Full Circle Half Empty

my life has been full circle the last couple months, may i humbly say…i’d consider it “complete”[as time has progressed i have decided that my life in its entirety isn’t “complete” but more specifically a phase..the first one…in which i’ve been working on for years.]
also a part of me goes back in forth with the idea i might be thinking to “low” when i say that, but honestly it feels right to say. and when i change my mind to consider i might be wrong.. it’s really not from the perspective of me but more so what the world pushes you to feel about your everything.
it’s always more that can be done or obtained and for whatever reason being comfortable is never enough.
oh the irony in that! [when you’re hardbody and think about how sweet a soft day would be. or when you’ve adapted to being uncomfortable for such a long time, when s*** isn’t hard you don’t know how to function with leisure.]

*a conversation for another day would be how comfort is being given the same context as greed, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

i assume i’ll never be 100% with the dynamics that make up my everything as nobody is perfect but i consider myself a circle and at this time im full as in complete but empty.
maybe my circle isn’t complete because i always find myself getting halfway full then it starts to deplete then.. i wake up and it’s empty. and honestly i don’t feel anyway about it because i’ve taken the time out of living too understand myself more and it’s more to be understood(for example why can’t i maintain happyness? or whatever that fills up my circle. CERTAINTY!!! for example i manage to get to like 66% these days before it’s time to try it all over again.)

as i’ve lived, i feel like i make progress then i find myself reliving shit i thought i learned from. eventually i caught on to the fact i adapted to damaged control ~ although i knew the outcome of what i was doing, unfavorable or not, it gave me a sense of control when navigating it.
which is so silly.
and this full circle half empty reoccurrence is life reliving that ..but maybe emotionally?[i wish i could go back in time to just watch how many days i’d maintain peace. to know if on average growing up i managed to have…let’s say..11 good days before it was just striped from under me and now my brain just allows me 11 then self destructs as a natural reaction, get me?]
in addition to that im not sure about much of anything or how to even assess anything after that last sentence but i will say, im alright or my best self right now. yet it’s a form of emptiness that comes with that called “well what’s next?” what do i do now.

full circle half empty by me

and as i write im starting to realize that, that the “emptiness” i maintain is because im to busy dwelling on the fact i don’t have the answers as i always do and it’s no problem to solve to know anything.. so now im just doing on my own accord… and i know no freedom as such that’s equivalent to freedom of self where you figure stuff out beyond what you’re use to.

i have a slight theory that i have advanced passed “damage control” to understand that i have no eagerness to partake in self sabotage out of curiosity, boredom, or uncertainty as an escape goat for what might just be me experiencing a pure form of peace.
im chilling.
so within that theory im stuck at a place of not having the answers while being eager to experience to contribute to what has become FULFILLING TO ME.

truth be told im also slightly scared that maybe if i take this time to just enjoy how far i’ve come, maybe im missing out or could be using my time better.[but what’s better than self awareness/growth?]
i notice that i have to remind myself, a lot of things, but that uncertainty is just me seconding guessing myself.

{its a note to self on this page that says “i should really just take the time to enjoy a picnic to be proud of the fruit im bearing from my labors before my back starts hurting or start spilling fruit.”}

i hope everybody is taking time to get right with themselves as your just as important as the elements you make up
WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY
always, all ways
XOXO

I MIGHT BE!…the problem

Self sabotage, sex!, and selfishness

These n****s sure do know how to fake it til they make something turn into nothing. I be feeling like dmx “what these b*****s want from a n****” foreal.

I find it to be interesting but unfortunate that I think I might just be the demise of my love life. I was trying to assess why I don’t “trust” men and it was becoming apparent that I block my own POTENTIAL blessings, thinking for them, and that’s rooted from my self esteem… I guess.

See I don’t see anything wrong with me as an individual but as a unit? I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to deal with me honestly. I feel like that because I underestimate my attributes (outside of sex) or since the few heartfelt instances I’ve had with “love” I never held the opposite sex accountable to declare anything to me, and that’s because I’m. I mean I was** a very low maintenance b**** (which wasn’t a “bad” thing to me since I have this idea that love shouldn’t be hard anyways). And when you see and hear how you should be, what people prefer, or just being observant of what others are use to I X myself out the way for them because I myself feel like am not liner to the standard of.

In addition to that it’s depth to my understanding and selfless selfishness..
I’m iffy on the idea of compromise as I stand by often; I feel like if I want to embark on someone I should be willing to accept + adjust to their everything, most importantly their love, and vice versa. I’m usually not willing to do that, especially just based on someones “interest” regarding me. Because of that I dead s*** just to avoid from wasting someone else’s time since I’m stubborn, I don’t even want to try. As I’ve gotten older I feel like I been slightly outgrowing this drastic idea of co-existing with someone romantically. The analytical side of me will take some time to surrender the idea if I choose to ultimately because I’m big on fairness and that’s the only fair and square way to join forces. Which as I think some more is stemming from control, because again I don’t trust men but before we get sidetracked…

I feel like people should appreciate that I don’t make them deal with me under these skeptic conditions and they don’t! In fact it’s like they try to force me into trying and it does nothing more than make me fight back by being careless and uncommunicative.

I say all this to say outside of what could be considered excuses, I might just be the problem.

Usually how it goes is some young man tries to be friendly and 97 percent of the time, I shut it down. The flirting is never flattering or appreciated from the start and I’m already thinking it’s an ulterior motive (you can tell how they talk). My dealings with men are also nothing more but sex driven to the point I don’t really know how to be receptive of kindness if you’re a complete** stranger once it gets to a certain point because I already know what’s good. (None of this applies to the young men who establish friendship, in which you can sense differently than the cosplay.) That s*** offends me because I take my platonic relationships so personally and that’s trying to be infiltrated.

A lot of men like to be predators and build in order to fuck and it blows me! So look how my mind works with that, I’m already anticipating the bull**** so why not get to the point and save us both the agony? Men like to be right just as much as they like to break something that was already fixed and when doing that bull**** it offends me even more since they’re ultimately trying to insult my intelligence. It’s just something about men I can’t trust and the irony of it all is I feel like I don’t have “trust issues” yet my intuition has never let me down..

So you know..

And even if I was the problem due to warped self esteem I don’t even know where to start to fix it. I would say progressions is allowing everybody a chance but why would I waste my time like that? Right, I guess this is something that’s going to take time or just something to think about whether I want to “fix” it or not. I found it to be an interesting take.

I wonder what’s good with the people who know it’s a high chance they’ll be single for life. I feel like we are out here humbly enduring us being so misunderstood.

Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All Ways
– Aunty XOXO

Just Finished My 22nd Lap Around The Sun

Intro: I’m making it an annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

👉🏾👈🏾

On my journey to 23 I found myself Surrendering. I’m giving up in the best way, I’m always hard on myself but for what?! As I went through 2020 I have realized it’s not a correct way to do any of this shit! You know how much of 2020 was made up? Stuff we never seen or was told was irrational, “CrAzy”, was done to compensate for the limit being pushed. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?!

And even with compromise, or what’s the word? Like when you have no script… Impromptu! ass plans to keep everything copacetic in theory everything still failed, but we got through it.

I say this to say progress is made up, success is made up, I had to talk myself through the fact wanting more is perpendicular to greed for essentially no reason[maybe because we see extreme greed sprout from humble beginnings]. Especially since my want for comfort doesn’t call for others to have less. In addition to what I’ve been gauging “success” by, others… so I had to realize the beating path of “others” also has nothing to do with ME. On top of the fact most of the time I’ve advanced, so I shouldn’t knock that because it’s not what I’ve been taught advancement was, ideally, in the worse way.

All these years I’ve been very satisfied with what is me and I just got the urge to do “better“. What is better though? (present tense update: Better in this case was to focus on myself, I sucked. It was so much I was tired of accepting or splitting my focus with. I couldn’t be my best “writer” so that’s where the feeling of being stuck came from. I was ready for that advancement creativity that had surpassed my individuality already) I don’t know exactly but I do know it isn’t what I am now. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, I’m not saying this to imply I’m beating myself up cause I am not. I’ve “enjoyed” every aspect that has got me here. But I assume as I’ve gotten older I just want to experience peace instead of pressure. The pressure don’t even be courtesy of me being proud of myself but more so to prove my abilities to— those who usually don’t even give a **** about me. Truly.

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I’m always anticipating something, I passively wasn’t giving a **** and it was taking just as much of a toll on me as if I were to stress over life due to unhappyness. A lot of habits I’ve developed stopped bringing me security, because it was never joy. And now I feel unguarded. I want to experience long term tranquility.

Suggestive Advice: Recognize progress is progress! I keep telling myself “I’m spoiled by desire and expectation.” Meaning my ability to want outweighs my appreciation and effort sometimes, not to say that I’m ungrateful. While my expectations give me a false sense of what is, to be. In my case I was eager to progress in a grand way that could be showcased to where I didn’t pay attention to the fact my “progress” might just be this journey of becoming more self aware/experiencing long term tranquility. As I’ve taken the time to work on, dedicate sincerity to, myself I’ve realized it’s “easier” for me to create, when I’m not confused. So the point is consider everything progress whether you like it or not. Don’t dismiss your progress because it isn’t “ideal” to what you believe progress is for real, you’re just discrediting yourself.

☆彡praise n blessings☆彡

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways. -Aunty

you can read about my last lap here and check out my favorite 2020 post.

May the bridges i burn forever light the way.

I got a fucked up fetish of enjoying fucking with people.

My whole perception of love is romanticized karmic soul ties, it had nothing to do with self and I want better for myself. I’m bored, I’m tired, I’m selfish, and I don’t give a fuck.

I mentioned before it’s something gratifying about knowing someone don’t like you, or won’t admit it but won’t leave you alone. Very egotistical, I know, but to say it hasn’t effected me … it hasn’t. I can go back to my ways but I want to experience something new [which is probably just myself] the gratification has dissipated because I’m all money in…fatuated with myself. I’m fully aware the young men I have dealings with don’t give a fuck about me because that’s how I present myself. They probably think I don’t give a fuck about much of anything outside of music and shit I don’t know. Which wouldn’t be to far from the truth but that doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention and I’m not accountable, and that’s where things become a conflict of interest.

I’m hard to understand solely because people don’t want to be understanding is all.

The power I have, I don’t even know why I hold some kind of artificial importance in people lives [or maybe that’s how I perceive it]. It’s probably nothing of the sort except availability to be convenient. How “embarrassing”.

Let me tell you the first dealing with a young man I had I was fucking ghosted for reasons unknown. We’ve found our way back to each other per usual because I’m always available and over standing. But the way that influenced me; I’ve adjusted to lack of communication to where I’m just passive …and rarely aggressive and that is developed by considering bad habits from those I dedicate myself too. I’ve learned how to read between the lines of a book with no fucking words and that’s so pathetic. But that’s what I’ve grown to like.

Second instance was years later and an actual relationship. Wow, to be in love with the idea of what being in love feels like. I don’t regret it but as time has passed, and being essentially ghosted again by a completely different person, a more important person. I have figured out I was just a saving grace to aid in separation of a lack luster relationship, I was oblivious to, because I don’t ask questions, I don’t make comments, and my trust for people leads me to have no concerns. It’s a butterfly effect. So that stroked my ego even more so.. I helped teach someone how to love so they could love someone else correctly…outside of just extending myself once again to over stand why people are how they are. Kudos to fucking me.

I’m always making excuses for— including myself, I’m always trying to understand, I like dancing with the devil cause it keeps me on my toes, I like how it feels being warm from playing with fire, I liked being on someone’s mind but their last concern. As you get older you realize you’re just growing into looking for what you can’t put your finger on for self satisfaction. I must obviously feel not important at all to look at being convenient as a necessity instead of a amenity! It’s crazy. I’m learning though and it’s causing me to hide because I don’t give a fuck about nobody or anything except myself. Ironically I feel good. I feel self dependent. I feel like to be in my 20s and being selfishly selfless was just me being mildly manipulative. I feel like I am completely fucked and probably made to just learn as I live.

If I don’t know nothing else, I know I’m honest, aware, and nothing gets better unless you make it better. So I’ve been putting in effort to fixing myself. I’m over here irritated because I feel miserable and unsatisfied by my own self inflected agony. I’m fixing it though. I hope.

Wrote that under the full moon on the 31st and it’s my favorite thing to read at this time

May the bridges I burn forever light the way in my self discovery. Just thought I’d share my feelings since I’m willing.

Wishing everybody peace x joy x and prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty xoxo

I’m Doing Fine.

I’ve officially outgrown my desire for likes and all that superficial shit because what I put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. And that itself I’m thankful for.

I find myself stumbling across opportunities to work with and become friends with people who once inspired me, and that’s because of me as a person and my persistence. I feel like that’s enough honestly because I’m proud they see what they’ve contributed to. Especially while I feel like you can say I’m a “nobody” if you solely base my online presence over my ability to preform, which I understand if you do.

All in all I’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors for sure, in the very least, which is fine by me.

It’s a bigger everything to every action and I’m no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” because I’ve successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + everything else to co-exist in the world without expectation, which has humbled my disappointment and feeling of being “disregard”.

I’m chilling. I’m growing up. I’m learning. I still feel like I’m great but just don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know Ima be alright. I’m no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking”— resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what I, can, do! I’m excited and underwhelmed. I’m proud of me.

Like I say “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything. And everything isn’t meant for everybody” that’s the truth. It’s okay. It was a tweet (if I can find it I’ll link it) but it said something along the lines of “you become disconnected when you look at your talents as a commodity that’s not paying off.” And now that I’ve gotten over that… I feel more certain about what I’m doing and can’t wait to do more instead of feeling like I’m failing, I’m doing fine.

I feel back to normal, when I started all this I did it to get my feelings off mainly. I wanted to be open about not know, being wrong, and whatever else that comes with life and somewhere along the journey of just talking on the internet I got greedy. The society I was battling I joined forces with unintentionally and let it slow me down. And I had the nerve to allow it to make me question what I know best about myself. Being that I can write!!

Talk to y’all later! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways – Aunty

xoxo

Am I Sensitive?

I take just about everything personal.

Am I aware some people just do and don’t think? Yes.

Do I keep in mind not everybody has lived the same life as me therefore they might not think the same as me? Absolutely.

So why do I take everything so personally? Because I don’t do without intention and since I am aware of, or at least try to be, I find it to be a direct act against me when some things unravel the way they do. I believe everybody knows their intention even when they have none to begin with. So I myself refuse to believe, especially if it’s not voiced sincerely*.

I myself am a vocal being who makes what I will not accept evident; so to be battling what people think they can try screams “disregarding” to me so I take that personally as well. As someone not too inviting outside of social media when people do gain access to me, once I am disturbed … I take that personally. Because “why?” I feel like people go out their way to try and break me down sometimes and how rude is that.

Am I being sensitive?! Where does being sensitive & offended correlate? Let’s start by saying sensitivity isn’t even a bad thing. To be sensitive is to be clear, aware, and direct. If you don’t like something or need a little more tlc then so be it. It’s the people who like to be selfish and wreck havoc on other peoples lives in which think someone else being sensitive is a burden on their ability to destruct.

I do question my sensitivity though since when I do get “upset” I don’t know how to let my anger past. I dwell in the very least but like I said in the “forgetfulness” article … I don’t forgive or forget!! So maybe I should work on that, I’m probably not though, to be honest. Just something I noticed about myself this week and wanted to voice. Talk to everybody later.

! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty

& [this includes the sweet things in life, oh how sacred and valuable they are to me.]

Why Can’t I Preform While Not Under Pressure

Like the title says…

Why can’t I function when I’m not under pressure? I’m being a bit dramatic, I can function but the fact it’s nothing and my craftsmanship is based on ultimately the evolution of something… always happening. When nothing is going on I feel stuck.

I feel bored. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’m missing something else. It’s nothing to make happen. I ought of enjoy when peace stands still but look at me, trying not to stress because I’m not use to what it feels to be tranquil.

Maybe I should dedicate times like this to learn how to relax since I still haven’t seemed to make that one of my strong suits but instead I will solidify my month being “book & busy” in which I’m looking forward to. As I write I realize I’m beginning something new the month of September as well and I should take this time to transition forward clear minded. It’s something about moving like a madman that makes things more enjoyable to me because all in all I still managed to get “it” done. I wonder why ppl are so attached to struggle, black people/minorities that is..

I figure because it makes you seem like your work is more validated since it wasn’t easy to come by or that your actually working towards bettering something in whole whilst we don’t even know how to truly appreciate what better is; at least… I don’t clearly.

I’m trying though— with real efforts. Maybe I should also take this time to learn how to capture happyness and serenity in my literature. I’ve grown bored of writing about being sad all the time, I’m not sad all the time no more. And as of late I’ve been quiet but that’s because I don’t know how to put my peace into a perspective in which can be felt because I’m to busy waiting for it to leave instead of even feeling it to begin with it seems as I continue with this blog post.

I did find some time to write a poem a few days ago which I like honestly, it’s different from that particular narrative I hope you enjoy it as well!

Wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity. Always, All Ways xoxo!!!

⁃ Aunty

I’M THINKING.

I’m thinking about life and I’m conflicted. I’m stuck between I’m thankful and also feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’ve probably wrote on this before but idk.

It’s different.

You’re probably like “bro something is always different to you”, “you can always ‘feel’ something” but that’s real spill.

I’ll probably write about not doing enough separately but to touch bases i don’t know how to execute. Or maybe I do but the uncertainty is the anchor at this time, all the time. Which also allows me to mention I’m ready to “risk it all” in order to experience a life I’m sure I should be living but can’t while being confided to the everyday livelihood agenda.

FUCK CAPITALISM

What if I stopped making time and just became. I’d propel in the direction I feel like I need to go in order to experience a whole different world created by myself. for myself and the comfort for others around me.

The fight I have with my mind (thinking I’m so grand)[in which I always will! nothing in me makes me want to think any less than as I say per usual, I’m created to be experienced] vs the lack of acknowledgement* I receive(as in a simple thank you)[because I know experiencing my existence is a blessing from whomever to whoever].

Nonetheless though I’m thankful. Forever thankful at that. I’m just realizing things and thinking. I’m the internetaunty— and that’s pretty much it. Currently slow and steady is the technique I’m using in order to run the race of life. And I’m building up endurance. stamina. But right now it’s like I’m learning the benefits to staying hydrated(consistent/structured).

S/n: I’m back at a place where I find security in being transparent. For the last couple of years I stopped writing about my feeling in article form but the poems have been rapid but in the same sense the poems where like a safe haven for me and my feelings. A set of words can mean anything to anybody, people who read them didn’t necessarily know what allowed me to create them. That was like a way not to be “embarrassed” (which I’m exchanging for shy/not forthcoming) when it comes to speaking my truth in regards of my “feelings”/emotions. I’m back though. I went back and read a few articles and I’m happy i was able to go back and read a few things from me that really broke certain things down and I know people probably feel the same way since great minds think alike. The point is, the transparent life reads are back.

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Make sure you check out “I’m bored.” and “I’m confused.”