Do you believe in formal break ups? I do, maybe because I’ve never been given the opportunity to experience anything other than abandonment, in which I will admit matured me but has also been kind of… traumatic along with set the tone on how I deal/adapt to others ideally.

Have you ever been ghosted?
As I’ve gotten older I can comprehend the “embarrassment” that comes with being ghosted and to say I once respected it would be showcasing how naive I was in the name of admiration because it wasn’t love.

I asked generally why do people ghost people outside of feeling dismissed by who they no longer want to deal with and that was still the main answer but someone also said “in the past when I had terrible communication skills I use to ghost n****s because I didn’t know how to express it” in addition to something else but that’s the kind of sensible accountable answer I was looking for, to put the idea of “ghosting” into perspective for me.

Out of the 2 relationships + 1 situationship I truly do not count but are essential to this blog post I haven’t been giving the courtesy of any communication really to understand why people just wake up with a change of heart and in this months blog I will be sharing how ghosting has effected me in layers 🙂

I don’t feel entitled to common courtesy, or at least I didn’t.. I’ve been trying to work outside of that because it’s a declaration for lack of respect. I adapted to being very over-standing. Since I was introduced to being ghosted at such a tender age that resulted in anger.. the “love” outweighed my frustration. I decided to save face by conditioning myself to NOT expect anything more than s*** face behavior, from anyone, because if I understood that the 1 I adored might be a d*ck, uncommunicative, or even just an emotional con artist. It would be only right for me to accept what came of it whether it be good or ugly and honestly that’s kind of pathetic nor is it worth it.

So all of that was just surface level adaptation I always kept in mind when pursuing the next person because in my first ghosting instance, which was just a random cold block.

Eventually I fell in love again and guess what? yep.
I couldn’t believe it either.

The second time didn’t go anyway I thought I prepared for. I always felt like if I were to be ghosted again I would know how to handle it, I probably could’ve if I didn’t instill so much trust into the friendship base of that particular “relationship” but it makes no sense to move on with someone in skepticism in the name of “love”. (I read that love is powerful because it allows you to be vulnerable and I don’t know how I feel about that concept, although I subject myself to that said chaos.)
The irony of being essentially ghosted the second time made me even more angry because I was clear that being ghosted was something I hate so deeply and I can remember I mentioned this because I’ll never forget being laughed at and warned that they were the ghosting type. So I wholeheartedly blame myself for not taking those words and actions for what they were and giving the benefit of doubt instead, I caused myself a lot of heartache.

It’s messed up I blame myself for the inabilities of others but it’s true stance.
I question why I’m so easy to leave, why am I so easy to leave so carelessly.
I question what I do to drive people to not wanting anything to do with me sporadically.
I question if I’m as safe as I desire to be, but maybe I’m not because If I was then people would at least feel safe enough to communicate why they no longer like me generally.
I think deep down something because in no way, shape, or form did I not..even though I know I didn’t.
I feel small and intimated by the idea of seeing the person who ghosted me. As if 1 wrong move would result in them being disgusted with me and offend them in some way, because after all they don’t want to see me.

I don’t feel completely comfortable existing because to who I adored I’m aware my presence is …disturbing.

My favorite part is the fact I can’t count any “relationship” I’ve been in, so I’m often questioned or portrayed as crazy to the inquisitive. At my older age when a person is interested in you the discussion of “exes” come up and I genuinely do not know why people have walked out of my life to clarify anything.
The shit is sad.
Especially since the often rebuttal is “you had to have done something.” or the fact I’m essentially lying when I say “I’ve never been in a relationship.” because it’s a simpler answer yet I don’t like to tell stories so the statement is conflicting. A part of it that emphasizes my anger is the fact I’m holding myself myself accountable blindly. Why must I be considerate without being given consideration for a predicament I didn’t create? Why am I playing cat and mouse with my thoughts and actions to assure I don’t do whatever I did to cause a person to run from me again in the future.

It’s also interesting that people like to comeback eventually as well and as amazing as that would’ve been for me when I was younger, I’m no longer longing for my time to extend my forgiveness because now my distaste outweighs my admiration. I’m not hateful, it’s just awkward because I don’t know how to talk to not offend which will result in their absence again. Especially since I’ve grown upward since last interactions if it’s been years, I don’t want to reintroduce myself or let alone relearn someone.

In hindsight what I have gotten from my tribulations is, still nobody owes me anything, and my favorite developed attribute is my independence since my efforts to be- are not taken into consideration in the process of being abandoned! In the midst of being willing to be what it takes to assure their comfort. I shouldn’t be dependent on the idea that I must be a staple of someone else’s happyness rather than simply just contribute to it, and vice versa. Being ghosted helped me develop self assurance as well, I have no eagerness to cross my ability to be understanding with self respect or toleration. I learned that people are not to be possessed just experienced and that makes me enjoy and value the people who do stay in my life long term(or longer than usual) 1000% more than if I felt entitled to a persons existence. I also feel like if I wouldn’t never been through the ghosting experience I wouldn’t have acquired the knowledge I have now so you know how it goes..

Talk To Y’all Later