I’m Doing Fine.

I’ve officially outgrown my desire for likes and all that superficial shit because what I put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. And that itself I’m thankful for.

I find myself stumbling across opportunities to work with and become friends with people who once inspired me, and that’s because of me as a person and my persistence. I feel like that’s enough honestly because I’m proud they see what they’ve contributed to. Especially while I feel like you can say I’m a “nobody” if you solely base my online presence over my ability to preform, which I understand if you do.

All in all I’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors for sure, in the very least, which is fine by me.

It’s a bigger everything to every action and I’m no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” because I’ve successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + everything else to co-exist in the world without expectation, which has humbled my disappointment and feeling of being “disregard”.

I’m chilling. I’m growing up. I’m learning. I still feel like I’m great but just don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know Ima be alright. I’m no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking”— resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what I, can, do! I’m excited and underwhelmed. I’m proud of me.

Like I say “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything. And everything isn’t meant for everybody” that’s the truth. It’s okay. It was a tweet (if I can find it I’ll link it) but it said something along the lines of “you become disconnected when you look at your talents as a commodity that’s not paying off.” And now that I’ve gotten over that… I feel more certain about what I’m doing and can’t wait to do more instead of feeling like I’m failing, I’m doing fine.

I feel back to normal, when I started all this I did it to get my feelings off mainly. I wanted to be open about not know, being wrong, and whatever else that comes with life and somewhere along the journey of just talking on the internet I got greedy. The society I was battling I joined forces with unintentionally and let it slow me down. And I had the nerve to allow it to make me question what I know best about myself. Being that I can write!!

Talk to y’all later! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways – Aunty

xoxo

Why Can’t I Preform While Not Under Pressure

Like the title says…

Why can’t I function when I’m not under pressure? I’m being a bit dramatic, I can function but the fact it’s nothing and my craftsmanship is based on ultimately the evolution of something… always happening. When nothing is going on I feel stuck.

I feel bored. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’m missing something else. It’s nothing to make happen. I ought of enjoy when peace stands still but look at me, trying not to stress because I’m not use to what it feels to be tranquil.

Maybe I should dedicate times like this to learn how to relax since I still haven’t seemed to make that one of my strong suits but instead I will solidify my month being “book & busy” in which I’m looking forward to. As I write I realize I’m beginning something new the month of September as well and I should take this time to transition forward clear minded. It’s something about moving like a madman that makes things more enjoyable to me because all in all I still managed to get “it” done. I wonder why ppl are so attached to struggle, black people/minorities that is..

I figure because it makes you seem like your work is more validated since it wasn’t easy to come by or that your actually working towards bettering something in whole whilst we don’t even know how to truly appreciate what better is; at least… I don’t clearly.

I’m trying though— with real efforts. Maybe I should also take this time to learn how to capture happyness and serenity in my literature. I’ve grown bored of writing about being sad all the time, I’m not sad all the time no more. And as of late I’ve been quiet but that’s because I don’t know how to put my peace into a perspective in which can be felt because I’m to busy waiting for it to leave instead of even feeling it to begin with it seems as I continue with this blog post.

I did find some time to write a poem a few days ago which I like honestly, it’s different from that particular narrative I hope you enjoy it as well!

Wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity. Always, All Ways xoxo!!!

⁃ Aunty

Desperation or Despair

What you think love is really don’t be all that it’s cracked up to be.

I was so eager for assurance that essentially didn’t mean a thing because “actions speak louder than words” you know. In hindsight to that the foundation of my craft and character is to be truthful, transparent, and whatever else which is backed by “words” & not my actions solely. I value my words more than the average person because my words represent who I am as a being. So imagine the conflict of interest when someone doesn’t pay attention to me voicing my intentions.

Anyways, I just thought about how I’m aware that interactions I have with particular people aren’t true yet it’s a part of me that wants a person to just understand that I over-stand everything they don’t see in me, desire, or adore but only enjoy on their terms. while what I can’t grasp is the power I have to be so important that I mean nothing.

I don’t understand why people lie to me, it’s not that serious from a standpoint of “I like you as an individual so aside from the lying to make sure I don’t leave you.. I would have never left to begin with” but maybe that’s the reason they lie. They aren’t ready for that truth from self and who am I to accept whatever they avoid for them.. so that probably freaks them out. I wonder is that some form of a coping mechanism?

I use to find myself wanting to prove that I was worthy of the “love”(admirable lust) someone never dedicated to me until they paid attention to the climax of my tiresome dedication as I start to become careless due to stagnant repetition. Which is a real “got cha” moment.

When I’m attentive I’m discounted. When I’m attentive I’m my truest.

Maybe I should learn to accept when my love is not meant for who I’d love to give it to.

I pay attention; I’m vocal

For example: it’s young men that ignore me right and maybe I’ve grown accustom to these actions because my love for outweighs the lack of respect for me. So I’ve adapted to loving if dedicated to desire but that’s not right when it’s not reciprocated.

All in all as time has progressed I don’t know if my “power” is their addiction to being able to disregard me as such or what while still being reliable if need be. Now that I’ve understood that instances and things aren’t as what we make them to be— I’ve grown unconcerned. I’ve got my attention and now I feel like neglect might be a “blessing in disguise”. To be neglected by, for me, is a subtle way of letting me know my presence isn’t important to and instead of trying to showcase dedication I should dedicate my attention to me and finish living instead of dwelling on.

People say “the heart wants what the heart wants” and I believe to have been interpreting that wrong. Or maybe I haven’t. It’s usually brought up to justify actions of love, good or bad, but as I’ve had time to think I believe my heart just wanted acceptance for a lack of words and that didn’t have anything to do with love from anyone except self. Along with respect, admiration, and truth so when you put it in that perspective I wasn’t yearning for the love from someone else I was playing a game with myself because everything I sought after was just justification that I wasn’t going to get unless I gave it to me.

Reflecting on this is interesting because I’m such a “I don’t deal with” ass person but realistically I am, I’ve been “dealing” with trying to understand why I’m so willing to be loved one-sidedly and that still not be enough. I guess it’s not strenuous when you don’t recognize what’s being essentially dealt with is also caused by you. Or even when you realize that you just don’t care because it could be worse. Or maybe you see a bigger picture that all has to do with you as an individual and not your counter which in my case are love interest for the most part.

Point is, I’ve outgrown being so willing I’m okay with getting nothing when I know I’m beneficial— least that can be done is affirmation of acknowledgement or a thank you but that’s my fault because in the back of my mind it was okay if they didn’t say thank you since that’s how they are and I love them for them. And NO, this doesn’t mean stop doing things out the kindness of your heart, and start looking for things in return. It means make sure you find a balance between doing and your extracurricular advances are being done on your own terms and being appreciated in the very least.

We as people, me specifically, I like to get things I can’t have, in theory, which fuels my undying despair I considered “passion” as well so I feel like it is time to drop that habit in order to move forward. Because the years of trials with self trying to figure out “what I lack” doesn’t equate to the temporary satisfaction of a “victory” in which is just someone finally caving in because they didn’t have any interest with me in the first place. The delusion!

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always. XOXO

⁃ Aunty

Subject: @marlomp3

FUCK COVID BITCH

THIS SHIT SUCKS!

I like being in my home but not confined to it. I have never felt so estrange emotionally and mentally on and off in such a short period of time in a very controllable way.

I’m growing anxious and eager to be back putting out into the real world. As for me doing creative things it’s different seeing people adapt to being in the house and becoming innovative. So In a way I feel/felt kind of bad for myself for not having the drive to do so as well but the thing about what I do is whether it be as simple as a few words.. I put out based on experience(I’m not experiencing anything in the house) + feeling. Luckily this social isolation shit allowed me to capture how it’s making me feel in a way that’s true to what I do regularly resulting in this sporadic read.

To say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is very accurate. I feel so stuck and the difference between this and a creative block is the fact actions from everyday life isn’t helping guide me since… everyday life has essentially stopped. At least when I’m at a pause I can continue to work towards (everything I put out is an expression of how I interpret life so I’m always bound to figure something out in order to flow again). In this case I can’t do anything but sit on ideas, visions, and hope to eventually see things I imagined because I’m not settling with what I can do when I’m fully aware it’s more to be done in order to execute properly. The feeling of intentionally not doing what you would like to, to assure you’re becoming better because you’re well and able while knowing you can’t be your best is doing something to me.

To think and truly comprehend the idea that I’m “nervous” from sitting in the house sounds wicked but I suppose it’s part of some overzealous process of making a “debut”, again, because I have been revitalizing my ability to put out new pieces and expand.

I was so happy to be finally expanding myself in different sectors of being creative and then life just froze. I HATE IT. In addition to being ardent in regards of when you get back to what you do best, it’s a possibility you lost it since realistically stuff won’t be the same. Although change and growth is good when it’s unprovoked/forced I’m realizing it is so WEAK to the point it’s unappreciated.

All Photos Were Taken By Seamscomplicated

Short Sermon: 8 Mile

I feel very powerful after I’ve expressed myself because I’ve basically put myself in a position of risky vulnerability, but since I established my feelings [by living in them] they can’t be held against me. Speaking my truth, the acknowledgment of my emotions, or just taking the time to voice myself without second guessing how I’m feeling to begin with all plays a role people probably write off unintentionally. Living in fear of, is how someone else might feel about the idea of feelings [that belong to them] which is kind of understandable but absurd if you really analyze it and it does you no justice in moving forward or learning if you purposely make the point to disregard. No one can make me feel as if my feelings are invalid because they’re already felt and established. No one can make me feel bad about how I’m feeling because I’ve done that for myself essentially; clearly I felt such a way but sometimes you wonder are the feelings being felt worth it. We tend to base it on circumstances that made us feel the particular way to begin with when what matters is you. We live without realizing how much power is given to someone/something over us oppose to being brave enough to live in your feelings un-apologetically, by giving yourself the strength you needed to get through whatever because you’ve already got through the hard part and that’s analyzing > understanding > feeling > understanding how you feel or setting a standard to make sure you don’t want to feel in particular again since that’s passive endurement doesn’t make you weak.

I’ve learned to embrace my feelings in a less of words because I feel proud I was able to get through it and then move on or revisit without feeling bad for myself.

I’m Confused.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m at with it at this time in my life. I feel good but I need something.. I just don’t know how I want to present myself as I continue to live. A part of me is kind of worried if I might do something wrong, but the other part of me trusts myself enough to feel like if I don’t take initiative for myself I’ll accidentally block things out of my life that I’m ready to experience yet indecisive If I’m ready for, aside from me wanting it. The ability to have the ultimate choice and the ability to wonder is where my dilemma lies.

The least of my concern is being understood at this time also. I can’t explain how I feel without sounding insane in a sense and even though I’m okay with that, I don’t see the mass majority of people being receptive of the fact I am different and well aware in a realm that either doesn’t concern them or they just don’t understand and instead of respecting that they’ll just insist I’m inadequate.

I assume my real problem, personally, is now I’m willing to grow [some more] and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my life as of now when I should be just moving on; while understanding the idea of “moving on” isn’t a bad thing. Without a doubt I feel like great things are coming/on their way to me and I’m very focused on making sure I don’t screw up the receptiveness of what could be.

Aside from the inflicted confusion, nonetheless, I’m excited and a lot less worried since I’ve grasped the concept that life moves forward regardless and the ability to adapt is the same as being the fittest in order to survive. I’m currently playing around trying to figure out how I could be my best and elevate my execution. I’ve transitioned a bit and I’m back at a “I know I’m great, I just don’t know what I am doing” stage in life and It’s a little overwhelming because I have so many options being someone who is transitional in general therefore I’m indeed always growing whether it be up or down.

I’m going to figure it out, as someone that always does and document my thoughts more consistently while doing so because great minds think alike and with that being said I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels as such.

read my previous article “I’m Bored.” that revolves around being indecisive along with scared of advancement

Just Finished My 21st Lap Around the Sun

Intro: I’m making it a annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

As I’ve been on my journey to 22 I’ve realized I’ve spoiled myself with independence which is simply my ability to be unavailable on my own terms.

I’ve grown use to people not being in my life long term so I’ve just stopped assuring comfort to keep people by my side. Due to the rationality if I did, they’d still leave anyways and that’s “fine”.

It has gotten to the point where I’ve isolated myself into a phase where I’m more often than not unimpressed, unamused, and uninterested. Resulting in me being impressed, amused, and interested only in myself on a personal level. I’ve become an “I don’t feel like it” kind of person when it comes to my dealing with people (which is fine to a certain extent but I’m aware I abuse the ability to) and it has become an extremity. If I don’t feel like it I just won’t do which is selfish but here’s how I justify it; I don’t offer myself to others to “deal” with because I’m for certain I wouldn’t even “deal” with myself under these circumstances if given the option.

All of this contributes to me becoming one with my lonesomeness. I find a certain security in isolation. Another factor that I feel plays a role in this development is not dating or being in relationships and that’s when you start developing the importance of people along with building the idea of what attachment is and can be. Therefore I have no true understanding of what attachment is and I find it to be interchangeable with being … dependent (from what I’ve seen), which isn’t good.

Essentially the point is I’m very selfish because I never had to be considerate (I don’t get the chance to) and as a young observant adult I have no reason to “endure” the actions or feelings of others, like I see people do all the time, because I know how it feels to be by myself and I’m quite used to it.

2019 was the year I stopped disregarding my introverted sacred self and respected my ability to not be so socially active yet still big on presence. I also realized my expectations for people and things are not high so I’m rarely ever disappointed in anything or anybody that isn’t myself, causing me to walk through life very neutral because of acceptance, since I have the ability to control what I accept in the first place.

I explained all of that loosely so what I have to say next is a little more understandable in a realm [un]related to.

I’ve realized my ability to be a people person is slowly deteriorating. Sometimes hearing or having to listen to people irritates me.
Sometimes being around too many people drives me mad.
Sometimes I just don’t want to talk [in addition to me not wanting to listen and then process a thought to respond generally].
It’s so much I don’t care to do if it’s not on my terms and I’ve realized how bad that is that I’m comfortable, I’m in control.
Unsolicited or unwanted interaction in physical form has the tendency to just infuriate me and it’s really not that serious nor do I think it’s “healthy”.

But I’m also grown so on my journey to 23 and I figured I’d extend myself so I’m not so hard to co-exist with due to trapping myself in such an isolated place.

A part of me just is sure I’ll never be understood so I rarely put in to be more understanding, these days.

I’m in the middle of catching up with myself and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t learn as I lived to take accountability for my actions though. I’ve been processing a lot of feelings over the last two years which probably built this ultimately what I’ll consider a hiding place. A hiding place I’ve created and now I feel like I’ve took the time to understand myself enough to understand realistically… “I need to fix this” I’m ready to be experienced again.

I had to learn how to respect my feelings by allowing them to— I had to understand that when I allow my feelings I don’t take away from my character or that the feelings I had in the beginning are suddenly invalid. I had to understand that when circumstances change I’m allowed to change how I feel too! I unintentionally kept myself stagnant by thinking more than I felt and I was feeling a lot so it made me think I’d handle everything better by not dealing with at all.

Suggestive advice: A change isn’t always good or bad, it’s just a change in what you’re used to. The tricky part is understanding that and reacting to it in either a good or bad way which sets the tone on what comes about next and that’s usually the healing process because everything gets analyzed during that process whether it be of any importance.

I was busy trying to respect the feelings of the past (which didn’t apply anymore) to assure a present/future I was going to live regardless.

Suggestive Advice Cont. All in all my message is to allow yourself.
Allow yourself whatever you need in order to be better but first take accountability that you’re not okay and or where you’d like to be.
Approve the shift in character in order to allow yourself to fix yourself. Allow yourself the anger you might feel like you’re better than.
Allow yourself the sadness you might be tired of fighting.
Allow yourself the disappointment you weren’t looking forward to.
Allow yourself the stupidity you thought you were smarter than.

I didn’t allow myself, which allowed me to just become closed off.

Wishing everyone much peace, joy, and prosperity always, all ways.

Here’s a link to Last Year’s

New Age Rhythm and Blues

Everybody was so upset when old heads didn’t recognize the sounds, artistry, and other elements of what is now considered rap, in 2019. We stressed that times have changed and so did the sound therefore it should be respected. I’m saying this to say we are unconsciously doing the same thing to the genre of R&B which is very much alive and well.

Kehlani by IG: @VinceCorona__

what is R&B? R&B is an abbreviation for Rhythm and Blues. 2.) A kind of pop music of African American origin with a soulful vocal style featuring improvisation.

” In classic R&B, there is a straight up stacking of vocal harmonies, which writer-musician Stuart Goosman says reminds him of the urban environments of Baltimore and Washington DC where the music got its start. He suggests that the physical and psychic aspects of the city, in particular, those cities’ urban segregation, helped shape the consciousness of the musicians, who freed themselves through the limitlessness of singing, engaging the imagination to soar beyond the limitations of place. ” – Mark Edward Nero

read more in the article “The origin and history of R&B Music”
[From Left to Right]: Brent Faiyaz by Zhamakthecat, Ty Dolla Sign, Masego by Filmawi, SiR

Why don’t we consider what’s being put out in today’s time “R&B” for what it is, which is “R&B”. We have Ari Lennox, SiR, Snoh Aalegra, Chloe x Halle, Nao, H.E.R, Jesse Reyes, Luke James, Teyana Taylor, Ty Dolla Sign, 6LACK, Eric Bellinger, Brent Faiyaz, Jeremih, in addition to all the your classic r&b singers still dropping music that goes unnoticed essentially because it is OLD. “New age” R&B accommodates the new age sound and lifestyle. No, people aren’t making it a point to beg to be loved on records as much because it’s a thing this generation has and that’s self worth. Rhythm & Blues..

I see a lot of slander from consumers complaining that some of these up and coming artist don’t have the range of artist such as Whitney Houston for example. When in reality the masses would still come for them if they even tried to wear themselves thin vocally oppose to what they know they can do and create with to still put out quality music.

[From Left to Right]: Snoh Allergra by Grizzleearts, Chloe x Halle, Jorja Smith by Michaelaquan, Leven Kali by Karoni

It’s a simple solution for all of this selfish consumption. Go listen to the old stuff from older eras if you happen to be one of those who mistake nostalgia for micro-aggressive fandom because depending on your age range it was a simpler time when “I want to put you to bed, bed, bed” by J. holiday was playing uncontrollably and you want to keep triggering you brain to relive those feelings therefore you don’t accept progression but have the nerve to disguise it all as a critique. 

People don’t even pay attention to the fact remixes or beat samples doesn’t coincide with longevity..it’s cute though, the sound burns out fast due the fact we’ve not only heard it before; it makes us want to go listen to how it was originally sung AND we are use to it already. People want progression and newness they just don’t know how to embrace it or developed the ears for it yet.

Then we have the R&B artist that prosper enough get on labels that end up trying to reconstruct their artistry as a whole. Resulting in us either getting silence or no music of original substance since the point of it is to contribute to getting out of such contract. Those particular artist have been seeming to go independent in order to reinvent themselves; a good example of this is Tinashe who just put out “Songs for You”, be sure to run it up whilst an often asked question is “what happen to Tinashe?” among others.

Tinashe by IG Jasonaltaan Hair: @Lilhunty_ Make-up: @Raoulalejandre Stylist: @mmmmylipshurt

Make sure you take the time to check out:
Pink Sweat$
Masego
Lucky Daye
Quin
Mariah The Scientist
Yuna
Tony Collins
ODIE
Sy Ari da kid
Yo Trane
Rico Love
PJ Morton
Kiana Lede

If you made it here and I might’ve forgot anybody it would be greatly appreciated if you left a comment listening who to “put us on”, share a playlist if you care to, even care to elaborate if you will.