Just Finished My 21st Lap Around the Sun

Intro: I’m making it a annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

As I’ve been on my journey to 22 I’ve realized I’ve spoiled myself with independence which is simply my ability to be unavailable on my own terms.

I’ve grown use to people not being in my life long term so I’ve just stopped assuring comfort to keep people by my side. Due to the rationality if I did, they’d still leave anyways and that’s “fine”.

It has gotten to the point where I’ve isolated myself into a phase where I’m more often than not unimpressed, unamused, and uninterested. Resulting in me being impressed, amused, and interested only in myself on a personal level. I’ve become an “I don’t feel like it” kind of person when it comes to my dealing with people (which is fine to a certain extent but I’m aware I abuse the ability to) and it has become an extremity. If I don’t feel like it I just won’t do which is selfish but here’s how I justify it; I don’t offer myself to others to “deal” with because I’m for certain I wouldn’t even “deal” with myself under these circumstances if given the option.

All of this contributes to me becoming one with my lonesomeness. I find a certain security in isolation. Another factor that I feel plays a role in this development is not dating or being in relationships and that’s when you start developing the importance of people along with building the idea of what attachment is and can be. Therefore I have no true understanding of what attachment is and I find it to be interchangeable with being … dependent (from what I’ve seen), which isn’t good.

Essentially the point is I’m very selfish because I never had to be considerate (I don’t get the chance to) and as a young observant adult I have no reason to “endure” the actions or feelings of others, like I see people do all the time, because I know how it feels to be by myself and I’m quite used to it.

2019 was the year I stopped disregarding my introverted sacred self and respected my ability to not be so socially active yet still big on presence. I also realized my expectations for people and things are not high so I’m rarely ever disappointed in anything or anybody that isn’t myself, causing me to walk through life very neutral because of acceptance, since I have the ability to control what I accept in the first place.

I explained all of that loosely so what I have to say next is a little more understandable in a realm [un]related to.

I’ve realized my ability to be a people person is slowly deteriorating. Sometimes hearing or having to listen to people irritates me.
Sometimes being around too many people drives me mad.
Sometimes I just don’t want to talk [in addition to me not wanting to listen and then process a thought to respond generally].
It’s so much I don’t care to do if it’s not on my terms and I’ve realized how bad that is that I’m comfortable, I’m in control.
Unsolicited or unwanted interaction in physical form has the tendency to just infuriate me and it’s really not that serious nor do I think it’s “healthy”.

But I’m also grown so on my journey to 23 and I figured I’d extend myself so I’m not so hard to co-exist with due to trapping myself in such an isolated place.

A part of me just is sure I’ll never be understood so I rarely put in to be more understanding, these days.

I’m in the middle of catching up with myself and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t learn as I lived to take accountability for my actions though. I’ve been processing a lot of feelings over the last two years which probably built this ultimately what I’ll consider a hiding place. A hiding place I’ve created and now I feel like I’ve took the time to understand myself enough to understand realistically… “I need to fix this” I’m ready to be experienced again.

I had to learn how to respect my feelings by allowing them to— I had to understand that when I allow my feelings I don’t take away from my character or that the feelings I had in the beginning are suddenly invalid. I had to understand that when circumstances change I’m allowed to change how I feel too! I unintentionally kept myself stagnant by thinking more than I felt and I was feeling a lot so it made me think I’d handle everything better by not dealing with at all.

Suggestive advice: A change isn’t always good or bad, it’s just a change in what you’re used to. The tricky part is understanding that and reacting to it in either a good or bad way which sets the tone on what comes about next and that’s usually the healing process because everything gets analyzed during that process whether it be of any importance.

I was busy trying to respect the feelings of the past (which didn’t apply anymore) to assure a present/future I was going to live regardless.

Suggestive Advice Cont. All in all my message is to allow yourself.
Allow yourself whatever you need in order to be better but first take accountability that you’re not okay and or where you’d like to be.
Approve the shift in character in order to allow yourself to fix yourself. Allow yourself the anger you might feel like you’re better than.
Allow yourself the sadness you might be tired of fighting.
Allow yourself the disappointment you weren’t looking forward to.
Allow yourself the stupidity you thought you were smarter than.

I didn’t allow myself, which allowed me to just become closed off.

Wishing everyone much peace, joy, and prosperity always, all ways.

Here’s a link to Last Year’s

I Don’t know how I feel about White People.

White People
I don’t know how I feel about white people.
“They coo” and I mean that in the most black way, well some of them.
I have white acquaintances for sure, I don’t go out of my way to wreak havoc on them, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m very neutral when it comes to “white people”.

I spent an hour trying to figure out what white person contributes to my peace in a sense and I’m starting to realize they don’t. Due to the fact we’re on two different spectrum’s of life because of race in general. I don’t expect them to do anything but have respect and respect the idea that they’ll more often than never sincerely understand.

I also wonder how white people feel being white.
I wonder if the white people with leveled comprehension skills are aware how much of burden white people can be to black people.
I wonder how the white people who keep it copacetic really feel about black people without disregard they’re probably still a little prejudice, I wonder do they accept that about themselves.
I wonder how it feels for white people to hear how unfavorable they are to mass majority of an entire race, even if they haven’t done anything wrong to them, because I know how it feels… I know how it feels to be effected by mere feelings but see, no matter how black people feel the chances are white people won’t even be effected by it.

I’ve always wondered are white people aware they have the tendency to embody the exact negative narrative they created about black people, I’m not scared of them but they scare me (that made sense if you’re black).
I don’t think white people live on high hopes in regards of their whole race… but then again maybe they do. It might be some white people who have sense and wish they’re race as a collective did better to—, but a part of me invalidates everything about a white person in a very respectful way.

I question everything about them and to say I’d be offended if they did the same to me is very true but they do.. so I understand.
I understand the difference between the two of us.
On my side of the fence we have our back against the wall because it’s safe there. While also having to acknowledge the fact that people who live in a different universe like to hop over the fence unwarranted to prove they deserve to be there. Mind you while of all this is happening in the back of our mind we’re reminded we’re not welcomed anywhere.

I wonder how this will read or how it will even be interpreted to a white person because I know they just won’t understand.
They don’t understand I’m very aware of my life because, because of them we don’t have the luxury to be kids, we have to take accountability that white people don’t have to take accountability for themselves. It’s so much I wonder and to think I’d be able to comprehend their justification unlike them who love to invalidate blackness and explanation. I just pay attention.
I just pay attention because it’s not safe to be black.

Thought: I Get Over It Only To Get Back Under It.

You get to a point where you’re just over it.

You get to a point where you’re just over it, you think.
It’s a very enjoyable yet temporary I’d call feeling, but it’s more so a realization that’s very reoccurring.

The carelessness has the ability to be so peace filled. I assume being careless resulting in you caring less is the only control you have over yourself when emotionally and mentally everything has become so numb you’re stuck. To not necessarily care about anything and to just feel without thinking, to do without explanation, and just follow is the only time everything is alright because you don’t have the energy to question the hopes of making sense of the senseless.

Then something clicks and you realize stuff beyond your control sucks! Without explanation it was some underlying trigger that now has you bothered, offended to say the least. You can’t fathom the thought of certain aspects of life. Yet you try so not your back where you started not over it, in act under it more likely than not.

In all I feel like this happens to be courtesy of you perceiving situations however you perceived them without being able to acknowledge how you feel (felt). So you hold onto it hoping for the day you get the chance to explain or even bring pain to whatever disturbed you and the only way to do that is to not forget. [Sounds like an uncanny defense mechanism that only contributes stress to one party but, “go off”.] So we aren’t giving ourselves the opportunity to move past… when in hindsight we need to work it out independently because no one cares except us.

I’m Bored.

I’m unamused, unimpressed, and uninterested with my space.
I can only influence and or inspire myself so much.

I want to elevate so badly in so many instances/aspects but I’m aware I am lacking something that’s causing me not to know how. So in the meantime I’ve just been floating and not focused while trying to gather inspiration from, unfortunately that has been resulting in my silence because I have nothing to say since I can’t even comprehend the feelings of much of nothing along with what life means at this time for me. The irritation gathered from all of this is draining also but fortunately even if it’s empty ideas I figure I keep spit balling them in the hopes everything will start flowing, again, although I don’t know what happens to be.

I’ve outgrown (or I’m more so in the process of outgrowing) myself and I appreciate that but I’ve realized I don’t know how to be in control of what I want and the funny thing about that is as I write this I’ve come to the conclusion that’s probably the point. To let life. I can’t explain the emptiness I’m feeling it’s in no regards of creativity either I know it’s a transition though, to transcend whatever that means it sounds like it goes with what I’m saying though. I suppose I’m supposed to be learning something right now yet I’m so focused on what I’m not doing/feeling I can’t enjoy the process I’m being put through having time to “learn”, realize, rationalize, and or discover to help me create as I do nothing because I’m ANXIOUS … to execute.

I assume I shouldn’t shut myself down but since I write on what I know & feel if I’ve given all the knowledge I have gained in this lifetime of mine at this time… I have nothing to enlighten you with, If I feel no ways so it’s nothing to talk about resulting in nothing at all and I’m better than that. So you see how I grow irritated with the process. I feel free and pointless at the same time and I’m so okay with it the flow of, “nothing”, I’m comfortably uncomfortable with the fact I’m not learning when in fact I’m just simply living.

I can’t believe I don’t know what I’m doing right now
captured by idris_is_nooice

As I reread this I also figure this process is scary to me since I’ve come to the current end of and I’m on my way to my next journey of what just might be content expansion but I’m so focused on my purpose not being fulfilled without my satisfaction when really I need not forget It’s still more to come.

Short Sermon: Allow yourself to be Embarrassed

Value the feeling of embarrassment.

Once you get over it the first time you’ll either realize it wasn’t that bad or you’ll put in the effort to not feel that way again.

Every time I publish a set of words I hate them and I start to hate the publishing completely. Rarely do I ever feel like “Wow this is good!” and even when I do by the time I’m finish.. I hate it. I feel like it loses it’s value. I feel like it’s whack! I could’ve done better, I’m lacking what others possess so easily, yet I still put it out.

Why do I still put it out content I don’t feel sure about? Because first off I know sometimes it’s just me excepting myself to be so great off the rip. Realistically how am I suppose to get better without the advances to learn.

It’s many elements I know I lack because I keep going, if I didn’t have proof my words from late 2016 are far more poorly put together I wouldn’t be proud of how far the structure of my words have come as time has progressed.

I knew what I didn’t have, I knew what had the potential to discourage me, I knew what everyone else had, I knew when I started I’d be a mess, but I also knew for sure I’d be good at what I wanted to do, I knew what I had to say held weight! SO I encourage everyone to “make it happen” regardless of circumstances and build, try.

After my 2016 go at things 2017 had me feeling like “okay, I’m good at this” according to the elements of my 2018 set of publishing’s the literacy of 2017 probably truly sucked but I would’ve never had the opportunity to value the structure of what I’ve been putting out 2019. I’ve learned so much forcing myself to step in front of “embarrassment”, even though I feel admirable of my ability to execute my craft and or put things together YEARS! Later. I have had the opportunity to notice everything else I need to work on to elevate me even higher.

Essentially the point is to not weaken yourself or contribute to your stagnation because you don’t want to be embarrassed, eventually it’ll become a moment you can laugh at to only smile at your strength.

I’m referring to this as “embarrassment” but as I finalize this I’m realizing that It’s the feeling of being mediocre that is what’s embarrassing and that’s okay because with time you’ll develop the ability to be as great as you desire to be. I also suppose how things are to be perceived by others can have you on the fence but remember everything isn’t for everybody.

Why I stopped saying “nigga”

With the whole “don’t say nigga unless you’re black” rhetoric going I feel the need to cover the importance of respecting that on a wider spread before I just jump in on why I stopped using the word.

  • What It Means: The word “Nigga” is derived from “Nigger”. If you aren’t familiar with what a “Nigger” is it’s a noun (considered offensive) USED as an INSULTING AND CONTEMPTUOUS term FOR a BLACK PERSON, also USED as an INSULTING and CONTEMPTUOUS term FOR a MEMBER OF ANY DARK SKIN RACE, and (now often, still considered offensive) A MEMBER OF A CLASS OR GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO ARE SYSTEMATICALLY SUBJECTED TO DISCRIMINATION AND UNFAIR TREATMENT. [minding you that the last usage of the word still very much so correlates with black/dark skin people thank you.] It is a word that is “still at the center of anti-Black verbal distortions” if you’re black you can attest to the fact you’ve been called “nigger” in today’s time. The African American Registry was kind enough to provide a well written explanatory breakdown “Nigger (the word), a brief history” on the origin of the word, including the widespread derogatory meanings and what it meant to be considered a “Nigger”.
  • What is a “Nigga”: Nigga is a form of “Black Pride”. African Americans had to endure a lot of torture behind being a “Nigger” and as time progressed black people felt it would be benignant to take what was once detrimental to them and show that it no longer has the power to hold any weight. [with that being said, our African American Black ancestors had to fight for that! Which is why the fight continues through anyone who feels the need to press the issue on why a non black person shouldn’t say nigga] Yes it showcases oppression and yes you’re ethnicity was probably oppressed too but the line that is drawn in between both sides happens to be Black so let Black people be in regards of Black history and what it means to be Black in America, let alone anywhere, without feeling as if they have to accept the actions of everyone when in plain sight our actions doesn’t even get allowed justification in regards of why the respect is Mandated, let alone the least that can be allotted to us without argument.demonstrator-rights-police-dog-reaction-Alabama-Birmingham-May-3-1963

here we have real feelings/words from real people,

“Well at first before I found out being Afro Rican was a thing I wouldn’t say my family was anti black my dads side is my moms isn’t but I knew two ways the word could be used one in a derogatory way and one which was just slang that had no “bad meaning” to it but I would say it and I never got checked for it EVER but anybody else that wasn’t black would get checked for it people would say but you Puerto Rican you from the hood so you get a pass not even mentioning that I was dark or not but as I grew older being taught that Boricuas like myself have that African DNA more than other Boricuas it made sense so now I’m one of them people doing the checking some people you can put in they place some you cant they’ll keep saying it I don’t condone non black people saying it even if they genuinely mean it as how we would use it but that’s just the way mfs grew up saying that word so its something they’re used to however they can unlearn that shit” – via twitter, @D0ntGetChipped

“Honestly …. I’m one of those people it depends what you’re using the word for… if it’s in a song I won’t really care I won’t lie, but if you’re directing it toward someone else no matter their race I’m like “who a nigga?” Tf?” – via instagram, @im.asil

“Me personally, I’m not sensitive to it. I disagree more for the fact that blacks can’t have anything for themselves without other groups feeling entitled. Esp people who aren’t white but aren’t black. Whites too, but other groups hide behind the fact that we crack down on whites its frustrating in general for blacks to be the core of the culture, yet diminished by every group. Which is apart of the game I guess. but the second we understand our value is the day we can see progression. synonymous to the artists v. businessman argument.” – via twitter, @nappyhednegress

When you are a White person and you don’t honor the wishes of a Black Person telling you to stop saying “nigga” understand how you just looked over black history, black people as a whole, and you may deem it not a big deal but that should let you know you have no business saying it because you can’t understand it, you don’t live it, and clearly you don’t even respect it therefore majority rules you have no business even trying to be apart of it. Even when you say “I don’t mean it like that” you disregard black history/black people because that’s what it means and that’s what comes with saying it.black archives of mid america

It’s nothing wrong with being wrong if you’re willing to correct your ignorance. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge with willingness to be informed while stupidity is closed minded negligence in regards of taking the opportunity to understand and gain perspective/knowledge.

  • Why I Stopped saying “Nigga” It took me a good while to realize I used it to dehumanize and/or disregard the value of a Black Man. I only referred to Men as “N****s”, simply because I felt like they weren’t aligning with that it was to be a Man so I didn’t refer to them as one and not once did I think it to be offensive because I’m black myself, “my friends say it”, “I grew up where everybody says it”, “I’ve been hearing it all my life”. So as of now I refrain from saying it in general. What made me realize that I was doing this is watching a White Hispanic lady who says “Nigga” turn around and get into a conflict with Black People and say “Y’all just a bunch of Niggas” without realizing the connotation that came with that, hence why it’s was not preferred for her to say it in the first place. Me being Black wasn’t justification for my blatant stupidity. So now I’ve taken the initiative to equate Black Men to what they are which are Men, Guys, Dudes, and I feel good about that. Hopefully my negligence, the feelings from others, and origin history encourages you to not only reconsider but understand the fight on why it’s absurd to have it in your vocabulary anyways.