I’m Confused.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m at with it at this time in my life. I feel good but I need something.. I just don’t know how I want to present myself as I continue to live. A part of me is kind of worried if I might do something wrong, but the other part of me trusts myself enough to feel like if I don’t take initiative for myself I’ll accidentally block things out of my life that I’m ready to experience yet indecisive If I’m ready for, aside from me wanting it. The ability to have the ultimate choice and the ability to wonder is where my dilemma lies.

The least of my concern is being understood at this time also. I can’t explain how I feel without sounding insane in a sense and even though I’m okay with that, I don’t see the mass majority of people being receptive of the fact I am different and well aware in a realm that either doesn’t concern them or they just don’t understand and instead of respecting that they’ll just insist I’m inadequate.

I assume my real problem, personally, is now I’m willing to grow [some more] and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my life as of now when I should be just moving on; while understanding the idea of “moving on” isn’t a bad thing. Without a doubt I feel like great things are coming/on their way to me and I’m very focused on making sure I don’t screw up the receptiveness of what could be.

Aside from the inflicted confusion, nonetheless, I’m excited and a lot less worried since I’ve grasped the concept that life moves forward regardless and the ability to adapt is the same as being the fittest in order to survive. I’m currently playing around trying to figure out how I could be my best and elevate my execution. I’ve transitioned a bit and I’m back at a “I know I’m great, I just don’t know what I am doing” stage in life and It’s a little overwhelming because I have so many options being someone who is transitional in general therefore I’m indeed always growing whether it be up or down.

I’m going to figure it out, as someone that always does and document my thoughts more consistently while doing so because great minds think alike and with that being said I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels as such.

read my previous article “I’m Bored.” that revolves around being indecisive along with scared of advancement

To match or Not to match

“Match their energy…” “We’re matching energy.” “I’m just going to match their energy.”

Why? Why do we have this idea that we must lower ourselves to prove..what? What is the significance in putting your character to the side in order to prove something to someone that does even equate to you, contribute any good to you, or most likely doesn’t even care about you, and will confuse you reflecting them to you simply “tripping” because if they did it wouldn’t be necessary to match their “energy”.

I’ve never heard anyone say they were going to match the energy of someone with a positive narrative behind it instead of fighting fire with fire.

I assume it’s the same as “treating others the way you’d like to be treated” but maybe not, see I associate that with common courtesy. Where else “Energy” is something much more sacred, sincere, something you ought of protect in a sense.

When we sacrifice ourselves like that we don’t notice how not only is it essentially a waste of time but also how vulnerable we are. We willingly ruin ourselves in the hopes the person, a person, who happens to not have “soul” themselves get its. Which leaves us disheveled because in a sense we lose ourselves on accident and can’t grasp that it was never anything wrong with us but the problem is them, only to turn into them since we don’t feel appreciated. It’s the little things that are able to create a domino effect of trauma. Point is just remember you can’t feel for a person that doesn’t feel themselves.

May the hurt we experience allow us to grow wiser, wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity

xoxo

THE COVER IS FROM THE MOVIE “HOW HIGH”

Regression = Progression

Regression! Sometimes you must backtrack to find depth in what went wrong, what feels incorrect, what the next step is. It’s okay to go back to what you know, don’t feel “guilty”. We know ourselves the best, we know the details of our life that shaped us to be who we’ve become, the feelings we push into oblivion, the wants, and everything else.

Periodically we progress so much we lose touch of what would be the next step in our life. That makes us feel uncomfortable, temporarily, due to confusion. What we once knew is now unfamiliar and while we’re stuck in the realm of ourselves we just don’t know.

We get to a point of finding ourselves going back to what started us, out of boredom or even in remembrance, to inspire us to move in the what would be “correct” direction.

In the game of monopoly (in theory) we go around the same board.. however many times just to essentially better ourselves. So if you feel like old versions of you can contribute to a better you, don’t question it.

By all this I mean everything is a butterfly effect as I say often. So in The trickling down of each situation, memory, or feelings you used as a lesson can be recycled to validate other lessons. It can spark the answers to the “why am I?” “Did I stop because…?”, “what am I doing this for?”, questions we feel like we shouldn’t have to actually think to answer. You can rely on feeling, feelings are important but can also be inadequate, especially when you feel nothing.

Much peace, joy, and prosperity xoxo

B.I.A.S.E.D

Post 20

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Why do we deem certain types of “Crazy” more acceptable than others? When I say this I’m referring to the “Crazy” of a Man vs the “Crazy” of a Woman, for the most part, in this particular post.

Crazy is Crazy.

“Crazy” can be interpreted many different ways mainly regarding what’s unethical to another! but we forget it holds emotional value we also disregard.

Crazy can triple as an Adjective, Adverb, or Noun

  • Adjective Definition: 1. Mentally Deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. |Extremely annoyed or angry | foolish

2. Extremely Enthusiastic

  • Adverb Definition: 1. Extremely.
  • Noun Definition: 1. A mentally deranged person.

If you take the time to decipher crazy you notice we use it loosely to begin with. So what’s really “crazy” isn’t necessarily “crazy” it’s just blatant stupidity if not contradictory, to another, or goes against someone else’s moral standing as I said in the beginning.

As I get older I realize it’s different categories to “crazy” here’s a few:

  1. Relationship crazy: which deals with the emotional aspect of it all not saying one emotion is superior to the other but when women act out it’s justified as passion, when a man acts out in the same way it’s looked at as outlandish behavior. We disregard that legitimately it was still indeed emotional outrage on either sides of the field causing one to do what, react how, they did.
  2. The mentally ill who shouldn’t really be called crazy since it’s insensitive & most likely they don’t have the proper help, if were being specific.
  3. Serial killer crazy which are just both of the above.

Overall to keep it simplistic and just give you an idea of what I’m getting at:

I love how some women are aggressively rude/toxic towards men, intentionally, w/ the idea that, that can be used to determine their masculinity because they should be able to “handle” it, and if they don’t want to deal with unfavorable behaviors as such they are … less of a man. Then again I assume it’s because it’s some strange rhetoric out there that a “Strong” woman is a woman that deals with the same toxic/rude misbehavior from men out of the sake of “he’s a man”.

I’ve noticed that the world is becoming more specific and that’s fine but we can’t be specific without being precise, knit picking, observing, and being unbiased to figure out the butterfly effect of everything. So I guess this post is more based on our(WoMen) lack to respect emotion equally. I assume it’s because we don’t respect a mans vulnerability while also brushing off a women’s.

If you ended up annoyed that I kept comparing men & women because in your world they aren’t the same I proved my point of double standards because I said in the beginning “crazy is crazy” which was the point. The correct standing of “crazy” can’t be justified depending on the particular gender.

the cover is a still from “Its a thin line between love and hate, 1996

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

“What do you see when you see me?”

Before we start here’s some food for thought, Black Michael Jackson.. and White Michael Jackson were definitely conspiracy theories.

I am more than sure everybody wonders how they are perceived by “the people” whether you care or not, it’s a thought.

I’d say 70+ percent of those people are thinking appearance wise while the other percentile wonders “WHAT MAKES A PERSON NOT BELIEVE IN ME??? HOW DID I PRESENT MYSELF FOR A PERSON TO THINK I’M DUMB?”

This refers to any instance. (It often happens to me with friendships in particular.)

In my case I wonder why people insult my intelligence, question my character, or just do not believe in my capabilities of being a honest person generally.

I think people go out of their way to not pay attention to another persons sincerity. Or maybe they are just truly oblivious to the experiences.

I’ve also developed an understanding that not every one can reciprocate the love they are given because they aren’t use to it. So can I blame them for treating me the only way they know how to treat people? It’s a tough decision to decide if you’re willing to make it your “job” to prove yourself to people in honor of defending yourself when realistically they probably don’t even care. They’ve become accustom to how they’re living, how people treat them. In a way I feel bad for people who adjust to being treated so crappy, they can’t enjoy the people who see so much more in them than they see in themselves.

At the same time I’m also very aware of Sensibility and it is hard to believe some people do not posses the ability to use it one bit. It’s there regardless if you choose to not display emotion externally…it’s there.

Hopefully people start picking up on the sincerity of a person so the giver doesn’t become tired,discouraged, or just choose to change their demeanor in all.

Take pleasure in a persons care for you whether it lasts forever for not! Don’t let that kind of energy go to waste.

Experiences will either create a new person or new perspective.. not always for the greater good either.

Wishing everyone Peace, Joy, and Prosperity xoxo.

Featured Song: Brent Faiyaz – Insecure

Friends

I was never fond of the whole “Birds of a Feather Flock Together” theory because mentally I knew even though I was hanging out with these particular people it was a disconnect intellectually (especially as I got to know them) therefore they’d never be able to relate, to me in general. The relation between such individuals and I were never, um, similar for me to feel like I’d want to be like/do as them SINCERELY. So the “flocking together part…was irrelevant. Let alone my high regards of what being a friend actually meant to me.

It irritates me how passively the word friend is tossed around so frivolously. It has loss a lot of feeling, what is a “friend”? Friendships kind of carry a negative connotation only because the betrayal is easier to publicize since everybody can relate to it, unfortunately.

I still don’t know if I take my friendships so seriously because they fill the void of not having a connection with my relatives.. and if that is really the case maybe I shouldn’t apply such pressure, pressure as in they should do any wrong to me.. EVER. Then again my personal family conflictions really have nothing to do with a person that was initially a stranger treating me “better” in many aspects than my own biological relatives will. I respect that and it will always have my high regards so I’m for certain they can do better than what they might do that would cause a conflict between our friends, if you catch my drift.

Now that I am “of age” I’m what you can say proud… that the people I surround myself with think as highly of me as I think of them. I’m lucky for many reasons but what I don’t acknowledge often are my friendships, I know some of the coolest people from having talents to great personalities. My friendships revolve around kind things resembling Fondness, Support, Honesty, and Loyalty. Not everyone gets to develop those kind of bonds with people and keep them on going as years progress.

So basically what I’m getting at is The Birds I’m flocking these days I’m very fond of. I’ve gotten to know with some of the kindest people spirits.

It makes me wonder if it’s not the lack of family or maybe its how I carry myself. I believe you are what you attract applies to many things and… if I am able to attract people who have such unique characteristics I’m something special because these people are extremely special to me. It helps a lot knowing you have people that look forward to you regardless of how you feel about yourself independently, I feel like people don’t value that kind of flattery.

I feel like the word “Friend” which is a noun meaning 1. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a BOND of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.  is used where the word “Acquaintance”,  which is a noun meaning 1. A person’s knowledge or experience of something. 2. A person one knows SLIGHTLY but who is not a CLOSE friend, often fits.

Big Ups to my friends for supporting me as a whole from every idea I have to my lifestyle choices. You learn things such as forgiveness, rationality, or how to deal with sensitivity  from different perspectives and I’m very thankful for that.

Side note: Don’t be afraid to let your friends know you love them and shit sometimes.

The featured photo is from the sitcom “Friends”

!Wishing everyone Peace, Joy, and Porosity always XOXO!

Surprise Song, Enjoy It

Risk

Post 16

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Something that truly irritates me is the fact you have to choose self respect verses you’re success these days, you can’t just live your life accordingly without risking your livelihood. We as people have independent morals, beliefs, and senses that we stand by but we must tone it down in order to make sure we don’t ruin ourselves because people don’t know how to allow more than one perception of an individual to flourish.

No, This doesn’t include the derogatory mess some of you refer to as ‘opinions’ regarding race, sexuality, & sexism among other things that don’t even effect you personally but consider to speak out the ass about so, don’t quote me in reference to such confusion considered a ‘moral’, ‘belief’, or ‘sense’.

I’ve always had that “you’re weird.” ‘Problem’ to be frank I still do and it’s so hard to disregard honestly. Only because it’s portrayed that being this extraordinary individual isn’t comforting to others so it isn’t likable since it lacks the norm, From my perspective I don’t get why your incomparable flow couldn’t awaken the minds of others that in fact you can be.. Different!  Just like being told “you’re pretty” or any compliment you hold onto it, the same rules apply to the negativity especially when you’re building yourself up to help you evolve and although being “weird” isn’t something necessarily negative it’s also not something to be fond about. It makes you second guess yourself and it makes you live within a box that doesn’t let satisfy your urge to free yourself.

What I wonder is why people pressure others to continue to not be ‘unhappy’ by not respecting them express themselves while they know how it feels to stay secret.

I don’t think people realize It’s a lack of respect for Originality these days. It’s okay to put out whatever as long as the people like you.  “Be something others can relate to.” As if that’s impossible to do just because something is abnormal a mass amount of people aren’t accepting of what’s ‘irregular’. To me if you, being you is relatable to one let alone a few then it will encourage many to take pride in any and everything regarding them.

Looking back, personally, I’ve sold myself short many times when it comes to self expression for the sake of people to like me. People who didn’t even pay attention to the fact I was like them after I purposely dedicated time to their acceptance.  As a kid, teenager, young creative you are not aware that a person should like you because you are you and not who you should be. That’s as far as it should go though, once we reach a fine moment in adulthood we must start embracing and living for ourselves.

Confinement“, a word developed from the root word “confine” which is a noun that means “the borders or boundaries of a place, especially regard to their restricting freedom of movement”

The featured photo is from the Bad Boy Record label Photo shoot showcasing the release of Craig Mack & Notorious B.I.G new music incorporating the infamous McDonald’s Big Mac.

Crazy Like That Glue – Craig Mack Documentary

Surprise Song, Enjoy it