Apology Shmology

An Apology is

1. a) an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret. b) an expression of regret for not being able to do something.

2. a) something that is said or written to defend something that other people criticize. b) excuse.

I know and understand the significance of an apology ideally. It’s to right wrongs, acknowledge mistakes, and so on but essentially they rub me the wrong way.

I was never a fan of accepting an apology, I tried for the sake of the people who give them to me but it doesn’t feel sincere to accept such a, what I consider worthless, gesture. I assume I appreciate hearing someone say their faults in situations but after that I much rather them deal with that among themselves.

I’ll always feel like “you did it, own it, because if you really knew how it would effect me or make me feel you probably would’ve refrained from doing yet! You wanted to do it, so you did it. Own it.” I don’t look at that as grudge holding either I relate it to accountability.

It might also be the only way I can control something that has gotten out hand because in wise reconsideration the ball is back in my court and I can determine what’s next. In a sense it brings me satisfaction that you can’t enjoy yourself due to your guilt, brings me even more satisfaction knowing you’re aware you let me down.

I’ll link a read regarding how I do move forward, if I decide to, without accepting an apology essentially here.

S/N: Just because I decline you’re apology doesn’t imply I have any resentment towards you and also won’t still interact with you.

“How does it feel in America?”: Dark Skin

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

We often “speak for” with the idea we know although we haven’t lived through to experience. When really the most we can do is listen and understand in most instances while not invalidating perceptions, feelings, and truths because they don’t correlate with the idea we’ve developed ourselves from the outside looking in. To respect, acknowledge, and try to be receptive the best we can are little steps that can embark big change.

The point is to bring “awareness” not saying anyone who participated in this is a victim but to shed light on “how it feels…” because every feeling counts.

So I ask “How does it feel to be Dark Skin in America?”

“For a long time I hated it! I didn’t necessarily hate my skin… I hated what people associated with my skin color! Since I’m not and never were the negative things people said and thought about people with darker skin.”

Heluvstay

“Being dark skin in America feels like being an alien… we get degraded and passed up on, I used to hate being dark skin I heard every joke in the book, especially from guys. We’re always compared to a person of lighter skin tones, we have to work twice as hard to look good because we’re dark skin, and people only like dark skin people right now because we’re a trend. We started embracing ourselves and now everybody wants parts of that. I get told “yeah you’re cute, for a dark skin.” when in reality I’m cute as fuck period! We are in our category, in our own race… we get racially profiled the most as well [a perfect example would be the skin chart from family guy implying that the darker skin are most likely to have done, anything].”

Shesojaae

“As a dark skin male in America I feel the light colored skin tones are appreciated more, we are more prone to stereotypes (law enforcement/police brutality) and people at times are scared of me or already formed an opinion before even meeting me due to the color of my skin”

NikaiMiller

“I guess I’m what people consider “brown skin” I think I’m just black. I’m just a Black Girl. When I was younger all the boys at school would say I’m “burnt toast” and I’d be confused like ” I’m brown but I’m not dark skin. It got to a the point I hated it and wanted to be light skin so bad. I still wanted my blackness, I just wanted to be light. Because of that I was able to notice my own colorist ways and changed it, I love my brown skin! It can be dark it can be whatever but I don’t want it to be a “wave”. For example Darker girls are only “the wave” on social media or if they have certain features. The objective is to love our Black beauty no matter how light or dark it is. Let’s rid the community and the world of those terms all together

Black is Black is Black”

Chyanne

“Growing up I never really considered myself “dark” or any other complexion I just always assumed I was just “Black” no in between. As I got older going through school that’s when other kids would refer to me as “dark” when comparing me to them or just in general. I started to realize the term being used within my own family and how they used it to describe people with deeper skin tones. At the time it didn’t make me feel any way, until I started to get the “You’re pretty for a black girl.”, “You’re cute for a dark skin”, “I don’t usually talk to dark skins but I would talk to you.” that shit really did get under my skin after a while because I don’t get why my skin color has to be mentioned at all. My facial features are my facial features and I would look like this no matter what shade my skin was in…So if I was lighter would they have told me ” You’re cute for a light skin girl”? I highly doubt it. Which was the most annoying part because to me it was like “You’re treating me different than you would treat someone else or who is lighter than me” but I eventually stopped caring about it though. At this point I feel like it’s a lot of complexion slander now a days where every complexion talks about each other and essentially it’s all just non sense. I don’t know who, why, or what deemed it necessary that each culture must have some type of complexion shaming in order to have certain people feel superior than others that are the same ethnicity as them but it’s happening and it’s keeping us divided as Black people. All I know is no matter who you are, what you look like, or how dark your skin is you are no less or no more than anybody else on this doomed ass earth. We all breathe the same polluted ass air so people need to act accordingly and humble themselves and stop acting like skin tone gives them ranking in actual factual life.”

Versace Hottie

“America’s perception of us hurts, we’re shown almost everyday that our complexion is fear by the rejection we receive, but we we’re born with everything they lack, beauty. The ugly hate they show only makes me love my skin more.”

Mariah

“Being Dark skin in America is definitely not something I’m ashamed of. I’ve heard all of the stereotypes and jokes about how I’m supposed to be “Ain’t shit” or a “deadbeat”, but it’s just more motivation to be more than that!

Kid Cato

“Umm what’s it like being Dark skin, mmm mm, I’ll tell you what it wasn’t like. It wasn’t accepting, it wasn’t loving, it wasn’t peaceful at times, it wasn’t positive, it wasn’t looked at as beautiful, it wasn’t appreciated, it wasn’t… it wasn’t what it is now. I mean that to say a trend, being dark skin is a trend, my dark skin to the next person is a trend, they want to be darker now. When I was younger to be dark skin was considered pretty much a crime. I’ll always remember being constantly teased, looked over, boys always laughing..girls.. you name it. Perfect example is even Lil Kim, a lot of people love to say she went to far with surgery and bleaching her skin but you have to understand when you’re praising self hate in you’re own community and you constantly hear it, you have no choice but to feel like you are different. It’s disgusting that so many people are upset with her appearance now when we’re the reason of her appearance, the reason for her low self esteem, we’re the reason for the self hate. It’s nauseating because it’s like “well how do you expect for me to see the beauty within myself when you don’t even see the beauty within me.” The point is understand when you’re around the hate of people telling you your skin is to dark you automatically start to believe it.

Angel 

“Being Dark skin in America was difficult. With people not accepting you because you’re a darker complexion, people talking shit because you’re dark, I believe it gets easier to love your skin tone when you’re older. When you’re younger you tend to follow the trend because you don’t know yourself yet. For me it was very hard to love my skin in middle/high school, people talking about me made my self esteem very low and at one point I wished I wasn’t dark. Now you can’t tell me shit! I love my skin, it’s so beautiful, a beautiful even tone, and I will never wish that I was light.

I love being black as fuck!

Taki

Faces of
The faces of the beautiful words given to us from left to right top, middle, then bottom row: Angel, Cato, Mariah, Myia, Taki, Chy, Jae, Nikai, Tay

Cover photo is courtesy of Mariah

Wishing everybody much peace, joy, and prosperity. Always All ways.

[S/N: If you’d like to share how it feels to be Dark skin in America for you the comment section is always open and welcoming.]

“Not subject to any conditions”

As I get older I realize I’m to genuine to be involved with people frivolously. I can’t half ass my sincerity so I rather not deal with anything as such regardless of the potential of what could be.

I hate conditional everything that has to do with a bond I share with anyone!

I just can’t accept it willingly. It makes me uncomfortable in a sense and as I get older I find myself finding comfort in people. Possibly due to my lack of family, so any time I invite someone in I try to assure them comfort. I enter every bond with the idea it’ll be long term, long term comes with the ability to understand, feel, and whatever else makes any kind of relationship strong to you but what is that if it’s under certain terms and conditions. Conditional is a lack of respect, trust, and belief.

I notice people love the sense of security I give them but don’t offer it back. Maybe they don’t know how to be unconditional.. maybe all their life they’ve only experienced a bond under conditions that didn’t offer them everlasting comfort and stability.

A part of me always wants to prove my unconditional everything by offering the ability to understand they might need to adjust to the lifestyle. While my wisdom recognizes that some people don’t even care to try.. probably due to a lack of belief and I’d hate to prove them right by removing myself from them completely. When you’re this unconditional we speak of you always end up offering your presence under any circumstances it’s just up to the recipient to accept and or acknowledge it.

I find myself wishing the world was more sincere, wishing people knew the importance of everything they do with emphasis on how they receive people, wishing we took a little more accountability for our actions without having to be reminded.

Short Sermon: Natural Expressions

It’s not to many benefits when it comes to suppressing your feelings you only burden yourself in regards of your emotions.

Allow yourself to be furious, allow yourself to be gloomy, allow yourself to be heartbroken, allow yourself to feel betrayed, allow yourself to feel disappointed, just allow yourself to feel.

Feelings aren’t a form of weakness, they are natural expressions.

Emotions push our growth, they help grace the process of a different learning.

When you suppress your feelings you don’t allow yourself to get over it, instead you fall under it. Somethings will always bother you of course it’s life but somethings don’t deserve as much time as others. When you void the process of understanding you become stuck on particular situations trying to understand them instead of just feel and progress.

Resulting in Regression.

Don’t neglect you’re happiness by spending to much time on what makes you grieve.

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.

Short Sermon: Spiritual Envy

When you become one with a certain stature of self awareness and sincerity regarding who you are, what you do, along with how you treat people it’s hard to not take the actions of others personally.

No one asks of me to wear my heart, feelings, sensibility, or ability to be whatever on my sleeve but I do so because that’s how I flow. I’m not afraid of the hurt that might come with being so receptive. Such as being emotionally distressed, spiritually disconnected, just completely blindsided by the actions of others it’s all growing pains I appreciate when not used against me.

I understand I might sound too good to be true due to me being straightforward and with that I feel as if you should be proud I see something in you to allow you to ultimately share me with you, in any aspect.

When someone gets the opportunity to infiltrate the secure element you’ve created for yourself I feel like it’s done on purpose. That individual knew they didn’t have what it took, yet they decided to move forward and disrupt instead of self assist in the hopes of becoming better or even realizing that something wasn’t for them.

Selfish.

You can not be sensible and fully unaware of your actions. I know you can’t. I take all actions against me personal because retrospectively it’s a form of attack. You couldn’t conquer me therefore you rather destroy. In the hopes you don’t feel lonely at the bottom of self despair since sinking down is easier than growing up.

Protect yourself, your energy, element, and aura because you’re in control of that. People much rather focus on you and create a diabolical plan to tear you down since they see you as the structure they can’t find the strength to build themselves to become what they long to be.

Spiritual Envy is a different kind of evil.

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.

Inconsistency

I’ve been extremely inconsistent and it’s probably due to the inability to control my emotions.

I’ve been extremely inconsistent and that’s probably how I’ve been able to keep it together although it’s getting hard. I’m overwhelmed by emotions I much rather not acknowledge and with that I feel like individuals have been trying to drain me of my sincerity because they know it’s unconditional. Stuck between a rock and lots of tears since I know changing in order to protect myself would alter how I flow so meaningfully, people deserve me, people deserve to experience my love and their ability to be sacred to me. It gets hard when it’s not appreciated but taken advantage of with no “thank you” even though you don’t need to hear “thank you” because that everlasting passion is you. I do this. All I ask is not to be selfish with it(me) though.

I can’t even be at peace with my actions because I’m considerate of how they’d make others feel although I still do them because I must move forward as everybody else. It’s almost like I can’t enjoy the fruits of my labors.

I struggle with the battle of being open yet unreceptive in the hopes it brings me clarity on how to move forward knowing people don’t care about you unless it’s beneficial for keeping their peace meaning they disregard and destroy yours.

I suppose when you’re willing with your feelings people forget you have them. Not even respecting the process it took for you to get where you were when they disturbed you. Not even respecting that you saw what you seen in them that allowed them in to disturb you. Not even respecting the boundaries you must create in order to get almost to that place you once were when you were comfortable because it’s not the same.

I’ve been inconsistent mixed selfish nonetheless and I don’t feel comfortable apologizing for it because the consistency people desire I desire for myself. I’m now selfish because I’ve been selfless for so long I need help.

 I must try to enjoy this journey of “not becoming what unsettled you in the hopes you’ll become better you.”

Wishing everybody MUCH Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always.

xoxo

Just finished my 20th lap around the sun

I “risk” a lot being myself or staying true to who I am. By not compromising to become what other people want from me and only abiding by what I know to be authenticity, I’m not “universal”. Universal in this universe is to cater to one idea of personal discretion, people tend to start being selfish with you, who you are.

That’s not how I’m willing to live.

Overall the idea of all of that doesn’t necessarily bother me per say. I’m just always being reminded about how much better I’d be, If I were to present myself for the sake of admiration from other people. Which kind of comes across as who I am doesn’t hold much “significance” in retrospect of course. More often than not we are to be molded by someone who doesn’t even live up to their own expectations that they are forcing on you. (Family & society has a bad habit of doing this)

In addition to the social media craze being a guide to insanity, insecurity, and insincerity. It often makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong when you’re simply being yourself in some cases. It’s okay to feel like a failure, usually within the despair that comes with it is hunger to approach whatever better next time. Instead, as of late we’ve been questioning ourselves not for the greater good of ourselves to contribute to bettering us but how to make people like us. So “failure” hits harder since it’s not to be an option. As if it’s a incorrect way to be ourselves to begin with..

Everybody is different! That’s what creates versatility, if we were all on the same page we’d learn nothing new. If we all looked the same the beauty in art would seemingly decrease do to unappreciative outlook. If we all had the same personality we wouldn’t know how to function outside of what we’re use to. I read once “If it wasn’t for villains it would be no heroes.”

What is the point? Are we people pleasing, which is fine I just rather people not pass it for what it’s not and that’s a “I don’t give a fuck attitude” because you do. Are we setting a staple of boarder thinking? Are we longing to be liked, if not loved? Are we looking forward to monetary triumph? What’s the purpose of what we do? Who do we do it for? What do we mean to ourselves?

I read that after we’ve accomplished a goal we don’t realize that the importance was minute because we don’t know what to do next after wading in the success. If you put it into perspective after you’ve accomplished, obtained, or whatever you kind of forget about it. It’s no longer important, you’re bored, on to the next, you did it. Then what.

Point is there’s no blueprint to follow when staying truth to being original. I suppose being lost is part of it all since in the travels to the next destination we elevate.

To match or Not to match

“Match their energy…” “We’re matching energy.” “I’m just going to match their energy.”

Why? Why do we have this idea that we must lower ourselves to prove..what? What is the significance in putting your character to the side in order to prove something to someone that does even equate to you, contribute any good to you, or most likely doesn’t even care about you, and will confuse you reflecting them to you simply “tripping” because if they did it wouldn’t be necessary to match their “energy”.

I’ve never heard anyone say they were going to match the energy of someone with a positive narrative behind it instead of fighting fire with fire.

I assume it’s the same as “treating others the way you’d like to be treated” but maybe not, see I associate that with common courtesy. Where else “Energy” is something much more sacred, sincere, something you ought of protect in a sense.

When we sacrifice ourselves like that we don’t notice how not only is it essentially a waste of time but also how vulnerable we are. We willingly ruin ourselves in the hopes the person, a person, who happens to not have “soul” themselves get its. Which leaves us disheveled because in a sense we lose ourselves on accident and can’t grasp that it was never anything wrong with us but the problem is them, only to turn into them since we don’t feel appreciated. It’s the little things that are able to create a domino effect of trauma. Point is just remember you can’t feel for a person that doesn’t feel themselves.

May the hurt we experience allow us to grow wiser, wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity

xoxo

THE COVER IS FROM THE MOVIE “HOW HIGH”