It’s all apart of the process.

Sadness.

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THE SAD CLOWNS CLUB

 

Sad – an adjective –

  1. Feeling or showing; unhappy.
  2. Causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable.

I’ve been paying attention to how it feels to be sad, which might not be so good because what if I’m just dwelling in sadness to figure out how to surpass it.. then again I might really just be sad so therefore it’s no surpassing it, yet.

The days I’m not sad I’m nothing.

The days I’m sad, I’m sad, just not as sad as usual.

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instagrams from left to right: @maya_breaux @witcholliegirll @dsouf.honey @tipwitdasauce @goldennai_

I’ve been riding out my feelings this year which has been, terribly overwhelming.. I know for a fact I suppress my emotions which is probably the real reason I don’t know how to deal with them entirely.

The sad days will soon dissipate I’m sure, it’s just getting through them instead of going around them that has been an extremely tedious process.

You know we try to put time caps on situations as such for instance. 2019 means something will improve and although something will, I don’t like the sound of waiting until 2019 to fix my mood essentially. Not only is that just a month and a half away if it’s that simple I should be able to wake up tomorrow new, which is why I said maybe it’s not too good of idea to dwell on the idea of being sad because I’m literally becoming what it is to be sad. I should also accept that if it takes me until mid fall 2019 to feel less emotionally pathetic because I finally decided to embrace my feelings and not question them always in a negative fashion 2019 was still a good year. Oppose to thinking something monumental should happen the second week of 2019… and if that’s the case I still have a month left in 2018 to make something positive within me “pop off”. Overall I’m just going through a phase of learning myself throughout disappointments, I’ll get over it soon realistically speaking and eventually the sad days won’t be as continuous.

I don’t know man. I don’t. I do but I just feel like it shouldn’t be as deep as it actually is…to me and not completely “accepting” the fact some stuff is actually that deep. In a sense after it gets way easier to adapt to the feeling of sadness even if you sincerely dislike it because you become familiar with it. You become so familiar with it that you aren’t fully comfortable with the good days, you no longer know how to feel good, or even when you finally feel good you get thrown off by reoccurring misfortune.

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\\ “Love letters to give you feels, anti-love letters to give you chills.” // Photo Credit IG: @Rein.glitter | Makeup Credit IG: @Sleepygirlbri

Back to the days I’m not sad:

The days I’m not sad, I’m kind of mildly angry.

The days I’m not sad.. I’m not happy either.

On the bright side! I still have my personality and I’m appreciative of that.

all of this is just all apart of a process.

 

B.I.A.S.E.D

Post 20

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Why do we deem certain types of “Crazy” more acceptable than others? When I say this I’m referring to the “Crazy” of a Man vs the “Crazy” of a Woman, for the most part, in this particular post.

Crazy is Crazy.

“Crazy” can be interpreted many different ways mainly regarding what’s unethical to another! but we forget it holds emotional value we also disregard.

Crazy can triple as an Adjective, Adverb, or Noun

  • Adjective Definition: 1. Mentally Deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. |Extremely annoyed or angry | foolish

2. Extremely Enthusiastic

  • Adverb Definition: 1. Extremely.
  • Noun Definition: 1. A mentally deranged person.

If you take the time to decipher crazy you notice we use it loosely to begin with. So what’s really “crazy” isn’t necessarily “crazy” it’s just blatant stupidity if not contradictory, to another, or goes against someone else’s moral standing as I said in the beginning.

As I get older I realize it’s different categories to “crazy” here’s a few:

  1. Relationship crazy: which deals with the emotional aspect of it all not saying one emotion is superior to the other but when women act out it’s justified as passion, when a man acts out in the same way it’s looked at as outlandish behavior. We disregard that legitimately it was still indeed emotional outrage on either sides of the field causing one to do what, react how, they did.
  2. The mentally ill who shouldn’t really be called crazy since it’s insensitive & most likely they don’t have the proper help, if were being specific.
  3. Serial killer crazy which are just both of the above.

Overall to keep it simplistic and just give you an idea of what I’m getting at:

I love how some women are aggressively rude/toxic towards men, intentionally, w/ the idea that, that can be used to determine their masculinity because they should be able to “handle” it, and if they don’t want to deal with unfavorable behaviors as such they are … less of a man. Then again I assume it’s because it’s some strange rhetoric out there that a “Strong” woman is a woman that deals with the same toxic/rude misbehavior from men out of the sake of “he’s a man”.

I’ve noticed that the world is becoming more specific and that’s fine but we can’t be specific without being precise, knit picking, observing, and being unbiased to figure out the butterfly effect of everything. So I guess this post is more based on our(WoMen) lack to respect emotion equally. I assume it’s because we don’t respect a mans vulnerability while also brushing off a women’s.

If you ended up annoyed that I kept comparing men & women because in your world they aren’t the same I proved my point of double standards because I said in the beginning “crazy is crazy” which was the point. The correct standing of “crazy” can’t be justified depending on the particular gender.

the cover is a still from “Its a thin line between love and hate, 1996

September Sorrows: An entry of Sadness

“In this piece of literature we are going to discuss how devastating life can be, starting in September.”

“From summer to fall then fall to winter: I never cared for the transition from summer to fall then fall to winter it has always sucked, the world slows down so drastically. Oppose to that I never really knew why though besides I wasn’t a fan of the holiday season yet, I love the spiritual environment floating through the air because of Halloween..and for that is the only reason I love October.

November: As time flies November has gotten easier because of the marvelous Camp Flog Gnaw Carnival. I think people really believe I’m some type of stan therefore I go every year due to fandom yet that’s not the case it’s the environment. That event is going to be a time I actually enjoy myself sincerely, authentically, and because of that I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Plus I meet a lot of new people that bring me some sort of joy even after the fact. (If you’re reading this, and we’ve met at cfg over the years LOVE Y’ALL) But unfortunately, I guess because it is what it is at this point, after that event Is over with I’m very low energy til late April, beginning of May .. and this cycle repeats.

The holiday atmosphere: A Drag, very irrelevant. My family. My family consists of “a Mother, a older sister, a younger sister, a dog and a snake, probably 5 cousins on my mothers and father side combined, together, and one Aunty” I actually can communicate with. After my grandmother passed the idea of “family” was no longer something to value if you ask me, it doesn’t exist among my family tree, the family feel is not there, and never will it ever be but that’s just my reality & I’m very accepting of it. The “problem” that has developed is the “holiday season” in theory! Being Constantly reminded of a family aspect is a bummer and I eventually detached from the idea of it, or experiencing it in addition to becoming real “numb” but it’s not numb it’s just suppressed feelings and no matter how much you disregard something I see it takes a toll on you.

I’ve become accustom to knowing I’ll be down and out during this time, every year and with that, plus the extra time to “self evaluate” I think I’ve came to the conclusion for why after years:

Let me start off by saying my way of grieving is probably considered denial. I say that because I comfort myself with the idea of “they’re just to busy to make time for us” when someone passes, in theory to shine a little light on the situation. So when my grandmother, my moms mother, passed away at that time me being so young you could feel the switch in auras. As a kid you can sense disturbance but staying in a child’s place and all…you just don’t know the severity of everything going on… for the most part. Also me being so young the day of the funeral I remember the confusion in the air yet and still the idea that I would never see my grandmother again just faded to the back of my mind. Just because it was sadness in the air I cried that day, to only not cry again until I turned like 18 which is probably a 14 year gap. I feel like I messed myself up with that if I could’ve faced, remembered, & paid attention to accept that particular death sooner than as late as I did I probably wouldn’t be feeling like this.

She passed away in October & with that unfortunate moment I figure my mom kept me distracted with Halloween which is why I do like the day! for whatever reason that particular Halloween was a good Halloween.

After Halloween: Tis never was the seasons… ever again. It was never a time to be thankful, it was never a time to be jolly, it was no reason to look forward to another year. All the happiness of “family” dissipated as soon as my grandmother left. As I got older my mother tried* to celebrate but I can admit I shut that down every year, I always looked at it as “it’s pointless, it’s only 3 of us. It’s no family affair” & after so many years of that you build up a solemn attitude towards it all because it’s no happiness so you don’t necessarily see the happiness or create any.

New year, new burdens; New burdens, no feelings; no feelings, just no feelings.

Self guilt:

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to do anything while also being aware it’s many things I “need” to do. To push through and continue to move forward takes a lot to the point it’s kind of draining well it’s really draining. I feel bad for not having the energy to keep up with the things I love, I feel bad for not wanting to interact with anyone, I feel bad for saying “nothing” when someone asks me “what’s wrong?” When really somethings wrong but it’s nothing I’d care to talk about because I know a person who doesn’t understand won’t care. You just want to rest yet it’ll probably never be enough rest hours in a day for you to rest adequately.

What about the other months? Nothing specifically to talk about my feelings just ride their course til it’s over which happens to be late April – beginning of May.

It might be deeper than all of this, it probably is. It’s a whole different kind hurt, agony, dread that comes with this time of year & for once I’m kinda disappointed in myself that I let it cast a shadow over me but I just took the time to think a little harder to find a reason I feel the way I do because as of now, this September 2018 I’m happy, I’m content. Or at least I think I am. I believe am & if I am then why am I so uncontrollably sad at the same time.

I Just thought I’d share for myself really because I knew it was a problem since while acknowledging this before I decided to write and publish for the public to read it made my cry, it makes me cry.

PLEASE DON’T REACH OUT TO ME AFTER YOU READ THIS IF YOU MADE IT DOWN HERE TO MAKE SURE I’M “OKAY”, I just rather you not.

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

No Title

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who couldn’t care less, I respect you.

Taryn
20
I don’t completely know why I love, let alone how I do. As I write I realize I love because I know how it feels to not have, experience, or feel love and knowing my love can be for someone to have, experience, or feel warms my heart it really does. I also know my love isn’t distributed evenly I LOVE the misunderstood, the bad, the unorthodox which is what the world seems not to appreciate. Love is love to me it should be unconditional and I mean that with no guilt. I can learn from what a person deems as ” bad”.. I want to know why it’s so bad it doesn’t “deserve” love of any sort and that teaches me how to give it in many different circumstances because I can understand. As I write some more I realize knowing what I love, my emotions, the appreciation for my love can all get taken away brings me comfort since I’m use to disappearance. “Love” I always liked the idea of “Love” in all aspects of life but never took the time to live it..watching “love” during my years of growth I noticed people aren’t sincere with it and that brings the shock value down, if you aren’t sincere with it leave it alone. Being aware I’m putting something so pure into the universe unconditionally for others at the sake of myself ,sometimes, leaves me satisfied. Which sums it all up as “I love because it can bring me pain I use as growth to become better; newer while knowing someone took what I willingly gave does something for me”. I love because truthfully love can be so Painful but having the power to know I also won’t become a victim of it if I do not see the purpose in doing so keeps me aware I’m in control of me.
It’s easy. To easy. It’s convenient, It captures authentic anger, It’s an easy way for me to express I feel disrespected. It can sometimes be a natural reaction, It’s easy… It’s … convenient.
I do not know
20:01 Culver City, California

I stress I was on the fence about being a fan of “XXXTENTACION” being a person that separates artist from art… their art is how they release themselves, I can’t really take that from someone, I couldn’t find myself to stop listening to his music. After I found out he was an Aquarius, born a day after me, I took the time to really go back and learn about the young man the best I could. Which gave me a lot of clarity on his actions, he was vocal about how his mind worked, and he had pride..therefore I found myself “understanding him instead of making judgement” and I don’t regret that.

When I first watched the video I watched it just to see this young man, then I watched it again to really watch it, then I watched it again because I couldn’t answer these question honestly in my own head..which is where I should be the most comfortable, then I watched it again to finish assuring I comprehended it , then I watched it again to make sure I saw what I seen and comprehended what I understood, and I did all this crying because I felt bad for myself and him. Jahseh, X, was able to capture the dark truth which is something I more than appreciate and it encouraged/encourages me to be honest. We all go through trials and people try to sugar coat their vices to avoid embarrassment and critique and sometimes that’s what we need. It took his mistakes to be publicized and him to be crucified for him to really understand that he might not have understood. Mass majority of the world didn’t acknowledge that, mass majority of the world does not look at anything as a butterfly effect as in; because of this it’s that; because of that there is this .. and that is like that because possibly! It’s more than one way to live, learn, and grow. His growth was cut short and it bothers me, honestly, I know I went thru different levels of growth, anger, isolation to be who I am right now & I’m not done. So to see his effort went unappreciated to some, many, which I can’t imagine how discouraging that could be because 1 single person can mess us up mentally and slow you down. Picture thousands if not millions of people reminding you that you can’t become better to assure the same mistakes stop reoccurring while trying to become the person they want you to be. All of this ties into me because I can relate to the theory of growing and becoming in touch with new perspectives and I had to learn that not everyone grows at the same time and if you arent willing to help someone who is willing to help themselves then you contribute to the problem.. XXXTENTACTION death showed me everyone has deep-rooted hate in them, well solidified the idea, and I’m here walking among these same people trying to assure myself it’s nothing wrong with me for being able to speak on MYSELF truthfully regarding the good, bad, and ugly while people are in denial about their own truths.

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who can couldn’t care less, I respect you I’m just displaying how I learn as I live. 

I’d love to know why you love and  why you hate. You can message me personally or comment

XOXO

LONG LIVE XXXTENTACION MAY HE REST IN PEACE

We know what’s wrong but can what’s wrong be also what’s right

We admire the idea of transparency, thinking that someone could be braver than we ever found the courage to be brings us a form of joy. What we don’t like is being uncomfortable or adjusting to the idea of someone else in order to get to understand them better.

Lets establish that we all come from different backgrounds and live differently when it comes to the details of life because of perspective we must understand it’s more than one way of thinking for reasoning. I figured POC specifically have this narrative of we all think as minorities. Not to disregard the importance of blossoming on a higher level mentally we just don’t accept every level of growth because in some world all minorities live from the same common law.

“I dissuade Party members from putting down people who do not understand. Even people who are unenlightened and seemingly bourgeois should be answered in a polite way. Things should be explained to them as fully as possible. I was turned off by a person who did not want to talk to me because I was not important enough. Maurice just wanted to preach to the converted, who already agreed with him. I try to be cordial, because that way you win people over. You cannot win them over by drawing the line of demarcation, saying you are on this side and I am on the other; that shows a lack of consciousness. After the Black Panther Party was formed, I nearly fell into this error. I could not understand why people were blind to what I saw so clearly. Then I realized that their understanding had to be developed.”

-Huey Newton

Do we actually appreciate honesty?

Everyone is pressured over Kanye West thoughts, he was being honest. Don’t we appreciate and value honesty? Often I hear “be straight up” unfortunately when that may be the case but it’s not your type of truth you’re not as accepting. Stop devoting all your feelings towards what people say and give thanks to the fact they said it. Does it not concern most of you that it’s people who save face for the acceptance of the world but think indeed those ill thoughts. That’s so fraudulent, I’d rather know someone’s true feelings and not feed me … lies, that way I know where I stand, how to move forward WITHOUT over acknowledging what I can’t seem to grasp or agree with. People dedicate so much time to making sure “we” feel stupid for not being politically correct when its legitimately deeper than that.

Rarely can, let alone does, someone explain why our comments, questions, and concerns are wrong backed up with more than the justification of “that’s just what it is”, “it’s morally correct”, I emphasize people forget the fact we are individuals and perceive the world differently. The thing that gets me the most is so many barriers have been broken and elevated on behalf of someone thinking differently AND wore their thoughts on their sleeves, just love us, the hate is not going to move you forward. Not to mention those with alternative thinking are often willing to listen to learn new ways of thinking to gain understanding.

P.S. No this isn’t defending stupidity. It’s a difference between stupidity and ignorance, go look the difference. It’s okay to be opinionated, of course, just don’t belittle someone else as justification. You back up your opinions with your theories, relations, and personal backgrounds, if you can’t relate don’t hate.

Connections.

Post 18

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

“My drawings represent how we fear things that are foreigner to us. I drew the full body without skin because it’s kinda like we have to peel ourselves back to see what’s there.” FTOT: @Solosherrell

We learn a little something something from everybody.

Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly it creates a learning experience that connects you and that person together for the rest of your lifetime.

or at least I like to think so…

Maybe it’s just my optimism that makes me think in such a way but I can’t say it doesn’t help me when it comes to becoming resentful in certain instances.

  • The Ugly: is usually unasked for truths. Overall you should always respect that the truth that was brought to you and especially told to you because that means they trusted you in some way. Just think of it as the lemons before we make lemonade. We either learn how to adapt or just take into consideration and move forward even though it’s not initially. what we thought independently.
  • The Good: is copacetic behavior easy going living you find captivating and incorporate into your own lifestyle.
  • The Bad: my personal favorite, is anything unfavorable to you. I say it’s my favorite because it usually is the real teacher you get a new concept of a person. You get to experience how the butterfly effect works; because of this, a persons does this, causing you to do that. It lets who you know how to respect different kinds of individuals in a sense without the hate.
“This one is symbolizing a damaged person that is happy” FTOT: @Solosherrell

Because of how the brain works regarding memory, when you grasp all this stuff and go to use it you trigger where you learned it from. So therefore if you picked up something from another person you will always refer back to them or the experience whether you’re fond of it or not. A great example is how we pick up speech patterns from another person. Like I stated previously you learn something in every instance it’s just up to you to consider them lessons and take what you can from it.

P.S Don’t take stuff so personal UNLESS! You’re for certain something was done with cruel intentions , somethings’ are just bad habits we develop overtime, we all have one.. maybe some.

The cover is from the movie “Extremely loud and incredibly close”

Why

“People don’t even try to understand the misunderstood they just assume the know” – a direct quote from the marvelous me

WHY! Why?! Why? Why, Why?

If you look at “why” long enough you start to think you’ve misspelled it, if you continue you to look at it you notice how many ways it could’ve been spelled.

It’s starting to seem like nobody cares about the “why’s” in life or people solely identify them as excuses. Also when you hear “why?” you connect being skeptical when really it’s clarification.

Appreciate the Why’s, they help expand your ability to understand.

Essentially If you ask me… people confuse the explanations that come after “why?” with excuses and that’s discrediting to a persons mind/life experiences. Making it hard for someone to express themselves, truthfully that is.

Here I’m going to explain the importance of why “why” is important:

  1. If anything happens to you not in your favor and you ask “why me?” you can’t say the reasoning is necessarily wrong, IT’S THE REASON WHY!!! Whether it makes sense or not to at the time you’ll always hold onto the knowledge by thinking about it therefore it turns into learning.
  2. When you question someone about the method to their madness and they take the time to explain why to you, it’ll only make sense if you give it a chance to be comprehended with no judgement. If you think about it we are very judgmental because its easier to pass judgement since it doesn’t call for using emotions such a compassion and taking time to think as in comprehend.
  3. “Why” is just clarification without that you find yourself just developing an aspect of “understanding” by assuming. People do not grasp how selfish that is, assuming just feeds into your own ego, feelings, and thoughts solely. That’s not good. “Assume” is a verb meaning “Suppose to be the case, without proof PROOF in this instance is assurance which would come from clarification if it was to be acknowledged.

“Why” happens to be an adverb meaning “for what reason or purpose.” With that being said I look at “why’s” as overlooked introductions when getting to know people especially, but also life lessons. It’s uncut details if you think about it and that makes me be more coherent when dealing with people and just making choices while living.

P.S. Sorry if I might have caused any misdirected hope.. none of this information is applicable to the liars and manipulators. Be truthful about your “why’s”

the cover is from the Disney movie “Holes” It’s about building character in the hot sun.