It’s all apart of the process.

Sadness.

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THE SAD CLOWNS CLUB

 

Sad – an adjective –

  1. Feeling or showing; unhappy.
  2. Causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable.

I’ve been paying attention to how it feels to be sad, which might not be so good because what if I’m just dwelling in sadness to figure out how to surpass it.. then again I might really just be sad so therefore it’s no surpassing it, yet.

The days I’m not sad I’m nothing.

The days I’m sad, I’m sad, just not as sad as usual.

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instagrams from left to right: @maya_breaux @witcholliegirll @dsouf.honey @tipwitdasauce @goldennai_

I’ve been riding out my feelings this year which has been, terribly overwhelming.. I know for a fact I suppress my emotions which is probably the real reason I don’t know how to deal with them entirely.

The sad days will soon dissipate I’m sure, it’s just getting through them instead of going around them that has been an extremely tedious process.

You know we try to put time caps on situations as such for instance. 2019 means something will improve and although something will, I don’t like the sound of waiting until 2019 to fix my mood essentially. Not only is that just a month and a half away if it’s that simple I should be able to wake up tomorrow new, which is why I said maybe it’s not too good of idea to dwell on the idea of being sad because I’m literally becoming what it is to be sad. I should also accept that if it takes me until mid fall 2019 to feel less emotionally pathetic because I finally decided to embrace my feelings and not question them always in a negative fashion 2019 was still a good year. Oppose to thinking something monumental should happen the second week of 2019… and if that’s the case I still have a month left in 2018 to make something positive within me “pop off”. Overall I’m just going through a phase of learning myself throughout disappointments, I’ll get over it soon realistically speaking and eventually the sad days won’t be as continuous.

I don’t know man. I don’t. I do but I just feel like it shouldn’t be as deep as it actually is…to me and not completely “accepting” the fact some stuff is actually that deep. In a sense after it gets way easier to adapt to the feeling of sadness even if you sincerely dislike it because you become familiar with it. You become so familiar with it that you aren’t fully comfortable with the good days, you no longer know how to feel good, or even when you finally feel good you get thrown off by reoccurring misfortune.

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\\ “Love letters to give you feels, anti-love letters to give you chills.” // Photo Credit IG: @Rein.glitter | Makeup Credit IG: @Sleepygirlbri

Back to the days I’m not sad:

The days I’m not sad, I’m kind of mildly angry.

The days I’m not sad.. I’m not happy either.

On the bright side! I still have my personality and I’m appreciative of that.

all of this is just all apart of a process.

 

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

Unapologeticness or Unapologeticmess

post 19

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Am i sorry for how i feel? Probably not, it’s how i feel. I know that sound very selfish but I’ve learned how to accept it because other people speak how they feel and do what they desire to do while “I” as an individual take it upon myself NOT to get extremely upset with a person and their feelings, thoughts of life but just remove myself instead if necessary. We’re free people/individuals/different/one of one or at least I am.

essentially i believe if i can others can to so no matter what i do … say.. or portray myself shouldn’t have anything to do with you if you don’t incorporate yourself in it.

Conflicted because I don’t know if I’m defending the ones we consider dickheads but at the same time I feel as if “it is what it is” a wise one once said “If it wasn’t for Villains it would be no Heroes”

Growing up I either heard or read “stand up for what you believe in even if you’re standing alone” I decided to incorporate that into my moral compass, mind you goes it both ways for anyone opposing you but I also feel as if you can waste your time if the person isn’t willing to be wrong or whatever the case may be. I write and I usually write from a perspective that’s not really respected because we relate to ourselves and it makes me realize life is a big contradiction among itself. We make decisions based off circumstances which is probably why my character is always on my mind so I can always be assure I’m sticking to “one side” of things to not seem flip floppy when indeed, it is what it is.. That’s where the “MESS” comes in.

Getting older I’m noticing the same reason people love me, respecting the theory of principle; standing by my feelings or thoughts; protecting what means to me. Happens to be the same reason they hate me especially if it doesn’t apply to their lifestyle per say. People disregard the power of the mind when they are set in stone, all this applies to those who read this and go against me or use their unapologeticness for what they deem “good” when really it’s only good for them and those who relate (sounds familiar?).

I also understand that some people present very very “incorrect” opinions about life but at the same time I’m content being aware they feel as such to know to stay away from them.

If people didn’t voice their feelings as such we’d be blind to how people sincerely feel! Regardless of how it effects me emotionally I just have to understand how they think or what made them feel as such.

I’m one to also have conversations with those who oppose me to understand their p.o.v BUT! without the intentions of starting an argument.

Overall am I d*ckhead or? I mean I don’t publicly voice to a person or try not at least, voice that a persons opinions is causing them to be less of a person. I’m getting tired of apologizing about how I feel even though I watch people present their opinions as facts while I’m just stating my perception as an opinion. After all if we’re being as technical as we’re becoming your opinion might be a fact to YOU, according to you! Therefore my opinion is also a fact…because it’s true to me.

I’ll be sure to update you when I find a correct balance that’s morally correct, even though sometimes doing the right thing isn’t “Morally” correct let alone “Politically” correct.

P.S No this is not directed to give Nazis, Rapist, Homophones, or any other of that BULLSHIT! A self righteous pass, Matter of fact I don’t even know why you’re here.

XOXO – Wishing Peace! Joy! & Prosperity!

Embracing Yourself, Learning Yourself

I really do not have “advice” at this time just perspective

I’m doing what I do to the best I can.

I love myself, I’m not completely sure why yet, like I’m aware of my wonderful character.

Am I sure truly sure of myself?

Am I sincerely embracing myself If I’m still worried about how others, will, perceive me?

I wouldn’t say I second guess myself for validation from others but for their comfort. Whenever

I consider “what if they don’t like me?” often enough to reconsider how I express myself, how I go about my appearance, or even just reconsidering my choices for the comfort of others. I’ve noticed that no one ever notices or says thank you. “Thank you for restructuring yourself to make sure i’m comfortable even though you might not be.” Conflicted often because I don’t necessarily care about how a person perceives me, especially if they don’t ask clarifying questions straight from the source(me), but also realizing maybe I care to much about myself caring about if I care about how a person perceives me at all. Maybe the problem is people don’t see me how I see myself and that’s deeper than any appearance discrepancy. They don’t see what I have to offer to the world as an individual & the fact how I choose to present myself for myself can detour what others think of me might actually be what bothers me. Single handed appearance and character are intertwined invalidly because you look like “this” you must feel as “that” and that’s usually never the case. It bothers me that a person might not give me a chance regarding anything because I might not meet their idea of attractiveness or express myself through my appearance correctly to them. It’s hard finding balance for something you don’t even feel the need to balance. It’s even harder having to always prove yourself that you are what you know you are but people just refuse to see it.

My overall conclusion is I just have to steady remind myself that not everybody is going to like all aspects of me and that’s fine. Those who don’t but still desire to see the good in me I’ll always appreciate. Those who love me unconditionally forever I love back but regardless of any feelings towards me I must stay true to me.

Now I’m living.

Connections.

Post 18

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

“My drawings represent how we fear things that are foreigner to us. I drew the full body without skin because it’s kinda like we have to peel ourselves back to see what’s there.” FTOT: @Solosherrell

We learn a little something something from everybody.

Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly it creates a learning experience that connects you and that person together for the rest of your lifetime.

or at least I like to think so…

Maybe it’s just my optimism that makes me think in such a way but I can’t say it doesn’t help me when it comes to becoming resentful in certain instances.

  • The Ugly: is usually unasked for truths. Overall you should always respect that the truth that was brought to you and especially told to you because that means they trusted you in some way. Just think of it as the lemons before we make lemonade. We either learn how to adapt or just take into consideration and move forward even though it’s not initially. what we thought independently.
  • The Good: is copacetic behavior easy going living you find captivating and incorporate into your own lifestyle.
  • The Bad: my personal favorite, is anything unfavorable to you. I say it’s my favorite because it usually is the real teacher you get a new concept of a person. You get to experience how the butterfly effect works; because of this, a persons does this, causing you to do that. It lets who you know how to respect different kinds of individuals in a sense without the hate.
“This one is symbolizing a damaged person that is happy” FTOT: @Solosherrell

Because of how the brain works regarding memory, when you grasp all this stuff and go to use it you trigger where you learned it from. So therefore if you picked up something from another person you will always refer back to them or the experience whether you’re fond of it or not. A great example is how we pick up speech patterns from another person. Like I stated previously you learn something in every instance it’s just up to you to consider them lessons and take what you can from it.

P.S Don’t take stuff so personal UNLESS! You’re for certain something was done with cruel intentions , somethings’ are just bad habits we develop overtime, we all have one.. maybe some.

The cover is from the movie “Extremely loud and incredibly close”

Forgetness

Post 13

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity. 

It’s easy to comprehend the purpose of the phrase “forgive and forget” but how easy is it to do? Is Forgiveness more essential when living peacefully oppose to forgetting? Which is more important Forgiveness or Forgetting? Is a grudge caused by not forgetting or lack of forgiveness? 

You can love a person but hate what they did

I figured forgiveness is important because the only heart that’s filled with sorrow is your own. It is its own independent structure that only has to do with you, your mind, and your soul. Forgiving is more psychological than forgetting regarding an emotional aspect. Never let a person persuade your forgiving into condoning the actions of the offender. 

Nine times out of ten when you think about it your “forgiveness” Isn’t as important as “forgetting” to the other party. Not many people see their faults within problems they just look pass any deformed self characteristics, especially if they aren’t usually addressed, because they seen no problem to begin with. As long as you have forgotten what was done it’s a more secure feeling of relief. 

I believe forgetfulness can cause problems because it’ll make the toxins within your life feel as if they can repeat fraud actions. To forget means “to fail to remember” with that mind frame it’s easier to justify why the same mistake could possibly be done again. 

Theoretically speaking forgiveness & forgetting don’t go together. In the perfect world it would be sensible because insulting ones intelligence wouldn’t be done so frivolously. So the saying “Fool me once shame on you. ” would stop after the first fool because you wouldn’t put to much pass the other person out of the generosity of your heart due to the fact you wouldn’t want to be fooled again. 

Overall forgiving is for the soul & forgetting is for reassurance. It’s okay not to forgive if you aren’t comfortable doing so and it’s okay to always remember what caused you some form of grief so you won’t have to relive it. 

Here’s a song to go with the Content you just read.  4:44 – Jay Z