“In this piece of literature we are going to discuss how devastating life can be, starting in September.”
“From summer to fall then fall to winter: I never cared for the transition from summer to fall then fall to winter it has always sucked, the world slows down so drastically. Oppose to that I never really knew why though besides I wasn’t a fan of the holiday season yet, I love the spiritual environment floating through the air because of Halloween..and for that is the only reason I love October.
November: As time flies November has gotten easier because of the marvelous Camp Flog Gnaw Carnival. I think people really believe I’m some type of stan therefore I go every year due to fandom yet that’s not the case it’s the environment. That event is going to be a time I actually enjoy myself sincerely, authentically, and because of that I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Plus I meet a lot of new people that bring me some sort of joy even after the fact. (If you’re reading this, and we’ve met at cfg over the years LOVE Y’ALL) But unfortunately, I guess because it is what it is at this point, after that event Is over with I’m very low energy til late April, beginning of May .. and this cycle repeats.
The holiday atmosphere: A Drag, very irrelevant. My family. My family consists of “a Mother, a older sister, a younger sister, a dog and a snake, probably 5 cousins on my mothers and father side combined, together, and one Aunty” I actually can communicate with. After my grandmother passed the idea of “family” was no longer something to value if you ask me, it doesn’t exist among my family tree, the family feel is not there, and never will it ever be but that’s just my reality & I’m very accepting of it. The “problem” that has developed is the “holiday season” in theory! Being Constantly reminded of a family aspect is a bummer and I eventually detached from the idea of it, or experiencing it in addition to becoming real “numb” but it’s not numb it’s just suppressed feelings and no matter how much you disregard something I see it takes a toll on you.
I’ve become accustom to knowing I’ll be down and out during this time, every year and with that, plus the extra time to “self evaluate” I think I’ve came to the conclusion for why after years:
Let me start off by saying my way of grieving is probably considered denial. I say that because I comfort myself with the idea of “they’re just to busy to make time for us” when someone passes, in theory to shine a little light on the situation. So when my grandmother, my moms mother, passed away at that time me being so young you could feel the switch in auras. As a kid you can sense disturbance but staying in a child’s place and all…you just don’t know the severity of everything going on… for the most part. Also me being so young the day of the funeral I remember the confusion in the air yet and still the idea that I would never see my grandmother again just faded to the back of my mind. Just because it was sadness in the air I cried that day, to only not cry again until I turned like 18 which is probably a 14 year gap. I feel like I messed myself up with that if I could’ve faced, remembered, & paid attention to accept that particular death sooner than as late as I did I probably wouldn’t be feeling like this.
She passed away in October & with that unfortunate moment I figure my mom kept me distracted with Halloween which is why I do like the day! for whatever reason that particular Halloween was a good Halloween.
After Halloween: Tis never was the seasons… ever again. It was never a time to be thankful, it was never a time to be jolly, it was no reason to look forward to another year. All the happiness of “family” dissipated as soon as my grandmother left. As I got older my mother tried* to celebrate but I can admit I shut that down every year, I always looked at it as “it’s pointless, it’s only 3 of us. It’s no family affair” & after so many years of that you build up a solemn attitude towards it all because it’s no happiness so you don’t necessarily see the happiness or create any.
New year, new burdens; New burdens, no feelings; no feelings, just no feelings.
Self guilt:
I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to do anything while also being aware it’s many things I “need” to do. To push through and continue to move forward takes a lot to the point it’s kind of draining well it’s really draining. I feel bad for not having the energy to keep up with the things I love, I feel bad for not wanting to interact with anyone, I feel bad for saying “nothing” when someone asks me “what’s wrong?” When really somethings wrong but it’s nothing I’d care to talk about because I know a person who doesn’t understand won’t care. You just want to rest yet it’ll probably never be enough rest hours in a day for you to rest adequately.
What about the other months? Nothing specifically to talk about my feelings just ride their course til it’s over which happens to be late April – beginning of May.
It might be deeper than all of this, it probably is. It’s a whole different kind hurt, agony, dread that comes with this time of year & for once I’m kinda disappointed in myself that I let it cast a shadow over me but I just took the time to think a little harder to find a reason I feel the way I do because as of now, this September 2018 I’m happy, I’m content. Or at least I think I am. I believe am & if I am then why am I so uncontrollably sad at the same time.
I Just thought I’d share for myself really because I knew it was a problem since while acknowledging this before I decided to write and publish for the public to read it made my cry, it makes me cry.
PLEASE DON’T REACH OUT TO ME AFTER YOU READ THIS IF YOU MADE IT DOWN HERE TO MAKE SURE I’M “OKAY”, I just rather you not.
LEARN AS YOU LIVE 