’ – Erykah Badu

My days and coping mechanisms have gotten better specifically when I started putting me first.
I did something for someone a few days ago and it didn’t make me feel good, the way it made them feel good and I thought…”Yea, I need to consider the fact I just disregarded me to satisfy someone else.” Like why do I not feel the same importance to honor me as I sacrifice parts of myself to aid people who I feel are of that importance?

I use to be like “I’m so glad I’m not a victim of this cruel world.” Whole time… I too am a victim as such. It’s just the fact I was a victim of my circumstances due to the same world I thought I was outsmarting but really just adapting to emotional unavailability. Which cut my emotional intelligence short and that deprived me from being emotional in general [I didn’t cry for a very* long time]. But we’ve learned! as we’ve lived and we have taken accountability to not only try to undo BUT change because I myself recognize I deserve to do better presented by me, myself, and I. It’s all about knowing you deserve better and being aware you know better than what you decide to do, based on comfort, and you navigate from there. Bettering yourself is easier to think about rather than to do when you’ve become use to the repetitiveness. For me at least it was always easier to stay linear to comfort as I knew the outcome of dealing the same s***. I knew it was an issue but the fact working with the “issue(s)” instead of working on myself was just… easier. You gotta want [it] more than you want s*** to just work! ‘Self Love’ – Mavi

FRIENDS

Finding friends has always been “hard” for me. In grade school I didn’t have many friends, I was just there which was fine as I didn’t really talk much in my younger days. Middle school I thought I had some friends but to be fully aware people might not actually like you but it’s nothing you can do about it because they’re all you got is… what it is. Now at my bigger age I have finally found my people. Oh how I adore them, to be embraced by, valued by, loved on, I love my friends. I think everyday I give thanks for “my people”, I finally found my people. I’ll probably never be able to explain why I value my friends the way I truly do(but I’m about to try). It’s nothing more than they allow me to see and enjoy the capability of true love from a world that has given me such a hard f****** time. My friends, it’s an interesting dynamic as they believe I’m so kind and so on. As I like to say in return “I’m a reflection of you.” but it’s the truth. [So sometimes I wonder if they’re aware they’re some of the sweetest beings as what they extend to me I send right back.] It took this year for me to really realize I needed people, foreal. Nothing makes me happyer than the fact I have people now. People I mean something to, not even from a validating standpoint they just look forward to me!!!! Even as I’ve went through my personal battles among myself they are still happy I’m here with no expectations of me other than to show up. I’m loved, and I’ve never felt that before [which is why my lust life created a very desperado version of me]. I’m aware I have been appreciated by many but I am also aware I was not loved as a whole being. If anything I was encouraged to change and now I’m around some people who love me because I am me, and I Try. Wholeheartedly. They teach me, they nurture me in ways they’re unaware of. Nothing will ever bring me as much joy or satisfaction as my loved ones, my friends. Which is why I get so damn upset when men try to infiltrate the importance of what friendship is to me to satisfy their sexual desires, it offends me deeply. My friendships are personal to me, to trust me enough to share your world with me?! I can get to know you? It makes you wanna stay on earth and look forward to being here as you look forward to the people around you. It’ll forever be my honor to do right by who have provided me with what I thought I didn’t need because I never experienced it without sufferance as a co-sign to prove my worthiness to know what it felt like to have love, kindness, patience, and appreciation extended to me with no stipulations. ‘Family’ – Blood Orange ft. Janet Mock

And of course I still find myself struggling in someways some days but I keep trying with the best of my efforts, truth behind my intent, and being prepared to take accountability of the part I’ve played in whatever to help me as my emotions emote. Like I said after a while you get tired and you really realize your eagerness to DO BETTER than what’s been done outweighs your weary. This is coming from someone who had the tendency to sabotage the good just to be comforted by the sad because that’s all I knew how to be and now I’m deciding it’ll probably be easier to be… me, in the best ways I can be. ‘RUNITUP’ – Tyler, The Creator

| THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU IN EVERY PLACE, SPACE, OR TIME— WISHING EVERYBODY BETTER, PEACE, JOY, PROSPERITY, and SINCERE LOVE. ALWAYS N ALL WAYS | 

XOXO 

I had to start over 1000 times and this is probably my 11th life but I am here, willing to start again if need be. 

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InternetAunty

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

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