To Be Or Not To Be, Single

Successful, Single, and Sad.

Those are the three S’s we will be going over today [I just wanted to approach this humorously dramatic]. Although in all seriousness those are the bases of this post today.

I’ve become one with the idea I’ll be single for life, I know I established this already, but it was still a smidgen of hope that wouldn’t be the case as someone who is willing. I am writing today to say I take back my smidgen! I’m truly no longer “hopeful”, never really was looking either for that matter anyways.

For starters, I think I should establish that I don’t believe in marriage and I don’t find having children to be a necessity. So my outlook on my life is not only a tad bit selfish but bias.

Now that that’s out of the way.. I’ve noticed that my ability to be busy seems to be almost like a turn off to most. I’m finding it to be the most peculiar thing as well. But hear me out… stability, having my own, just doing for myself will always be more important than a “relationship” to me. I’m more important than a relationship to me, technically. Obviously. I’ve figured if the person isn’t as busy as me it just won’t work essentially.

Then it’s the aspect of nobody ever really stays long enough anyways… so… would you say I jeopardize all potential relationships by friendzoning? Now if I did I’d clarify by saying… my friends be in my life forever, so if I like you in my life of course you’re going to be my friend because my friends don’t leave. Terrible yet logical habit. IF! I had to say this hypothetically in regards of myself. Truth be told I prioritize my friends more anyways so if we’re being totally honest here [laughs out loud] being my friend is the best bet.

Aside from all that you ask yourself “Maybe I just haven’t met someone I’d desire to make time for” but like bbymutha said “catching dick and missing money, missing money catching dick” [janis ian dyke] it’s all pretty frivolous and irrelevant to me since my success and independence determines my availability to feel comfortable enough to not focus on maintaining and elevating my comfort. And to be honest if you aren’t helping me do that you must obviously not care about me like you think I should feel anyways because helping me would help you. … wow that sounds selfish. It’s my truth though so I won’t take it personally.

All in all I’ve come to the conclusion! [where is my drumroll????]

I think I lowkey suck. It’s sad but I’m not remorseful about it either. I won’t dwell on it because I don’t see myself working on it since being bound 2 isn’t really a priority to me anyways!

Question: I wonder how many adults feel such a way and how has it effected their love life. I feel like I’ve talked about this before but I can’t remember and like I mention I never really go read my old blog post again.

I just said to myself “I can love later” but when is later? What if I never obtain the level of comfort I desire to enjoy and miss out on love? I like the idea of love but I don’t like the idea of being slowed down by codependency. I always felt drake in my soul when he said “relationships slowing me down they slow down the vision, guess I’m not in the position to deal with commitment.” [redemption]

Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways! Talk To Y’all Later. – Aunty

I’m Doing Fine.

I’ve officially outgrown my desire for likes and all that superficial shit because what I put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. And that itself I’m thankful for.

I find myself stumbling across opportunities to work with and become friends with people who once inspired me, and that’s because of me as a person and my persistence. I feel like that’s enough honestly because I’m proud they see what they’ve contributed to. Especially while I feel like you can say I’m a “nobody” if you solely base my online presence over my ability to preform, which I understand if you do.

All in all I’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors for sure, in the very least, which is fine by me.

It’s a bigger everything to every action and I’m no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” because I’ve successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + everything else to co-exist in the world without expectation, which has humbled my disappointment and feeling of being “disregard”.

I’m chilling. I’m growing up. I’m learning. I still feel like I’m great but just don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know Ima be alright. I’m no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking”— resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what I, can, do! I’m excited and underwhelmed. I’m proud of me.

Like I say “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything. And everything isn’t meant for everybody” that’s the truth. It’s okay. It was a tweet (if I can find it I’ll link it) but it said something along the lines of “you become disconnected when you look at your talents as a commodity that’s not paying off.” And now that I’ve gotten over that… I feel more certain about what I’m doing and can’t wait to do more instead of feeling like I’m failing, I’m doing fine.

I feel back to normal, when I started all this I did it to get my feelings off mainly. I wanted to be open about not know, being wrong, and whatever else that comes with life and somewhere along the journey of just talking on the internet I got greedy. The society I was battling I joined forces with unintentionally and let it slow me down. And I had the nerve to allow it to make me question what I know best about myself. Being that I can write!!

Talk to y’all later! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways – Aunty

xoxo

Why Can’t I Preform While Not Under Pressure

Like the title says…

Why can’t I function when I’m not under pressure? I’m being a bit dramatic, I can function but the fact it’s nothing and my craftsmanship is based on ultimately the evolution of something… always happening. When nothing is going on I feel stuck.

I feel bored. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’m missing something else. It’s nothing to make happen. I ought of enjoy when peace stands still but look at me, trying not to stress because I’m not use to what it feels to be tranquil.

Maybe I should dedicate times like this to learn how to relax since I still haven’t seemed to make that one of my strong suits but instead I will solidify my month being “book & busy” in which I’m looking forward to. As I write I realize I’m beginning something new the month of September as well and I should take this time to transition forward clear minded. It’s something about moving like a madman that makes things more enjoyable to me because all in all I still managed to get “it” done. I wonder why ppl are so attached to struggle, black people/minorities that is..

I figure because it makes you seem like your work is more validated since it wasn’t easy to come by or that your actually working towards bettering something in whole whilst we don’t even know how to truly appreciate what better is; at least… I don’t clearly.

I’m trying though— with real efforts. Maybe I should also take this time to learn how to capture happyness and serenity in my literature. I’ve grown bored of writing about being sad all the time, I’m not sad all the time no more. And as of late I’ve been quiet but that’s because I don’t know how to put my peace into a perspective in which can be felt because I’m to busy waiting for it to leave instead of even feeling it to begin with it seems as I continue with this blog post.

I did find some time to write a poem a few days ago which I like honestly, it’s different from that particular narrative I hope you enjoy it as well!

Wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity. Always, All Ways xoxo!!!

⁃ Aunty

Short Sermon: 8 Mile

I feel very powerful after I’ve expressed myself because I’ve basically put myself in a position of risky vulnerability, but since I established my feelings [by living in them] they can’t be held against me. Speaking my truth, the acknowledgment of my emotions, or just taking the time to voice myself without second guessing how I’m feeling to begin with all plays a role people probably write off unintentionally. Living in fear of, is how someone else might feel about the idea of feelings [that belong to them] which is kind of understandable but absurd if you really analyze it and it does you no justice in moving forward or learning if you purposely make the point to disregard. No one can make me feel as if my feelings are invalid because they’re already felt and established. No one can make me feel bad about how I’m feeling because I’ve done that for myself essentially; clearly I felt such a way but sometimes you wonder are the feelings being felt worth it. We tend to base it on circumstances that made us feel the particular way to begin with when what matters is you. We live without realizing how much power is given to someone/something over us oppose to being brave enough to live in your feelings un-apologetically, by giving yourself the strength you needed to get through whatever because you’ve already got through the hard part and that’s analyzing > understanding > feeling > understanding how you feel or setting a standard to make sure you don’t want to feel in particular again since that’s passive endurement doesn’t make you weak.

I’ve learned to embrace my feelings in a less of words because I feel proud I was able to get through it and then move on or revisit without feeling bad for myself.

I’m Confused.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m at with it at this time in my life. I feel good but I need something.. I just don’t know how I want to present myself as I continue to live. A part of me is kind of worried if I might do something wrong, but the other part of me trusts myself enough to feel like if I don’t take initiative for myself I’ll accidentally block things out of my life that I’m ready to experience yet indecisive If I’m ready for, aside from me wanting it. The ability to have the ultimate choice and the ability to wonder is where my dilemma lies.

The least of my concern is being understood at this time also. I can’t explain how I feel without sounding insane in a sense and even though I’m okay with that, I don’t see the mass majority of people being receptive of the fact I am different and well aware in a realm that either doesn’t concern them or they just don’t understand and instead of respecting that they’ll just insist I’m inadequate.

I assume my real problem, personally, is now I’m willing to grow [some more] and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my life as of now when I should be just moving on; while understanding the idea of “moving on” isn’t a bad thing. Without a doubt I feel like great things are coming/on their way to me and I’m very focused on making sure I don’t screw up the receptiveness of what could be.

Aside from the inflicted confusion, nonetheless, I’m excited and a lot less worried since I’ve grasped the concept that life moves forward regardless and the ability to adapt is the same as being the fittest in order to survive. I’m currently playing around trying to figure out how I could be my best and elevate my execution. I’ve transitioned a bit and I’m back at a “I know I’m great, I just don’t know what I am doing” stage in life and It’s a little overwhelming because I have so many options being someone who is transitional in general therefore I’m indeed always growing whether it be up or down.

I’m going to figure it out, as someone that always does and document my thoughts more consistently while doing so because great minds think alike and with that being said I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels as such.

read my previous article “I’m Bored.” that revolves around being indecisive along with scared of advancement

Short Sermon: Allow yourself to be Embarrassed

Value the feeling of embarrassment.

Once you get over it the first time you’ll either realize it wasn’t that bad or you’ll put in the effort to not feel that way again.

Every time I publish a set of words I hate them and I start to hate the publishing completely. Rarely do I ever feel like “Wow this is good!” and even when I do by the time I’m finish.. I hate it. I feel like it loses it’s value. I feel like it’s whack! I could’ve done better, I’m lacking what others possess so easily, yet I still put it out.

Why do I still put it out content I don’t feel sure about? Because first off I know sometimes it’s just me excepting myself to be so great off the rip. Realistically how am I suppose to get better without the advances to learn.

It’s many elements I know I lack because I keep going, if I didn’t have proof my words from late 2016 are far more poorly put together I wouldn’t be proud of how far the structure of my words have come as time has progressed.

I knew what I didn’t have, I knew what had the potential to discourage me, I knew what everyone else had, I knew when I started I’d be a mess, but I also knew for sure I’d be good at what I wanted to do, I knew what I had to say held weight! SO I encourage everyone to “make it happen” regardless of circumstances and build, try.

After my 2016 go at things 2017 had me feeling like “okay, I’m good at this” according to the elements of my 2018 set of publishing’s the literacy of 2017 probably truly sucked but I would’ve never had the opportunity to value the structure of what I’ve been putting out 2019. I’ve learned so much forcing myself to step in front of “embarrassment”, even though I feel admirable of my ability to execute my craft and or put things together YEARS! Later. I have had the opportunity to notice everything else I need to work on to elevate me even higher.

Essentially the point is to not weaken yourself or contribute to your stagnation because you don’t want to be embarrassed, eventually it’ll become a moment you can laugh at to only smile at your strength.

I’m referring to this as “embarrassment” but as I finalize this I’m realizing that It’s the feeling of being mediocre that is what’s embarrassing and that’s okay because with time you’ll develop the ability to be as great as you desire to be. I also suppose how things are to be perceived by others can have you on the fence but remember everything isn’t for everybody.

Why I stopped saying “nigga”

With the whole “don’t say nigga unless you’re black” rhetoric going I feel the need to cover the importance of respecting that on a wider spread before I just jump in on why I stopped using the word.

• What It Means: The word “Nigga” is derived from “Nigger”. If you aren’t familiar with what a “Nigger” is it’s a noun (considered offensive) USED as an INSULTING AND CONTEMPTUOUS term FOR a BLACK PERSON, also USED as an INSULTING and CONTEMPTUOUS term FOR a MEMBER OF ANY DARK SKIN RACE, and (now often, still considered offensive) A MEMBER OF A CLASS OR GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO ARE SYSTEMATICALLY SUBJECTED TO DISCRIMINATION AND UNFAIR TREATMENT. [minding you that the last usage of the word still very much so correlates with black/dark skin people thank you.] It is a word that is “still at the center of anti-Black verbal distortions” if you’re black you can attest to the fact you’ve been called “nigger” in today’s time. The African American Registry was kind enough to provide a well written explanatory breakdown “Nigger (the word), a brief history” on the origin of the word, including the widespread derogatory meanings and what it meant to be considered a “Nigger”.
• What is a “Nigga”: Nigga is a form of “Black Pride”. African Americans had to endure a lot of torture behind being a “Nigger” and as time progressed black people felt it would be benignant to take what was once detrimental to them and show that it no longer has the power to hold any weight. [with that being said, our African American Black ancestors had to fight for that! Which is why the fight continues through anyone who feels the need to press the issue on why a non black person shouldn’t say nigga] Yes it showcases oppression and yes you’re ethnicity was probably oppressed too but the line that is drawn in between both sides happens to be Black so let Black people be in regards of Black history and what it means to be Black in America, let alone anywhere, without feeling as if they have to accept the actions of everyone when in plain sight our actions doesn’t even get allowed justification in regards of why the respect is Mandated, let alone the least that can be allotted to us without argument.

here we have real feelings/words from real people,

“Well at first before I found out being Afro Rican was a thing I wouldn’t say my family was anti black my dads side is my moms isn’t but I knew two ways the word could be used one in a derogatory way and one which was just slang that had no “bad meaning” to it but I would say it and I never got checked for it EVER but anybody else that wasn’t black would get checked for it people would say but you Puerto Rican you from the hood so you get a pass not even mentioning that I was dark or not but as I grew older being taught that Boricuas like myself have that African DNA more than other Boricuas it made sense so now I’m one of them people doing the checking some people you can put in they place some you cant they’ll keep saying it I don’t condone non black people saying it even if they genuinely mean it as how we would use it but that’s just the way mfs grew up saying that word so its something they’re used to however they can unlearn that shit” – via twitter, @D0ntGetChipped

“Honestly …. I’m one of those people it depends what you’re using the word for… if it’s in a song I won’t really care I won’t lie, but if you’re directing it toward someone else no matter their race I’m like “who a nigga?” Tf?” – via instagram, @im.asil

“Me personally, I’m not sensitive to it. I disagree more for the fact that blacks can’t have anything for themselves without other groups feeling entitled. Esp people who aren’t white but aren’t black. Whites too, but other groups hide behind the fact that we crack down on whites its frustrating in general for blacks to be the core of the culture, yet diminished by every group. Which is apart of the game I guess. but the second we understand our value is the day we can see progression. synonymous to the artists v. businessman argument.” – via twitter, @nappyhednegress

When you are a White person and you don’t honor the wishes of a Black Person telling you to stop saying “nigga” understand how you just looked over black history, black people as a whole, and you may deem it not a big deal but that should let you know you have no business saying it because you can’t understand it, you don’t live it, and clearly you don’t even respect it therefore majority rules you have no business even trying to be apart of it. Even when you say “I don’t mean it like that” you disregard black history/black people because that’s what it means and that’s what comes with saying it.

It’s nothing wrong with being wrong if you’re willing to correct your ignorance. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge with willingness to be informed while stupidity is closed minded negligence in regards of taking the opportunity to understand and gain perspective/knowledge.

• Why I Stopped saying “Nigga” It took me a good while to realize I used it to dehumanize and/or disregard the value of a Black Man. I only referred to Men as “N****s”, simply because I felt like they weren’t aligning with that it was to be a Man so I didn’t refer to them as one and not once did I think it to be offensive because I’m black myself, “my friends say it”, “I grew up where everybody says it”, “I’ve been hearing it all my life”. So as of now I refrain from saying it in general. What made me realize that I was doing this is watching a White Hispanic lady who says “Nigga” turn around and get into a conflict with Black People and say “Y’all just a bunch of Niggas” without realizing the connotation that came with that, hence why it’s was not preferred for her to say it in the first place. Me being Black wasn’t justification for my blatant stupidity. So now I’ve taken the initiative to equate Black Men to what they are which are Men, Guys, Dudes, and I feel good about that. Hopefully my negligence, the feelings from others, and origin history encourages you to not only reconsider but understand the fight on why it’s absurd to have it in your vocabulary anyways.

Apology Shmology

An Apology is

1. a) an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret. b) an expression of regret for not being able to do something.

2. a) something that is said or written to defend something that other people criticize. b) excuse.

I know and understand the significance of an apology ideally. It’s to right wrongs, acknowledge mistakes, and so on but essentially they rub me the wrong way.

I was never a fan of accepting an apology, I tried for the sake of the people who give them to me but it doesn’t feel sincere to accept such a, what I consider worthless, gesture. I assume I appreciate hearing someone say their faults in situations but after that I much rather them deal with that among themselves.

I’ll always feel like “you did it, own it, because if you really knew how it would effect me or make me feel you probably would’ve refrained from doing yet! You wanted to do it, so you did it. Own it.” I don’t look at that as grudge holding either I relate it to accountability.

It might also be the only way I can control something that has gotten out hand because in wise reconsideration the ball is back in my court and I can determine what’s next. In a sense it brings me satisfaction that you can’t enjoy yourself due to your guilt, brings me even more satisfaction knowing you’re aware you let me down.

I’ll link a read regarding how I do move forward, if I decide to, without accepting an apology essentially here.

S/N: Just because I decline you’re apology doesn’t imply I have any resentment towards you and also won’t still interact with you.