Depression: Nobody Cares About Me

This is written in present tense, because I didn’t take the time to edit it. I wrote this January 31 and just held onto it, published “I might be!…the problem” instead for the month of February.

I know I’m loved and I know if I felt like voicing that I feel like nobody cared about me; my loved ones would be concerned, apologetic, or like “bye” so I keep it to myself — even though it’s how I feel because psychologically I just know it’s not ME feeling such a way. But I do.

I be depressed, sometimes.
the point here is an example of mind vs emotion & how it effects me, sometimes. I don’t know what people think when they think about depression but…

The month of January has been good to me but also empty. I started the month sad. I even snapped on a few people who wouldn’t just let me accompany my misery in solitude(selective isolation).
I like to isolate myself at times like this because it’s just easier than explaining some shit that doesn’t make sense[like this blog post]. So I don’t come across as selfish to those who enjoy my presence while also not wanting to “worry” because times like these go just as much as they come.

Anyways, stuff started lightening up for me and I’ve been eating! Which is big for someone who eats a meal like every 36 hours if not 1x a day. So to see myself “fill out” helped encourage me to continue to eat which made me happy, I thought.

And I must mention I’m writing this very disappointed in the unpredictable sadness getting ready to sink in.
I’m starting to slow down, I’m getting angry, and I’m eating less…

NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME:

To be easily irritated, loved, and also aware you can’t control how you feel about certain things. For example, I genuinely feel like nobody cares about me (at this time) regardless of any effort to counter my feelings & it’s very unfortunate. [The battle of self awareness to where I know not to take it personally annoys me.]

It’s makes me upset that I feel like “nobody cares about me” while also knowing any interaction with others has the potential to drive me mad. Why am I like this? I have no answer, it’s no answer. Or to even depend on isolation because I don’t care to say “hey! I need some extra love, kindness, or what-fucking-ever” because WHY?????? WHY DO I???

To know people want to love me yet the idea overwhelms me which makes me avoid the interaction truly bothers me because it can solve how I’m feeling.

To know the nothing that is wrong with me is something propels me downward even more, I just woke up and gradually started feeling like this.

In my mind “nobody cares about me” which feeds into an underlying sadness that’s always on standby. That results in me thinking more than I feel > forgetting to eat > not having the stamina for basic self care > having so much on my mind to the point I can’t focus, listen, or even enjoy.

Then it leaves and I’m okay again 🙂

I hate the passive aggression.
I hate feeling pressured to commit to daily life task while feeling down and out because my sadness doesn’t outshine the show that’s must go on.
I hate training or having to remind myself to calm down because I don’t feel … yet want to and since I can’t, I decide to feel fury?
I hate trying my best to not feel defeated by myself. It’s just so much anger and irritation beyond my control.

As you can see here I was so so so angry, which is 1) normal for me when the switch flips but was driven by feeling uncared about. Which was unsolicited and probably my fault because some source of sadness that translates as irritation… & doesn’t allow me to be receptive of interaction unless I FEEL LIKE IT. Which is incredibly one sided. Crazy.

That’s it, it was no way to conclude the post because just as sporadic as this ended, everything that contributed to this post stops. It’s nothing to break down because it’s just not.

Disclaimer: I ask not to be checked on if you ever make it here[for future reference]. It’s not that serious because deep down I know my feelings are adjacent to “I’m tripping” but I just thought I’d share what depression can be for me at particular times + it’s effectiveness.

LOVE YALL THO! THANK YOU ❤

xoxo wishing everybody peace x joy x prosperity always, all ways

I suppose knowing my feelings will go away eventually helps.

I Don’t know how I feel about White People.

White People
I don’t know how I feel about white people.
“They coo” and I mean that in the most black way, well some of them.
I have white acquaintances for sure, I don’t go out of my way to wreak havoc on them, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m very neutral when it comes to “white people”.

I spent an hour trying to figure out what white person contributes to my peace in a sense and I’m starting to realize they don’t. Due to the fact we’re on two different spectrum’s of life because of race in general. I don’t expect them to do anything but have respect and respect the idea that they’ll more often than never sincerely understand.

I also wonder how white people feel being white.
I wonder if the white people with leveled comprehension skills are aware how much of burden white people can be to black people.
I wonder how the white people who keep it copacetic really feel about black people without disregard they’re probably still a little prejudice, I wonder do they accept that about themselves.
I wonder how it feels for white people to hear how unfavorable they are to mass majority of an entire race, even if they haven’t done anything wrong to them, because I know how it feels… I know how it feels to be effected by mere feelings but see, no matter how black people feel the chances are white people won’t even be effected by it.

I’ve always wondered are white people aware they have the tendency to embody the exact negative narrative they created about black people, I’m not scared of them but they scare me (that made sense if you’re black).
I don’t think white people live on high hopes in regards of their whole race… but then again maybe they do. It might be some white people who have sense and wish they’re race as a collective did better to—, but a part of me invalidates everything about a white person in a very respectful way.

I question everything about them and to say I’d be offended if they did the same to me is very true but they do.. so I understand.
I understand the difference between the two of us.
On my side of the fence we have our back against the wall because it’s safe there. While also having to acknowledge the fact that people who live in a different universe like to hop over the fence unwarranted to prove they deserve to be there. Mind you while of all this is happening in the back of our mind we’re reminded we’re not welcomed anywhere.

I wonder how this will read or how it will even be interpreted to a white person because I know they just won’t understand.
They don’t understand I’m very aware of my life because, because of them we don’t have the luxury to be kids, we have to take accountability that white people don’t have to take accountability for themselves. It’s so much I wonder and to think I’d be able to comprehend their justification unlike them who love to invalidate blackness and explanation. I just pay attention.
I just pay attention because it’s not safe to be black.

It’s not safe to be black

It’s not safe to be black but we been knew that
how could something so divine sometimes make me cry
I can’t explain it and I live it so I’m sure you can’t grasp it and I need you to understand that
we laugh so we don’t dwell in our sadness since all our tears are invalid

Many can’t relate but much rather sit in our face and soak up our grace to simply throw it back in our face while persistently trying to take our place

It’s not safe to be black but we been knew that
I’m uncomfortable, I’m worried, I’m smothered in feelings I’m not allowed to feel
for expression is mistaken for aggression although I thought I was just communicating
I trade my certainty for the opportunity to assure I can live to see another day
and that’s still not enough
I can’t relax anything can happen, to me, then be justified as tough love

You can’t relax when you’re on edge because you have to think however many seconds ahead of a trigger in order to escape your own fate

I think about the day I’ll die, the tears my family will cry
How as I lose my life my thoughts won’t be to reminisce but to think about everything differently I could’ve did when I didn’t even do anything to begin with

Our sadness is a party for uninvited pity, please believe I’m PROUD! just disappointed that the world frowns when they see me

It’s not safe to be black but we been knew that
It’s not safe to be black but for some reason only we can see that
It’s not safe to be black but nobody wants to talk about that, they much rather mention the way pants sag
It’s not safe to be black but I wouldn’t want to have it any other way and all my pride is built off that

I hope you see this

I hope you see this, I hope you feel this
I hope you read this, I hope you see this
I hope when I see you I’m able to be mean to you, for i hope it makes you sad
although it’s clear you don’t care, let alone about me, therefore you’d probably be glad
unfortunately I can’t say I hate you because it wouldn’t be true.
I disregard my feelings to justify yours which is clear to be untrue.

I hope you read this, I hope you feel this
I hope you see this, I hope you feel this
even though I’m sure how I felt you can’t even deal with the idea of. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made me deal with while thinking of…
you.

I hope you read this, I know you’ll see this
I hope it makes you cry at night, when you’re alone, when you’re at home, but it probably wont so yet again I waste my time.

“Not subject to any conditions”

As I get older I realize I’m to genuine to be involved with people frivolously. I can’t half ass my sincerity so I rather not deal with anything as such regardless of the potential of what could be.

I hate conditional everything that has to do with a bond I share with anyone!

I just can’t accept it willingly. It makes me uncomfortable in a sense and as I get older I find myself finding comfort in people. Possibly due to my lack of family, so any time I invite someone in I try to assure them comfort. I enter every bond with the idea it’ll be long term, long term comes with the ability to understand, feel, and whatever else makes any kind of relationship strong to you but what is that if it’s under certain terms and conditions. Conditional is a lack of respect, trust, and belief.

I notice people love the sense of security I give them but don’t offer it back. Maybe they don’t know how to be unconditional.. maybe all their life they’ve only experienced a bond under conditions that didn’t offer them everlasting comfort and stability.

A part of me always wants to prove my unconditional everything by offering the ability to understand they might need to adjust to the lifestyle. While my wisdom recognizes that some people don’t even care to try.. probably due to a lack of belief and I’d hate to prove them right by removing myself from them completely. When you’re this unconditional we speak of you always end up offering your presence under any circumstances it’s just up to the recipient to accept and or acknowledge it.

I find myself wishing the world was more sincere, wishing people knew the importance of everything they do with emphasis on how they receive people, wishing we took a little more accountability for our actions without having to be reminded.