Depression: Nobody Cares About Me

This is written in present tense, because I didn’t take the time to edit it. I wrote this January 31 and just held onto it, published “I might be!…the problem” instead for the month of February.

I know I’m loved and I know if I felt like voicing that I feel like nobody cared about me; my loved ones would be concerned, apologetic, or like “bye” so I keep it to myself — even though it’s how I feel because psychologically I just know it’s not ME feeling such a way. But I do.

I be depressed, sometimes.
the point here is an example of mind vs emotion & how it effects me, sometimes. I don’t know what people think when they think about depression but…

The month of January has been good to me but also empty. I started the month sad. I even snapped on a few people who wouldn’t just let me accompany my misery in solitude(selective isolation).
I like to isolate myself at times like this because it’s just easier than explaining some shit that doesn’t make sense[like this blog post]. So I don’t come across as selfish to those who enjoy my presence while also not wanting to “worry” because times like these go just as much as they come.

Anyways, stuff started lightening up for me and I’ve been eating! Which is big for someone who eats a meal like every 36 hours if not 1x a day. So to see myself “fill out” helped encourage me to continue to eat which made me happy, I thought.

And I must mention I’m writing this very disappointed in the unpredictable sadness getting ready to sink in.
I’m starting to slow down, I’m getting angry, and I’m eating less…

NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME:

To be easily irritated, loved, and also aware you can’t control how you feel about certain things. For example, I genuinely feel like nobody cares about me (at this time) regardless of any effort to counter my feelings & it’s very unfortunate. [The battle of self awareness to where I know not to take it personally annoys me.]

It’s makes me upset that I feel like “nobody cares about me” while also knowing any interaction with others has the potential to drive me mad. Why am I like this? I have no answer, it’s no answer. Or to even depend on isolation because I don’t care to say “hey! I need some extra love, kindness, or what-fucking-ever” because WHY?????? WHY DO I???

To know people want to love me yet the idea overwhelms me which makes me avoid the interaction truly bothers me because it can solve how I’m feeling.

To know the nothing that is wrong with me is something propels me downward even more, I just woke up and gradually started feeling like this.

In my mind “nobody cares about me” which feeds into an underlying sadness that’s always on standby. That results in me thinking more than I feel > forgetting to eat > not having the stamina for basic self care > having so much on my mind to the point I can’t focus, listen, or even enjoy.

Then it leaves and I’m okay again 🙂

I hate the passive aggression.
I hate feeling pressured to commit to daily life task while feeling down and out because my sadness doesn’t outshine the show that’s must go on.
I hate training or having to remind myself to calm down because I don’t feel … yet want to and since I can’t, I decide to feel fury?
I hate trying my best to not feel defeated by myself. It’s just so much anger and irritation beyond my control.

As you can see here I was so so so angry, which is 1) normal for me when the switch flips but was driven by feeling uncared about. Which was unsolicited and probably my fault because some source of sadness that translates as irritation… & doesn’t allow me to be receptive of interaction unless I FEEL LIKE IT. Which is incredibly one sided. Crazy.

That’s it, it was no way to conclude the post because just as sporadic as this ended, everything that contributed to this post stops. It’s nothing to break down because it’s just not.

Disclaimer: I ask not to be checked on if you ever make it here[for future reference]. It’s not that serious because deep down I know my feelings are adjacent to “I’m tripping” but I just thought I’d share what depression can be for me at particular times + it’s effectiveness.

LOVE YALL THO! THANK YOU ❤

xoxo wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity always, all ways

I suppose knowing my feelings will go away eventually helps.

The Gift Of The Gab

I will admit for the last several years I’ve been manipulative. I have always been aware my words are powerful and I’ve been using my abilities to be a passive evil, to myself. As I write this I will say because of this I’ve probably been my own “successful” obstacle for dedicating authentic time to do what I’ll be explaining. Instead of working towards pushing my heartfelt words for what they are.

Thankfully we live and we learn! And we learn as we live

So lets get to it!

I use the power of the tongue to…. wait. Manipulate is a Verb that means 1) “handle or control (a tool or mechanism) typically in a skillful manner. 2) “control or influence (a person) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.”

I think people sometimes mistake manipulation for gratitude

I guess you could say I use both definitions for two different instances; milking the white “corporate” man of course [I encourage everybody to do that]

And…

LOVE

That’s right. I will admit I use to manipulate conversations in order to get who I wanted and granted “don’t we” or really we all do, but I’m willing to admit I wasn’t doing it out of pure love. I don’t think anybody does it out of purity though, more often than not we are infatuated with the idea of [whatever] in regards to the other person to satisfy us and everything negates from there. A problem I had with myself is I am fully aware of this but I conditioned myself to be spoiled after I realized with effort I could sway the result of if someone navigated towards me. So will I say I was intentional with it? Not…at first, but shit it’s effective so of course why not do the honors of doing it again.

Do I regret it? Not at all. I have learned a lot of my fake romantic travesties have been brought on by myself.
With this crude idea of basic targeted communication I believe it spills over into the idea of being selfless. Selflessness is a sacrifice of self which isn’t entirely clever but love has the potential to taint, so whatever.
We dedicate ourselves to another willingly but not out of kindness when we are selfless! We do with entitlement, because in the back of our mind we’re owed something for being something as simple as “understanding” in order to be understood in the long run! It’s always an ulterior motive.

You can’t script a scripper baby!!

Now as far as friendships go, I do nothing of the sort, which is probably why they have by far lasted longer than my romantic instances.

But like I was saying that is manipulative, of me, and because I would feel so entitled to someone being in my life because I PUT IN ALL THIS UNSOLICITED EFFORT. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I eventually became too tired to keep up with my charades and could not understand why the other party in which I essentially set up wasn’t receptive to leaving me alone. In which I understand because I set them to be there, I created the convenience of me being there, how dare I take that away because I outgrew the maintenance or grew up in general.

On top of having the nerve to feel like they were usually ungrateful of my efforts on some “no matter what I do to assure their comfort, they always leave” type shit. Like honestly it’s well deserved for all the effort I went through to assure a position I made for myself unprovoked in addition to all things!

And you know this probably all starts from me loving to flatter people. I love to flirt, I like to chase, or use to at least because now I simply don’t care. But it has to be some kind of sweet talker complex that I have never cared to research. “The power of the tongue” they say.

How will I drop the habit?
I’m leaving people alone. I want to just mind my business for a year before I try to romantically co exist with someone else. Granted I was the one doing the most, I have also been treated in a distasteful manner and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to take the time to self reflect and trust intuition. In my case all my “effort”, manipulation, just was frivolous grand gesture. I’m sure this will be difficult for me since like I mention I am a chaser but it’s going to be good for me. I’ll be able to experience purity or shit even serenity, and I’m not going to have to work so hard because of intrigue. All the time I’ve dedicated to assuring people in my life I will give to my words and advancing my craft. I’m excited for that.

Well that’s all my good people! Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity, always. All ways.
XOXO – Aunty

Serenity, Surrendering, Self Esteem

Life sucks sometimes and that’s it!

Yes we could do better but could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. At some point it’s just talk and it’s easier to talk rather than listen.

I had to let my ass hit the ground with open arms recently and it was important to feel how it felt to not be my own saving grace.

What does it mean to surrender? I suppose it’s different for everybody depending on what you happen to be defeated by but if I speak for myself I’d say:

“I be so scared of change because I mistake growth for lack of control.”

Consider me an unorthodox neat freak when it comes to my life. And I’ve seem to grow tired rather than thankful as of late.

To surrender is to allow what is meant. See when we think of surrendering we think of being defeated which has a negative connotation. It’s truly not that bad, once you get out of your head.

With defeat comes new learning techniques to assure you aren’t to be defeated again, repetitively.

So with that being said… if we don’t “surrender” or experience defeat we will never see past what we already know and you’re eventually going to be playing ring around the rosie with inadequacy.

I wanted more for myself, in which I know I deserve, but I didn’t want to be wrong about what I thought I knew best (which is funny because clearly it wasn’t working for me anymore.)

To surrender to me is to accept it is more to— to be embarrassed, to wake up miserable, and to understand what you feel today can be in contrast to how you feel tomorrow… long as you allow your emotions to emote.

Serenity! Within constant battle against intuition you’ll never know what peace feels like. You’ll only ever experience breaks. [courtesy of unwarranted break downs]

Self esteem.. GET OVER YOURSELF! Nobody is perfect and it’s no blueprint on how to be the “perfect” person [wholeheartedly], only how to better yourself, personally. Even people who portray themselves as the ultimate person makes mistakes behind closed doors…and if they don’t imagine the pressure placed upon them to just know without trial and error.
We’ve all fallen before and we all tend to get up after doing so regardless.

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Wasn’t that an awfully long way to say “to surrender means to live life” huh.

All in all just thought I’d share because why not? Until next time wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity, always. All ways. Xoxo -Aunty