Am I Sensitive?

I take just about everything personal.

Am I aware some people just do and don’t think? Yes.

Do I keep in mind not everybody has lived the same life as me therefore they might not think the same as me? Absolutely.

So why do I take everything so personally? Because I don’t do without intention and since I am aware of, or at least try to be, I find it to be a direct act against me when some things unravel the way they do. I believe everybody knows their intention even when they have none to begin with. So I myself refuse to believe, especially if it’s not voiced sincerely*.

I myself am a vocal being who makes what I will not accept evident; so to be battling what people think they can try screams “disregarding” to me so I take that personally as well. As someone not too inviting outside of social media when people do gain access to me, once I am disturbed … I take that personally. Because “why?” I feel like people go out their way to try and break me down sometimes and how rude is that.

Am I being sensitive?! Where does being sensitive & offended correlate? Let’s start by saying sensitivity isn’t even a bad thing. To be sensitive is to be clear, aware, and direct. If you don’t like something or need a little more tlc then so be it. It’s the people who like to be selfish and wreck havoc on other peoples lives in which think someone else being sensitive is a burden on their ability to destruct.

I do question my sensitivity though since when I do get “upset” I don’t know how to let my anger past. I dwell in the very least but like I said in the “forgetfulness” article … I don’t forgive or forget!! So maybe I should work on that, I’m probably not though, to be honest. Just something I noticed about myself this week and wanted to voice. Talk to everybody later.

! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty

& [this includes the sweet things in life, oh how sacred and valuable they are to me.]

Short Sermon: Spiritual Envy

When you become one with a certain stature of self awareness and sincerity regarding who you are, what you do, along with how you treat people it’s hard to not take the actions of others personally.

No one asks of me to wear my heart, feelings, sensibility, or ability to be whatever on my sleeve but I do so because that’s how I flow. I’m not afraid of the hurt that might come with being so receptive. Such as being emotionally distressed, spiritually disconnected, just completely blindsided by the actions of others it’s all growing pains I appreciate when not used against me.

I understand I might sound too good to be true due to me being straightforward and with that I feel as if you should be proud I see something in you to allow you to ultimately share me with you, in any aspect.

When someone gets the opportunity to infiltrate the secure element you’ve created for yourself I feel like it’s done on purpose. That individual knew they didn’t have what it took, yet they decided to move forward and disrupt instead of self assist in the hopes of becoming better or even realizing that something wasn’t for them.

Selfish.

You can not be sensible and fully unaware of your actions. I know you can’t. I take all actions against me personal because retrospectively it’s a form of attack. You couldn’t conquer me therefore you rather destroy. In the hopes you don’t feel lonely at the bottom of self despair since sinking down is easier than growing up.

Protect yourself, your energy, element, and aura because you’re in control of that. People much rather focus on you and create a diabolical plan to tear you down since they see you as the structure they can’t find the strength to build themselves to become what they long to be.

Spiritual Envy is a different kind of evil.

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.

Just finished my 20th lap around the sun

I “risk” a lot being myself or staying true to who I am. By not compromising to become what other people want from me and only abiding by what I know to be authenticity, I’m not “universal”. Universal in this universe is to cater to one idea of personal discretion, people tend to start being selfish with you, who you are.

That’s not how I’m willing to live.

Overall the idea of all of that doesn’t necessarily bother me per say. I’m just always being reminded about how much better I’d be, If I were to present myself for the sake of admiration from other people. Which kind of comes across as who I am doesn’t hold much “significance” in retrospect of course. More often than not we are to be molded by someone who doesn’t even live up to their own expectations that they are forcing on you. (Family & society has a bad habit of doing this)

In addition to the social media craze being a guide to insanity, insecurity, and insincerity. It often makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong when you’re simply being yourself in some cases. It’s okay to feel like a failure, usually within the despair that comes with it is hunger to approach whatever better next time. Instead, as of late we’ve been questioning ourselves not for the greater good of ourselves to contribute to bettering us but how to make people like us. So “failure” hits harder since it’s not to be an option. As if it’s a incorrect way to be ourselves to begin with..

Everybody is different! That’s what creates versatility, if we were all on the same page we’d learn nothing new. If we all looked the same the beauty in art would seemingly decrease do to unappreciative outlook. If we all had the same personality we wouldn’t know how to function outside of what we’re use to. I read once “If it wasn’t for villains it would be no heroes.”

What is the point? Are we people pleasing, which is fine I just rather people not pass it for what it’s not and that’s a “I don’t give a fuck attitude” because you do. Are we setting a staple of boarder thinking? Are we longing to be liked, if not loved? Are we looking forward to monetary triumph? What’s the purpose of what we do? Who do we do it for? What do we mean to ourselves?

I read that after we’ve accomplished a goal we don’t realize that the importance was minute because we don’t know what to do next after wading in the success. If you put it into perspective after you’ve accomplished, obtained, or whatever you kind of forget about it. It’s no longer important, you’re bored, on to the next, you did it. Then what.

Point is there’s no blueprint to follow when staying truth to being original. I suppose being lost is part of it all since in the travels to the next destination we elevate.

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

Selfish or Selfless 

  • Aloof – (a•loof) Adjective, Not Friendly or Forthcoming; cool and distant.

“They were courteous but faintly aloof.”
An informal way to call someone aloof is “Standoffish”

I wonder are you born in such a solemn state of living or is it something you develop over time. From a personal stand point I definitely feel like I developed an unemotional lifestyle regarding things an average person would’ve consider sentimental from trials and tribulations such as Friendly Rejection or not having a close knit family, after repeated unacceptance from peers you start to keep to yourself & self reflect, resulting in bettering yourself. When your family isn’t typically “close” certain things just don’t bother you for instance … When Holidays come around I’m in a cool but distant state of mind since it’s only my mother, sister and an occasional cousin here and there, I love them everyday so my love doesn’t increase during the end of year, there is no reason. A con to this is you feel like everyone should relate to your lifestyle of not being emotionally attached all the time, and that’s the selfish perspective. For example I’m good for feeling like “If it doesn’t bother me it damn sure shouldn’t have bothered you” therefore I won’t necessarily care about the other persons feelings regarding the situation because it’s not a big deal theoretically. I also feel as if that characteristic makes me a more solid individual because my actions aren’t based on emotion but solely my personal preference when it comes to decision making.

  • Magnanimous – (Mag•nan•I•mous) Adjective, Vey Generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than ones self.

“Her magnanimous contributions to the art world.”

Selfless, hopeless but not regarding yourself, selfless because you cater to others. Someone’s presences can bring you so much happiness you never want to miss spending anytime with them. The love for someone/something takes all of you literally, you become more concerned on something that’s not you … you don’t know who you are anymore, but that’s fine! Selflessness can be beautiful because you aren’t looking for anything back it’s unconditional willingness but it’s also like “Are you even happy?” Internally. Which can be addressed later because it’s not about you, it’s about them. You can even want the best for someone more than they want it for themselves because you see the potential in them outside looking in not realizing all it is … is … potential. You’re living off hopes and dreams but you know dreams come so it’s all good.

How do you balance out two personas like that regarding a love life? How do you balance out the two personas when it comes to general living? Which one is worst?

Problems & Selfless – PND

Shihan- This type of love (Def Jam Poetry)

Friendly Rejection 

As years progress You can tell which friendships grow on you in positive and negative aspects. 

When I say friendly rejection I’m not talking about being “Friend Zoned”. I’m referring to the attempts of building bonds with people and you guys just don’t relate or they might not see the coolness you see in yourself. 

1. Weird – Suggesting something is supernatural; Uncanny. 

  • People use the term weird wrong all the time, just because someone doesn’t fit in with you appearance wise or morally doesn’t mean they’re “supernatural” just simply different that’s all. People see you dancing to the beat of your own drum and think you’re weird because you give off your own type of energy. I’ve been called weird all my life & I used to think it was so bad like “ew what the fuck, never” but I just realized it’s not bad at all I’m “Weird” and you’re “Regular” you are what we call predictable, I would be concerned if I was you, you have no Za Za Zu! I didn’t have that mindframe previously though so I spent like 2 years fixing myself appearance wise especially to fit in… to nothing ! I look back like WHAT THE FUCK was so important in copying people that didn’t even acknowledge the fact I tried to adapt to their way of living to be their friend, on top of the fact I have surpassed more than most of them in my life, anyways.

2. Annoying – causing irritation or annoyance. 

  • I was always the annoying friend from multiple aspects which is kind of intriguing. I was either annoying because I was to “mothering” but I mean I can’t help it if I want the best for you, I consider you … my friend. Then I would be annoying in an obnoxious manner but I always considered that as a form of mild, unaccepted, admiration meaning I love you, I want to be around you, you are cool to me! I LIKED YOU! Eventually you learn to back off no matter how much you either want to intervene because you know the person can do better than they are producing or be in someone’s presence because they make you sincerely happy. 

3. Independent – Free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. 

  • When you are not easily influenced by others they stay away from you, and when you’re younger you wonder “what’s the problem? We can still be cool” but what you don’t realize is technically you’re no use to them if you aren’t  willing to be a test dummy, which is totally fine by me. “Stand up for whatever you believe in even if you’re standing alone.” & I put this to help justify the importance of you believing in yourself unapologetically, so make sure your well being mentally & physically are okay because you’re able to live at your own desired discretion. If someone can’t respect you as a person along with your mindframe you don’t need them in your life anyways. 

It took me a while to pay attention to this type of stuff because I had no choice but to enjoy the company of myself on many occasions, and with doing that it gives you time to simply self reflect and learn yourself. I appreciate the people who never cared to be my friend after a long struggle of me trying because it showed me to give everyone a chance UNLESS something that crosses the line happens then I can’t associate with you anymore, but that’s a given. It’s no telling how much someone wants you in their life and just because you don’t have too much in common I don’t think you should necessarily ignore them, hear them out have simple conversations… adapt a new way of thinking it’ll open your mind in a very positive way.