Regression = Progression

Regression! Sometimes you must backtrack to find depth in what went wrong, what feels incorrect, what the next step is. It’s okay to go back to what you know, don’t feel “guilty”. We know ourselves the best, we know the details of our life that shaped us to be who we’ve become, the feelings we push into oblivion, the wants, and everything else.

Periodically we progress so much we lose touch of what would be the next step in our life. That makes us feel uncomfortable, temporarily, due to confusion. What we once knew is now unfamiliar and while we’re stuck in the realm of ourselves we just don’t know.

We get to a point of finding ourselves going back to what started us, out of boredom or even in remembrance, to inspire us to move in the what would be “correct” direction.

In the game of monopoly (in theory) we go around the same board.. however many times just to essentially better ourselves. So if you feel like old versions of you can contribute to a better you, don’t question it.

By all this I mean everything is a butterfly effect as I say often. So in The trickling down of each situation, memory, or feelings you used as a lesson can be recycled to validate other lessons. It can spark the answers to the “why am I?” “Did I stop because…?”, “what am I doing this for?”, questions we feel like we shouldn’t have to actually think to answer. You can rely on feeling, feelings are important but can also be inadequate, especially when you feel nothing.

Much peace, joy, and prosperity xoxo

2018 “direct your thinking elsewhere”

[Edit: I wrote this while I was in the middle of having a breakdown and asked myself “what’s wrong?” I couldn’t actually get it out I just cried more. Which is why it’s written in the present and present WITH explanation because I won’t actually be editing it, just showcasing this “growth” I talk about.]

Twenty 18 was full of disappointment for me. I’ve probably never been so disappointed, maybe I have but it just didn’t sit with me for so long. On top of the disappointment of self from being disappointed, finally coming to grips with particular issues was something by itself. It was just a tremendously hard year for me as a person. It didn’t start marvelously, it has ended on a much better note as I’ve taken the time to learn new ways of “acceptance”. Although one thing I probably hated the most was not having control over my emotions like I’m used to.

I talk about “relearning the self” often and that’s not easy. All my focus went to the “why?” Aspect of everything trying to make sense of what the universe had going on from a one sided perception, myself.

I’ve cried a lot of tears, none that felt of any meaning just more of emphasis that I feel pretty bad for myself right now.

I actually wanna be left alone for a period of time to become back sure of who I am because at this time I just don’t know. A lot of stuff I’ve been doing which I once enjoyed is purely a distraction of agony. Again I say all this and it just blows me! I’m more than sure I can figure my feelings and self out I just need to find a suitable way to approach it that’s good for me. which I think is alone time under no “pressure” mixed with a lot of selfishness.

I’m learning as I’m living. I’m living while I’m learning. Flowing.

I thank music.

As of now

It was a lot of tears within that first half. Along with the intentions of moving forward in pure isolation.

I genuinely feel so much better and I know it’s a feeling that’s to stay. My acceptance happened to be release and acknowledgement to myself. No matter how many times I cried, got angry, cried, thought things through, read, or published a set of words. I didn’t feel any better before I realized I, I don’t know what I realized. Honestly. I just woke up feeling calm and at peace after I rearranged myself. I’ve elevated to a new realm of self that I’m excited to experience.

I feel as if the most effective advice was silly, I talk to an 87 year old man almost 5 days out of the week for like a hour. What made him start a conversation with me was the fact I was “pretty” to him yet my face gave off a feel of something being off balanced. Which is funny because for the whole year mainly strangers have been asking me “what’s wrong?” even homeless people who would pass by me. Anyways, Norton and I only converse about life from what we know or what we think we know, as well as what we see. One day he brought up that “writing” ruined his life. He said something along the lines of “when you’re constantly aware of the everything you try to constantly make sense of it and you can’t separate life from logic.” So he stopped writing when he realized it influenced him to isolated everything & everyone that didn’t make sense to him. I’m not going to stop writing, POINT IS, on another occasion he said something else such as “you look like you think a lot. Every time I see you you’re thinking, stop thinking.” Which was dumb because I found myself thinking about not thinking every day since that came out of his mouth. On top of if he’d see me he’d remind me to stop thinking and then just walk off. I think, no pun intended, two days before Christmas I woke up & said “well whatever, what happens from here on out is just gonna have to happen.” On some “later loser” type shit just speaking generally and I can’t say that wasn’t the cherry on top. I still think of course, more wisely that is…on top of I don’t think about the past because what’s done is done I can’t change it no matter how much sense I try to make out of it, I “focus” only on the future, not even the present really… I barely think about the future I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s beautiful feeling.

I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s a beautiful feeling.

The end.

DON’T DRINK & DRIVE YOU SELFISH SHIT FACE BASTARDS.

Also! Be safe and enjoy the new year with loved ones only. Good energy xoxo.

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

Embracing Yourself, Learning Yourself

I really do not have “advice” at this time just perspective

I’m doing what I do to the best I can.

I love myself, I’m not completely sure why yet, like I’m aware of my wonderful character.

Am I sure truly sure of myself?

Am I sincerely embracing myself If I’m still worried about how others, will, perceive me?

I wouldn’t say I second guess myself for validation from others but for their comfort. Whenever

I consider “what if they don’t like me?” often enough to reconsider how I express myself, how I go about my appearance, or even just reconsidering my choices for the comfort of others. I’ve noticed that no one ever notices or says thank you. “Thank you for restructuring yourself to make sure i’m comfortable even though you might not be.” Conflicted often because I don’t necessarily care about how a person perceives me, especially if they don’t ask clarifying questions straight from the source(me), but also realizing maybe I care to much about myself caring about if I care about how a person perceives me at all. Maybe the problem is people don’t see me how I see myself and that’s deeper than any appearance discrepancy. They don’t see what I have to offer to the world as an individual & the fact how I choose to present myself for myself can detour what others think of me might actually be what bothers me. Single handed appearance and character are intertwined invalidly because you look like “this” you must feel as “that” and that’s usually never the case. It bothers me that a person might not give me a chance regarding anything because I might not meet their idea of attractiveness or express myself through my appearance correctly to them. It’s hard finding balance for something you don’t even feel the need to balance. It’s even harder having to always prove yourself that you are what you know you are but people just refuse to see it.

My overall conclusion is I just have to steady remind myself that not everybody is going to like all aspects of me and that’s fine. Those who don’t but still desire to see the good in me I’ll always appreciate. Those who love me unconditionally forever I love back but regardless of any feelings towards me I must stay true to me.

Now I’m living.

Risk

Post 16

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Something that truly irritates me is the fact you have to choose self respect verses you’re success these days, you can’t just live your life accordingly without risking your livelihood. We as people have independent morals, beliefs, and senses that we stand by but we must tone it down in order to make sure we don’t ruin ourselves because people don’t know how to allow more than one perception of an individual to flourish.

No, This doesn’t include the derogatory mess some of you refer to as ‘opinions’ regarding race, sexuality, & sexism among other things that don’t even effect you personally but consider to speak out the ass about so, don’t quote me in reference to such confusion considered a ‘moral’, ‘belief’, or ‘sense’.

I’ve always had that “you’re weird.” ‘Problem’ to be frank I still do and it’s so hard to disregard honestly. Only because it’s portrayed that being this extraordinary individual isn’t comforting to others so it isn’t likable since it lacks the norm, From my perspective I don’t get why your incomparable flow couldn’t awaken the minds of others that in fact you can be.. Different!  Just like being told “you’re pretty” or any compliment you hold onto it, the same rules apply to the negativity especially when you’re building yourself up to help you evolve and although being “weird” isn’t something necessarily negative it’s also not something to be fond about. It makes you second guess yourself and it makes you live within a box that doesn’t let satisfy your urge to free yourself.

What I wonder is why people pressure others to continue to not be ‘unhappy’ by not respecting them express themselves while they know how it feels to stay secret.

I don’t think people realize It’s a lack of respect for Originality these days. It’s okay to put out whatever as long as the people like you.  “Be something others can relate to.” As if that’s impossible to do just because something is abnormal a mass amount of people aren’t accepting of what’s ‘irregular’. To me if you, being you is relatable to one let alone a few then it will encourage many to take pride in any and everything regarding them.

Looking back, personally, I’ve sold myself short many times when it comes to self expression for the sake of people to like me. People who didn’t even pay attention to the fact I was like them after I purposely dedicated time to their acceptance.  As a kid, teenager, young creative you are not aware that a person should like you because you are you and not who you should be. That’s as far as it should go though, once we reach a fine moment in adulthood we must start embracing and living for ourselves.

Confinement“, a word developed from the root word “confine” which is a noun that means “the borders or boundaries of a place, especially regard to their restricting freedom of movement”

The featured photo is from the Bad Boy Record label Photo shoot showcasing the release of Craig Mack & Notorious B.I.G new music incorporating the infamous McDonald’s Big Mac.

Crazy Like That Glue – Craig Mack Documentary

Surprise Song, Enjoy it

Time is a terrible thing to waste.

post 15

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of, respect me for it! At least I’ll burn with integrity.

We have this weird obsession with blaming time on why we’re miserable even if its temporary.  “Time” what is time? Have you seen “In Time” starring Justin Timberlake? Great movie if you haven’t.

  • TIME is a noun meaning 1. The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.2.A point of time as measured in hours and minutes past midnight or noon.

People trap themselves in all aspects of life when they think time has a lot to do with things that have no actual deadline.

Everyone likes to blame the reason they are in a you could say non beneficial relationship on “time”. An Excuse to remain in distress is ” I’ve invested to much time.” even though I understand I don’t think people understand as much time as they’ve invested they have wasted. The point emphasized is that they don’t have time to waste yet remain in a stagnant relationship with no growth, which sounds like a waste of time to me.

Career wise we believe we’re running out of time only because we see it never stops so we must have it all together in a timely fashion instead of focusing on getting it done in general.

We don’t enjoy life to the fullest due to “time” we feel as if we must grow up at a certain speed instead of enjoying time as it progresses, we rush it. Isn’t it ironic we rush to grow up just to grow into feeling like were running out of time even when moving forward in a timely matter.

The only time we admire the beauty within time is when we’re getting off of work, waiting for that class to be over and living legends. People who stand for something wish to live on forever meaning the have outlived time because their words, paintings, music, or fashions continue to stay relevant after we’ve turned to dust.

Sam Is Dead w/ Visual – Odd Future

This cover was from the movie ” House Party 2″

Accept Accepting Acceptance

Hello! Good morning, afternoon, or evening.

As we prosper we learn to accept the fact that people can & will stress you out while adjusting to the thought that it’s nothing we can do about it. Some people will not see anything wrong with what they do until you choose not to deal with it and even still the problem will be with you and not themselves.

To start accepting the fact that some of the people you absolutely love can be horrendous to your lifestyle can be stressful especially when you have such an over abundance of appreciation for them. Just remember you can’t want to be in someone else’s life more than they want you in theirs themselves.

Acceptance is the finale when it comes to easy living. It’s a thing called good stress & bad stress! Bad stress is stress that doesn’t teach you a lesson to contribute to you not stressing again, while good stress helps you evolve correctly making you stronger in the process.

The cover is a photograph captured by John H. White in 1973 during the Bud Billiken Parade, Chicago.

You don’t love me like you use to 

Post 11

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity.

Accept the fact people are only going to generally like the idea of you let alone y’all together, once you’re realistic with that it’ll contribute to making life a little easier to live. 

The “bright” side to that is just know you’re indented in their mind forever. The potential love interest just goes around looking for you in someone else & when they think they found it best believe it’s not authentic so the outcome is disastrous. Even though it might hurt you to watch from a distance because your actually at peace enough to wish the other person the best of luck you can’t intervene. Yes it might hurt you to watch someone you once adore burn in flames but it is what it is. 

It took me years to understand “you love the idea of me”, the “idea” why would you like the idea of me and not the actual me being with you, you can have me but you rather dream of what we could’ve been, stupidity such as that I’ve accepted as “dodging a bullet” because in their head it’s okay and they don’t see how it doesn’t make any sense because they’re to busy being superficial. 

I respect it everybody lives differently, I’ll go ahead and give someone the benefit of doubt and say they’re looking out for me by not being greedy with my presence and leaving me emotionally distraught. Think of it as “Ideas turn into dreams until you move forward into making them reality” & without the actual you in the persons life that’ll never happen so they have no choice but to settle for a lesser value of a person. 

It’s never bad on your behalf because by the time you realize all of this your patiently waiting or them to get it together, I suppose most carry on with their life, because you see the potential together as a unit. The love was unconditional and sincere so it’ll always be something there whether it’s through a simple friendship or admiration from a distance. 

Live easy, the end.