“Not subject to any conditions”

As I get older I realize I’m to genuine to be involved with people frivolously. I can’t half ass my sincerity so I rather not deal with anything as such regardless of the potential of what could be.

I hate conditional everything that has to do with a bond I share with anyone!

I just can’t accept it willingly. It makes me uncomfortable in a sense and as I get older I find myself finding comfort in people. Possibly due to my lack of family, so any time I invite someone in I try to assure them comfort. I enter every bond with the idea it’ll be long term, long term comes with the ability to understand, feel, and whatever else makes any kind of relationship strong to you but what is that if it’s under certain terms and conditions. Conditional is a lack of respect, trust, and belief.

I notice people love the sense of security I give them but don’t offer it back. Maybe they don’t know how to be unconditional.. maybe all their life they’ve only experienced a bond under conditions that didn’t offer them everlasting comfort and stability.

A part of me always wants to prove my unconditional everything by offering the ability to understand they might need to adjust to the lifestyle. While my wisdom recognizes that some people don’t even care to try.. probably due to a lack of belief and I’d hate to prove them right by removing myself from them completely. When you’re this unconditional we speak of you always end up offering your presence under any circumstances it’s just up to the recipient to accept and or acknowledge it.

I find myself wishing the world was more sincere, wishing people knew the importance of everything they do with emphasis on how they receive people, wishing we took a little more accountability for our actions without having to be reminded.

Short Sermon: Natural Expressions

It’s not to many benefits when it comes to suppressing your feelings you only burden yourself in regards of your emotions.

Allow yourself to be furious, allow yourself to be gloomy, allow yourself to be heartbroken, allow yourself to feel betrayed, allow yourself to feel disappointed, just allow yourself to feel.

Feelings aren’t a form of weakness, they are natural expressions.

Emotions push our growth, they help grace the process of a different learning.

When you suppress your feelings you don’t allow yourself to get over it, instead you fall under it. Somethings will always bother you of course it’s life but somethings don’t deserve as much time as others. When you void the process of understanding you become stuck on particular situations trying to understand them instead of just feel and progress.

Resulting in Regression.

Don’t neglect you’re happiness by spending to much time on what makes you grieve.

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.

It’s all apart of the process.

Sadness.

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THE SAD CLOWNS CLUB

 

Sad – an adjective –

  1. Feeling or showing; unhappy.
  2. Causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable.

I’ve been paying attention to how it feels to be sad, which might not be so good because what if I’m just dwelling in sadness to figure out how to surpass it.. then again I might really just be sad so therefore it’s no surpassing it, yet.

The days I’m not sad I’m nothing.

The days I’m sad, I’m sad, just not as sad as usual.

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instagrams from left to right: @maya_breaux @witcholliegirll @dsouf.honey @tipwitdasauce @goldennai_

I’ve been riding out my feelings this year which has been, terribly overwhelming.. I know for a fact I suppress my emotions which is probably the real reason I don’t know how to deal with them entirely.

The sad days will soon dissipate I’m sure, it’s just getting through them instead of going around them that has been an extremely tedious process.

You know we try to put time caps on situations as such for instance. 2019 means something will improve and although something will, I don’t like the sound of waiting until 2019 to fix my mood essentially. Not only is that just a month and a half away if it’s that simple I should be able to wake up tomorrow new, which is why I said maybe it’s not too good of idea to dwell on the idea of being sad because I’m literally becoming what it is to be sad. I should also accept that if it takes me until mid fall 2019 to feel less emotionally pathetic because I finally decided to embrace my feelings and not question them always in a negative fashion 2019 was still a good year. Oppose to thinking something monumental should happen the second week of 2019… and if that’s the case I still have a month left in 2018 to make something positive within me “pop off”. Overall I’m just going through a phase of learning myself throughout disappointments, I’ll get over it soon realistically speaking and eventually the sad days won’t be as continuous.

I don’t know man. I don’t. I do but I just feel like it shouldn’t be as deep as it actually is…to me and not completely “accepting” the fact some stuff is actually that deep. In a sense after it gets way easier to adapt to the feeling of sadness even if you sincerely dislike it because you become familiar with it. You become so familiar with it that you aren’t fully comfortable with the good days, you no longer know how to feel good, or even when you finally feel good you get thrown off by reoccurring misfortune.

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\\ “Love letters to give you feels, anti-love letters to give you chills.” // Photo Credit IG: @Rein.glitter | Makeup Credit IG: @Sleepygirlbri

Back to the days I’m not sad:

The days I’m not sad, I’m kind of mildly angry.

The days I’m not sad.. I’m not happy either.

On the bright side! I still have my personality and I’m appreciative of that.

all of this is just all apart of a process.

 

September Sorrows: An entry of Sadness

“In this piece of literature we are going to discuss how devastating life can be, starting in September.”

“From summer to fall then fall to winter: I never cared for the transition from summer to fall then fall to winter it has always sucked, the world slows down so drastically. Oppose to that I never really knew why though besides I wasn’t a fan of the holiday season yet, I love the spiritual environment floating through the air because of Halloween..and for that is the only reason I love October.

November: As time flies November has gotten easier because of the marvelous Camp Flog Gnaw Carnival. I think people really believe I’m some type of stan therefore I go every year due to fandom yet that’s not the case it’s the environment. That event is going to be a time I actually enjoy myself sincerely, authentically, and because of that I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Plus I meet a lot of new people that bring me some sort of joy even after the fact. (If you’re reading this, and we’ve met at cfg over the years LOVE Y’ALL) But unfortunately, I guess because it is what it is at this point, after that event Is over with I’m very low energy til late April, beginning of May .. and this cycle repeats.

The holiday atmosphere: A Drag, very irrelevant. My family. My family consists of “a Mother, a older sister, a younger sister, a dog and a snake, probably 5 cousins on my mothers and father side combined, together, and one Aunty” I actually can communicate with. After my grandmother passed the idea of “family” was no longer something to value if you ask me, it doesn’t exist among my family tree, the family feel is not there, and never will it ever be but that’s just my reality & I’m very accepting of it. The “problem” that has developed is the “holiday season” in theory! Being Constantly reminded of a family aspect is a bummer and I eventually detached from the idea of it, or experiencing it in addition to becoming real “numb” but it’s not numb it’s just suppressed feelings and no matter how much you disregard something I see it takes a toll on you.

I’ve become accustom to knowing I’ll be down and out during this time, every year and with that, plus the extra time to “self evaluate” I think I’ve came to the conclusion for why after years:

Let me start off by saying my way of grieving is probably considered denial. I say that because I comfort myself with the idea of “they’re just to busy to make time for us” when someone passes, in theory to shine a little light on the situation. So when my grandmother, my moms mother, passed away at that time me being so young you could feel the switch in auras. As a kid you can sense disturbance but staying in a child’s place and all…you just don’t know the severity of everything going on… for the most part. Also me being so young the day of the funeral I remember the confusion in the air yet and still the idea that I would never see my grandmother again just faded to the back of my mind. Just because it was sadness in the air I cried that day, to only not cry again until I turned like 18 which is probably a 14 year gap. I feel like I messed myself up with that if I could’ve faced, remembered, & paid attention to accept that particular death sooner than as late as I did I probably wouldn’t be feeling like this.

She passed away in October & with that unfortunate moment I figure my mom kept me distracted with Halloween which is why I do like the day! for whatever reason that particular Halloween was a good Halloween.

After Halloween: Tis never was the seasons… ever again. It was never a time to be thankful, it was never a time to be jolly, it was no reason to look forward to another year. All the happiness of “family” dissipated as soon as my grandmother left. As I got older my mother tried* to celebrate but I can admit I shut that down every year, I always looked at it as “it’s pointless, it’s only 3 of us. It’s no family affair” & after so many years of that you build up a solemn attitude towards it all because it’s no happiness so you don’t necessarily see the happiness or create any.

New year, new burdens; New burdens, no feelings; no feelings, just no feelings.

Self guilt:

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to do anything while also being aware it’s many things I “need” to do. To push through and continue to move forward takes a lot to the point it’s kind of draining well it’s really draining. I feel bad for not having the energy to keep up with the things I love, I feel bad for not wanting to interact with anyone, I feel bad for saying “nothing” when someone asks me “what’s wrong?” When really somethings wrong but it’s nothing I’d care to talk about because I know a person who doesn’t understand won’t care. You just want to rest yet it’ll probably never be enough rest hours in a day for you to rest adequately.

What about the other months? Nothing specifically to talk about my feelings just ride their course til it’s over which happens to be late April – beginning of May.

It might be deeper than all of this, it probably is. It’s a whole different kind hurt, agony, dread that comes with this time of year & for once I’m kinda disappointed in myself that I let it cast a shadow over me but I just took the time to think a little harder to find a reason I feel the way I do because as of now, this September 2018 I’m happy, I’m content. Or at least I think I am. I believe am & if I am then why am I so uncontrollably sad at the same time.

I Just thought I’d share for myself really because I knew it was a problem since while acknowledging this before I decided to write and publish for the public to read it made my cry, it makes me cry.

PLEASE DON’T REACH OUT TO ME AFTER YOU READ THIS IF YOU MADE IT DOWN HERE TO MAKE SURE I’M “OKAY”, I just rather you not.

No Title

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who couldn’t care less, I respect you.

Taryn
20
I don’t completely know why I love, let alone how I do. As I write I realize I love because I know how it feels to not have, experience, or feel love and knowing my love can be for someone to have, experience, or feel warms my heart it really does. I also know my love isn’t distributed evenly I LOVE the misunderstood, the bad, the unorthodox which is what the world seems not to appreciate. Love is love to me it should be unconditional and I mean that with no guilt. I can learn from what a person deems as ” bad”.. I want to know why it’s so bad it doesn’t “deserve” love of any sort and that teaches me how to give it in many different circumstances because I can understand. As I write some more I realize knowing what I love, my emotions, the appreciation for my love can all get taken away brings me comfort since I’m use to disappearance. “Love” I always liked the idea of “Love” in all aspects of life but never took the time to live it..watching “love” during my years of growth I noticed people aren’t sincere with it and that brings the shock value down, if you aren’t sincere with it leave it alone. Being aware I’m putting something so pure into the universe unconditionally for others at the sake of myself ,sometimes, leaves me satisfied. Which sums it all up as “I love because it can bring me pain I use as growth to become better; newer while knowing someone took what I willingly gave does something for me”. I love because truthfully love can be so Painful but having the power to know I also won’t become a victim of it if I do not see the purpose in doing so keeps me aware I’m in control of me.
It’s easy. To easy. It’s convenient, It captures authentic anger, It’s an easy way for me to express I feel disrespected. It can sometimes be a natural reaction, It’s easy… It’s … convenient.
I do not know
20:01 Culver City, California

I stress I was on the fence about being a fan of “XXXTENTACION” being a person that separates artist from art… their art is how they release themselves, I can’t really take that from someone, I couldn’t find myself to stop listening to his music. After I found out he was an Aquarius, born a day after me, I took the time to really go back and learn about the young man the best I could. Which gave me a lot of clarity on his actions, he was vocal about how his mind worked, and he had pride..therefore I found myself “understanding him instead of making judgement” and I don’t regret that.

When I first watched the video I watched it just to see this young man, then I watched it again to really watch it, then I watched it again because I couldn’t answer these question honestly in my own head..which is where I should be the most comfortable, then I watched it again to finish assuring I comprehended it , then I watched it again to make sure I saw what I seen and comprehended what I understood, and I did all this crying because I felt bad for myself and him. Jahseh, X, was able to capture the dark truth which is something I more than appreciate and it encouraged/encourages me to be honest. We all go through trials and people try to sugar coat their vices to avoid embarrassment and critique and sometimes that’s what we need. It took his mistakes to be publicized and him to be crucified for him to really understand that he might not have understood. Mass majority of the world didn’t acknowledge that, mass majority of the world does not look at anything as a butterfly effect as in; because of this it’s that; because of that there is this .. and that is like that because possibly! It’s more than one way to live, learn, and grow. His growth was cut short and it bothers me, honestly, I know I went thru different levels of growth, anger, isolation to be who I am right now & I’m not done. So to see his effort went unappreciated to some, many, which I can’t imagine how discouraging that could be because 1 single person can mess us up mentally and slow you down. Picture thousands if not millions of people reminding you that you can’t become better to assure the same mistakes stop reoccurring while trying to become the person they want you to be. All of this ties into me because I can relate to the theory of growing and becoming in touch with new perspectives and I had to learn that not everyone grows at the same time and if you arent willing to help someone who is willing to help themselves then you contribute to the problem.. XXXTENTACTION death showed me everyone has deep-rooted hate in them, well solidified the idea, and I’m here walking among these same people trying to assure myself it’s nothing wrong with me for being able to speak on MYSELF truthfully regarding the good, bad, and ugly while people are in denial about their own truths.

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who can couldn’t care less, I respect you I’m just displaying how I learn as I live. 

I’d love to know why you love and  why you hate. You can message me personally or comment

XOXO

LONG LIVE XXXTENTACION MAY HE REST IN PEACE

Why

“People don’t even try to understand the misunderstood they just assume the know” – a direct quote from the marvelous me

WHY! Why?! Why? Why, Why?

If you look at “why” long enough you start to think you’ve misspelled it, if you continue you to look at it you notice how many ways it could’ve been spelled.

It’s starting to seem like nobody cares about the “why’s” in life or people solely identify them as excuses. Also when you hear “why?” you connect being skeptical when really it’s clarification.

Appreciate the Why’s, they help expand your ability to understand.

Essentially If you ask me… people confuse the explanations that come after “why?” with excuses and that’s discrediting to a persons mind/life experiences. Making it hard for someone to express themselves, truthfully that is.

Here I’m going to explain the importance of why “why” is important:

  1. If anything happens to you not in your favor and you ask “why me?” you can’t say the reasoning is necessarily wrong, IT’S THE REASON WHY!!! Whether it makes sense or not to at the time you’ll always hold onto the knowledge by thinking about it therefore it turns into learning.
  2. When you question someone about the method to their madness and they take the time to explain why to you, it’ll only make sense if you give it a chance to be comprehended with no judgement. If you think about it we are very judgmental because its easier to pass judgement since it doesn’t call for using emotions such a compassion and taking time to think as in comprehend.
  3. “Why” is just clarification without that you find yourself just developing an aspect of “understanding” by assuming. People do not grasp how selfish that is, assuming just feeds into your own ego, feelings, and thoughts solely. That’s not good. “Assume” is a verb meaning “Suppose to be the case, without proof PROOF in this instance is assurance which would come from clarification if it was to be acknowledged.

“Why” happens to be an adverb meaning “for what reason or purpose.” With that being said I look at “why’s” as overlooked introductions when getting to know people especially, but also life lessons. It’s uncut details if you think about it and that makes me be more coherent when dealing with people and just making choices while living.

P.S. Sorry if I might have caused any misdirected hope.. none of this information is applicable to the liars and manipulators. Be truthful about your “why’s”

the cover is from the Disney movie “Holes” It’s about building character in the hot sun.

Learn to use your words 

Use your words, we stress to communicate yet barely communicate because we don’t want to make people feel momentarily uncomfortable.

What makes us afraid to simply “talk” ? Are we afraid that we’ll be looked at crazy? Or maybe the thoughts are selfish and that’s frowned upon.

If we were to communicate better we would gravitate towards people that are more understanding regarding wherever our minds are at. That would eliminate the burden of having someone nonchalantly disagree with you simply because they don’t understand where you’re coming from. People can easily assume your wrong because of a misunderstanding or assumptions and that’s why it’s easier to not communicate in general. It’s difficult to “speak your peace” because you’ll like the presence of someone to the point you don’t want them to go so you don’t elaborate on how you feel since you don’t want them to necessarily leave.  Respect the fact that words can be physiological wounds in some instances, momentarily, and if a person desires to leave accept it. 

Communication isn’t only necessary in the relationships but in day to day life, when you’re dealing with the world it’s important you keep a structured way of thinking. Remember everyone is free to be opinionated you should learn how to  discuss your thoughts in a non-aggressive way so it’s no hard feelings just mutual understandings.

The cover of this piece is from the movie “Fences” starring Denzel Washington and Viola Davis.