love – LEARN AS YOU LIVE

May the bridges i burn forever light the way.

I got a fucked up fetish of enjoying fucking with people.

My whole perception of love is romanticized karmic soul ties, it had nothing to do with self and I want better for myself. I’m bored, I’m tired, I’m selfish, and I don’t give a fuck.

I mentioned before it’s something gratifying about knowing someone don’t like you, or won’t admit it but won’t leave you alone. Very egotistical, I know, but to say it hasn’t effected me … it hasn’t. I can go back to my ways but I want to experience something new [which is probably just myself] the gratification has dissipated because I’m all money in…fatuated with myself. I’m fully aware the young men I have dealings with don’t give a fuck about me because that’s how I present myself. They probably think I don’t give a fuck about much of anything outside of music and shit I don’t know. Which wouldn’t be to far from the truth but that doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention and I’m not accountable, and that’s where things become a conflict of interest.

I’m hard to understand solely because people don’t want to be understanding is all.

The power I have, I don’t even know why I hold some kind of artificial importance in people lives [or maybe that’s how I perceive it]. It’s probably nothing of the sort except availability to be convenient. How “embarrassing”.

Let me tell you the first dealing with a young man I had I was fucking ghosted for reasons unknown. We’ve found our way back to each other per usual because I’m always available and over standing. But the way that influenced me; I’ve adjusted to lack of communication to where I’m just passive …and rarely aggressive and that is developed by considering bad habits from those I dedicate myself too. I’ve learned how to read between the lines of a book with no fucking words and that’s so pathetic. But that’s what I’ve grown to like.

Second instance was years later and an actual relationship. Wow, to be in love with the idea of what being in love feels like. I don’t regret it but as time has passed, and being essentially ghosted again by a completely different person, a more important person. I have figured out I was just a saving grace to aid in separation of a lack luster relationship, I was oblivious to, because I don’t ask questions, I don’t make comments, and my trust for people leads me to have no concerns. It’s a butterfly effect. So that stroked my ego even more so.. I helped teach someone how to love so they could love someone else correctly…outside of just extending myself once again to over stand why people are how they are. Kudos to fucking me.

I’m always making excuses for— including myself, I’m always trying to understand, I like dancing with the devil cause it keeps me on my toes, I like how it feels being warm from playing with fire, I liked being on someone’s mind but their last concern. As you get older you realize you’re just growing into looking for what you can’t put your finger on for self satisfaction. I must obviously feel not important at all to look at being convenient as a necessity instead of a amenity! It’s crazy. I’m learning though and it’s causing me to hide because I don’t give a fuck about nobody or anything except myself. Ironically I feel good. I feel self dependent. I feel like to be in my 20s and being selfishly selfless was just me being mildly manipulative. I feel like I am completely fucked and probably made to just learn as I live.

If I don’t know nothing else, I know I’m honest, aware, and nothing gets better unless you make it better. So I’ve been putting in effort to fixing myself. I’m over here irritated because I feel miserable and unsatisfied by my own self inflected agony. I’m fixing it though. I hope.

Wrote that under the full moon on the 31st and it’s my favorite thing to read at this time

May the bridges I burn forever light the way in my self discovery. Just thought I’d share my feelings since I’m willing.

Wishing everybody peace x joy x and prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty xoxo

No Title

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who couldn’t care less, I respect you.

I don’t completely know why I love, let alone how I do. As I write I realize I love because I know how it feels to not have, experience, or feel love and knowing my love can be for someone to have, experience, or feel warms my heart it really does. I also know my love isn’t distributed evenly I LOVE the misunderstood, the bad, the unorthodox which is what the world seems not to appreciate. Love is love to me it should be unconditional and I mean that with no guilt. I can learn from what a person deems as ” bad”.. I want to know why it’s so bad it doesn’t “deserve” love of any sort and that teaches me how to give it in many different circumstances because I can understand. As I write some more I realize knowing what I love, my emotions, the appreciation for my love can all get taken away brings me comfort since I’m use to disappearance. “Love” I always liked the idea of “Love” in all aspects of life but never took the time to live it..watching “love” during my years of growth I noticed people aren’t sincere with it and that brings the shock value down, if you aren’t sincere with it leave it alone. Being aware I’m putting something so pure into the universe unconditionally for others at the sake of myself ,sometimes, leaves me satisfied. Which sums it all up as “I love because it can bring me pain I use as growth to become better; newer while knowing someone took what I willingly gave does something for me”. I love because truthfully love can be so Painful but having the power to know I also won’t become a victim of it if I do not see the purpose in doing so keeps me aware I’m in control of me.

It’s easy. To easy. It’s convenient, It captures authentic anger, It’s an easy way for me to express I feel disrespected. It can sometimes be a natural reaction, It’s easy… It’s … convenient.

I stress I was on the fence about being a fan of “XXXTENTACION” being a person that separates artist from art… their art is how they release themselves, I can’t really take that from someone, I couldn’t find myself to stop listening to his music. After I found out he was an Aquarius, born a day after me, I took the time to really go back and learn about the young man the best I could. Which gave me a lot of clarity on his actions, he was vocal about how his mind worked, and he had pride..therefore I found myself “understanding him instead of making judgement” and I don’t regret that.

When I first watched the video I watched it just to see this young man, then I watched it again to really watch it, then I watched it again because I couldn’t answer these question honestly in my own head..which is where I should be the most comfortable, then I watched it again to finish assuring I comprehended it , then I watched it again to make sure I saw what I seen and comprehended what I understood, and I did all this crying because I felt bad for myself and him. Jahseh, X, was able to capture the dark truth which is something I more than appreciate and it encouraged/encourages me to be honest. We all go through trials and people try to sugar coat their vices to avoid embarrassment and critique and sometimes that’s what we need. It took his mistakes to be publicized and him to be crucified for him to really understand that he might not have understood. Mass majority of the world didn’t acknowledge that, mass majority of the world does not look at anything as a butterfly effect as in; because of this it’s that; because of that there is this .. and that is like that because possibly! It’s more than one way to live, learn, and grow. His growth was cut short and it bothers me, honestly, I know I went thru different levels of growth, anger, isolation to be who I am right now & I’m not done. So to see his effort went unappreciated to some, many, which I can’t imagine how discouraging that could be because 1 single person can mess us up mentally and slow you down. Picture thousands if not millions of people reminding you that you can’t become better to assure the same mistakes stop reoccurring while trying to become the person they want you to be. All of this ties into me because I can relate to the theory of growing and becoming in touch with new perspectives and I had to learn that not everyone grows at the same time and if you arent willing to help someone who is willing to help themselves then you contribute to the problem.. XXXTENTACTION death showed me everyone has deep-rooted hate in them, well solidified the idea, and I’m here walking among these same people trying to assure myself it’s nothing wrong with me for being able to speak on MYSELF truthfully regarding the good, bad, and ugly while people are in denial about their own truths.

I’m not forcing fandom onto anyone who can couldn’t care less, I respect you I’m just displaying how I learn as I live.

I’d love to know why you love and why you hate. You can message me personally or comment

XOXO

LONG LIVE XXXTENTACION MAY HE REST IN PEACE

That Same Person

Find, or better yet come across a soul that gives you the courage to help you embrace what you dislike the most about yourself while also loving you as is.

Are you what you attract?

Be that person you always wanted someone else to be with you. Embrace a person as much as they embrace you! Love that person more than you love you, use the courage they instilled in you to build up that same person.

Do We Deprive Ourselves Love By Not Disregarding What We Love

What is compromising? Is it an essential in a relationship? Can your relationship succeed without compromising with your partner? Do you agree with the “You must Take it or Leave it?”

How can you balance loving more than one thing ? I’m not referring to the love of a parent verses who you’re in a relationship with. I’m saying can you love “partying” for instance as much as you love your partner? It’s been many breakups due to the fact “they loved ___ more than they loved me” and I think if you feel such a way don’t make the person balance their lifestyle just accept it or move on. I’m sure it wouldn’t be any hard feelings after a while understand the loved one may not feel that the balance is important but I also feel as before you entered the relationship you knew and still decided to become “one” with the them. Meaning you were accepting.

As if … you would compromise.

Now don’t think the person who doesn’t want to necessarily “compromise” isn’t going through a battle themselves. They have to debate whether or not they want to balance their love life with the stuff they love or do they want to finish loving what they desire guilt-free. “Do they love what they love enough to not care about receiving love from another person. Ultimately the answer is what many people are scared to do, which is end it. As time progressed it was written somewhere in the rules of life that we must eventually settle down. We must “settle” Without any logical explanation besides to finish help populating the world and keeping humanity alive.

I believe in being selfish, nonetheless especially in predicaments like these, because who has your back more than you? It’s important not to lose touch with what you love because then you’ll be miserably in love and that’s not what love is about. If it’s “destined” to be then all will work out, an unconditional balance will be created, and all aspects are to be respected. That’s the true kind of balance and the real meaning of compromising.

To close out I advise you to go listen to “PRIDE” by Kendrick Lamar off his Latest Project “DAMN.”

Love is all about willingness

Post 10

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity.

Are you willing to sacrifice your own sanity to conform so who you’re in love with is satisfied ? Is it selfish to not want to?

Willingness is slightly different from being selfless, Willingness is a noun regarding the QUALITY or state of being prepared to do something; readiness. While selflessness was addressed in a previous post, Selflessness is an adjective meaning one can be more CONCERNED with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own: unselfish. Personally I would consider Willingness just the ability to know you’re in control of what you decide to tolerate and whether you even want to tolerate it.

When you’re in love it’s a necessity you compromise, right, and along with compromising comes tolerance and the fine line between the two gives you willingness, tolerance revolves around being annoyed but the good outways the bad so the time spent being uncomfortable is….what you can say “alright”, you can complain but choose not to.

I believe that people adapted to taking your willingness for granted but it’s your will, so realistically you’re not selfish you’re just doing what you desire to do.

Understand that a person can be willing but they can just as tired and eventually the willingness will not exist so don’t try to manipulate it, to balance it out and do not take take take I encourage you be considerate. To be willing is not to mind the hurt, be okay with the truth regardless of how displeasing it can be, and always keep the well being of yourself in mind.

Learn to mind your business, you are your own person who consider different things to be “acceptable” oppose to the next person. I’m reminding you of this because people give themselves the right to determine how the next person should react to life and your concern might just be appreciated but understand that’s all it will ever be sometimes. The advice, opinion, or whatever it is does not effect the lifestyle of a person who see nothing wrong with how they are living. Mind your business!

What people don’t tell you about loving yourself.

My biggest fear is to love someone more than I love myself.

Once you adapt to loving yourself unconditionally you fall deeply in love with who you are. Even though that might just sound like the life to live you don’t realize how much of a box you place yourself in! You feel like people can never give you the love you give yourself, so what do you need them for? Which is extremely sensible but the unfortunate part is you cut developing a bond people short without knowing a potential outcome. You feel like “If you cause me stress I don’t cause myself why would I want you in my life.” I’ve come to grips with acknowledging how unrealistic that mind frame is due to the fact every relationship has its cloudy days. Yet and still, I’ll live.

When you love yourself you don’t look for validation of yourself in others! You aren’t exactly what people would call self-centered but you know what works for you and how your vibe flows. I’m not saying you feel like you’re better than the next person, it’s just all about self-respect. So much time has been invested into yourself you don’t have time to waste on anything not contributing to the bettering of you.

After a while you become okay with the fact you might just be single for the rest of your life because its like you can finish living carelessly when it comes to another persons feelings. BUT at least you have yourself. Oppose to living life with the mind frame of “what if” or simply settling for less because that’s what’s around at the moment. If you stay true to yourself you’ll always have a piece of mind to hold when in distress, the opinion of yourself is not compromised because you are fully aware of the truth.

For as many pros it is it’s also cons and they are all developed psychologically because you love you. When you love yourself you become overprotective you constantly remind yourself how much you owe yourself to always stay true to your own decisions. You hope people understand where you’re coming from even though you don’t care because in your head you know what you mean, you see the potential within yourself. Under the circumstances of no one besides yourself is any change involved knowing change could be great only in the process of overtime growth oppose to someone demanding a change to benefit them.

Even though you know what’s wrong & what’s right your actions are souly to accommodate you & you become real unapologetic for it.

Selfish or Selfless

Aloof – (a•loof) Adjective, Not Friendly or Forthcoming; cool and distant.

“They were courteous but faintly aloof.”
An informal way to call someone aloof is “Standoffish”

I wonder are you born in such a solemn state of living or is it something you develop over time. From a personal stand point I definitely feel like I developed an unemotional lifestyle regarding things an average person would’ve consider sentimental from trials and tribulations such as Friendly Rejection or not having a close knit family, after repeated unacceptance from peers you start to keep to yourself & self reflect, resulting in bettering yourself. When your family isn’t typically “close” certain things just don’t bother you for instance … When Holidays come around I’m in a cool but distant state of mind since it’s only my mother, sister and an occasional cousin here and there, I love them everyday so my love doesn’t increase during the end of year, there is no reason. A con to this is you feel like everyone should relate to your lifestyle of not being emotionally attached all the time, and that’s the selfish perspective. For example I’m good for feeling like “If it doesn’t bother me it damn sure shouldn’t have bothered you” therefore I won’t necessarily care about the other persons feelings regarding the situation because it’s not a big deal theoretically. I also feel as if that characteristic makes me a more solid individual because my actions aren’t based on emotion but solely my personal preference when it comes to decision making.

Magnanimous – (Mag•nan•I•mous) Adjective, Vey Generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than ones self.

“Her magnanimous contributions to the art world.”

Selfless, hopeless but not regarding yourself, selfless because you cater to others. Someone’s presences can bring you so much happiness you never want to miss spending anytime with them. The love for someone/something takes all of you literally, you become more concerned on something that’s not you … you don’t know who you are anymore, but that’s fine! Selflessness can be beautiful because you aren’t looking for anything back it’s unconditional willingness but it’s also like “Are you even happy?” Internally. Which can be addressed later because it’s not about you, it’s about them. You can even want the best for someone more than they want it for themselves because you see the potential in them outside looking in not realizing all it is … is … potential. You’re living off hopes and dreams but you know dreams come so it’s all good.

How do you balance out two personas like that regarding a love life? How do you balance out the two personas when it comes to general living? Which one is worst?

Problems & Selfless – PND

Shihan- This type of love (Def Jam Poetry)

Friendly Rejection

As years progress You can tell which friendships grow on you in positive and negative aspects.

When I say friendly rejection I’m not talking about being “Friend Zoned”. I’m referring to the attempts of building bonds with people and you guys just don’t relate or they might not see the coolness you see in yourself.

1. Weird – Suggesting something is supernatural; Uncanny.

People use the term weird wrong all the time, just because someone doesn’t fit in with you appearance wise or morally doesn’t mean they’re “supernatural” just simply different that’s all. People see you dancing to the beat of your own drum and think you’re weird because you give off your own type of energy. I’ve been called weird all my life & I used to think it was so bad like “ew what the fuck, never” but I just realized it’s not bad at all I’m “Weird” and you’re “Regular” you are what we call predictable, I would be concerned if I was you, you have no Za Za Zu! I didn’t have that mindframe previously though so I spent like 2 years fixing myself appearance wise especially to fit in… to nothing ! I look back like WHAT THE FUCK was so important in copying people that didn’t even acknowledge the fact I tried to adapt to their way of living to be their friend, on top of the fact I have surpassed more than most of them in my life, anyways.

2. Annoying – causing irritation or annoyance.

I was always the annoying friend from multiple aspects which is kind of intriguing. I was either annoying because I was to “mothering” but I mean I can’t help it if I want the best for you, I consider you … my friend. Then I would be annoying in an obnoxious manner but I always considered that as a form of mild, unaccepted, admiration meaning I love you, I want to be around you, you are cool to me! I LIKED YOU! Eventually you learn to back off no matter how much you either want to intervene because you know the person can do better than they are producing or be in someone’s presence because they make you sincerely happy.

3. Independent – Free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority.

When you are not easily influenced by others they stay away from you, and when you’re younger you wonder “what’s the problem? We can still be cool” but what you don’t realize is technically you’re no use to them if you aren’t willing to be a test dummy, which is totally fine by me. “Stand up for whatever you believe in even if you’re standing alone.” & I put this to help justify the importance of you believing in yourself unapologetically, so make sure your well being mentally & physically are okay because you’re able to live at your own desired discretion. If someone can’t respect you as a person along with your mindframe you don’t need them in your life anyways.

It took me a while to pay attention to this type of stuff because I had no choice but to enjoy the company of myself on many occasions, and with doing that it gives you time to simply self reflect and learn yourself. I appreciate the people who never cared to be my friend after a long struggle of me trying because it showed me to give everyone a chance UNLESS something that crosses the line happens then I can’t associate with you anymore, but that’s a given. It’s no telling how much someone wants you in their life and just because you don’t have too much in common I don’t think you should necessarily ignore them, hear them out have simple conversations… adapt a new way of thinking it’ll open your mind in a very positive way.