FUCK COVID BITCH

THIS SHIT SUCKS!

I like being in my home but not confined to it. I have never felt so estrange emotionally and mentally on and off in such a short period of time in a very controllable way.

I’m growing anxious and eager to be back putting out into the real world. As for me doing creative things it’s different seeing people adapt to being in the house and becoming innovative. So In a way I feel/felt kind of bad for myself for not having the drive to do so as well but the thing about what I do is whether it be as simple as a few words.. I put out based on experience(I’m not experiencing anything in the house) + feeling. Luckily this social isolation shit allowed me to capture how it’s making me feel in a way that’s true to what I do regularly resulting in this sporadic read.

To say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is very accurate. I feel so stuck and the difference between this and a creative block is the fact actions from everyday life isn’t helping guide me since… everyday life has essentially stopped. At least when I’m at a pause I can continue to work towards (everything I put out is an expression of how I interpret life so I’m always bound to figure something out in order to flow again). In this case I can’t do anything but sit on ideas, visions, and hope to eventually see things I imagined because I’m not settling with what I can do when I’m fully aware it’s more to be done in order to execute properly. The feeling of intentionally not doing what you would like to, to assure you’re becoming better because you’re well and able while knowing you can’t be your best is doing something to me.

To think and truly comprehend the idea that I’m “nervous” from sitting in the house sounds wicked but I suppose it’s part of some overzealous process of making a “debut”, again, because I have been revitalizing my ability to put out new pieces and expand.

I was so happy to be finally expanding myself in different sectors of being creative and then life just froze. I HATE IT. In addition to being ardent in regards of when you get back to what you do best, it’s a possibility you lost it since realistically stuff won’t be the same. Although change and growth is good when it’s unprovoked/forced I’m realizing it is so WEAK to the point it’s unappreciated.

All Photos Were Taken By Seamscomplicated

Thought: I Get Over It Only To Get Back Under It.

You get to a point where you’re just over it.

You get to a point where you’re just over it, you think.
It’s a very enjoyable yet temporary I’d call feeling, but it’s more so a realization that’s very reoccurring.

The carelessness has the ability to be so peace filled. I assume being careless resulting in you caring less is the only control you have over yourself when emotionally and mentally everything has become so numb you’re stuck. To not necessarily care about anything and to just feel without thinking, to do without explanation, and just follow is the only time everything is alright because you don’t have the energy to question the hopes of making sense of the senseless.

Then something clicks and you realize stuff beyond your control sucks! Without explanation it was some underlying trigger that now has you bothered, offended to say the least. You can’t fathom the thought of certain aspects of life. Yet you try so not your back where you started not over it, in act under it more likely than not.

In all I feel like this happens to be courtesy of you perceiving situations however you perceived them without being able to acknowledge how you feel (felt). So you hold onto it hoping for the day you get the chance to explain or even bring pain to whatever disturbed you and the only way to do that is to not forget. [Sounds like an uncanny defense mechanism that only contributes stress to one party but, “go off”.] So we aren’t giving ourselves the opportunity to move past… when in hindsight we need to work it out independently because no one cares except us.