Just Finished My 22nd Lap Around The Sun

Intro: I’m making it an annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

👉🏾👈🏾

On my journey to 23 I found myself Surrendering. I’m giving up in the best way, I’m always hard on myself but for what?! As I went through 2020 I have realized it’s not a correct way to do any of this shit! You know how much of 2020 was made up? Stuff we never seen or was told was irrational, “CrAzy”, was done to compensate for the limit being pushed. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?!

And even with compromise, or what’s the word? Like when you have no script… Impromptu! ass plans to keep everything copacetic in theory everything still failed, but we got through it.

I say this to say progress is made up, success is made up, I had to talk myself through the fact wanting more is perpendicular to greed for essentially no reason[maybe because we see extreme greed sprout from humble beginnings]. Especially since my want for comfort doesn’t call for others to have less. In addition to what I’ve been gauging “success” by, others… so I had to realize the beating path of “others” also has nothing to do with ME. On top of the fact most of the time I’ve advanced, so I shouldn’t knock that because it’s not what I’ve been taught advancement was, ideally, in the worse way.

All these years I’ve been very satisfied with what is me and I just got the urge to do “better“. What is better though? (present tense update: Better in this case was to focus on myself, I sucked. It was so much I was tired of accepting or splitting my focus with. I couldn’t be my best “writer” so that’s where the feeling of being stuck came from. I was ready for that advancement creativity that had surpassed my individuality already) I don’t know exactly but I do know it isn’t what I am now. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, I’m not saying this to imply I’m beating myself up cause I am not. I’ve “enjoyed” every aspect that has got me here. But I assume as I’ve gotten older I just want to experience peace instead of pressure. The pressure don’t even be courtesy of me being proud of myself but more so to prove my abilities to— those who usually don’t even give a **** about me. Truly.

• 

  26.12.2020

• 

• 

• 

• 

I’m always anticipating something, I passively wasn’t giving a **** and it was taking just as much of a toll on me as if I were to stress over life due to unhappyness. A lot of habits I’ve developed stopped bringing me security, because it was never joy. And now I feel unguarded. I want to experience long term tranquility.

Suggestive Advice: Recognize progress is progress! I keep telling myself “I’m spoiled by desire and expectation.” Meaning my ability to want outweighs my appreciation and effort sometimes, not to say that I’m ungrateful. While my expectations give me a false sense of what is, to be. In my case I was eager to progress in a grand way that could be showcased to where I didn’t pay attention to the fact my “progress” might just be this journey of becoming more self aware/experiencing long term tranquility. As I’ve taken the time to work on, dedicate sincerity to, myself I’ve realized it’s “easier” for me to create, when I’m not confused. So the point is consider everything progress whether you like it or not. Don’t dismiss your progress because it isn’t “ideal” to what you believe progress is for real, you’re just discrediting yourself.

☆彡praise n blessings☆彡

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways. -Aunty

you can read about my last lap here and check out my favorite 2020 post.

The Gift Of The Gab

I will admit for the last several years I’ve been manipulative. I have always been aware my words are powerful and I’ve been using my abilities to be a passive evil, to myself. As I write this I will say because of this I’ve probably been my own “successful” obstacle for dedicating authentic time to do what I’ll be explaining. Instead of working towards pushing my heartfelt words for what they are.

Thankfully we live and we learn! And we learn as we live

So lets get to it!

I use the power of the tongue to…. wait. Manipulate is a Verb that means 1) “handle or control (a tool or mechanism) typically in a skillful manner. 2) “control or influence (a person) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.”

I think people sometimes mistake manipulation for gratitude

I guess you could say I use both definitions for two different instances; milking the white “corporate” man of course [I encourage everybody to do that]

And…

LOVE

That’s right. I will admit I use to manipulate conversations in order to get who I wanted and granted “don’t we” or really we all do, but I’m willing to admit I wasn’t doing it out of pure love. I don’t think anybody does it out of purity though, more often than not we are infatuated with the idea of [whatever] in regards to the other person to satisfy us and everything negates from there. A problem I had with myself is I am fully aware of this but I conditioned myself to be spoiled after I realized with effort I could sway the result of if someone navigated towards me. So will I say I was intentional with it? Not…at first, but shit it’s effective so of course why not do the honors of doing it again.

Do I regret it? Not at all. I have learned a lot of my fake romantic travesties have been brought on by myself.
With this crude idea of basic targeted communication I believe it spills over into the idea of being selfless. Selflessness is a sacrifice of self which isn’t entirely clever but love has the potential to taint, so whatever.
We dedicate ourselves to another willingly but not out of kindness when we are selfless! We do with entitlement, because in the back of our mind we’re owed something for being something as simple as “understanding” in order to be understood in the long run! It’s always an ulterior motive.

You can’t script a scripper baby!!

Now as far as friendships go, I do nothing of the sort, which is probably why they have by far lasted longer than my romantic instances.

But like I was saying that is manipulative, of me, and because I would feel so entitled to someone being in my life because I PUT IN ALL THIS UNSOLICITED EFFORT. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I eventually became too tired to keep up with my charades and could not understand why the other party in which I essentially set up wasn’t receptive to leaving me alone. In which I understand because I set them to be there, I created the convenience of me being there, how dare I take that away because I outgrew the maintenance or grew up in general.

On top of having the nerve to feel like they were usually ungrateful of my efforts on some “no matter what I do to assure their comfort, they always leave” type shit. Like honestly it’s well deserved for all the effort I went through to assure a position I made for myself unprovoked in addition to all things!

And you know this probably all starts from me loving to flatter people. I love to flirt, I like to chase, or use to at least because now I simply don’t care. But it has to be some kind of sweet talker complex that I have never cared to research. “The power of the tongue” they say.

How will I drop the habit?
I’m leaving people alone. I want to just mind my business for a year before I try to romantically co exist with someone else. Granted I was the one doing the most, I have also been treated in a distasteful manner and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to take the time to self reflect and trust intuition. In my case all my “effort”, manipulation, just was frivolous grand gesture. I’m sure this will be difficult for me since like I mention I am a chaser but it’s going to be good for me. I’ll be able to experience purity or shit even serenity, and I’m not going to have to work so hard because of intrigue. All the time I’ve dedicated to assuring people in my life I will give to my words and advancing my craft. I’m excited for that.

Well that’s all my good people! Until next time, Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity, always. All ways.
XOXO – Aunty

Serenity, Surrendering, Self Esteem

Life sucks sometimes and that’s it!

Yes we could do better but could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. At some point it’s just talk and it’s easier to talk rather than listen.

I had to let my ass hit the ground with open arms recently and it was important to feel how it felt to not be my own saving grace.

What does it mean to surrender? I suppose it’s different for everybody depending on what you happen to be defeated by but if I speak for myself I’d say:

“I be so scared of change because I mistake growth for lack of control.”

Consider me an unorthodox neat freak when it comes to my life. And I’ve seem to grow tired rather than thankful as of late.

To surrender is to allow what is meant. See when we think of surrendering we think of being defeated which has a negative connotation. It’s truly not that bad, once you get out of your head.

With defeat comes new learning techniques to assure you aren’t to be defeated again, repetitively.

So with that being said… if we don’t “surrender” or experience defeat we will never see past what we already know and you’re eventually going to be playing ring around the rosie with inadequacy.

I wanted more for myself, in which I know I deserve, but I didn’t want to be wrong about what I thought I knew best (which is funny because clearly it wasn’t working for me anymore.)

To surrender to me is to accept it is more to— to be embarrassed, to wake up miserable, and to understand what you feel today can be in contrast to how you feel tomorrow… long as you allow your emotions to emote.

Serenity! Within constant battle against intuition you’ll never know what peace feels like. You’ll only ever experience breaks. [courtesy of unwarranted break downs]

Self esteem.. GET OVER YOURSELF! Nobody is perfect and it’s no blueprint on how to be the “perfect” person [wholeheartedly], only how to better yourself, personally. Even people who portray themselves as the ultimate person makes mistakes behind closed doors…and if they don’t imagine the pressure placed upon them to just know without trial and error.
We’ve all fallen before and we all tend to get up after doing so regardless.

• 

• 

• 

Wasn’t that an awfully long way to say “to surrender means to live life” huh.

All in all just thought I’d share because why not? Until next time wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity, always. All ways. Xoxo -Aunty

I Don’t know how I feel about White People.

White People
I don’t know how I feel about white people.
“They coo” and I mean that in the most black way, well some of them.
I have white acquaintances for sure, I don’t go out of my way to wreak havoc on them, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m very neutral when it comes to “white people”.

I spent an hour trying to figure out what white person contributes to my peace in a sense and I’m starting to realize they don’t. Due to the fact we’re on two different spectrum’s of life because of race in general. I don’t expect them to do anything but have respect and respect the idea that they’ll more often than never sincerely understand.

I also wonder how white people feel being white.
I wonder if the white people with leveled comprehension skills are aware how much of burden white people can be to black people.
I wonder how the white people who keep it copacetic really feel about black people without disregard they’re probably still a little prejudice, I wonder do they accept that about themselves.
I wonder how it feels for white people to hear how unfavorable they are to mass majority of an entire race, even if they haven’t done anything wrong to them, because I know how it feels… I know how it feels to be effected by mere feelings but see, no matter how black people feel the chances are white people won’t even be effected by it.

I’ve always wondered are white people aware they have the tendency to embody the exact negative narrative they created about black people, I’m not scared of them but they scare me (that made sense if you’re black).
I don’t think white people live on high hopes in regards of their whole race… but then again maybe they do. It might be some white people who have sense and wish they’re race as a collective did better to—, but a part of me invalidates everything about a white person in a very respectful way.

I question everything about them and to say I’d be offended if they did the same to me is very true but they do.. so I understand.
I understand the difference between the two of us.
On my side of the fence we have our back against the wall because it’s safe there. While also having to acknowledge the fact that people who live in a different universe like to hop over the fence unwarranted to prove they deserve to be there. Mind you while of all this is happening in the back of our mind we’re reminded we’re not welcomed anywhere.

I wonder how this will read or how it will even be interpreted to a white person because I know they just won’t understand.
They don’t understand I’m very aware of my life because, because of them we don’t have the luxury to be kids, we have to take accountability that white people don’t have to take accountability for themselves. It’s so much I wonder and to think I’d be able to comprehend their justification unlike them who love to invalidate blackness and explanation. I just pay attention.
I just pay attention because it’s not safe to be black.