This is written in present tense, because I didn’t take the time to edit it. I wrote this January 31 and just held onto it, published “I might be!…the problem” instead for the month of February.
I know I’m loved and I know if I felt like voicing that I feel like nobody cared about me; my loved ones would be concerned, apologetic, or like “bye” so I keep it to myself — even though it’s how I feel because psychologically I just know it’s not ME feeling such a way. But I do.
I be depressed, sometimes.
the point here is an example of mind vs emotion & how it effects me, sometimes. I don’t know what people think when they think about depression but…
The month of January has been good to me but also empty. I started the month sad. I even snapped on a few people who wouldn’t just let me accompany my misery in solitude(selective isolation).
I like to isolate myself at times like this because it’s just easier than explaining some shit that doesn’t make sense[like this blog post]. So I don’t come across as selfish to those who enjoy my presence while also not wanting to “worry” because times like these go just as much as they come.
Anyways, stuff started lightening up for me and I’ve been eating! Which is big for someone who eats a meal like every 36 hours if not 1x a day. So to see myself “fill out” helped encourage me to continue to eat which made me happy, I thought.
And I must mention I’m writing this very disappointed in the unpredictable sadness getting ready to sink in.
I’m starting to slow down, I’m getting angry, and I’m eating less…
NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME:
To be easily irritated, loved, and also aware you can’t control how you feel about certain things. For example, I genuinely feel like nobody cares about me (at this time) regardless of any effort to counter my feelings & it’s very unfortunate. [The battle of self awareness to where I know not to take it personally annoys me.]
It’s makes me upset that I feel like “nobody cares about me” while also knowing any interaction with others has the potential to drive me mad. Why am I like this? I have no answer, it’s no answer. Or to even depend on isolation because I don’t care to say “hey! I need some extra love, kindness, or what-fucking-ever” because WHY?????? WHY DO I???
To know people want to love me yet the idea overwhelms me which makes me avoid the interaction truly bothers me because it can solve how I’m feeling.
To know the nothing that is wrong with me is something propels me downward even more, I just woke up and gradually started feeling like this.
In my mind “nobody cares about me” which feeds into an underlying sadness that’s always on standby. That results in me thinking more than I feel > forgetting to eat > not having the stamina for basic self care > having so much on my mind to the point I can’t focus, listen, or even enjoy.
Then it leaves and I’m okay again 🙂
I hate the passive aggression.
I hate feeling pressured to commit to daily life task while feeling down and out because my sadness doesn’t outshine the show that’s must go on.
I hate training or having to remind myself to calm down because I don’t feel … yet want to and since I can’t, I decide to feel fury?
I hate trying my best to not feel defeated by myself. It’s just so much anger and irritation beyond my control.
As you can see here I was so so so angry, which is 1) normal for me when the switch flips but was driven by feeling uncared about. Which was unsolicited and probably my fault because some source of sadness that translates as irritation… & doesn’t allow me to be receptive of interaction unless I FEEL LIKE IT. Which is incredibly one sided. Crazy.
That’s it, it was no way to conclude the post because just as sporadic as this ended, everything that contributed to this post stops. It’s nothing to break down because it’s just not.
Disclaimer: I ask not to be checked on if you ever make it here[for future reference]. It’s not that serious because deep down I know my feelings are adjacent to “I’m tripping” but I just thought I’d share what depression can be for me at particular times + it’s effectiveness.
LOVE YALL THO! THANK YOU ❤
xoxo wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity always, all ways
I suppose knowing my feelings will go away eventually helps.