Why Can’t I Preform While Not Under Pressure

Like the title says…

Why can’t I function when I’m not under pressure? I’m being a bit dramatic, I can function but the fact it’s nothing and my craftsmanship is based on ultimately the evolution of something… always happening. When nothing is going on I feel stuck.

I feel bored. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’m missing something else. It’s nothing to make happen. I ought of enjoy when peace stands still but look at me, trying not to stress because I’m not use to what it feels to be tranquil.

Maybe I should dedicate times like this to learn how to relax since I still haven’t seemed to make that one of my strong suits but instead I will solidify my month being “book & busy” in which I’m looking forward to. As I write I realize I’m beginning something new the month of September as well and I should take this time to transition forward clear minded. It’s something about moving like a madman that makes things more enjoyable to me because all in all I still managed to get “it” done. I wonder why ppl are so attached to struggle, black people/minorities that is..

I figure because it makes you seem like your work is more validated since it wasn’t easy to come by or that your actually working towards bettering something in whole whilst we don’t even know how to truly appreciate what better is; at least… I don’t clearly.

I’m trying though— with real efforts. Maybe I should also take this time to learn how to capture happyness and serenity in my literature. I’ve grown bored of writing about being sad all the time, I’m not sad all the time no more. And as of late I’ve been quiet but that’s because I don’t know how to put my peace into a perspective in which can be felt because I’m to busy waiting for it to leave instead of even feeling it to begin with it seems as I continue with this blog post.

I did find some time to write a poem a few days ago which I like honestly, it’s different from that particular narrative I hope you enjoy it as well!

Wishing everyone much Peace x Joy x Prosperity. Always, All Ways xoxo!!!

⁃ Aunty

I’M THINKING.

I’m thinking about life and I’m conflicted. I’m stuck between I’m thankful and also feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’ve probably wrote on this before but idk.

It’s different.

You’re probably like “bro something is always different to you”, “you can always ‘feel’ something” but that’s real spill.

I’ll probably write about not doing enough separately but to touch bases i don’t know how to execute. Or maybe I do but the uncertainty is the anchor at this time, all the time. Which also allows me to mention I’m ready to “risk it all” in order to experience a life I’m sure I should be living but can’t while being confided to the everyday livelihood agenda.

FUCK CAPITALISM

What if I stopped making time and just became. I’d propel in the direction I feel like I need to go in order to experience a whole different world created by myself. for myself and the comfort for others around me.

The fight I have with my mind (thinking I’m so grand)[in which I always will! nothing in me makes me want to think any less than as I say per usual, I’m created to be experienced] vs the lack of acknowledgement* I receive(as in a simple thank you)[because I know experiencing my existence is a blessing from whomever to whoever].

Nonetheless though I’m thankful. Forever thankful at that. I’m just realizing things and thinking. I’m the internetaunty— and that’s pretty much it. Currently slow and steady is the technique I’m using in order to run the race of life. And I’m building up endurance. stamina. But right now it’s like I’m learning the benefits to staying hydrated(consistent/structured).

S/n: I’m back at a place where I find security in being transparent. For the last couple of years I stopped writing about my feeling in article form but the poems have been rapid but in the same sense the poems where like a safe haven for me and my feelings. A set of words can mean anything to anybody, people who read them didn’t necessarily know what allowed me to create them. That was like a way not to be “embarrassed” (which I’m exchanging for shy/not forthcoming) when it comes to speaking my truth in regards of my “feelings”/emotions. I’m back though. I went back and read a few articles and I’m happy i was able to go back and read a few things from me that really broke certain things down and I know people probably feel the same way since great minds think alike. The point is, the transparent life reads are back.

Make sure you check out “I’m bored.” and “I’m confused.”

FUCK COVID BITCH

THIS SHIT SUCKS!

I like being in my home but not confined to it. I have never felt so estrange emotionally and mentally on and off in such a short period of time in a very controllable way.

I’m growing anxious and eager to be back putting out into the real world. As for me doing creative things it’s different seeing people adapt to being in the house and becoming innovative. So In a way I feel/felt kind of bad for myself for not having the drive to do so as well but the thing about what I do is whether it be as simple as a few words.. I put out based on experience(I’m not experiencing anything in the house) + feeling. Luckily this social isolation shit allowed me to capture how it’s making me feel in a way that’s true to what I do regularly resulting in this sporadic read.

To say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is very accurate. I feel so stuck and the difference between this and a creative block is the fact actions from everyday life isn’t helping guide me since… everyday life has essentially stopped. At least when I’m at a pause I can continue to work towards (everything I put out is an expression of how I interpret life so I’m always bound to figure something out in order to flow again). In this case I can’t do anything but sit on ideas, visions, and hope to eventually see things I imagined because I’m not settling with what I can do when I’m fully aware it’s more to be done in order to execute properly. The feeling of intentionally not doing what you would like to, to assure you’re becoming better because you’re well and able while knowing you can’t be your best is doing something to me.

To think and truly comprehend the idea that I’m “nervous” from sitting in the house sounds wicked but I suppose it’s part of some overzealous process of making a “debut”, again, because I have been revitalizing my ability to put out new pieces and expand.

I was so happy to be finally expanding myself in different sectors of being creative and then life just froze. I HATE IT. In addition to being ardent in regards of when you get back to what you do best, it’s a possibility you lost it since realistically stuff won’t be the same. Although change and growth is good when it’s unprovoked/forced I’m realizing it is so WEAK to the point it’s unappreciated.

All Photos Were Taken By Seamscomplicated

Short Sermon: 8 Mile

I feel very powerful after I’ve expressed myself because I’ve basically put myself in a position of risky vulnerability, but since I established my feelings [by living in them] they can’t be held against me. Speaking my truth, the acknowledgment of my emotions, or just taking the time to voice myself without second guessing how I’m feeling to begin with all plays a role people probably write off unintentionally. Living in fear of, is how someone else might feel about the idea of feelings [that belong to them] which is kind of understandable but absurd if you really analyze it and it does you no justice in moving forward or learning if you purposely make the point to disregard. No one can make me feel as if my feelings are invalid because they’re already felt and established. No one can make me feel bad about how I’m feeling because I’ve done that for myself essentially; clearly I felt such a way but sometimes you wonder are the feelings being felt worth it. We tend to base it on circumstances that made us feel the particular way to begin with when what matters is you. We live without realizing how much power is given to someone/something over us oppose to being brave enough to live in your feelings un-apologetically, by giving yourself the strength you needed to get through whatever because you’ve already got through the hard part and that’s analyzing > understanding > feeling > understanding how you feel or setting a standard to make sure you don’t want to feel in particular again since that’s passive endurement doesn’t make you weak.

I’ve learned to embrace my feelings in a less of words because I feel proud I was able to get through it and then move on or revisit without feeling bad for myself.

Just Finished My 21st Lap Around the Sun

Intro: I’m making it a annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

As I’ve been on my journey to 22 I’ve realized I’ve spoiled myself with independence which is simply my ability to be unavailable on my own terms.

I’ve grown use to people not being in my life long term so I’ve just stopped assuring comfort to keep people by my side. Due to the rationality if I did, they’d still leave anyways and that’s “fine”.

It has gotten to the point where I’ve isolated myself into a phase where I’m more often than not unimpressed, unamused, and uninterested. Resulting in me being impressed, amused, and interested only in myself on a personal level. I’ve become an “I don’t feel like it” kind of person when it comes to my dealing with people (which is fine to a certain extent but I’m aware I abuse the ability to) and it has become an extremity. If I don’t feel like it I just won’t do which is selfish but here’s how I justify it; I don’t offer myself to others to “deal” with because I’m for certain I wouldn’t even “deal” with myself under these circumstances if given the option.

All of this contributes to me becoming one with my lonesomeness. I find a certain security in isolation. Another factor that I feel plays a role in this development is not dating or being in relationships and that’s when you start developing the importance of people along with building the idea of what attachment is and can be. Therefore I have no true understanding of what attachment is and I find it to be interchangeable with being … dependent (from what I’ve seen), which isn’t good.

Essentially the point is I’m very selfish because I never had to be considerate (I don’t get the chance to) and as a young observant adult I have no reason to “endure” the actions or feelings of others, like I see people do all the time, because I know how it feels to be by myself and I’m quite used to it.

2019 was the year I stopped disregarding my introverted sacred self and respected my ability to not be so socially active yet still big on presence. I also realized my expectations for people and things are not high so I’m rarely ever disappointed in anything or anybody that isn’t myself, causing me to walk through life very neutral because of acceptance, since I have the ability to control what I accept in the first place.

I explained all of that loosely so what I have to say next is a little more understandable in a realm [un]related to.

I’ve realized my ability to be a people person is slowly deteriorating. Sometimes hearing or having to listen to people irritates me.
Sometimes being around too many people drives me mad.
Sometimes I just don’t want to talk [in addition to me not wanting to listen and then process a thought to respond generally].
It’s so much I don’t care to do if it’s not on my terms and I’ve realized how bad that is that I’m comfortable, I’m in control.
Unsolicited or unwanted interaction in physical form has the tendency to just infuriate me and it’s really not that serious nor do I think it’s “healthy”.

But I’m also grown so on my journey to 23 and I figured I’d extend myself so I’m not so hard to co-exist with due to trapping myself in such an isolated place.

A part of me just is sure I’ll never be understood so I rarely put in to be more understanding, these days.

I’m in the middle of catching up with myself and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t learn as I lived to take accountability for my actions though. I’ve been processing a lot of feelings over the last two years which probably built this ultimately what I’ll consider a hiding place. A hiding place I’ve created and now I feel like I’ve took the time to understand myself enough to understand realistically… “I need to fix this” I’m ready to be experienced again.

I had to learn how to respect my feelings by allowing them to— I had to understand that when I allow my feelings I don’t take away from my character or that the feelings I had in the beginning are suddenly invalid. I had to understand that when circumstances change I’m allowed to change how I feel too! I unintentionally kept myself stagnant by thinking more than I felt and I was feeling a lot so it made me think I’d handle everything better by not dealing with at all.

Suggestive advice: A change isn’t always good or bad, it’s just a change in what you’re used to. The tricky part is understanding that and reacting to it in either a good or bad way which sets the tone on what comes about next and that’s usually the healing process because everything gets analyzed during that process whether it be of any importance.

I was busy trying to respect the feelings of the past (which didn’t apply anymore) to assure a present/future I was going to live regardless.

Suggestive Advice Cont. All in all my message is to allow yourself.
Allow yourself whatever you need in order to be better but first take accountability that you’re not okay and or where you’d like to be.
Approve the shift in character in order to allow yourself to fix yourself. Allow yourself the anger you might feel like you’re better than.
Allow yourself the sadness you might be tired of fighting.
Allow yourself the disappointment you weren’t looking forward to.
Allow yourself the stupidity you thought you were smarter than.

I didn’t allow myself, which allowed me to just become closed off.

Wishing everyone much peace, joy, and prosperity always, all ways.

Here’s a link to Last Year’s

I Don’t know how I feel about White People.

White People
I don’t know how I feel about white people.
“They coo” and I mean that in the most black way, well some of them.
I have white acquaintances for sure, I don’t go out of my way to wreak havoc on them, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m very neutral when it comes to “white people”.

I spent an hour trying to figure out what white person contributes to my peace in a sense and I’m starting to realize they don’t. Due to the fact we’re on two different spectrum’s of life because of race in general. I don’t expect them to do anything but have respect and respect the idea that they’ll more often than never sincerely understand.

I also wonder how white people feel being white.
I wonder if the white people with leveled comprehension skills are aware how much of burden white people can be to black people.
I wonder how the white people who keep it copacetic really feel about black people without disregard they’re probably still a little prejudice, I wonder do they accept that about themselves.
I wonder how it feels for white people to hear how unfavorable they are to mass majority of an entire race, even if they haven’t done anything wrong to them, because I know how it feels… I know how it feels to be effected by mere feelings but see, no matter how black people feel the chances are white people won’t even be effected by it.

I’ve always wondered are white people aware they have the tendency to embody the exact negative narrative they created about black people, I’m not scared of them but they scare me (that made sense if you’re black).
I don’t think white people live on high hopes in regards of their whole race… but then again maybe they do. It might be some white people who have sense and wish they’re race as a collective did better to—, but a part of me invalidates everything about a white person in a very respectful way.

I question everything about them and to say I’d be offended if they did the same to me is very true but they do.. so I understand.
I understand the difference between the two of us.
On my side of the fence we have our back against the wall because it’s safe there. While also having to acknowledge the fact that people who live in a different universe like to hop over the fence unwarranted to prove they deserve to be there. Mind you while of all this is happening in the back of our mind we’re reminded we’re not welcomed anywhere.

I wonder how this will read or how it will even be interpreted to a white person because I know they just won’t understand.
They don’t understand I’m very aware of my life because, because of them we don’t have the luxury to be kids, we have to take accountability that white people don’t have to take accountability for themselves. It’s so much I wonder and to think I’d be able to comprehend their justification unlike them who love to invalidate blackness and explanation. I just pay attention.
I just pay attention because it’s not safe to be black.

Thought: I Get Over It Only To Get Back Under It.

You get to a point where you’re just over it.

You get to a point where you’re just over it, you think.
It’s a very enjoyable yet temporary I’d call feeling, but it’s more so a realization that’s very reoccurring.

The carelessness has the ability to be so peace filled. I assume being careless resulting in you caring less is the only control you have over yourself when emotionally and mentally everything has become so numb you’re stuck. To not necessarily care about anything and to just feel without thinking, to do without explanation, and just follow is the only time everything is alright because you don’t have the energy to question the hopes of making sense of the senseless.

Then something clicks and you realize stuff beyond your control sucks! Without explanation it was some underlying trigger that now has you bothered, offended to say the least. You can’t fathom the thought of certain aspects of life. Yet you try so not your back where you started not over it, in act under it more likely than not.

In all I feel like this happens to be courtesy of you perceiving situations however you perceived them without being able to acknowledge how you feel (felt). So you hold onto it hoping for the day you get the chance to explain or even bring pain to whatever disturbed you and the only way to do that is to not forget. [Sounds like an uncanny defense mechanism that only contributes stress to one party but, “go off”.] So we aren’t giving ourselves the opportunity to move past… when in hindsight we need to work it out independently because no one cares except us.

New Age Rhythm and Blues

Everybody was so upset when old heads didn’t recognize the sounds, artistry, and other elements of what is now considered rap, in 2019. We stressed that times have changed and so did the sound therefore it should be respected. I’m saying this to say we are unconsciously doing the same thing to the genre of R&B which is very much alive and well.

Kehlani by IG: @VinceCorona__

what is R&B? R&B is an abbreviation for Rhythm and Blues. 2.) A kind of pop music of African American origin with a soulful vocal style featuring improvisation.

” In classic R&B, there is a straight up stacking of vocal harmonies, which writer-musician Stuart Goosman says reminds him of the urban environments of Baltimore and Washington DC where the music got its start. He suggests that the physical and psychic aspects of the city, in particular, those cities’ urban segregation, helped shape the consciousness of the musicians, who freed themselves through the limitlessness of singing, engaging the imagination to soar beyond the limitations of place. ” – Mark Edward Nero

read more in the article “The origin and history of R&B Music”
[From Left to Right]: Brent Faiyaz by Zhamakthecat, Ty Dolla Sign, Masego by Filmawi, SiR

Why don’t we consider what’s being put out in today’s time “R&B” for what it is, which is “R&B”. We have Ari Lennox, SiR, Snoh Aalegra, Chloe x Halle, Nao, H.E.R, Jesse Reyes, Luke James, Teyana Taylor, Ty Dolla Sign, 6LACK, Eric Bellinger, Brent Faiyaz, Jeremih, in addition to all the your classic r&b singers still dropping music that goes unnoticed essentially because it is OLD. “New age” R&B accommodates the new age sound and lifestyle. No, people aren’t making it a point to beg to be loved on records as much because it’s a thing this generation has and that’s self worth. Rhythm & Blues..

I see a lot of slander from consumers complaining that some of these up and coming artist don’t have the range of artist such as Whitney Houston for example. When in reality the masses would still come for them if they even tried to wear themselves thin vocally oppose to what they know they can do and create with to still put out quality music.

[From Left to Right]: Snoh Allergra by Grizzleearts, Chloe x Halle, Jorja Smith by Michaelaquan, Leven Kali by Karoni

It’s a simple solution for all of this selfish consumption. Go listen to the old stuff from older eras if you happen to be one of those who mistake nostalgia for micro-aggressive fandom because depending on your age range it was a simpler time when “I want to put you to bed, bed, bed” by J. holiday was playing uncontrollably and you want to keep triggering you brain to relive those feelings therefore you don’t accept progression but have the nerve to disguise it all as a critique. 

People don’t even pay attention to the fact remixes or beat samples doesn’t coincide with longevity..it’s cute though, the sound burns out fast due the fact we’ve not only heard it before; it makes us want to go listen to how it was originally sung AND we are use to it already. People want progression and newness they just don’t know how to embrace it or developed the ears for it yet.

Then we have the R&B artist that prosper enough get on labels that end up trying to reconstruct their artistry as a whole. Resulting in us either getting silence or no music of original substance since the point of it is to contribute to getting out of such contract. Those particular artist have been seeming to go independent in order to reinvent themselves; a good example of this is Tinashe who just put out “Songs for You”, be sure to run it up whilst an often asked question is “what happen to Tinashe?” among others.

Tinashe by IG Jasonaltaan Hair: @Lilhunty_ Make-up: @Raoulalejandre Stylist: @mmmmylipshurt

Make sure you take the time to check out:
Pink Sweat$
Masego
Lucky Daye
Quin
Mariah The Scientist
Yuna
Tony Collins
ODIE
Sy Ari da kid
Yo Trane
Rico Love
PJ Morton
Kiana Lede

If you made it here and I might’ve forgot anybody it would be greatly appreciated if you left a comment listening who to “put us on”, share a playlist if you care to, even care to elaborate if you will.