Serenity, Surrendering, Self Esteem

Life sucks sometimes and that’s it!

Yes we could do better but could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. At some point it’s just talk and it’s easier to talk rather than listen.

I had to let my ass hit the ground with open arms recently and it was important to feel how it felt to not be my own saving grace.

What does it mean to surrender? I suppose it’s different for everybody depending on what you happen to be defeated by but if I speak for myself I’d say:

“I be so scared of change because I mistake growth for lack of control.”

Consider me an unorthodox neat freak when it comes to my life. And I’ve seem to grow tired rather than thankful as of late.

To surrender is to allow what is meant. See when we think of surrendering we think of being defeated which has a negative connotation. It’s truly not that bad, once you get out of your head.

With defeat comes new learning techniques to assure you aren’t to be defeated again, repetitively.

So with that being said… if we don’t “surrender” or experience defeat we will never see past what we already know and you’re eventually going to be playing ring around the rosie with inadequacy.

I wanted more for myself, in which I know I deserve, but I didn’t want to be wrong about what I thought I knew best (which is funny because clearly it wasn’t working for me anymore.)

To surrender to me is to accept it is more to— to be embarrassed, to wake up miserable, and to understand what you feel today can be in contrast to how you feel tomorrow… long as you allow your emotions to emote.

Serenity! Within constant battle against intuition you’ll never know what peace feels like. You’ll only ever experience breaks. [courtesy of unwarranted break downs]

Self esteem.. GET OVER YOURSELF! Nobody is perfect and it’s no blueprint on how to be the “perfect” person [wholeheartedly], only how to better yourself, personally. Even people who portray themselves as the ultimate person makes mistakes behind closed doors…and if they don’t imagine the pressure placed upon them to just know without trial and error.
We’ve all fallen before and we all tend to get up after doing so regardless.

Wasn’t that an awfully long way to say “to surrender means to live life” huh.

All in all just thought I’d share because why not? Until next time wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity, always. All ways. Xoxo -Aunty

May the bridges i burn forever light the way.

I got a fucked up fetish of enjoying fucking with people.

My whole perception of love is romanticized karmic soul ties, it had nothing to do with self and I want better for myself. I’m bored, I’m tired, I’m selfish, and I don’t give a fuck.

I mentioned before it’s something gratifying about knowing someone don’t like you, or won’t admit it but won’t leave you alone. Very egotistical, I know, but to say it hasn’t effected me … it hasn’t. I can go back to my ways but I want to experience something new [which is probably just myself] the gratification has dissipated because I’m all money in…fatuated with myself. I’m fully aware the young men I have dealings with don’t give a fuck about me because that’s how I present myself. They probably think I don’t give a fuck about much of anything outside of music and shit I don’t know. Which wouldn’t be to far from the truth but that doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention and I’m not accountable, and that’s where things become a conflict of interest.

I’m hard to understand solely because people don’t want to be understanding is all.

The power I have, I don’t even know why I hold some kind of artificial importance in people lives [or maybe that’s how I perceive it]. It’s probably nothing of the sort except availability to be convenient. How “embarrassing”.

Let me tell you the first dealing with a young man I had I was fucking ghosted for reasons unknown. We’ve found our way back to each other per usual because I’m always available and over standing. But the way that influenced me; I’ve adjusted to lack of communication to where I’m just passive …and rarely aggressive and that is developed by considering bad habits from those I dedicate myself too. I’ve learned how to read between the lines of a book with no fucking words and that’s so pathetic. But that’s what I’ve grown to like.

Second instance was years later and an actual relationship. Wow, to be in love with the idea of what being in love feels like. I don’t regret it but as time has passed, and being essentially ghosted again by a completely different person, a more important person. I have figured out I was just a saving grace to aid in separation of a lack luster relationship, I was oblivious to, because I don’t ask questions, I don’t make comments, and my trust for people leads me to have no concerns. It’s a butterfly effect. So that stroked my ego even more so.. I helped teach someone how to love so they could love someone else correctly…outside of just extending myself once again to over stand why people are how they are. Kudos to fucking me.

I’m always making excuses for— including myself, I’m always trying to understand, I like dancing with the devil cause it keeps me on my toes, I like how it feels being warm from playing with fire, I liked being on someone’s mind but their last concern. As you get older you realize you’re just growing into looking for what you can’t put your finger on for self satisfaction. I must obviously feel not important at all to look at being convenient as a necessity instead of a amenity! It’s crazy. I’m learning though and it’s causing me to hide because I don’t give a fuck about nobody or anything except myself. Ironically I feel good. I feel self dependent. I feel like to be in my 20s and being selfishly selfless was just me being mildly manipulative. I feel like I am completely fucked and probably made to just learn as I live.

If I don’t know nothing else, I know I’m honest, aware, and nothing gets better unless you make it better. So I’ve been putting in effort to fixing myself. I’m over here irritated because I feel miserable and unsatisfied by my own self inflected agony. I’m fixing it though. I hope.

Wrote that under the full moon on the 31st and it’s my favorite thing to read at this time

May the bridges I burn forever light the way in my self discovery. Just thought I’d share my feelings since I’m willing.

Wishing everybody peace x joy x and prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty xoxo

This Ain’t Tasting Right

Bro. I’m lost in my own sauce! Although in “I’m doing fine.” I was saying how I’m working at my own pace and expectations just allowing things to be. Well, that is true but I’M [as in myself] just feel disconnected from me. I like myself a lot too and I’m like my biggest fan so for me not to be on the same page as what I’m presenting… it’s starting to grind my gears.

Greatness takes time of course or what’s the saying “things get better with time” and who’s to say I’ll ever really reach this “great” place I refer to but it won’t hurt to try. And! I know my cap-a-fucking-bilities I just don’t know how to present that shit in a way that satisfies my doings. I might still be rushing my life, although time is a virtue it is not by our side so, you know. But in the same instance if I’m hungry Ima eat, it’s no real reason to have sleep for dinner in the meantime especially when I have all the ingredients to make the meal.

“How the fuck you gon solve the puzzle I’m the missing piece. – Yn Jay”

I’m over here in competition with myself hands in the air walking blindly on the side of self sabotage. Real spill it’s like how am I going to outdo my best self[which is what I’m presenting right now, I just don’t agree with]. Again as I write it’s honestly just the fact I’m not done with this phase I’m in and I’m psyching myself out thinking I am because I haven’t worked towards or been able to execute all of what I want. So it seems like I’m not making progress leaving me underwhelmed but that’s also not the case. It’s something lying under that, that has me feeling like I’m significantly out of tune with myself.

All in all I’m happy I’m not the kind of person that gives up on myself because like I said if! There is a level of greatness that’s obtainable to me, how would I know if I didn’t try.

Talk to y’all later. Wishing Everybody Much Peace x Joy x Prosperity xoxo – Aunty

To Be Or Not To Be, Single

Successful, Single, and Sad.

Those are the three S’s we will be going over today [I just wanted to approach this humorously dramatic]. Although in all seriousness those are the bases of this post today.

I’ve become one with the idea I’ll be single for life, I know I established this already, but it was still a smidgen of hope that wouldn’t be the case as someone who is willing. I am writing today to say I take back my smidgen! I’m truly no longer “hopeful”, never really was looking either for that matter anyways.

For starters, I think I should establish that I don’t believe in marriage and I don’t find having children to be a necessity. So my outlook on my life is not only a tad bit selfish but bias.

Now that that’s out of the way.. I’ve noticed that my ability to be busy seems to be almost like a turn off to most. I’m finding it to be the most peculiar thing as well. But hear me out… stability, having my own, just doing for myself will always be more important than a “relationship” to me. I’m more important than a relationship to me, technically. Obviously. I’ve figured if the person isn’t as busy as me it just won’t work essentially.

Then it’s the aspect of nobody ever really stays long enough anyways… so… would you say I jeopardize all potential relationships by friendzoning? Now if I did I’d clarify by saying… my friends be in my life forever, so if I like you in my life of course you’re going to be my friend because my friends don’t leave. Terrible yet logical habit. IF! I had to say this hypothetically in regards of myself. Truth be told I prioritize my friends more anyways so if we’re being totally honest here [laughs out loud] being my friend is the best bet.

Aside from all that you ask yourself “Maybe I just haven’t met someone I’d desire to make time for” but like bbymutha said “catching dick and missing money, missing money catching dick” [janis ian dyke] it’s all pretty frivolous and irrelevant to me since my success and independence determines my availability to feel comfortable enough to not focus on maintaining and elevating my comfort. And to be honest if you aren’t helping me do that you must obviously not care about me like you think I should feel anyways because helping me would help you. … wow that sounds selfish. It’s my truth though so I won’t take it personally.

All in all I’ve come to the conclusion! [where is my drumroll????]

I think I lowkey suck. It’s sad but I’m not remorseful about it either. I won’t dwell on it because I don’t see myself working on it since being bound 2 isn’t really a priority to me anyways!

Question: I wonder how many adults feel such a way and how has it effected their love life. I feel like I’ve talked about this before but I can’t remember and like I mention I never really go read my old blog post again.

I just said to myself “I can love later” but when is later? What if I never obtain the level of comfort I desire to enjoy and miss out on love? I like the idea of love but I don’t like the idea of being slowed down by codependency. I always felt drake in my soul when he said “relationships slowing me down they slow down the vision, guess I’m not in the position to deal with commitment.” [redemption]

Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways! Talk To Y’all Later. – Aunty

I’m Doing Fine.

I’ve officially outgrown my desire for likes and all that superficial shit because what I put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. And that itself I’m thankful for.

I find myself stumbling across opportunities to work with and become friends with people who once inspired me, and that’s because of me as a person and my persistence. I feel like that’s enough honestly because I’m proud they see what they’ve contributed to. Especially while I feel like you can say I’m a “nobody” if you solely base my online presence over my ability to preform, which I understand if you do.

All in all I’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors for sure, in the very least, which is fine by me.

It’s a bigger everything to every action and I’m no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” because I’ve successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + everything else to co-exist in the world without expectation, which has humbled my disappointment and feeling of being “disregard”.

I’m chilling. I’m growing up. I’m learning. I still feel like I’m great but just don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know Ima be alright. I’m no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking”— resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what I, can, do! I’m excited and underwhelmed. I’m proud of me.

Like I say “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything. And everything isn’t meant for everybody” that’s the truth. It’s okay. It was a tweet (if I can find it I’ll link it) but it said something along the lines of “you become disconnected when you look at your talents as a commodity that’s not paying off.” And now that I’ve gotten over that… I feel more certain about what I’m doing and can’t wait to do more instead of feeling like I’m failing, I’m doing fine.

I feel back to normal, when I started all this I did it to get my feelings off mainly. I wanted to be open about not know, being wrong, and whatever else that comes with life and somewhere along the journey of just talking on the internet I got greedy. The society I was battling I joined forces with unintentionally and let it slow me down. And I had the nerve to allow it to make me question what I know best about myself. Being that I can write!!

Talk to y’all later! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways – Aunty

xoxo

Am I Sensitive?

I take just about everything personal.

Am I aware some people just do and don’t think? Yes.

Do I keep in mind not everybody has lived the same life as me therefore they might not think the same as me? Absolutely.

So why do I take everything so personally? Because I don’t do without intention and since I am aware of, or at least try to be, I find it to be a direct act against me when some things unravel the way they do. I believe everybody knows their intention even when they have none to begin with. So I myself refuse to believe, especially if it’s not voiced sincerely*.

I myself am a vocal being who makes what I will not accept evident; so to be battling what people think they can try screams “disregarding” to me so I take that personally as well. As someone not too inviting outside of social media when people do gain access to me, once I am disturbed … I take that personally. Because “why?” I feel like people go out their way to try and break me down sometimes and how rude is that.

Am I being sensitive?! Where does being sensitive & offended correlate? Let’s start by saying sensitivity isn’t even a bad thing. To be sensitive is to be clear, aware, and direct. If you don’t like something or need a little more tlc then so be it. It’s the people who like to be selfish and wreck havoc on other peoples lives in which think someone else being sensitive is a burden on their ability to destruct.

I do question my sensitivity though since when I do get “upset” I don’t know how to let my anger past. I dwell in the very least but like I said in the “forgetfulness” article … I don’t forgive or forget!! So maybe I should work on that, I’m probably not though, to be honest. Just something I noticed about myself this week and wanted to voice. Talk to everybody later.

! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty

& [this includes the sweet things in life, oh how sacred and valuable they are to me.]

Why Can’t I Preform While Not Under Pressure

Like the title says…

Why can’t I function when I’m not under pressure? I’m being a bit dramatic, I can function but the fact it’s nothing and my craftsmanship is based on ultimately the evolution of something… always happening. When nothing is going on I feel stuck.

I feel bored. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’m missing something else. It’s nothing to make happen. I ought of enjoy when peace stands still but look at me, trying not to stress because I’m not use to what it feels to be tranquil.

Maybe I should dedicate times like this to learn how to relax since I still haven’t seemed to make that one of my strong suits but instead I will solidify my month being “book & busy” in which I’m looking forward to. As I write I realize I’m beginning something new the month of September as well and I should take this time to transition forward clear minded. It’s something about moving like a madman that makes things more enjoyable to me because all in all I still managed to get “it” done. I wonder why ppl are so attached to struggle, black people/minorities that is..

I figure because it makes you seem like your work is more validated since it wasn’t easy to come by or that your actually working towards bettering something in whole whilst we don’t even know how to truly appreciate what better is; at least… I don’t clearly.

I’m trying though— with real efforts. Maybe I should also take this time to learn how to capture happyness and serenity in my literature. I’ve grown bored of writing about being sad all the time, I’m not sad all the time no more. And as of late I’ve been quiet but that’s because I don’t know how to put my peace into a perspective in which can be felt because I’m to busy waiting for it to leave instead of even feeling it to begin with it seems as I continue with this blog post.

I did find some time to write a poem a few days ago which I like honestly, it’s different from that particular narrative I hope you enjoy it as well!

Wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity. Always, All Ways xoxo!!!

⁃ Aunty