A Short Sermon: Entitlement Spitefulment

Forever thankful to be gentle enough to break myself down in order to be strong enough to build myself back up.

Today we will talk about entitlement; just like the “Am I Sensitive?” blog I am here to admit I am, trying not to be, entitled to a persons ability to do anything that involves me. I would love to try to figure out how to differentiate entitlement from respect but I don’t really know where to begin…if I don’t hold people accountable that will result in disrespect right?

I rEsPeCt YoU sO yOu HaVe TO rEsPeCt mE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s not how it works at all, in fact a person doesn’t have to do anything and I’m just now growing up high enough to understand it’s nothing I can do about that. Except accept it in order to respect it (or myself) enough to not deal with it and that’s it, it’s really no common ground without making excuses and I’m no longer willing to compromise with the “but’s” of life as far as considering what I sincerely have a distaste for. In a perfect world reciprocation wouldn’t be as tedious as it is for me, which has resulted in me taking the initiative to be around those who understand the concept of common courtesy to make my life “easier” when it comes to co-existing with others. At this point in my life I’m pretty “tired” for a lack of words disinterested in the eagerness of things as simple as having to prove my willingness like I’ve said before, and in my journey of breaking the habit of having a kink for finding comfort in being uncomfortable… I’ve been allowed a lot of time to self reflect so I can rework my life (take accountability for how I’m treated because it starts with me but that’s a conversation for another day).

With that I’ve noticed Entitlement is rooted in selfishness and it is selfish of me to have expectations for people who did not ask to have the responsibility of carrying out my premeditated expectations of them, that more than likely doesn’t even have anything to do with them, but make up for something someone has already done. That I use to define what relationships, in general, are regardless of individuality in contrast. Or realizing even if I don’t choose to hold expectations over a persons head when dealing with them, understanding that the outcome might be repetitive because I keep surrounding myself around the same kind of people.
So shame on me.

Entitlement will also have you unintentionally questioning yourself as well, especially if you’re the type to internalize the actions of others like I use to. It’s been a many of times where I just said “What’s wrong with me?” because I felt like… and I promise it’s not that serious. You just have to take things for exactly what they are.

Well that’s it for this chapter of unlearning bad habits. This process I’m going through calling myself out has been for the better, I function a lot more swiftly since I’m more light hearted. I promised to extend my ability to be over-standing to myself and it’s the best thing I could’ve done. Until next time.

Wishing Everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All Ways.
Talk To You Later
XOXO

I MIGHT BE!…the problem

Self sabotage, sex!, and selfishness

These n****s sure do know how to fake it til they make something turn into nothing. I be feeling like dmx “what these b*****s want from a n****” foreal.

I find it to be interesting but unfortunate that I think I might just be the demise of my love life. I was trying to assess why I don’t “trust” men and it was becoming apparent that I block my own POTENTIAL blessings, thinking for them, and that’s rooted from my self esteem… I guess.

See I don’t see anything wrong with me as an individual but as a unit? I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to deal with me honestly. I feel like that because I underestimate my attributes (outside of sex) or since the few heartfelt instances I’ve had with “love” I never held the opposite sex accountable to declare anything to me, and that’s because I’m. I mean I was** a very low maintenance b**** (which wasn’t a “bad” thing to me since I have this idea that love shouldn’t be hard anyways). And when you see and hear how you should be, what people prefer, or just being observant of what others are use to I X myself out the way for them because I myself feel like am not liner to the standard of.

In addition to that it’s depth to my understanding and selfless selfishness..
I’m iffy on the idea of compromise as I stand by often; I feel like if I want to embark on someone I should be willing to accept + adjust to their everything, most importantly their love, and vice versa. I’m usually not willing to do that, especially just based on someones “interest” regarding me. Because of that I dead s*** just to avoid from wasting someone else’s time since I’m stubborn, I don’t even want to try. As I’ve gotten older I feel like I been slightly outgrowing this drastic idea of co-existing with someone romantically. The analytical side of me will take some time to surrender the idea if I choose to ultimately because I’m big on fairness and that’s the only fair and square way to join forces. Which as I think some more is stemming from control, because again I don’t trust men but before we get sidetracked…

I feel like people should appreciate that I don’t make them deal with me under these skeptic conditions and they don’t! In fact it’s like they try to force me into trying and it does nothing more than make me fight back by being careless and uncommunicative.

I say all this to say outside of what could be considered excuses, I might just be the problem.

Usually how it goes is some young man tries to be friendly and 97 percent of the time, I shut it down. The flirting is never flattering or appreciated from the start and I’m already thinking it’s an ulterior motive (you can tell how they talk). My dealings with men are also nothing more but sex driven to the point I don’t really know how to be receptive of kindness if you’re a complete** stranger once it gets to a certain point because I already know what’s good. (None of this applies to the young men who establish friendship, in which you can sense differently than the cosplay.) That s*** offends me because I take my platonic relationships so personally and that’s trying to be infiltrated.

A lot of men like to be predators and build in order to fuck and it blows me! So look how my mind works with that, I’m already anticipating the bull**** so why not get to the point and save us both the agony? Men like to be right just as much as they like to break something that was already fixed and when doing that bull**** it offends me even more since they’re ultimately trying to insult my intelligence. It’s just something about men I can’t trust and the irony of it all is I feel like I don’t have “trust issues” yet my intuition has never let me down..

So you know..

And even if I was the problem due to warped self esteem I don’t even know where to start to fix it. I would say progressions is allowing everybody a chance but why would I waste my time like that? Right, I guess this is something that’s going to take time or just something to think about whether I want to “fix” it or not. I found it to be an interesting take.

I wonder what’s good with the people who know it’s a high chance they’ll be single for life. I feel like we are out here humbly enduring us being so misunderstood.

Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All Ways
– Aunty XOXO

Just Finished My 22nd Lap Around The Sun

Intro: I’m making it an annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

👉🏾👈🏾

On my journey to 23 I found myself Surrendering. I’m giving up in the best way, I’m always hard on myself but for what?! As I went through 2020 I have realized it’s not a correct way to do any of this shit! You know how much of 2020 was made up? Stuff we never seen or was told was irrational, “CrAzy”, was done to compensate for the limit being pushed. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?!

And even with compromise, or what’s the word? Like when you have no script… Impromptu! ass plans to keep everything copacetic in theory everything still failed, but we got through it.

I say this to say progress is made up, success is made up, I had to talk myself through the fact wanting more is perpendicular to greed for essentially no reason[maybe because we see extreme greed sprout from humble beginnings]. Especially since my want for comfort doesn’t call for others to have less. In addition to what I’ve been gauging “success” by, others… so I had to realize the beating path of “others” also has nothing to do with ME. On top of the fact most of the time I’ve advanced, so I shouldn’t knock that because it’s not what I’ve been taught advancement was, ideally, in the worse way.

All these years I’ve been very satisfied with what is me and I just got the urge to do “better“. What is better though? (present tense update: Better in this case was to focus on myself, I sucked. It was so much I was tired of accepting or splitting my focus with. I couldn’t be my best “writer” so that’s where the feeling of being stuck came from. I was ready for that advancement creativity that had surpassed my individuality already) I don’t know exactly but I do know it isn’t what I am now. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, I’m not saying this to imply I’m beating myself up cause I am not. I’ve “enjoyed” every aspect that has got me here. But I assume as I’ve gotten older I just want to experience peace instead of pressure. The pressure don’t even be courtesy of me being proud of myself but more so to prove my abilities to— those who usually don’t even give a **** about me. Truly.

• 

  26.12.2020

• 

• 

• 

• 

I’m always anticipating something, I passively wasn’t giving a **** and it was taking just as much of a toll on me as if I were to stress over life due to unhappyness. A lot of habits I’ve developed stopped bringing me security, because it was never joy. And now I feel unguarded. I want to experience long term tranquility.

Suggestive Advice: Recognize progress is progress! I keep telling myself “I’m spoiled by desire and expectation.” Meaning my ability to want outweighs my appreciation and effort sometimes, not to say that I’m ungrateful. While my expectations give me a false sense of what is, to be. In my case I was eager to progress in a grand way that could be showcased to where I didn’t pay attention to the fact my “progress” might just be this journey of becoming more self aware/experiencing long term tranquility. As I’ve taken the time to work on, dedicate sincerity to, myself I’ve realized it’s “easier” for me to create, when I’m not confused. So the point is consider everything progress whether you like it or not. Don’t dismiss your progress because it isn’t “ideal” to what you believe progress is for real, you’re just discrediting yourself.

☆彡praise n blessings☆彡

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways. -Aunty

you can read about my last lap here and check out my favorite 2020 post.

The Gift Of The Gab

I will admit for the last several years I’ve been manipulative. I have always been aware my words are powerful and I’ve been using my abilities to be a passive evil, to myself. As I write this I will say because of this I’ve probably been my own “successful” obstacle for dedicating authentic time to do what I’ll be explaining. Instead of working towards pushing my heartfelt words for what they are.

Thankfully we live and we learn! And we learn as we live

So lets get to it!

I use the power of the tongue to…. wait. Manipulate is a Verb that means 1) “handle or control (a tool or mechanism) typically in a skillful manner. 2) “control or influence (a person) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.”

I think people sometimes mistake manipulation for gratitude

I guess you could say I use both definitions for two different instances; milking the white “corporate” man of course [I encourage everybody to do that]

And…

LOVE

That’s right. I will admit I use to manipulate conversations in order to get who I wanted and granted “don’t we” or really we all do, but I’m willing to admit I wasn’t doing it out of pure love. I don’t think anybody does it out of purity though, more often than not we are infatuated with the idea of [whatever] in regards to the other person to satisfy us and everything negates from there. A problem I had with myself is I am fully aware of this but I conditioned myself to be spoiled after I realized with effort I could sway the result of if someone navigated towards me. So will I say I was intentional with it? Not…at first, but shit it’s effective so of course why not do the honors of doing it again.

Do I regret it? Not at all. I have learned a lot of my fake romantic travesties have been brought on by myself.
With this crude idea of basic targeted communication I believe it spills over into the idea of being selfless. Selflessness is a sacrifice of self which isn’t entirely clever but love has the potential to taint, so whatever.
We dedicate ourselves to another willingly but not out of kindness when we are selfless! We do with entitlement, because in the back of our mind we’re owed something for being something as simple as “understanding” in order to be understood in the long run! It’s always an ulterior motive.

You can’t script a scripper baby!!

Now as far as friendships go, I do nothing of the sort, which is probably why they have by far lasted longer than my romantic instances.

But like I was saying that is manipulative, of me, and because I would feel so entitled to someone being in my life because I PUT IN ALL THIS UNSOLICITED EFFORT. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I eventually became too tired to keep up with my charades and could not understand why the other party in which I essentially set up wasn’t receptive to leaving me alone. In which I understand because I set them to be there, I created the convenience of me being there, how dare I take that away because I outgrew the maintenance or grew up in general.

On top of having the nerve to feel like they were usually ungrateful of my efforts on some “no matter what I do to assure their comfort, they always leave” type shit. Like honestly it’s well deserved for all the effort I went through to assure a position I made for myself unprovoked in addition to all things!

And you know this probably all starts from me loving to flatter people. I love to flirt, I like to chase, or use to at least because now I simply don’t care. But it has to be some kind of sweet talker complex that I have never cared to research. “The power of the tongue” they say.

How will I drop the habit?
I’m leaving people alone. I want to just mind my business for a year before I try to romantically co exist with someone else. Granted I was the one doing the most, I have also been treated in a distasteful manner and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to take the time to self reflect and trust intuition. In my case all my “effort”, manipulation, just was frivolous grand gesture. I’m sure this will be difficult for me since like I mention I am a chaser but it’s going to be good for me. I’ll be able to experience purity or shit even serenity, and I’m not going to have to work so hard because of intrigue. All the time I’ve dedicated to assuring people in my life I will give to my words and advancing my craft. I’m excited for that.

Well that’s all my good people! Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity, always. All ways.
XOXO – Aunty

Serenity, Surrendering, Self Esteem

Life sucks sometimes and that’s it!

Yes we could do better but could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. At some point it’s just talk and it’s easier to talk rather than listen.

I had to let my ass hit the ground with open arms recently and it was important to feel how it felt to not be my own saving grace.

What does it mean to surrender? I suppose it’s different for everybody depending on what you happen to be defeated by but if I speak for myself I’d say:

“I be so scared of change because I mistake growth for lack of control.”

Consider me an unorthodox neat freak when it comes to my life. And I’ve seem to grow tired rather than thankful as of late.

To surrender is to allow what is meant. See when we think of surrendering we think of being defeated which has a negative connotation. It’s truly not that bad, once you get out of your head.

With defeat comes new learning techniques to assure you aren’t to be defeated again, repetitively.

So with that being said… if we don’t “surrender” or experience defeat we will never see past what we already know and you’re eventually going to be playing ring around the rosie with inadequacy.

I wanted more for myself, in which I know I deserve, but I didn’t want to be wrong about what I thought I knew best (which is funny because clearly it wasn’t working for me anymore.)

To surrender to me is to accept it is more to— to be embarrassed, to wake up miserable, and to understand what you feel today can be in contrast to how you feel tomorrow… long as you allow your emotions to emote.

Serenity! Within constant battle against intuition you’ll never know what peace feels like. You’ll only ever experience breaks. [courtesy of unwarranted break downs]

Self esteem.. GET OVER YOURSELF! Nobody is perfect and it’s no blueprint on how to be the “perfect” person [wholeheartedly], only how to better yourself, personally. Even people who portray themselves as the ultimate person makes mistakes behind closed doors…and if they don’t imagine the pressure placed upon them to just know without trial and error.
We’ve all fallen before and we all tend to get up after doing so regardless.

• 

• 

• 

Wasn’t that an awfully long way to say “to surrender means to live life” huh.

All in all just thought I’d share because why not? Until next time wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity, always. All ways. Xoxo -Aunty

May the bridges i burn forever light the way.

I got a fucked up fetish of enjoying fucking with people.

My whole perception of love is romanticized karmic soul ties, it had nothing to do with self and I want better for myself. I’m bored, I’m tired, I’m selfish, and I don’t give a fuck.

I mentioned before it’s something gratifying about knowing someone don’t like you, or won’t admit it but won’t leave you alone. Very egotistical, I know, but to say it hasn’t effected me … it hasn’t. I can go back to my ways but I want to experience something new [which is probably just myself] the gratification has dissipated because I’m all money in…fatuated with myself. I’m fully aware the young men I have dealings with don’t give a fuck about me because that’s how I present myself. They probably think I don’t give a fuck about much of anything outside of music and shit I don’t know. Which wouldn’t be to far from the truth but that doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention and I’m not accountable, and that’s where things become a conflict of interest.

I’m hard to understand solely because people don’t want to be understanding is all.

The power I have, I don’t even know why I hold some kind of artificial importance in people lives [or maybe that’s how I perceive it]. It’s probably nothing of the sort except availability to be convenient. How “embarrassing”.

Let me tell you the first dealing with a young man I had I was fucking ghosted for reasons unknown. We’ve found our way back to each other per usual because I’m always available and over standing. But the way that influenced me; I’ve adjusted to lack of communication to where I’m just passive …and rarely aggressive and that is developed by considering bad habits from those I dedicate myself too. I’ve learned how to read between the lines of a book with no fucking words and that’s so pathetic. But that’s what I’ve grown to like.

Second instance was years later and an actual relationship. Wow, to be in love with the idea of what being in love feels like. I don’t regret it but as time has passed, and being essentially ghosted again by a completely different person, a more important person. I have figured out I was just a saving grace to aid in separation of a lack luster relationship, I was oblivious to, because I don’t ask questions, I don’t make comments, and my trust for people leads me to have no concerns. It’s a butterfly effect. So that stroked my ego even more so.. I helped teach someone how to love so they could love someone else correctly…outside of just extending myself once again to over stand why people are how they are. Kudos to fucking me.

I’m always making excuses for— including myself, I’m always trying to understand, I like dancing with the devil cause it keeps me on my toes, I like how it feels being warm from playing with fire, I liked being on someone’s mind but their last concern. As you get older you realize you’re just growing into looking for what you can’t put your finger on for self satisfaction. I must obviously feel not important at all to look at being convenient as a necessity instead of a amenity! It’s crazy. I’m learning though and it’s causing me to hide because I don’t give a fuck about nobody or anything except myself. Ironically I feel good. I feel self dependent. I feel like to be in my 20s and being selfishly selfless was just me being mildly manipulative. I feel like I am completely fucked and probably made to just learn as I live.

If I don’t know nothing else, I know I’m honest, aware, and nothing gets better unless you make it better. So I’ve been putting in effort to fixing myself. I’m over here irritated because I feel miserable and unsatisfied by my own self inflected agony. I’m fixing it though. I hope.

Wrote that under the full moon on the 31st and it’s my favorite thing to read at this time

May the bridges I burn forever light the way in my self discovery. Just thought I’d share my feelings since I’m willing.

Wishing everybody peace x joy x and prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty xoxo

I’m Doing Fine.

I’ve officially outgrown my desire for likes and all that superficial shit because what I put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. And that itself I’m thankful for.

I find myself stumbling across opportunities to work with and become friends with people who once inspired me, and that’s because of me as a person and my persistence. I feel like that’s enough honestly because I’m proud they see what they’ve contributed to. Especially while I feel like you can say I’m a “nobody” if you solely base my online presence over my ability to preform, which I understand if you do.

All in all I’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors for sure, in the very least, which is fine by me.

It’s a bigger everything to every action and I’m no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” because I’ve successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + everything else to co-exist in the world without expectation, which has humbled my disappointment and feeling of being “disregard”.

I’m chilling. I’m growing up. I’m learning. I still feel like I’m great but just don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know Ima be alright. I’m no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking”— resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what I, can, do! I’m excited and underwhelmed. I’m proud of me.

Like I say “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything. And everything isn’t meant for everybody” that’s the truth. It’s okay. It was a tweet (if I can find it I’ll link it) but it said something along the lines of “you become disconnected when you look at your talents as a commodity that’s not paying off.” And now that I’ve gotten over that… I feel more certain about what I’m doing and can’t wait to do more instead of feeling like I’m failing, I’m doing fine.

I feel back to normal, when I started all this I did it to get my feelings off mainly. I wanted to be open about not know, being wrong, and whatever else that comes with life and somewhere along the journey of just talking on the internet I got greedy. The society I was battling I joined forces with unintentionally and let it slow me down. And I had the nerve to allow it to make me question what I know best about myself. Being that I can write!!

Talk to y’all later! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways – Aunty

xoxo

Am I Sensitive?

I take just about everything personal.

Am I aware some people just do and don’t think? Yes.

Do I keep in mind not everybody has lived the same life as me therefore they might not think the same as me? Absolutely.

So why do I take everything so personally? Because I don’t do without intention and since I am aware of, or at least try to be, I find it to be a direct act against me when some things unravel the way they do. I believe everybody knows their intention even when they have none to begin with. So I myself refuse to believe, especially if it’s not voiced sincerely*.

I myself am a vocal being who makes what I will not accept evident; so to be battling what people think they can try screams “disregarding” to me so I take that personally as well. As someone not too inviting outside of social media when people do gain access to me, once I am disturbed … I take that personally. Because “why?” I feel like people go out their way to try and break me down sometimes and how rude is that.

Am I being sensitive?! Where does being sensitive & offended correlate? Let’s start by saying sensitivity isn’t even a bad thing. To be sensitive is to be clear, aware, and direct. If you don’t like something or need a little more tlc then so be it. It’s the people who like to be selfish and wreck havoc on other peoples lives in which think someone else being sensitive is a burden on their ability to destruct.

I do question my sensitivity though since when I do get “upset” I don’t know how to let my anger past. I dwell in the very least but like I said in the “forgetfulness” article … I don’t forgive or forget!! So maybe I should work on that, I’m probably not though, to be honest. Just something I noticed about myself this week and wanted to voice. Talk to everybody later.

! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways. – Aunty

& [this includes the sweet things in life, oh how sacred and valuable they are to me.]