[Edit: I wrote this while I was in the middle of having a breakdown and asked myself “what’s wrong?” I couldn’t actually get it out I just cried more. Which is why it’s written in the present and present WITH explanation because I won’t actually be editing it, just showcasing this “growth” I talk about.]
Twenty 18 was full of disappointment for me. I’ve probably never been so disappointed, maybe I have but it just didn’t sit with me for so long. On top of the disappointment of self from being disappointed, finally coming to grips with particular issues was something by itself. It was just a tremendously hard year for me as a person. It didn’t start marvelously, it has ended on a much better note as I’ve taken the time to learn new ways of “acceptance”. Although one thing I probably hated the most was not having control over my emotions like I’m used to.
I talk about “relearning the self” often and that’s not easy. All my focus went to the “why?” Aspect of everything trying to make sense of what the universe had going on from a one sided perception, myself.
I’ve cried a lot of tears, none that felt of any meaning just more of emphasis that I feel pretty bad for myself right now.
I actually wanna be left alone for a period of time to become back sure of who I am because at this time I just don’t know. A lot of stuff I’ve been doing which I once enjoyed is purely a distraction of agony. Again I say all this and it just blows me! I’m more than sure I can figure my feelings and self out I just need to find a suitable way to approach it that’s good for me. which I think is alone time under no “pressure” mixed with a lot of selfishness.
I’m learning as I’m living. I’m living while I’m learning. Flowing.
I thank music.
As of now
It was a lot of tears within that first half. Along with the intentions of moving forward in pure isolation.
I genuinely feel so much better and I know it’s a feeling that’s to stay. My acceptance happened to be release and acknowledgement to myself. No matter how many times I cried, got angry, cried, thought things through, read, or published a set of words. I didn’t feel any better before I realized I, I don’t know what I realized. Honestly. I just woke up feeling calm and at peace after I rearranged myself. I’ve elevated to a new realm of self that I’m excited to experience.
I feel as if the most effective advice was silly, I talk to an 87 year old man almost 5 days out of the week for like a hour. What made him start a conversation with me was the fact I was “pretty” to him yet my face gave off a feel of something being off balanced. Which is funny because for the whole year mainly strangers have been asking me “what’s wrong?” even homeless people who would pass by me. Anyways, Norton and I only converse about life from what we know or what we think we know, as well as what we see. One day he brought up that “writing” ruined his life. He said something along the lines of “when you’re constantly aware of the everything you try to constantly make sense of it and you can’t separate life from logic.” So he stopped writing when he realized it influenced him to isolated everything & everyone that didn’t make sense to him. I’m not going to stop writing, POINT IS, on another occasion he said something else such as “you look like you think a lot. Every time I see you you’re thinking, stop thinking.” Which was dumb because I found myself thinking about not thinking every day since that came out of his mouth. On top of if he’d see me he’d remind me to stop thinking and then just walk off. I think, no pun intended, two days before Christmas I woke up & said “well whatever, what happens from here on out is just gonna have to happen.” On some “later loser” type shit just speaking generally and I can’t say that wasn’t the cherry on top. I still think of course, more wisely that is…on top of I don’t think about the past because what’s done is done I can’t change it no matter how much sense I try to make out of it, I “focus” only on the future, not even the present really… I barely think about the future I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s beautiful feeling.
I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s a beautiful feeling.
DON’T DRINK & DRIVE YOU SELFISH SHIT FACE BASTARDS.
Also! Be safe and enjoy the new year with loved ones only. Good energy xoxo.