Desperation or Despair

What you think love is really don’t be all that it’s cracked up to be.

I was so eager for assurance that essentially didn’t mean a thing because “actions speak louder than words” you know. In hindsight to that the foundation of my craft and character is to be truthful, transparent, and whatever else which is backed by “words” & not my actions solely. I value my words more than the average person because my words represent who I am as a being. So imagine the conflict of interest when someone doesn’t pay attention to me voicing my intentions.

Anyways, I just thought about how I’m aware that interactions I have with particular people aren’t true yet it’s a part of me that wants a person to just understand that I over-stand everything they don’t see in me, desire, or adore but only enjoy on their terms. while what I can’t grasp is the power I have to be so important that I mean nothing.

I don’t understand why people lie to me, it’s not that serious from a standpoint of “I like you as an individual so aside from the lying to make sure I don’t leave you.. I would have never left to begin with” but maybe that’s the reason they lie. They aren’t ready for that truth from self and who am I to accept whatever they avoid for them.. so that probably freaks them out. I wonder is that some form of a coping mechanism?

I use to find myself wanting to prove that I was worthy of the “love”(admirable lust) someone never dedicated to me until they paid attention to the climax of my tiresome dedication as I start to become careless due to stagnant repetition. Which is a real “got cha” moment.

When I’m attentive I’m discounted. When I’m attentive I’m my truest.

Maybe I should learn to accept when my love is not meant for who I’d love to give it to.

I pay attention; I’m vocal

For example: it’s young men that ignore me right and maybe I’ve grown accustom to these actions because my love for outweighs the lack of respect for me. So I’ve adapted to loving if dedicated to desire but that’s not right when it’s not reciprocated.

All in all as time has progressed I don’t know if my “power” is their addiction to being able to disregard me as such or what while still being reliable if need be. Now that I’ve understood that instances and things aren’t as what we make them to be— I’ve grown unconcerned. I’ve got my attention and now I feel like neglect might be a “blessing in disguise”. To be neglected by, for me, is a subtle way of letting me know my presence isn’t important to and instead of trying to showcase dedication I should dedicate my attention to me and finish living instead of dwelling on.

People say “the heart wants what the heart wants” and I believe to have been interpreting that wrong. Or maybe I haven’t. It’s usually brought up to justify actions of love, good or bad, but as I’ve had time to think I believe my heart just wanted acceptance for a lack of words and that didn’t have anything to do with love from anyone except self. Along with respect, admiration, and truth so when you put it in that perspective I wasn’t yearning for the love from someone else I was playing a game with myself because everything I sought after was just justification that I wasn’t going to get unless I gave it to me.

Reflecting on this is interesting because I’m such a “I don’t deal with” ass person but realistically I am, I’ve been “dealing” with trying to understand why I’m so willing to be loved one-sidedly and that still not be enough. I guess it’s not strenuous when you don’t recognize what’s being essentially dealt with is also caused by you. Or even when you realize that you just don’t care because it could be worse. Or maybe you see a bigger picture that all has to do with you as an individual and not your counter which in my case are love interest for the most part.

Point is, I’ve outgrown being so willing I’m okay with getting nothing when I know I’m beneficial— least that can be done is affirmation of acknowledgement or a thank you but that’s my fault because in the back of my mind it was okay if they didn’t say thank you since that’s how they are and I love them for them. And NO, this doesn’t mean stop doing things out the kindness of your heart, and start looking for things in return. It means make sure you find a balance between doing and your extracurricular advances are being done on your own terms and being appreciated in the very least.

We as people, me specifically, I like to get things I can’t have, in theory, which fuels my undying despair I considered “passion” as well so I feel like it is time to drop that habit in order to move forward. Because the years of trials with self trying to figure out “what I lack” doesn’t equate to the temporary satisfaction of a “victory” in which is just someone finally caving in because they didn’t have any interest with me in the first place. The delusion!

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always. XOXO

⁃ Aunty

Subject: @marlomp3

I’M THINKING.

I’m thinking about life and I’m conflicted. I’m stuck between I’m thankful and also feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’ve probably wrote on this before but idk.

It’s different.

You’re probably like “bro something is always different to you”, “you can always ‘feel’ something” but that’s real spill.

I’ll probably write about not doing enough separately but to touch bases i don’t know how to execute. Or maybe I do but the uncertainty is the anchor at this time, all the time. Which also allows me to mention I’m ready to “risk it all” in order to experience a life I’m sure I should be living but can’t while being confided to the everyday livelihood agenda.

FUCK CAPITALISM

What if I stopped making time and just became. I’d propel in the direction I feel like I need to go in order to experience a whole different world created by myself. for myself and the comfort for others around me.

The fight I have with my mind (thinking I’m so grand)[in which I always will! nothing in me makes me want to think any less than as I say per usual, I’m created to be experienced] vs the lack of acknowledgement* I receive(as in a simple thank you)[because I know experiencing my existence is a blessing from whomever to whoever].

Nonetheless though I’m thankful. Forever thankful at that. I’m just realizing things and thinking. I’m the internetaunty— and that’s pretty much it. Currently slow and steady is the technique I’m using in order to run the race of life. And I’m building up endurance. stamina. But right now it’s like I’m learning the benefits to staying hydrated(consistent/structured).

S/n: I’m back at a place where I find security in being transparent. For the last couple of years I stopped writing about my feeling in article form but the poems have been rapid but in the same sense the poems where like a safe haven for me and my feelings. A set of words can mean anything to anybody, people who read them didn’t necessarily know what allowed me to create them. That was like a way not to be “embarrassed” (which I’m exchanging for shy/not forthcoming) when it comes to speaking my truth in regards of my “feelings”/emotions. I’m back though. I went back and read a few articles and I’m happy i was able to go back and read a few things from me that really broke certain things down and I know people probably feel the same way since great minds think alike. The point is, the transparent life reads are back.

Make sure you check out “I’m bored.” and “I’m confused.”

My Little Friend

Let me tell you about my “little” friend who proclaims not to be!
My support system!
I’m thankful to have someone who doesn’t question me but lets me be
For any day I say I’ll be doing anything she stands by me

A mother, my queen
I love you!
Thankful I got the chance to hear your heartbeat from inside and I thank you for always allowing me to shine
There’s no other person I rather play follow the leader behind

My mother, oh how I love her, she’s my best friend
My blueprint
The highlight of my day is going home because that’s who I converse with
I’m very stingy with my mother. I pass it on as being over protective which probably stands true
but I’m starting to respect the fact although I get to experience her everyday others should too because she’d contribute to making the world a better place, a safer space. 

She’s just more than a “mother” to me, It’s essentially no words to explain how important she is to me than to use her as a reference when you think of me. Thank Her!

“She’s just like me bro” *laughter* “just older”
My number one soldier
“Why you call her moms?” because she’s such a comfortable spirit unintentionally I grew up watching her turn out to be “moms” to everybody..
As I’ve mentioned before I always ignore the statement “I’m not your little friend” because she’s the ultimate, my everything friend and as I write this I realize It’s nothing “little” about that at all.
Not a day goes by where I don’t give praise to the most high for being blessed to be a daughter to thee.

FUCK COVID BITCH

THIS SHIT SUCKS!

I like being in my home but not confined to it. I have never felt so estrange emotionally and mentally on and off in such a short period of time in a very controllable way.

I’m growing anxious and eager to be back putting out into the real world. As for me doing creative things it’s different seeing people adapt to being in the house and becoming innovative. So In a way I feel/felt kind of bad for myself for not having the drive to do so as well but the thing about what I do is whether it be as simple as a few words.. I put out based on experience(I’m not experiencing anything in the house) + feeling. Luckily this social isolation shit allowed me to capture how it’s making me feel in a way that’s true to what I do regularly resulting in this sporadic read.

To say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is very accurate. I feel so stuck and the difference between this and a creative block is the fact actions from everyday life isn’t helping guide me since… everyday life has essentially stopped. At least when I’m at a pause I can continue to work towards (everything I put out is an expression of how I interpret life so I’m always bound to figure something out in order to flow again). In this case I can’t do anything but sit on ideas, visions, and hope to eventually see things I imagined because I’m not settling with what I can do when I’m fully aware it’s more to be done in order to execute properly. The feeling of intentionally not doing what you would like to, to assure you’re becoming better because you’re well and able while knowing you can’t be your best is doing something to me.

To think and truly comprehend the idea that I’m “nervous” from sitting in the house sounds wicked but I suppose it’s part of some overzealous process of making a “debut”, again, because I have been revitalizing my ability to put out new pieces and expand.

I was so happy to be finally expanding myself in different sectors of being creative and then life just froze. I HATE IT. In addition to being ardent in regards of when you get back to what you do best, it’s a possibility you lost it since realistically stuff won’t be the same. Although change and growth is good when it’s unprovoked/forced I’m realizing it is so WEAK to the point it’s unappreciated.

All Photos Were Taken By Seamscomplicated

Short Sermon: 8 Mile

I feel very powerful after I’ve expressed myself because I’ve basically put myself in a position of risky vulnerability, but since I established my feelings [by living in them] they can’t be held against me. Speaking my truth, the acknowledgment of my emotions, or just taking the time to voice myself without second guessing how I’m feeling to begin with all plays a role people probably write off unintentionally. Living in fear of, is how someone else might feel about the idea of feelings [that belong to them] which is kind of understandable but absurd if you really analyze it and it does you no justice in moving forward or learning if you purposely make the point to disregard. No one can make me feel as if my feelings are invalid because they’re already felt and established. No one can make me feel bad about how I’m feeling because I’ve done that for myself essentially; clearly I felt such a way but sometimes you wonder are the feelings being felt worth it. We tend to base it on circumstances that made us feel the particular way to begin with when what matters is you. We live without realizing how much power is given to someone/something over us oppose to being brave enough to live in your feelings un-apologetically, by giving yourself the strength you needed to get through whatever because you’ve already got through the hard part and that’s analyzing > understanding > feeling > understanding how you feel or setting a standard to make sure you don’t want to feel in particular again since that’s passive endurement doesn’t make you weak.

I’ve learned to embrace my feelings in a less of words because I feel proud I was able to get through it and then move on or revisit without feeling bad for myself.

I’m Confused.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m at with it at this time in my life. I feel good but I need something.. I just don’t know how I want to present myself as I continue to live. A part of me is kind of worried if I might do something wrong, but the other part of me trusts myself enough to feel like if I don’t take initiative for myself I’ll accidentally block things out of my life that I’m ready to experience yet indecisive If I’m ready for, aside from me wanting it. The ability to have the ultimate choice and the ability to wonder is where my dilemma lies.

The least of my concern is being understood at this time also. I can’t explain how I feel without sounding insane in a sense and even though I’m okay with that, I don’t see the mass majority of people being receptive of the fact I am different and well aware in a realm that either doesn’t concern them or they just don’t understand and instead of respecting that they’ll just insist I’m inadequate.

I assume my real problem, personally, is now I’m willing to grow [some more] and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my life as of now when I should be just moving on; while understanding the idea of “moving on” isn’t a bad thing. Without a doubt I feel like great things are coming/on their way to me and I’m very focused on making sure I don’t screw up the receptiveness of what could be.

Aside from the inflicted confusion, nonetheless, I’m excited and a lot less worried since I’ve grasped the concept that life moves forward regardless and the ability to adapt is the same as being the fittest in order to survive. I’m currently playing around trying to figure out how I could be my best and elevate my execution. I’ve transitioned a bit and I’m back at a “I know I’m great, I just don’t know what I am doing” stage in life and It’s a little overwhelming because I have so many options being someone who is transitional in general therefore I’m indeed always growing whether it be up or down.

I’m going to figure it out, as someone that always does and document my thoughts more consistently while doing so because great minds think alike and with that being said I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels as such.

read my previous article “I’m Bored.” that revolves around being indecisive along with scared of advancement

Just Finished My 21st Lap Around the Sun

Intro: I’m making it a annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

As I’ve been on my journey to 22 I’ve realized I’ve spoiled myself with independence which is simply my ability to be unavailable on my own terms.

I’ve grown use to people not being in my life long term so I’ve just stopped assuring comfort to keep people by my side. Due to the rationality if I did, they’d still leave anyways and that’s “fine”.

It has gotten to the point where I’ve isolated myself into a phase where I’m more often than not unimpressed, unamused, and uninterested. Resulting in me being impressed, amused, and interested only in myself on a personal level. I’ve become an “I don’t feel like it” kind of person when it comes to my dealing with people (which is fine to a certain extent but I’m aware I abuse the ability to) and it has become an extremity. If I don’t feel like it I just won’t do which is selfish but here’s how I justify it; I don’t offer myself to others to “deal” with because I’m for certain I wouldn’t even “deal” with myself under these circumstances if given the option.

All of this contributes to me becoming one with my lonesomeness. I find a certain security in isolation. Another factor that I feel plays a role in this development is not dating or being in relationships and that’s when you start developing the importance of people along with building the idea of what attachment is and can be. Therefore I have no true understanding of what attachment is and I find it to be interchangeable with being … dependent (from what I’ve seen), which isn’t good.

Essentially the point is I’m very selfish because I never had to be considerate (I don’t get the chance to) and as a young observant adult I have no reason to “endure” the actions or feelings of others, like I see people do all the time, because I know how it feels to be by myself and I’m quite used to it.

2019 was the year I stopped disregarding my introverted sacred self and respected my ability to not be so socially active yet still big on presence. I also realized my expectations for people and things are not high so I’m rarely ever disappointed in anything or anybody that isn’t myself, causing me to walk through life very neutral because of acceptance, since I have the ability to control what I accept in the first place.

I explained all of that loosely so what I have to say next is a little more understandable in a realm [un]related to.

I’ve realized my ability to be a people person is slowly deteriorating. Sometimes hearing or having to listen to people irritates me.
Sometimes being around too many people drives me mad.
Sometimes I just don’t want to talk [in addition to me not wanting to listen and then process a thought to respond generally].
It’s so much I don’t care to do if it’s not on my terms and I’ve realized how bad that is that I’m comfortable, I’m in control.
Unsolicited or unwanted interaction in physical form has the tendency to just infuriate me and it’s really not that serious nor do I think it’s “healthy”.

But I’m also grown so on my journey to 23 and I figured I’d extend myself so I’m not so hard to co-exist with due to trapping myself in such an isolated place.

A part of me just is sure I’ll never be understood so I rarely put in to be more understanding, these days.

I’m in the middle of catching up with myself and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t learn as I lived to take accountability for my actions though. I’ve been processing a lot of feelings over the last two years which probably built this ultimately what I’ll consider a hiding place. A hiding place I’ve created and now I feel like I’ve took the time to understand myself enough to understand realistically… “I need to fix this” I’m ready to be experienced again.

I had to learn how to respect my feelings by allowing them to— I had to understand that when I allow my feelings I don’t take away from my character or that the feelings I had in the beginning are suddenly invalid. I had to understand that when circumstances change I’m allowed to change how I feel too! I unintentionally kept myself stagnant by thinking more than I felt and I was feeling a lot so it made me think I’d handle everything better by not dealing with at all.

Suggestive advice: A change isn’t always good or bad, it’s just a change in what you’re used to. The tricky part is understanding that and reacting to it in either a good or bad way which sets the tone on what comes about next and that’s usually the healing process because everything gets analyzed during that process whether it be of any importance.

I was busy trying to respect the feelings of the past (which didn’t apply anymore) to assure a present/future I was going to live regardless.

Suggestive Advice Cont. All in all my message is to allow yourself.
Allow yourself whatever you need in order to be better but first take accountability that you’re not okay and or where you’d like to be.
Approve the shift in character in order to allow yourself to fix yourself. Allow yourself the anger you might feel like you’re better than.
Allow yourself the sadness you might be tired of fighting.
Allow yourself the disappointment you weren’t looking forward to.
Allow yourself the stupidity you thought you were smarter than.

I didn’t allow myself, which allowed me to just become closed off.

Wishing everyone much peace, joy, and prosperity always, all ways.

Here’s a link to Last Year’s

I Don’t know how I feel about White People.

White People
I don’t know how I feel about white people.
“They coo” and I mean that in the most black way, well some of them.
I have white acquaintances for sure, I don’t go out of my way to wreak havoc on them, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m very neutral when it comes to “white people”.

I spent an hour trying to figure out what white person contributes to my peace in a sense and I’m starting to realize they don’t. Due to the fact we’re on two different spectrum’s of life because of race in general. I don’t expect them to do anything but have respect and respect the idea that they’ll more often than never sincerely understand.

I also wonder how white people feel being white.
I wonder if the white people with leveled comprehension skills are aware how much of burden white people can be to black people.
I wonder how the white people who keep it copacetic really feel about black people without disregard they’re probably still a little prejudice, I wonder do they accept that about themselves.
I wonder how it feels for white people to hear how unfavorable they are to mass majority of an entire race, even if they haven’t done anything wrong to them, because I know how it feels… I know how it feels to be effected by mere feelings but see, no matter how black people feel the chances are white people won’t even be effected by it.

I’ve always wondered are white people aware they have the tendency to embody the exact negative narrative they created about black people, I’m not scared of them but they scare me (that made sense if you’re black).
I don’t think white people live on high hopes in regards of their whole race… but then again maybe they do. It might be some white people who have sense and wish they’re race as a collective did better to—, but a part of me invalidates everything about a white person in a very respectful way.

I question everything about them and to say I’d be offended if they did the same to me is very true but they do.. so I understand.
I understand the difference between the two of us.
On my side of the fence we have our back against the wall because it’s safe there. While also having to acknowledge the fact that people who live in a different universe like to hop over the fence unwarranted to prove they deserve to be there. Mind you while of all this is happening in the back of our mind we’re reminded we’re not welcomed anywhere.

I wonder how this will read or how it will even be interpreted to a white person because I know they just won’t understand.
They don’t understand I’m very aware of my life because, because of them we don’t have the luxury to be kids, we have to take accountability that white people don’t have to take accountability for themselves. It’s so much I wonder and to think I’d be able to comprehend their justification unlike them who love to invalidate blackness and explanation. I just pay attention.
I just pay attention because it’s not safe to be black.