Why Can’t I Preform While Not Under Pressure

Like the title says…

Why can’t I function when I’m not under pressure? I’m being a bit dramatic, I can function but the fact it’s nothing and my craftsmanship is based on ultimately the evolution of something… always happening. When nothing is going on I feel stuck.

I feel bored. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’m missing something else. It’s nothing to make happen. I ought of enjoy when peace stands still but look at me, trying not to stress because I’m not use to what it feels to be tranquil.

Maybe I should dedicate times like this to learn how to relax since I still haven’t seemed to make that one of my strong suits but instead I will solidify my month being “book & busy” in which I’m looking forward to. As I write I realize I’m beginning something new the month of September as well and I should take this time to transition forward clear minded. It’s something about moving like a madman that makes things more enjoyable to me because all in all I still managed to get “it” done. I wonder why ppl are so attached to struggle, black people/minorities that is..

I figure because it makes you seem like your work is more validated since it wasn’t easy to come by or that your actually working towards bettering something in whole whilst we don’t even know how to truly appreciate what better is; at least… I don’t clearly.

I’m trying though— with real efforts. Maybe I should also take this time to learn how to capture happyness and serenity in my literature. I’ve grown bored of writing about being sad all the time, I’m not sad all the time no more. And as of late I’ve been quiet but that’s because I don’t know how to put my peace into a perspective in which can be felt because I’m to busy waiting for it to leave instead of even feeling it to begin with it seems as I continue with this blog post.

I did find some time to write a poem a few days ago which I like honestly, it’s different from that particular narrative I hope you enjoy it as well!

Wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity. Always, All Ways xoxo!!!

⁃ Aunty

I’M THINKING.

I’m thinking about life and I’m conflicted. I’m stuck between I’m thankful and also feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’ve probably wrote on this before but idk.

It’s different.

You’re probably like “bro something is always different to you”, “you can always ‘feel’ something” but that’s real spill.

I’ll probably write about not doing enough separately but to touch bases i don’t know how to execute. Or maybe I do but the uncertainty is the anchor at this time, all the time. Which also allows me to mention I’m ready to “risk it all” in order to experience a life I’m sure I should be living but can’t while being confided to the everyday livelihood agenda.

FUCK CAPITALISM

What if I stopped making time and just became. I’d propel in the direction I feel like I need to go in order to experience a whole different world created by myself. for myself and the comfort for others around me.

The fight I have with my mind (thinking I’m so grand)[in which I always will! nothing in me makes me want to think any less than as I say per usual, I’m created to be experienced] vs the lack of acknowledgement* I receive(as in a simple thank you)[because I know experiencing my existence is a blessing from whomever to whoever].

Nonetheless though I’m thankful. Forever thankful at that. I’m just realizing things and thinking. I’m the internetaunty— and that’s pretty much it. Currently slow and steady is the technique I’m using in order to run the race of life. And I’m building up endurance. stamina. But right now it’s like I’m learning the benefits to staying hydrated(consistent/structured).

S/n: I’m back at a place where I find security in being transparent. For the last couple of years I stopped writing about my feeling in article form but the poems have been rapid but in the same sense the poems where like a safe haven for me and my feelings. A set of words can mean anything to anybody, people who read them didn’t necessarily know what allowed me to create them. That was like a way not to be “embarrassed” (which I’m exchanging for shy/not forthcoming) when it comes to speaking my truth in regards of my “feelings”/emotions. I’m back though. I went back and read a few articles and I’m happy i was able to go back and read a few things from me that really broke certain things down and I know people probably feel the same way since great minds think alike. The point is, the transparent life reads are back.

Make sure you check out “I’m bored.” and “I’m confused.”

FUCK COVID BITCH

THIS SHIT SUCKS!

I like being in my home but not confined to it. I have never felt so estrange emotionally and mentally on and off in such a short period of time in a very controllable way.

I’m growing anxious and eager to be back putting out into the real world. As for me doing creative things it’s different seeing people adapt to being in the house and becoming innovative. So In a way I feel/felt kind of bad for myself for not having the drive to do so as well but the thing about what I do is whether it be as simple as a few words.. I put out based on experience(I’m not experiencing anything in the house) + feeling. Luckily this social isolation shit allowed me to capture how it’s making me feel in a way that’s true to what I do regularly resulting in this sporadic read.

To say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is very accurate. I feel so stuck and the difference between this and a creative block is the fact actions from everyday life isn’t helping guide me since… everyday life has essentially stopped. At least when I’m at a pause I can continue to work towards (everything I put out is an expression of how I interpret life so I’m always bound to figure something out in order to flow again). In this case I can’t do anything but sit on ideas, visions, and hope to eventually see things I imagined because I’m not settling with what I can do when I’m fully aware it’s more to be done in order to execute properly. The feeling of intentionally not doing what you would like to, to assure you’re becoming better because you’re well and able while knowing you can’t be your best is doing something to me.

To think and truly comprehend the idea that I’m “nervous” from sitting in the house sounds wicked but I suppose it’s part of some overzealous process of making a “debut”, again, because I have been revitalizing my ability to put out new pieces and expand.

I was so happy to be finally expanding myself in different sectors of being creative and then life just froze. I HATE IT. In addition to being ardent in regards of when you get back to what you do best, it’s a possibility you lost it since realistically stuff won’t be the same. Although change and growth is good when it’s unprovoked/forced I’m realizing it is so WEAK to the point it’s unappreciated.

All Photos Were Taken By Seamscomplicated

I’m Confused.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m at with it at this time in my life. I feel good but I need something.. I just don’t know how I want to present myself as I continue to live. A part of me is kind of worried if I might do something wrong, but the other part of me trusts myself enough to feel like if I don’t take initiative for myself I’ll accidentally block things out of my life that I’m ready to experience yet indecisive If I’m ready for, aside from me wanting it. The ability to have the ultimate choice and the ability to wonder is where my dilemma lies.

The least of my concern is being understood at this time also. I can’t explain how I feel without sounding insane in a sense and even though I’m okay with that, I don’t see the mass majority of people being receptive of the fact I am different and well aware in a realm that either doesn’t concern them or they just don’t understand and instead of respecting that they’ll just insist I’m inadequate.

I assume my real problem, personally, is now I’m willing to grow [some more] and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my life as of now when I should be just moving on; while understanding the idea of “moving on” isn’t a bad thing. Without a doubt I feel like great things are coming/on their way to me and I’m very focused on making sure I don’t screw up the receptiveness of what could be.

Aside from the inflicted confusion, nonetheless, I’m excited and a lot less worried since I’ve grasped the concept that life moves forward regardless and the ability to adapt is the same as being the fittest in order to survive. I’m currently playing around trying to figure out how I could be my best and elevate my execution. I’ve transitioned a bit and I’m back at a “I know I’m great, I just don’t know what I am doing” stage in life and It’s a little overwhelming because I have so many options being someone who is transitional in general therefore I’m indeed always growing whether it be up or down.

I’m going to figure it out, as someone that always does and document my thoughts more consistently while doing so because great minds think alike and with that being said I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels as such.

read my previous article “I’m Bored.” that revolves around being indecisive along with scared of advancement

Just Finished My 21st Lap Around the Sun

Intro: I’m making it a annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

As I’ve been on my journey to 22 I’ve realized I’ve spoiled myself with independence which is simply my ability to be unavailable on my own terms.

I’ve grown use to people not being in my life long term so I’ve just stopped assuring comfort to keep people by my side. Due to the rationality if I did, they’d still leave anyways and that’s “fine”.

It has gotten to the point where I’ve isolated myself into a phase where I’m more often than not unimpressed, unamused, and uninterested. Resulting in me being impressed, amused, and interested only in myself on a personal level. I’ve become an “I don’t feel like it” kind of person when it comes to my dealing with people (which is fine to a certain extent but I’m aware I abuse the ability to) and it has become an extremity. If I don’t feel like it I just won’t do which is selfish but here’s how I justify it; I don’t offer myself to others to “deal” with because I’m for certain I wouldn’t even “deal” with myself under these circumstances if given the option.

All of this contributes to me becoming one with my lonesomeness. I find a certain security in isolation. Another factor that I feel plays a role in this development is not dating or being in relationships and that’s when you start developing the importance of people along with building the idea of what attachment is and can be. Therefore I have no true understanding of what attachment is and I find it to be interchangeable with being … dependent (from what I’ve seen), which isn’t good.

Essentially the point is I’m very selfish because I never had to be considerate (I don’t get the chance to) and as a young observant adult I have no reason to “endure” the actions or feelings of others, like I see people do all the time, because I know how it feels to be by myself and I’m quite used to it.

2019 was the year I stopped disregarding my introverted sacred self and respected my ability to not be so socially active yet still big on presence. I also realized my expectations for people and things are not high so I’m rarely ever disappointed in anything or anybody that isn’t myself, causing me to walk through life very neutral because of acceptance, since I have the ability to control what I accept in the first place.

I explained all of that loosely so what I have to say next is a little more understandable in a realm [un]related to.

I’ve realized my ability to be a people person is slowly deteriorating. Sometimes hearing or having to listen to people irritates me.
Sometimes being around too many people drives me mad.
Sometimes I just don’t want to talk [in addition to me not wanting to listen and then process a thought to respond generally].
It’s so much I don’t care to do if it’s not on my terms and I’ve realized how bad that is that I’m comfortable, I’m in control.
Unsolicited or unwanted interaction in physical form has the tendency to just infuriate me and it’s really not that serious nor do I think it’s “healthy”.

But I’m also grown so on my journey to 23 and I figured I’d extend myself so I’m not so hard to co-exist with due to trapping myself in such an isolated place.

A part of me just is sure I’ll never be understood so I rarely put in to be more understanding, these days.

I’m in the middle of catching up with myself and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t learn as I lived to take accountability for my actions though. I’ve been processing a lot of feelings over the last two years which probably built this ultimately what I’ll consider a hiding place. A hiding place I’ve created and now I feel like I’ve took the time to understand myself enough to understand realistically… “I need to fix this” I’m ready to be experienced again.

I had to learn how to respect my feelings by allowing them to— I had to understand that when I allow my feelings I don’t take away from my character or that the feelings I had in the beginning are suddenly invalid. I had to understand that when circumstances change I’m allowed to change how I feel too! I unintentionally kept myself stagnant by thinking more than I felt and I was feeling a lot so it made me think I’d handle everything better by not dealing with at all.

Suggestive advice: A change isn’t always good or bad, it’s just a change in what you’re used to. The tricky part is understanding that and reacting to it in either a good or bad way which sets the tone on what comes about next and that’s usually the healing process because everything gets analyzed during that process whether it be of any importance.

I was busy trying to respect the feelings of the past (which didn’t apply anymore) to assure a present/future I was going to live regardless.

Suggestive Advice Cont. All in all my message is to allow yourself.
Allow yourself whatever you need in order to be better but first take accountability that you’re not okay and or where you’d like to be.
Approve the shift in character in order to allow yourself to fix yourself. Allow yourself the anger you might feel like you’re better than.
Allow yourself the sadness you might be tired of fighting.
Allow yourself the disappointment you weren’t looking forward to.
Allow yourself the stupidity you thought you were smarter than.

I didn’t allow myself, which allowed me to just become closed off.

Wishing everyone much peace, joy, and prosperity always, all ways.

Here’s a link to Last Year’s

Thought: I Get Over It Only To Get Back Under It.

You get to a point where you’re just over it.

You get to a point where you’re just over it, you think.
It’s a very enjoyable yet temporary I’d call feeling, but it’s more so a realization that’s very reoccurring.

The carelessness has the ability to be so peace filled. I assume being careless resulting in you caring less is the only control you have over yourself when emotionally and mentally everything has become so numb you’re stuck. To not necessarily care about anything and to just feel without thinking, to do without explanation, and just follow is the only time everything is alright because you don’t have the energy to question the hopes of making sense of the senseless.

Then something clicks and you realize stuff beyond your control sucks! Without explanation it was some underlying trigger that now has you bothered, offended to say the least. You can’t fathom the thought of certain aspects of life. Yet you try so not your back where you started not over it, in act under it more likely than not.

In all I feel like this happens to be courtesy of you perceiving situations however you perceived them without being able to acknowledge how you feel (felt). So you hold onto it hoping for the day you get the chance to explain or even bring pain to whatever disturbed you and the only way to do that is to not forget. [Sounds like an uncanny defense mechanism that only contributes stress to one party but, “go off”.] So we aren’t giving ourselves the opportunity to move past… when in hindsight we need to work it out independently because no one cares except us.

I’m Bored.

I’m unamused, unimpressed, and uninterested with my space.
I can only influence and or inspire myself so much.

I want to elevate so badly in so many instances/aspects but I’m aware I am lacking something that’s causing me not to know how. So in the meantime I’ve just been floating and not focused while trying to gather inspiration from, unfortunately that has been resulting in my silence because I have nothing to say since I can’t even comprehend the feelings of much of nothing along with what life means at this time for me. The irritation gathered from all of this is draining also but fortunately even if it’s empty ideas I figure I keep spit balling them in the hopes everything will start flowing, again, although I don’t know what happens to be.

I’ve outgrown (or I’m more so in the process of outgrowing) myself and I appreciate that but I’ve realized I don’t know how to be in control of what I want and the funny thing about that is as I write this I’ve come to the conclusion that’s probably the point. To let life. I can’t explain the emptiness I’m feeling it’s in no regards of creativity either I know it’s a transition though, to transcend whatever that means it sounds like it goes with what I’m saying though. I suppose I’m supposed to be learning something right now yet I’m so focused on what I’m not doing/feeling I can’t enjoy the process I’m being put through having time to “learn”, realize, rationalize, and or discover to help me create as I do nothing because I’m ANXIOUS … to execute.

I assume I shouldn’t shut myself down but since I write on what I know & feel if I’ve given all the knowledge I have gained in this lifetime of mine at this time… I have nothing to enlighten you with, If I feel no ways so it’s nothing to talk about resulting in nothing at all and I’m better than that. So you see how I grow irritated with the process. I feel free and pointless at the same time and I’m so okay with it the flow of, “nothing”, I’m comfortably uncomfortable with the fact I’m not learning when in fact I’m just simply living.

I can’t believe I don’t know what I’m doing right now
captured by idris_is_nooice

As I reread this I also figure this process is scary to me since I’ve come to the current end of and I’m on my way to my next journey of what just might be content expansion but I’m so focused on my purpose not being fulfilled without my satisfaction when really I need not forget It’s still more to come.

Real Love

I always stress to be yourself when it comes to building a foundation of support and love from people around you.

Be yourself for yourself.

The best thing you can do is be yourself, if you aren’t true to yourself you can’t expect people to be true to you. They don’t know you. They’re simply acting accordingly according to how you act and present yourself.

You shouldn’t have to jeopardize your self identity in order to justify someones presences in your life.

As people we overlook our habit of feeling so entitled to someones presence who is a present to us! We selfishly deprive ourselves of our own independent happyness to assure we experience some people who are simply not meant for us. We become addicted to the “ideally” and disregard the gift of thinking realistically.

“Do yourself a favor and reveal the real you so you can be loved and embraced correctly instead of accordingly”

All this, like everything else is very much so easier said than done. Which is understandable because once you realize that person or people don’t necessarily care for the “real” you… it’s a feel of disappointment.
Why does one feel disappointed by simply being themselves? They let who is “important” to them down in a sense, although that individual has nothing to do with you as an individual of your own.

That’s why I stress! To be yourself people are either going to respect it or neglect it and it’s nothing you can do about that, but value the people who rock with you in your purest form.

As a kid I kept getting thrown this particular lesson. None of the people I really wanted to be friends with cared for me because I was “weird” so I built up this persona to fit in and it kind of caused more grief than I’m sure I wouldn’t have had if I just accepted they didn’t care for me. What really made me realize this was when someone so important to me just disappeared out of my life after aligning myself to be everything they were eager for. That situation made me grow up and stopped caring and forced me to take accountability to the fact I wasn’t being myself.

I felt like if someone I’d give the world to didn’t see the importance in me while capturing everything they thought was important.. what else did I have to lose?

Some people won’t be able to grasp or respect the transition once you have such an epiphany, they’ll just feel like you’re changing when really you’re growing. Being you. The outcome of the transition can be so heartbreaking but also help you develop a strength of self so remarkable and pure it’s worth it.

I made up this saying a few years ago “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything.” and I like to reiterate it with “and everything isn’t for everybody!” which is just that.

Self Love, The Real Love.