September Sorrows: An entry of Sadness

“In this piece of literature we are going to discuss how devastating life can be, starting in September.”

“From summer to fall then fall to winter: I never cared for the transition from summer to fall then fall to winter it has always sucked, the world slows down so drastically. Oppose to that I never really knew why though besides I wasn’t a fan of the holiday season yet, I love the spiritual environment floating through the air because of Halloween..and for that is the only reason I love October.

November: As time flies November has gotten easier because of the marvelous Camp Flog Gnaw Carnival. I think people really believe I’m some type of stan therefore I go every year due to fandom yet that’s not the case it’s the environment. That event is going to be a time I actually enjoy myself sincerely, authentically, and because of that I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Plus I meet a lot of new people that bring me some sort of joy even after the fact. (If you’re reading this, and we’ve met at cfg over the years LOVE Y’ALL) But unfortunately, I guess because it is what it is at this point, after that event Is over with I’m very low energy til late April, beginning of May .. and this cycle repeats.

The holiday atmosphere: A Drag, very irrelevant. My family. My family consists of “a Mother, a older sister, a younger sister, a dog and a snake, probably 5 cousins on my mothers and father side combined, together, and one Aunty” I actually can communicate with. After my grandmother passed the idea of “family” was no longer something to value if you ask me, it doesn’t exist among my family tree, the family feel is not there, and never will it ever be but that’s just my reality & I’m very accepting of it. The “problem” that has developed is the “holiday season” in theory! Being Constantly reminded of a family aspect is a bummer and I eventually detached from the idea of it, or experiencing it in addition to becoming real “numb” but it’s not numb it’s just suppressed feelings and no matter how much you disregard something I see it takes a toll on you.

I’ve become accustom to knowing I’ll be down and out during this time, every year and with that, plus the extra time to “self evaluate” I think I’ve came to the conclusion for why after years:

Let me start off by saying my way of grieving is probably considered denial. I say that because I comfort myself with the idea of “they’re just to busy to make time for us” when someone passes, in theory to shine a little light on the situation. So when my grandmother, my moms mother, passed away at that time me being so young you could feel the switch in auras. As a kid you can sense disturbance but staying in a child’s place and all…you just don’t know the severity of everything going on… for the most part. Also me being so young the day of the funeral I remember the confusion in the air yet and still the idea that I would never see my grandmother again just faded to the back of my mind. Just because it was sadness in the air I cried that day, to only not cry again until I turned like 18 which is probably a 14 year gap. I feel like I messed myself up with that if I could’ve faced, remembered, & paid attention to accept that particular death sooner than as late as I did I probably wouldn’t be feeling like this.

She passed away in October & with that unfortunate moment I figure my mom kept me distracted with Halloween which is why I do like the day! for whatever reason that particular Halloween was a good Halloween.

After Halloween: Tis never was the seasons… ever again. It was never a time to be thankful, it was never a time to be jolly, it was no reason to look forward to another year. All the happiness of “family” dissipated as soon as my grandmother left. As I got older my mother tried* to celebrate but I can admit I shut that down every year, I always looked at it as “it’s pointless, it’s only 3 of us. It’s no family affair” & after so many years of that you build up a solemn attitude towards it all because it’s no happiness so you don’t necessarily see the happiness or create any.

New year, new burdens; New burdens, no feelings; no feelings, just no feelings.

Self guilt:

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to do anything while also being aware it’s many things I “need” to do. To push through and continue to move forward takes a lot to the point it’s kind of draining well it’s really draining. I feel bad for not having the energy to keep up with the things I love, I feel bad for not wanting to interact with anyone, I feel bad for saying “nothing” when someone asks me “what’s wrong?” When really somethings wrong but it’s nothing I’d care to talk about because I know a person who doesn’t understand won’t care. You just want to rest yet it’ll probably never be enough rest hours in a day for you to rest adequately.

What about the other months? Nothing specifically to talk about my feelings just ride their course til it’s over which happens to be late April – beginning of May.

It might be deeper than all of this, it probably is. It’s a whole different kind hurt, agony, dread that comes with this time of year & for once I’m kinda disappointed in myself that I let it cast a shadow over me but I just took the time to think a little harder to find a reason I feel the way I do because as of now, this September 2018 I’m happy, I’m content. Or at least I think I am. I believe am & if I am then why am I so uncontrollably sad at the same time.

I Just thought I’d share for myself really because I knew it was a problem since while acknowledging this before I decided to write and publish for the public to read it made my cry, it makes me cry.

PLEASE DON’T REACH OUT TO ME AFTER YOU READ THIS IF YOU MADE IT DOWN HERE TO MAKE SURE I’M “OKAY”, I just rather you not.

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

Unapologeticness or Unapologeticmess

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Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Am i sorry for how i feel? Probably not, it’s how i feel. I know that sound very selfish but I’ve learned how to accept it because other people speak how they feel and do what they desire to do while “I” as an individual take it upon myself NOT to get extremely upset with a person and their feelings, thoughts of life but just remove myself instead if necessary. We’re free people/individuals/different/one of one or at least I am.

essentially i believe if i can others can to so no matter what i do … say.. or portray myself shouldn’t have anything to do with you if you don’t incorporate yourself in it.

Conflicted because I don’t know if I’m defending the ones we consider dickheads but at the same time I feel as if “it is what it is” a wise one once said “If it wasn’t for Villains it would be no Heroes”

Growing up I either heard or read “stand up for what you believe in even if you’re standing alone” I decided to incorporate that into my moral compass, mind you goes it both ways for anyone opposing you but I also feel as if you can waste your time if the person isn’t willing to be wrong or whatever the case may be. I write and I usually write from a perspective that’s not really respected because we relate to ourselves and it makes me realize life is a big contradiction among itself. We make decisions based off circumstances which is probably why my character is always on my mind so I can always be assure I’m sticking to “one side” of things to not seem flip floppy when indeed, it is what it is.. That’s where the “MESS” comes in.

Getting older I’m noticing the same reason people love me, respecting the theory of principle; standing by my feelings or thoughts; protecting what means to me. Happens to be the same reason they hate me especially if it doesn’t apply to their lifestyle per say. People disregard the power of the mind when they are set in stone, all this applies to those who read this and go against me or use their unapologeticness for what they deem “good” when really it’s only good for them and those who relate (sounds familiar?).

I also understand that some people present very very “incorrect” opinions about life but at the same time I’m content being aware they feel as such to know to stay away from them.

If people didn’t voice their feelings as such we’d be blind to how people sincerely feel! Regardless of how it effects me emotionally I just have to understand how they think or what made them feel as such.

I’m one to also have conversations with those who oppose me to understand their p.o.v BUT! without the intentions of starting an argument.

Overall am I d*ckhead or? I mean I don’t publicly voice to a person or try not at least, voice that a persons opinions is causing them to be less of a person. I’m getting tired of apologizing about how I feel even though I watch people present their opinions as facts while I’m just stating my perception as an opinion. After all if we’re being as technical as we’re becoming your opinion might be a fact to YOU, according to you! Therefore my opinion is also a fact…because it’s true to me.

I’ll be sure to update you when I find a correct balance that’s morally correct, even though sometimes doing the right thing isn’t “Morally” correct let alone “Politically” correct.

P.S No this is not directed to give Nazis, Rapist, Homophones, or any other of that BULLSHIT! A self righteous pass, Matter of fact I don’t even know why you’re here.

XOXO – Wishing Peace! Joy! & Prosperity!

Words

“Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but WORDS are Psychological Wounds that never Heal” – Mr. Turner from The Fairly Odd Parents

I think words became important to me when I grasped the fact they can be sincerely hurtful, misunderstood, and people don’t realize the power they possess. So I took it upon myself to make it a point of being accountable and sincere regarding what comes from me.

You ever wonder why the most evil words resonate? You can be told the rudest maybe even not so true thing from someone that means something to you and it’ll just stick with you mentally regardless of the many kind things you hear about yourself as time progresses from different people.

Words are important because they are able to express how you FEEL I wish people paid attention to the power they have. It’s unbecoming of what words have transitioned to be, we get told things that hold lots of uncertainty depending on the individual. It’s like even though the words come from us, are a reflection of us! You’d think people would be more truthful so you know exactly what you’re dealing with. Instead we have people feeling the need to plot on you and make it a purpose to use their words for manipulation, for whatever reason, decreasing the shock value of “my word is bond.”

You have to worry about the manipulators in the word who sense great faith in you believing in them although they don’t mean what they say they’re fully aware that words INDEED speak louder than actions regardless of what anyone implies or would like to believe.

P.S No, this does not mean listen to the truth and switch it around to be able to be in denial on behalf of yourself to make someone eventually look like the bad guy.

Embracing Yourself, Learning Yourself

I really do not have “advice” at this time just perspective

I’m doing what I do to the best I can.

I love myself, I’m not completely sure why yet, like I’m aware of my wonderful character.

Am I sure truly sure of myself?

Am I sincerely embracing myself If I’m still worried about how others, will, perceive me?

I wouldn’t say I second guess myself for validation from others but for their comfort. Whenever

I consider “what if they don’t like me?” often enough to reconsider how I express myself, how I go about my appearance, or even just reconsidering my choices for the comfort of others. I’ve noticed that no one ever notices or says thank you. “Thank you for restructuring yourself to make sure i’m comfortable even though you might not be.” Conflicted often because I don’t necessarily care about how a person perceives me, especially if they don’t ask clarifying questions straight from the source(me), but also realizing maybe I care to much about myself caring about if I care about how a person perceives me at all. Maybe the problem is people don’t see me how I see myself and that’s deeper than any appearance discrepancy. They don’t see what I have to offer to the world as an individual & the fact how I choose to present myself for myself can detour what others think of me might actually be what bothers me. Single handed appearance and character are intertwined invalidly because you look like “this” you must feel as “that” and that’s usually never the case. It bothers me that a person might not give me a chance regarding anything because I might not meet their idea of attractiveness or express myself through my appearance correctly to them. It’s hard finding balance for something you don’t even feel the need to balance. It’s even harder having to always prove yourself that you are what you know you are but people just refuse to see it.

My overall conclusion is I just have to steady remind myself that not everybody is going to like all aspects of me and that’s fine. Those who don’t but still desire to see the good in me I’ll always appreciate. Those who love me unconditionally forever I love back but regardless of any feelings towards me I must stay true to me.

Now I’m living.

We know what’s wrong but can what’s wrong be also what’s right

We admire the idea of transparency, thinking that someone could be braver than we ever found the courage to be brings us a form of joy. What we don’t like is being uncomfortable or adjusting to the idea of someone else in order to get to understand them better.

Lets establish that we all come from different backgrounds and live differently when it comes to the details of life because of perspective we must understand it’s more than one way of thinking for reasoning. I figured POC specifically have this narrative of we all think as minorities. Not to disregard the importance of blossoming on a higher level mentally we just don’t accept every level of growth because in some world all minorities live from the same common law.

“I dissuade Party members from putting down people who do not understand. Even people who are unenlightened and seemingly bourgeois should be answered in a polite way. Things should be explained to them as fully as possible. I was turned off by a person who did not want to talk to me because I was not important enough. Maurice just wanted to preach to the converted, who already agreed with him. I try to be cordial, because that way you win people over. You cannot win them over by drawing the line of demarcation, saying you are on this side and I am on the other; that shows a lack of consciousness. After the Black Panther Party was formed, I nearly fell into this error. I could not understand why people were blind to what I saw so clearly. Then I realized that their understanding had to be developed.”

-Huey Newton

Do we actually appreciate honesty?

Everyone is pressured over Kanye West thoughts, he was being honest. Don’t we appreciate and value honesty? Often I hear “be straight up” unfortunately when that may be the case but it’s not your type of truth you’re not as accepting. Stop devoting all your feelings towards what people say and give thanks to the fact they said it. Does it not concern most of you that it’s people who save face for the acceptance of the world but think indeed those ill thoughts. That’s so fraudulent, I’d rather know someone’s true feelings and not feed me … lies, that way I know where I stand, how to move forward WITHOUT over acknowledging what I can’t seem to grasp or agree with. People dedicate so much time to making sure “we” feel stupid for not being politically correct when its legitimately deeper than that.

Rarely can, let alone does, someone explain why our comments, questions, and concerns are wrong backed up with more than the justification of “that’s just what it is”, “it’s morally correct”, I emphasize people forget the fact we are individuals and perceive the world differently. The thing that gets me the most is so many barriers have been broken and elevated on behalf of someone thinking differently AND wore their thoughts on their sleeves, just love us, the hate is not going to move you forward. Not to mention those with alternative thinking are often willing to listen to learn new ways of thinking to gain understanding.

P.S. No this isn’t defending stupidity. It’s a difference between stupidity and ignorance, go look the difference. It’s okay to be opinionated, of course, just don’t belittle someone else as justification. You back up your opinions with your theories, relations, and personal backgrounds, if you can’t relate don’t hate.

Unconventional Beauty, a blessing and a curse.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. if that happens to be the case does “If you’re ugly on the inside you’re ugly on the outside” hold significance still?

“Who are you” artwork by @Bryantdgiles

What is unconventional beauty? “Someone who is unconventionally beautiful is attractive through their defiance of standards, not in spite of them. A trait that is ugly to one person may seem beautiful to another. There are those who are only beautiful in the eyes of certain beholders. What’s universal is the attitude behind the facade.” –Urbanette Magazine

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Slick Woods photo by David Roemer

Unconventional Beauty!

Being told our features are strong, being mistaken for a man, or being compared to an animal is something we are to familiar with in this realm of beauty.

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Grace Jones photo by Universal / The Kobal Collection

The Curse: It’s a lot of grief that’s placed upon you, people just rule themselves high enough to determine whatever about you based off your beauty. Growing up you don’t find yourself to be as beautiful as you happen to be and being teased about what will eventually become insecurities do not make it any better. I use the word “curse” with all sarcasm. It’s like we must prove we are of some substance since we aren’t whats generally welcomed.

The Blessing: Our true beauty gets the chance to be admired wholeheartedly. Your urge to display Creativity increases only causing you to become better; innovated; free-flowing for it will be accepted more openly because you’re “abnormal”, I use that term very loosely, already. Luckily we get to get our point across and really heard out because the people around us aren’t necessarily for any gain besides what we have to offer as a human being.

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Teyana Taylor photo by Albert Urso

Learning to “adjust” or understand that you have different type of facial features can be a journey especially in such a vain era we happen to be living in.

Self Confidence: Self expression gives me a boost of confidence sometimes I feel I do not look like what society wants let alone my best. With great feeling energy your mood will make you feel invisible in a sense contributing to what an outsider would consider self confidence not knowing you basically had to throw a pep rally while getting ready just for mild assurance. As time progresses you just learn to wear the skin you’re in effortlessly. It gets tough sometimes tougher in different moments because

When you see other women who are given a hard time yet still vibrant in the mind and soul it speaks volumes on how senile the vision of the world can be, as people still contribute to tearing down the persons confidence. I encourage every beaut to embrace what they have it’s people out her that would love to have a look that stands out.

Also as I’ve gotten older I don’t get bothered over snide comments since so many see a different kind of beauty within me. Yet it still makes me wonder why some people feel the need to go out of their way to make me aware of however they feel about my physical appearance from something such as the size of your ears to the skinniness of our bods enjoy what you have to offer to the world.

*Just a light take on my thoughts regarding how it feels to be placed in an almost secondary realm in the world of beauty.*