Full Circle Half Empty

my life has been full circle the last couple months, may i humbly say…i’d consider it “complete”[as time has progressed i have decided that my life in its entirety isn’t “complete” but more specifically a phase..the first one…in which i’ve been working on for years.]
also a part of me goes back in forth with the idea i might be thinking to “low” when i say that, but honestly it feels right to say. and when i change my mind to consider i might be wrong.. it’s really not from the perspective of me but more so what the world pushes you to feel about your everything.
it’s always more that can be done or obtained and for whatever reason being comfortable is never enough.
oh the irony in that! [when you’re hardbody and think about how sweet a soft day would be. or when you’ve adapted to being uncomfortable for such a long time, when s*** isn’t hard you don’t know how to function with leisure.]

*a conversation for another day would be how comfort is being given the same context as greed, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

i assume i’ll never be 100% with the dynamics that make up my everything as nobody is perfect but i consider myself a circle and at this time im full as in complete but empty.
maybe my circle isn’t complete because i always find myself getting halfway full then it starts to deplete then.. i wake up and it’s empty. and honestly i don’t feel anyway about it because i’ve taken the time out of living too understand myself more and it’s more to be understood(for example why can’t i maintain happyness? or whatever that fills up my circle. CERTAINTY!!! for example i manage to get to like 66% these days before it’s time to try it all over again.)

as i’ve lived, i feel like i make progress then i find myself reliving shit i thought i learned from. eventually i caught on to the fact i adapted to damaged control ~ although i knew the outcome of what i was doing, unfavorable or not, it gave me a sense of control when navigating it.
which is so silly.
and this full circle half empty reoccurrence is life reliving that ..but maybe emotionally?[i wish i could go back in time to just watch how many days i’d maintain peace. to know if on average growing up i managed to have…let’s say..11 good days before it was just striped from under me and now my brain just allows me 11 then self destructs as a natural reaction, get me?]
in addition to that im not sure about much of anything or how to even assess anything after that last sentence but i will say, im alright or my best self right now. yet it’s a form of emptiness that comes with that called “well what’s next?” what do i do now.

full circle half empty by me

and as i write im starting to realize that, that the “emptiness” i maintain is because im to busy dwelling on the fact i don’t have the answers as i always do and it’s no problem to solve to know anything.. so now im just doing on my own accord… and i know no freedom as such that’s equivalent to freedom of self where you figure stuff out beyond what you’re use to.

i have a slight theory that i have advanced passed “damage control” to understand that i have no eagerness to partake in self sabotage out of curiosity, boredom, or uncertainty as an escape goat for what might just be me experiencing a pure form of peace.
im chilling.
so within that theory im stuck at a place of not having the answers while being eager to experience to contribute to what has become FULFILLING TO ME.

truth be told im also slightly scared that maybe if i take this time to just enjoy how far i’ve come, maybe im missing out or could be using my time better.[but what’s better than self awareness/growth?]
i notice that i have to remind myself, a lot of things, but that uncertainty is just me seconding guessing myself.

{its a note to self on this page that says “i should really just take the time to enjoy a picnic to be proud of the fruit im bearing from my labors before my back starts hurting or start spilling fruit.”}

i hope everybody is taking time to get right with themselves as your just as important as the elements you make up
WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY
always, all ways
XOXO

Short Sermon: Growth is inevitable

Growth is inevitable.

Changes must occur in order for you to learn and gain perspective for different walks of life but essentially it’s up to you to determine what you’re going to do with the knowledge placed upon you. Growing pains are what I consider to be necessary unfortunate realities, events, or circumstances that create resistance. Or what we also look at as resistance because they benefit in discomfort or self destruction, of course we all make mistakes. A mistake is a verb meaning many things but one being “to blunder in the choice of” and in regards of these particular lifetimes we live because we’re always evolving. As in at a certain time in life you THOUGHT in favor of! Encouraging you to make what turned out to be a poor choice but look at it as an opportunity to start over new in present time by not making that same mistake again, also known as growth.

Wishing everyone much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity. Always. All ways

“How does it feel in America?”: Dark Skin

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity. 

We often “speak for” with the idea we know although we haven’t lived through to experience. When really the most we can do is listen and understand in most instances while not invalidating perceptions, feelings, and truths because they don’t correlate with the idea we’ve developed ourselves from the outside looking in. To respect, acknowledge, and try to be receptive the best we can are little steps that can embark big change.

The point is to bring “awareness” not saying anyone who participated in this is a victim but to shed light on “how it feels…” because every feeling counts.

So I ask “How does it feel to be Dark Skin in America?”

“For a long time I hated it! I didn’t necessarily hate my skin… I hated what people associated with my skin color! Since I’m not and never were the negative things people said and thought about people with darker skin.”

– Heluvstay

“Being dark skin in America feels like being an alien… we get degraded and passed up on, I used to hate being dark skin I heard every joke in the book, especially from guys. We’re always compared to a person of lighter skin tones, we have to work twice as hard to look good because we’re dark skin, and people only like dark skin people right now because we’re a trend. We started embracing ourselves and now everybody wants parts of that. I get told “yeah you’re cute, for a dark skin.” when in reality I’m cute as fuck period! We are in our category, in our own race… we get racially profiled the most as well [a perfect example would be the skin chart from family guy implying that the darker skin are most likely to have done, anything].”

– Shesojaae

“As a dark skin male in America I feel the light colored skin tones are appreciated more, we are more prone to stereotypes (law enforcement/police brutality) and people at times are scared of me or already formed an opinion before even meeting me due to the color of my skin”

– NikaiMiller

“I guess I’m what people consider “brown skin” I think I’m just black. I’m just a Black Girl. When I was younger all the boys at school would say I’m “burnt toast” and I’d be confused like ” I’m brown but I’m not dark skin. It got to a the point I hated it and wanted to be light skin so bad. I still wanted my blackness, I just wanted to be light. Because of that I was able to notice my own colorist ways and changed it, I love my brown skin! It can be dark it can be whatever but I don’t want it to be a “wave”. For example Darker girls are only “the wave” on social media or if they have certain features. The objective is to love our Black beauty no matter how light or dark it is. Let’s rid the community and the world of those terms all together

Black is Black is Black”

– Chyanne

“Growing up I never really considered myself “dark” or any other complexion I just always assumed I was just “Black” no in between. As I got older going through school that’s when other kids would refer to me as “dark” when comparing me to them or just in general. I started to realize the term being used within my own family and how they used it to describe people with deeper skin tones. At the time it didn’t make me feel any way, until I started to get the “You’re pretty for a black girl.”, “You’re cute for a dark skin”, “I don’t usually talk to dark skins but I would talk to you.” that shit really did get under my skin after a while because I don’t get why my skin color has to be mentioned at all. My facial features are my facial features and I would look like this no matter what shade my skin was in…So if I was lighter would they have told me ” You’re cute for a light skin girl”? I highly doubt it. Which was the most annoying part because to me it was like “You’re treating me different than you would treat someone else or who is lighter than me” but I eventually stopped caring about it though. At this point I feel like it’s a lot of complexion slander now a days where every complexion talks about each other and essentially it’s all just non sense. I don’t know who, why, or what deemed it necessary that each culture must have some type of complexion shaming in order to have certain people feel superior than others that are the same ethnicity as them but it’s happening and it’s keeping us divided as Black people. All I know is no matter who you are, what you look like, or how dark your skin is you are no less or no more than anybody else on this doomed ass earth. We all breathe the same polluted ass air so people need to act accordingly and humble themselves and stop acting like skin tone gives them ranking in actual factual life.”

– Versace Hottie

“America’s perception of us hurts, we’re shown almost everyday that our complexion is fear by the rejection we receive, but we we’re born with everything they lack, beauty. The ugly hate they show only makes me love my skin more.”

– Mariah

“Being Dark skin in America is definitely not something I’m ashamed of. I’ve heard all of the stereotypes and jokes about how I’m supposed to be “Ain’t shit” or a “deadbeat”, but it’s just more motivation to be more than that!

– Kid Cato

“Umm what’s it like being Dark skin, mmm mm, I’ll tell you what it wasn’t like. It wasn’t accepting, it wasn’t loving, it wasn’t peaceful at times, it wasn’t positive, it wasn’t looked at as beautiful, it wasn’t appreciated, it wasn’t… it wasn’t what it is now. I mean that to say a trend, being dark skin is a trend, my dark skin to the next person is a trend, they want to be darker now. When I was younger to be dark skin was considered pretty much a crime. I’ll always remember being constantly teased, looked over, boys always laughing..girls.. you name it. Perfect example is even Lil Kim, a lot of people love to say she went to far with surgery and bleaching her skin but you have to understand when you’re praising self hate in you’re own community and you constantly hear it, you have no choice but to feel like you are different. It’s disgusting that so many people are upset with her appearance now when we’re the reason of her appearance, the reason for her low self esteem, we’re the reason for the self hate. It’s nauseating because it’s like “well how do you expect for me to see the beauty within myself when you don’t even see the beauty within me.” The point is understand when you’re around the hate of people telling you your skin is to dark you automatically start to believe it.

– Angel 

“Being Dark skin in America was difficult. With people not accepting you because you’re a darker complexion, people talking shit because you’re dark, I believe it gets easier to love your skin tone when you’re older. When you’re younger you tend to follow the trend because you don’t know yourself yet. For me it was very hard to love my skin in middle/high school, people talking about me made my self esteem very low and at one point I wished I wasn’t dark. Now you can’t tell me shit! I love my skin, it’s so beautiful, a beautiful even tone, and I will never wish that I was light.

I love being black as fuck!

– Taki

The faces of the beautiful words given to us from left to right top, middle, then bottom row: Angel, Cato, Mariah, Myia, Taki, Chy, Jae, Nikai, Tay

Cover photo is courtesy of Mariah

Wishing everybody much peace, joy, and prosperity. Always All ways.

[S/N: If you’d like to share how it feels to be Dark skin in America for you the comment section is always open and welcoming.]

Inconsistency

I’ve been extremely inconsistent and it’s probably due to the inability to control my emotions.

I’ve been extremely inconsistent and that’s probably how I’ve been able to keep it together although it’s getting hard. I’m overwhelmed by emotions I much rather not acknowledge and with that I feel like individuals have been trying to drain me of my sincerity because they know it’s unconditional. Stuck between a rock and lots of tears since I know changing in order to protect myself would alter how I flow so meaningfully, people deserve me, people deserve to experience my love and their ability to be sacred to me. It gets hard when it’s not appreciated but taken advantage of with no “thank you” even though you don’t need to hear “thank you” because that everlasting passion is you. I do this. All I ask is not to be selfish with it(me) though.

I can’t even be at peace with my actions because I’m considerate of how they’d make others feel although I still do them because I must move forward as everybody else. It’s almost like I can’t enjoy the fruits of my labors.

I struggle with the battle of being open yet unreceptive in the hopes it brings me clarity on how to move forward knowing people don’t care about you unless it’s beneficial for keeping their peace meaning they disregard and destroy yours.

I suppose when you’re willing with your feelings people forget you have them. Not even respecting the process it took for you to get where you were when they disturbed you. Not even respecting that you saw what you seen in them that allowed them in to disturb you. Not even respecting the boundaries you must create in order to get almost to that place you once were when you were comfortable because it’s not the same.

I’ve been inconsistent mixed selfish nonetheless and I don’t feel comfortable apologizing for it because the consistency people desire I desire for myself. I’m now selfish because I’ve been selfless for so long I need help.

 I must try to enjoy this journey of “not becoming what unsettled you in the hopes you’ll become better you.”

Wishing everybody MUCH Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always.

xoxo

Just finished my 20th lap around the sun

I “risk” a lot being myself or staying true to who I am. By not compromising to become what other people want from me and only abiding by what I know to be authenticity, I’m not “universal”. Universal in this universe is to cater to one idea of personal discretion, people tend to start being selfish with you, who you are.

That’s not how I’m willing to live.

Overall the idea of all of that doesn’t necessarily bother me per say. I’m just always being reminded about how much better I’d be, If I were to present myself for the sake of admiration from other people. Which kind of comes across as who I am doesn’t hold much “significance” in retrospect of course. More often than not we are to be molded by someone who doesn’t even live up to their own expectations that they are forcing on you. (Family & society has a bad habit of doing this)

In addition to the social media craze being a guide to insanity, insecurity, and insincerity. It often makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong when you’re simply being yourself in some cases. It’s okay to feel like a failure, usually within the despair that comes with it is hunger to approach whatever better next time. Instead, as of late we’ve been questioning ourselves not for the greater good of ourselves to contribute to bettering us but how to make people like us. So “failure” hits harder since it’s not to be an option. As if it’s a incorrect way to be ourselves to begin with..

Everybody is different! That’s what creates versatility, if we were all on the same page we’d learn nothing new. If we all looked the same the beauty in art would seemingly decrease do to unappreciative outlook. If we all had the same personality we wouldn’t know how to function outside of what we’re use to. I read once “If it wasn’t for villains it would be no heroes.”

What is the point? Are we people pleasing, which is fine I just rather people not pass it for what it’s not and that’s a “I don’t give a fuck attitude” because you do. Are we setting a staple of boarder thinking? Are we longing to be liked, if not loved? Are we looking forward to monetary triumph? What’s the purpose of what we do? Who do we do it for? What do we mean to ourselves?

I read that after we’ve accomplished a goal we don’t realize that the importance was minute because we don’t know what to do next after wading in the success. If you put it into perspective after you’ve accomplished, obtained, or whatever you kind of forget about it. It’s no longer important, you’re bored, on to the next, you did it. Then what.

Point is there’s no blueprint to follow when staying truth to being original. I suppose being lost is part of it all since in the travels to the next destination we elevate.

To match or Not to match

“Match their energy…” “We’re matching energy.” “I’m just going to match their energy.”

Why? Why do we have this idea that we must lower ourselves to prove..what? What is the significance in putting your character to the side in order to prove something to someone that does even equate to you, contribute any good to you, or most likely doesn’t even care about you, and will confuse you reflecting them to you simply “tripping” because if they did it wouldn’t be necessary to match their “energy”.

I’ve never heard anyone say they were going to match the energy of someone with a positive narrative behind it instead of fighting fire with fire.

I assume it’s the same as “treating others the way you’d like to be treated” but maybe not, see I associate that with common courtesy. Where else “Energy” is something much more sacred, sincere, something you ought of protect in a sense.

When we sacrifice ourselves like that we don’t notice how not only is it essentially a waste of time but also how vulnerable we are. We willingly ruin ourselves in the hopes the person, a person, who happens to not have “soul” themselves get its. Which leaves us disheveled because in a sense we lose ourselves on accident and can’t grasp that it was never anything wrong with us but the problem is them, only to turn into them since we don’t feel appreciated. It’s the little things that are able to create a domino effect of trauma. Point is just remember you can’t feel for a person that doesn’t feel themselves.

May the hurt we experience allow us to grow wiser, wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity

xoxo

THE COVER IS FROM THE MOVIE “HOW HIGH”

Regression = Progression

Regression! Sometimes you must backtrack to find depth in what went wrong, what feels incorrect, what the next step is. It’s okay to go back to what you know, don’t feel “guilty”. We know ourselves the best, we know the details of our life that shaped us to be who we’ve become, the feelings we push into oblivion, the wants, and everything else.

Periodically we progress so much we lose touch of what would be the next step in our life. That makes us feel uncomfortable, temporarily, due to confusion. What we once knew is now unfamiliar and while we’re stuck in the realm of ourselves we just don’t know.

We get to a point of finding ourselves going back to what started us, out of boredom or even in remembrance, to inspire us to move in the what would be “correct” direction.

In the game of monopoly (in theory) we go around the same board.. however many times just to essentially better ourselves. So if you feel like old versions of you can contribute to a better you, don’t question it.

By all this I mean everything is a butterfly effect as I say often. So in The trickling down of each situation, memory, or feelings you used as a lesson can be recycled to validate other lessons. It can spark the answers to the “why am I?” “Did I stop because…?”, “what am I doing this for?”, questions we feel like we shouldn’t have to actually think to answer. You can rely on feeling, feelings are important but can also be inadequate, especially when you feel nothing.

Much peace, joy, and prosperity xoxo

2018 “direct your thinking elsewhere”

[Edit: I wrote this while I was in the middle of having a breakdown and asked myself “what’s wrong?” I couldn’t actually get it out I just cried more. Which is why it’s written in the present and present WITH explanation because I won’t actually be editing it, just showcasing this “growth” I talk about.]

Twenty 18 was full of disappointment for me. I’ve probably never been so disappointed, maybe I have but it just didn’t sit with me for so long. On top of the disappointment of self from being disappointed, finally coming to grips with particular issues was something by itself. It was just a tremendously hard year for me as a person. It didn’t start marvelously, it has ended on a much better note as I’ve taken the time to learn new ways of “acceptance”. Although one thing I probably hated the most was not having control over my emotions like I’m used to.

I talk about “relearning the self” often and that’s not easy. All my focus went to the “why?” Aspect of everything trying to make sense of what the universe had going on from a one sided perception, myself.

I’ve cried a lot of tears, none that felt of any meaning just more of emphasis that I feel pretty bad for myself right now.

I actually wanna be left alone for a period of time to become back sure of who I am because at this time I just don’t know. A lot of stuff I’ve been doing which I once enjoyed is purely a distraction of agony. Again I say all this and it just blows me! I’m more than sure I can figure my feelings and self out I just need to find a suitable way to approach it that’s good for me. which I think is alone time under no “pressure” mixed with a lot of selfishness.

I’m learning as I’m living. I’m living while I’m learning. Flowing.

I thank music.

As of now

It was a lot of tears within that first half. Along with the intentions of moving forward in pure isolation.

I genuinely feel so much better and I know it’s a feeling that’s to stay. My acceptance happened to be release and acknowledgement to myself. No matter how many times I cried, got angry, cried, thought things through, read, or published a set of words. I didn’t feel any better before I realized I, I don’t know what I realized. Honestly. I just woke up feeling calm and at peace after I rearranged myself. I’ve elevated to a new realm of self that I’m excited to experience.

I feel as if the most effective advice was silly, I talk to an 87 year old man almost 5 days out of the week for like a hour. What made him start a conversation with me was the fact I was “pretty” to him yet my face gave off a feel of something being off balanced. Which is funny because for the whole year mainly strangers have been asking me “what’s wrong?” even homeless people who would pass by me. Anyways, Norton and I only converse about life from what we know or what we think we know, as well as what we see. One day he brought up that “writing” ruined his life. He said something along the lines of “when you’re constantly aware of the everything you try to constantly make sense of it and you can’t separate life from logic.” So he stopped writing when he realized it influenced him to isolated everything & everyone that didn’t make sense to him. I’m not going to stop writing, POINT IS, on another occasion he said something else such as “you look like you think a lot. Every time I see you you’re thinking, stop thinking.” Which was dumb because I found myself thinking about not thinking every day since that came out of his mouth. On top of if he’d see me he’d remind me to stop thinking and then just walk off. I think, no pun intended, two days before Christmas I woke up & said “well whatever, what happens from here on out is just gonna have to happen.” On some “later loser” type shit just speaking generally and I can’t say that wasn’t the cherry on top. I still think of course, more wisely that is…on top of I don’t think about the past because what’s done is done I can’t change it no matter how much sense I try to make out of it, I “focus” only on the future, not even the present really… I barely think about the future I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s beautiful feeling.

I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s a beautiful feeling.

The end.

DON’T DRINK & DRIVE YOU SELFISH SHIT FACE BASTARDS.

Also! Be safe and enjoy the new year with loved ones only. Good energy xoxo.