Short Sermon: Allow yourself to be Embarrassed

Value the feeling of embarrassment.

Once you get over it the first time you’ll either realize it wasn’t that bad or you’ll put in the effort to not feel that way again.

Every time I publish a set of words I hate them and I start to hate the publishing completely. Rarely do I ever feel like “Wow this is good!” and even when I do by the time I’m finish.. I hate it. I feel like it loses it’s value. I feel like it’s whack! I could’ve done better, I’m lacking what others possess so easily, yet I still put it out.

Why do I still put it out content I don’t feel sure about? Because first off I know sometimes it’s just me excepting myself to be so great off the rip. Realistically how am I suppose to get better without the advances to learn.

It’s many elements I know I lack because I keep going, if I didn’t have proof my words from late 2016 are far more poorly put together I wouldn’t be proud of how far the structure of my words have come as time has progressed.

I knew what I didn’t have, I knew what had the potential to discourage me, I knew what everyone else had, I knew when I started I’d be a mess, but I also knew for sure I’d be good at what I wanted to do, I knew what I had to say held weight! SO I encourage everyone to “make it happen” regardless of circumstances and build, try.

After my 2016 go at things 2017 had me feeling like “okay, I’m good at this” according to the elements of my 2018 set of publishing’s the literacy of 2017 probably truly sucked but I would’ve never had the opportunity to value the structure of what I’ve been putting out 2019. I’ve learned so much forcing myself to step in front of “embarrassment”, even though I feel admirable of my ability to execute my craft and or put things together YEARS! Later. I have had the opportunity to notice everything else I need to work on to elevate me even higher.

Essentially the point is to not weaken yourself or contribute to your stagnation because you don’t want to be embarrassed, eventually it’ll become a moment you can laugh at to only smile at your strength.

I’m referring to this as “embarrassment” but as I finalize this I’m realizing that It’s the feeling of being mediocre that is what’s embarrassing and that’s okay because with time you’ll develop the ability to be as great as you desire to be. I also suppose how things are to be perceived by others can have you on the fence but remember everything isn’t for everybody.

Inconsistency

I’ve been extremely inconsistent and it’s probably due to the inability to control my emotions.

I’ve been extremely inconsistent and that’s probably how I’ve been able to keep it together although it’s getting hard. I’m overwhelmed by emotions I much rather not acknowledge and with that I feel like individuals have been trying to drain me of my sincerity because they know it’s unconditional. Stuck between a rock and lots of tears since I know changing in order to protect myself would alter how I flow so meaningfully, people deserve me, people deserve to experience my love and their ability to be sacred to me. It gets hard when it’s not appreciated but taken advantage of with no “thank you” even though you don’t need to hear “thank you” because that everlasting passion is you. I do this. All I ask is not to be selfish with it(me) though.

I can’t even be at peace with my actions because I’m considerate of how they’d make others feel although I still do them because I must move forward as everybody else. It’s almost like I can’t enjoy the fruits of my labors.

I struggle with the battle of being open yet unreceptive in the hopes it brings me clarity on how to move forward knowing people don’t care about you unless it’s beneficial for keeping their peace meaning they disregard and destroy yours.

I suppose when you’re willing with your feelings people forget you have them. Not even respecting the process it took for you to get where you were when they disturbed you. Not even respecting that you saw what you seen in them that allowed them in to disturb you. Not even respecting the boundaries you must create in order to get almost to that place you once were when you were comfortable because it’s not the same.

I’ve been inconsistent mixed selfish nonetheless and I don’t feel comfortable apologizing for it because the consistency people desire I desire for myself. I’m now selfish because I’ve been selfless for so long I need help.

 I must try to enjoy this journey of “not becoming what unsettled you in the hopes you’ll become better you.”

Wishing everybody MUCH Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always.

xoxo

Regression = Progression

Regression! Sometimes you must backtrack to find depth in what went wrong, what feels incorrect, what the next step is. It’s okay to go back to what you know, don’t feel “guilty”. We know ourselves the best, we know the details of our life that shaped us to be who we’ve become, the feelings we push into oblivion, the wants, and everything else.

Periodically we progress so much we lose touch of what would be the next step in our life. That makes us feel uncomfortable, temporarily, due to confusion. What we once knew is now unfamiliar and while we’re stuck in the realm of ourselves we just don’t know.

We get to a point of finding ourselves going back to what started us, out of boredom or even in remembrance, to inspire us to move in the what would be “correct” direction.

In the game of monopoly (in theory) we go around the same board.. however many times just to essentially better ourselves. So if you feel like old versions of you can contribute to a better you, don’t question it.

By all this I mean everything is a butterfly effect as I say often. So in The trickling down of each situation, memory, or feelings you used as a lesson can be recycled to validate other lessons. It can spark the answers to the “why am I?” “Did I stop because…?”, “what am I doing this for?”, questions we feel like we shouldn’t have to actually think to answer. You can rely on feeling, feelings are important but can also be inadequate, especially when you feel nothing.

Much peace, joy, and prosperity xoxo

B.I.A.S.E.D

Post 20

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Why do we deem certain types of “Crazy” more acceptable than others? When I say this I’m referring to the “Crazy” of a Man vs the “Crazy” of a Woman, for the most part, in this particular post.

Crazy is Crazy.

“Crazy” can be interpreted many different ways mainly regarding what’s unethical to another! but we forget it holds emotional value we also disregard.

Crazy can triple as an Adjective, Adverb, or Noun

  • Adjective Definition: 1. Mentally Deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. |Extremely annoyed or angry | foolish

2. Extremely Enthusiastic

  • Adverb Definition: 1. Extremely.
  • Noun Definition: 1. A mentally deranged person.

If you take the time to decipher crazy you notice we use it loosely to begin with. So what’s really “crazy” isn’t necessarily “crazy” it’s just blatant stupidity if not contradictory, to another, or goes against someone else’s moral standing as I said in the beginning.

As I get older I realize it’s different categories to “crazy” here’s a few:

  1. Relationship crazy: which deals with the emotional aspect of it all not saying one emotion is superior to the other but when women act out it’s justified as passion, when a man acts out in the same way it’s looked at as outlandish behavior. We disregard that legitimately it was still indeed emotional outrage on either sides of the field causing one to do what, react how, they did.
  2. The mentally ill who shouldn’t really be called crazy since it’s insensitive & most likely they don’t have the proper help, if were being specific.
  3. Serial killer crazy which are just both of the above.

Overall to keep it simplistic and just give you an idea of what I’m getting at:

I love how some women are aggressively rude/toxic towards men, intentionally, w/ the idea that, that can be used to determine their masculinity because they should be able to “handle” it, and if they don’t want to deal with unfavorable behaviors as such they are … less of a man. Then again I assume it’s because it’s some strange rhetoric out there that a “Strong” woman is a woman that deals with the same toxic/rude misbehavior from men out of the sake of “he’s a man”.

I’ve noticed that the world is becoming more specific and that’s fine but we can’t be specific without being precise, knit picking, observing, and being unbiased to figure out the butterfly effect of everything. So I guess this post is more based on our(WoMen) lack to respect emotion equally. I assume it’s because we don’t respect a mans vulnerability while also brushing off a women’s.

If you ended up annoyed that I kept comparing men & women because in your world they aren’t the same I proved my point of double standards because I said in the beginning “crazy is crazy” which was the point. The correct standing of “crazy” can’t be justified depending on the particular gender.

the cover is a still from “Its a thin line between love and hate, 1996

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

Words

“Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but WORDS are Psychological Wounds that never Heal” – Mr. Turner from The Fairly Odd Parents

I think words became important to me when I grasped the fact they can be sincerely hurtful, misunderstood, and people don’t realize the power they possess. So I took it upon myself to make it a point of being accountable and sincere regarding what comes from me.

You ever wonder why the most evil words resonate? You can be told the rudest maybe even not so true thing from someone that means something to you and it’ll just stick with you mentally regardless of the many kind things you hear about yourself as time progresses from different people.

Words are important because they are able to express how you FEEL I wish people paid attention to the power they have. It’s unbecoming of what words have transitioned to be, we get told things that hold lots of uncertainty depending on the individual. It’s like even though the words come from us, are a reflection of us! You’d think people would be more truthful so you know exactly what you’re dealing with. Instead we have people feeling the need to plot on you and make it a purpose to use their words for manipulation, for whatever reason, decreasing the shock value of “my word is bond.”

You have to worry about the manipulators in the word who sense great faith in you believing in them although they don’t mean what they say they’re fully aware that words INDEED speak louder than actions regardless of what anyone implies or would like to believe.

P.S No, this does not mean listen to the truth and switch it around to be able to be in denial on behalf of yourself to make someone eventually look like the bad guy.

Unconventional Beauty, a blessing and a curse.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. if that happens to be the case does “If you’re ugly on the inside you’re ugly on the outside” hold significance still?

“Who are you” artwork by @Bryantdgiles

What is unconventional beauty? “Someone who is unconventionally beautiful is attractive through their defiance of standards, not in spite of them. A trait that is ugly to one person may seem beautiful to another. There are those who are only beautiful in the eyes of certain beholders. What’s universal is the attitude behind the facade.” –Urbanette Magazine

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Slick Woods photo by David Roemer

Unconventional Beauty!

Being told our features are strong, being mistaken for a man, or being compared to an animal is something we are to familiar with in this realm of beauty.

catwalk_yourself_grace_jones
Grace Jones photo by Universal / The Kobal Collection

The Curse: It’s a lot of grief that’s placed upon you, people just rule themselves high enough to determine whatever about you based off your beauty. Growing up you don’t find yourself to be as beautiful as you happen to be and being teased about what will eventually become insecurities do not make it any better. I use the word “curse” with all sarcasm. It’s like we must prove we are of some substance since we aren’t whats generally welcomed.

The Blessing: Our true beauty gets the chance to be admired wholeheartedly. Your urge to display Creativity increases only causing you to become better; innovated; free-flowing for it will be accepted more openly because you’re “abnormal”, I use that term very loosely, already. Luckily we get to get our point across and really heard out because the people around us aren’t necessarily for any gain besides what we have to offer as a human being.

Teyana+Taylor+GCDS+Runway+September+2017+New+MFgH2YAixDAl
Teyana Taylor photo by Albert Urso

Learning to “adjust” or understand that you have different type of facial features can be a journey especially in such a vain era we happen to be living in.

Self Confidence: Self expression gives me a boost of confidence sometimes I feel I do not look like what society wants let alone my best. With great feeling energy your mood will make you feel invisible in a sense contributing to what an outsider would consider self confidence not knowing you basically had to throw a pep rally while getting ready just for mild assurance. As time progresses you just learn to wear the skin you’re in effortlessly. It gets tough sometimes tougher in different moments because

When you see other women who are given a hard time yet still vibrant in the mind and soul it speaks volumes on how senile the vision of the world can be, as people still contribute to tearing down the persons confidence. I encourage every beaut to embrace what they have it’s people out her that would love to have a look that stands out.

Also as I’ve gotten older I don’t get bothered over snide comments since so many see a different kind of beauty within me. Yet it still makes me wonder why some people feel the need to go out of their way to make me aware of however they feel about my physical appearance from something such as the size of your ears to the skinniness of our bods enjoy what you have to offer to the world.

*Just a light take on my thoughts regarding how it feels to be placed in an almost secondary realm in the world of beauty.*