Full Circle Half Empty

my life has been full circle the last couple months, may i humbly say…i’d consider it “complete”[as time has progressed i have decided that my life in its entirety isn’t “complete” but more specifically a phase..the first one…in which i’ve been working on for years.]
also a part of me goes back in forth with the idea i might be thinking to “low” when i say that, but honestly it feels right to say. and when i change my mind to consider i might be wrong.. it’s really not from the perspective of me but more so what the world pushes you to feel about your everything.
it’s always more that can be done or obtained and for whatever reason being comfortable is never enough.
oh the irony in that! [when you’re hardbody and think about how sweet a soft day would be. or when you’ve adapted to being uncomfortable for such a long time, when s*** isn’t hard you don’t know how to function with leisure.]

*a conversation for another day would be how comfort is being given the same context as greed, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

i assume i’ll never be 100% with the dynamics that make up my everything as nobody is perfect but i consider myself a circle and at this time im full as in complete but empty.
maybe my circle isn’t complete because i always find myself getting halfway full then it starts to deplete then.. i wake up and it’s empty. and honestly i don’t feel anyway about it because i’ve taken the time out of living too understand myself more and it’s more to be understood(for example why can’t i maintain happyness? or whatever that fills up my circle. CERTAINTY!!! for example i manage to get to like 66% these days before it’s time to try it all over again.)

as i’ve lived, i feel like i make progress then i find myself reliving shit i thought i learned from. eventually i caught on to the fact i adapted to damaged control ~ although i knew the outcome of what i was doing, unfavorable or not, it gave me a sense of control when navigating it.
which is so silly.
and this full circle half empty reoccurrence is life reliving that ..but maybe emotionally?[i wish i could go back in time to just watch how many days i’d maintain peace. to know if on average growing up i managed to have…let’s say..11 good days before it was just striped from under me and now my brain just allows me 11 then self destructs as a natural reaction, get me?]
in addition to that im not sure about much of anything or how to even assess anything after that last sentence but i will say, im alright or my best self right now. yet it’s a form of emptiness that comes with that called “well what’s next?” what do i do now.

full circle half empty by me

and as i write im starting to realize that, that the “emptiness” i maintain is because im to busy dwelling on the fact i don’t have the answers as i always do and it’s no problem to solve to know anything.. so now im just doing on my own accord… and i know no freedom as such that’s equivalent to freedom of self where you figure stuff out beyond what you’re use to.

i have a slight theory that i have advanced passed “damage control” to understand that i have no eagerness to partake in self sabotage out of curiosity, boredom, or uncertainty as an escape goat for what might just be me experiencing a pure form of peace.
im chilling.
so within that theory im stuck at a place of not having the answers while being eager to experience to contribute to what has become FULFILLING TO ME.

truth be told im also slightly scared that maybe if i take this time to just enjoy how far i’ve come, maybe im missing out or could be using my time better.[but what’s better than self awareness/growth?]
i notice that i have to remind myself, a lot of things, but that uncertainty is just me seconding guessing myself.

{its a note to self on this page that says “i should really just take the time to enjoy a picnic to be proud of the fruit im bearing from my labors before my back starts hurting or start spilling fruit.”}

i hope everybody is taking time to get right with themselves as your just as important as the elements you make up
WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY
always, all ways
XOXO

I’m Doing Fine.

I’ve officially outgrown my desire for likes and all that superficial shit because what I put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. And that itself I’m thankful for.

I find myself stumbling across opportunities to work with and become friends with people who once inspired me, and that’s because of me as a person and my persistence. I feel like that’s enough honestly because I’m proud they see what they’ve contributed to. Especially while I feel like you can say I’m a “nobody” if you solely base my online presence over my ability to preform, which I understand if you do.

All in all I’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors for sure, in the very least, which is fine by me.

It’s a bigger everything to every action and I’m no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” because I’ve successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + everything else to co-exist in the world without expectation, which has humbled my disappointment and feeling of being “disregard”.

I’m chilling. I’m growing up. I’m learning. I still feel like I’m great but just don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know Ima be alright. I’m no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking”— resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what I, can, do! I’m excited and underwhelmed. I’m proud of me.

Like I say “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything. And everything isn’t meant for everybody” that’s the truth. It’s okay. It was a tweet (if I can find it I’ll link it) but it said something along the lines of “you become disconnected when you look at your talents as a commodity that’s not paying off.” And now that I’ve gotten over that… I feel more certain about what I’m doing and can’t wait to do more instead of feeling like I’m failing, I’m doing fine.

I feel back to normal, when I started all this I did it to get my feelings off mainly. I wanted to be open about not know, being wrong, and whatever else that comes with life and somewhere along the journey of just talking on the internet I got greedy. The society I was battling I joined forces with unintentionally and let it slow me down. And I had the nerve to allow it to make me question what I know best about myself. Being that I can write!!

Talk to y’all later! Wishing everybody Peace x Joy x Prosperity always, all ways – Aunty

xoxo

Short Sermon: Growth is inevitable

Growth is inevitable.

Changes must occur in order for you to learn and gain perspective for different walks of life but essentially it’s up to you to determine what you’re going to do with the knowledge placed upon you. Growing pains are what I consider to be necessary unfortunate realities, events, or circumstances that create resistance. Or what we also look at as resistance because they benefit in discomfort or self destruction, of course we all make mistakes. A mistake is a verb meaning many things but one being “to blunder in the choice of” and in regards of these particular lifetimes we live because we’re always evolving. As in at a certain time in life you THOUGHT in favor of! Encouraging you to make what turned out to be a poor choice but look at it as an opportunity to start over new in present time by not making that same mistake again, also known as growth.

Wishing everyone much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity. Always. All ways

No main bitch formed against me shall prosper

I owe myself loyalty.

Being in my 20s along with dealing with young men in their 20s, as in grown, their loyalty is not my responsibility or sole concern.

It’s not my job to make sure your love treats you respectfully especially if I don’t even know you or I’m not your friend.

The frustration is always taken out on the “side” bit- which should be least of anyone’s worries. The question isn’t “well how did she entice him?” Yet why he felt and decided to participate in stepping out of his relationship with all disregards of his partner.

I also feel like if you get stepped out on it’s right to be emotionally disturbed but to dwell on it even after being “forgiving” of the situation(s) is pointless when the answer to resolve it would simply be removing yourself from the relationship all together. Instead people want to feel as if they are an necessity when in all actuality we don’t jeopardize things we “NEED” deeming you a want but not necessarily a need which I can see as shocking.

Your disappointment, which gets projected as micro-aggression, shouldn’t be towards a person that probably didn’t even know you existed or! Doesn’t even look at you as someone of importance to the point they wouldn’t want to disappoint you. (that person being the side bitch)

In regards to the women who purse men in relationships, I have no words for them. You’re lovers loyalty still doesn’t have anything to do with them. Overall I’m referring to the women who don’t get the entire truth about a persons relationship status, or don’t find it to be their job to cosplay inspector gadget to assure their love interest isn’t in a relationship and cheating.

Ultimately if a person has a plan to cheat they’re going to follow correct procedures to do so anyways.

No matter how you spin  the situation it’s never the cheatee’s fault.

Ex: If I know a man is in a relationship, I purse him, he doesn’t stop me in my tracks and shut everything down then that’s on him. He’s the only one to take accountability that he didn’t stay true to his partner regardless of intent.

Short Sermon: An Eye for An Eye

People who fuck over the ones who love them often have a hard time accepting love in the long run due to the fact THEY’VE watered down what it means to love someone.

Love holds no significance to them anymore.

Essentially they are simply just avoiding their own karma afraid that what they once done to someone else can now be done to them. They can’t trust anyone because they took the trust people had for them and used it maliciously.

Aside from stunting the growth and finally enjoying the feelings of falling in love or being in love. After given enough thought, if you’ve ever loved someone so much and had it actually sincerely reciprocated, whether it be a friend or lover.. you realize these kind of people probably will never experience that genuineness. To live a life where the people YOU choose to have around you, you can’t trust therefore causing you to settle in suppressed emotions such as anxiousness, worry, and lack there of is a life I can’t imagine. Especially regarding with my friends.

The question is, how do you prove to someone as such that you love them without overstepping what it is to love into manipulation due to the fact that they’re the ones scared of being love?

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.

“How does it feel in America?”: Dark Skin

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity. 

We often “speak for” with the idea we know although we haven’t lived through to experience. When really the most we can do is listen and understand in most instances while not invalidating perceptions, feelings, and truths because they don’t correlate with the idea we’ve developed ourselves from the outside looking in. To respect, acknowledge, and try to be receptive the best we can are little steps that can embark big change.

The point is to bring “awareness” not saying anyone who participated in this is a victim but to shed light on “how it feels…” because every feeling counts.

So I ask “How does it feel to be Dark Skin in America?”

“For a long time I hated it! I didn’t necessarily hate my skin… I hated what people associated with my skin color! Since I’m not and never were the negative things people said and thought about people with darker skin.”

– Heluvstay

“Being dark skin in America feels like being an alien… we get degraded and passed up on, I used to hate being dark skin I heard every joke in the book, especially from guys. We’re always compared to a person of lighter skin tones, we have to work twice as hard to look good because we’re dark skin, and people only like dark skin people right now because we’re a trend. We started embracing ourselves and now everybody wants parts of that. I get told “yeah you’re cute, for a dark skin.” when in reality I’m cute as fuck period! We are in our category, in our own race… we get racially profiled the most as well [a perfect example would be the skin chart from family guy implying that the darker skin are most likely to have done, anything].”

– Shesojaae

“As a dark skin male in America I feel the light colored skin tones are appreciated more, we are more prone to stereotypes (law enforcement/police brutality) and people at times are scared of me or already formed an opinion before even meeting me due to the color of my skin”

– NikaiMiller

“I guess I’m what people consider “brown skin” I think I’m just black. I’m just a Black Girl. When I was younger all the boys at school would say I’m “burnt toast” and I’d be confused like ” I’m brown but I’m not dark skin. It got to a the point I hated it and wanted to be light skin so bad. I still wanted my blackness, I just wanted to be light. Because of that I was able to notice my own colorist ways and changed it, I love my brown skin! It can be dark it can be whatever but I don’t want it to be a “wave”. For example Darker girls are only “the wave” on social media or if they have certain features. The objective is to love our Black beauty no matter how light or dark it is. Let’s rid the community and the world of those terms all together

Black is Black is Black”

– Chyanne

“Growing up I never really considered myself “dark” or any other complexion I just always assumed I was just “Black” no in between. As I got older going through school that’s when other kids would refer to me as “dark” when comparing me to them or just in general. I started to realize the term being used within my own family and how they used it to describe people with deeper skin tones. At the time it didn’t make me feel any way, until I started to get the “You’re pretty for a black girl.”, “You’re cute for a dark skin”, “I don’t usually talk to dark skins but I would talk to you.” that shit really did get under my skin after a while because I don’t get why my skin color has to be mentioned at all. My facial features are my facial features and I would look like this no matter what shade my skin was in…So if I was lighter would they have told me ” You’re cute for a light skin girl”? I highly doubt it. Which was the most annoying part because to me it was like “You’re treating me different than you would treat someone else or who is lighter than me” but I eventually stopped caring about it though. At this point I feel like it’s a lot of complexion slander now a days where every complexion talks about each other and essentially it’s all just non sense. I don’t know who, why, or what deemed it necessary that each culture must have some type of complexion shaming in order to have certain people feel superior than others that are the same ethnicity as them but it’s happening and it’s keeping us divided as Black people. All I know is no matter who you are, what you look like, or how dark your skin is you are no less or no more than anybody else on this doomed ass earth. We all breathe the same polluted ass air so people need to act accordingly and humble themselves and stop acting like skin tone gives them ranking in actual factual life.”

– Versace Hottie

“America’s perception of us hurts, we’re shown almost everyday that our complexion is fear by the rejection we receive, but we we’re born with everything they lack, beauty. The ugly hate they show only makes me love my skin more.”

– Mariah

“Being Dark skin in America is definitely not something I’m ashamed of. I’ve heard all of the stereotypes and jokes about how I’m supposed to be “Ain’t shit” or a “deadbeat”, but it’s just more motivation to be more than that!

– Kid Cato

“Umm what’s it like being Dark skin, mmm mm, I’ll tell you what it wasn’t like. It wasn’t accepting, it wasn’t loving, it wasn’t peaceful at times, it wasn’t positive, it wasn’t looked at as beautiful, it wasn’t appreciated, it wasn’t… it wasn’t what it is now. I mean that to say a trend, being dark skin is a trend, my dark skin to the next person is a trend, they want to be darker now. When I was younger to be dark skin was considered pretty much a crime. I’ll always remember being constantly teased, looked over, boys always laughing..girls.. you name it. Perfect example is even Lil Kim, a lot of people love to say she went to far with surgery and bleaching her skin but you have to understand when you’re praising self hate in you’re own community and you constantly hear it, you have no choice but to feel like you are different. It’s disgusting that so many people are upset with her appearance now when we’re the reason of her appearance, the reason for her low self esteem, we’re the reason for the self hate. It’s nauseating because it’s like “well how do you expect for me to see the beauty within myself when you don’t even see the beauty within me.” The point is understand when you’re around the hate of people telling you your skin is to dark you automatically start to believe it.

– Angel 

“Being Dark skin in America was difficult. With people not accepting you because you’re a darker complexion, people talking shit because you’re dark, I believe it gets easier to love your skin tone when you’re older. When you’re younger you tend to follow the trend because you don’t know yourself yet. For me it was very hard to love my skin in middle/high school, people talking about me made my self esteem very low and at one point I wished I wasn’t dark. Now you can’t tell me shit! I love my skin, it’s so beautiful, a beautiful even tone, and I will never wish that I was light.

I love being black as fuck!

– Taki

The faces of the beautiful words given to us from left to right top, middle, then bottom row: Angel, Cato, Mariah, Myia, Taki, Chy, Jae, Nikai, Tay

Cover photo is courtesy of Mariah

Wishing everybody much peace, joy, and prosperity. Always All ways.

[S/N: If you’d like to share how it feels to be Dark skin in America for you the comment section is always open and welcoming.]

Short Sermon: Natural Expressions

It’s not to many benefits when it comes to suppressing your feelings you only burden yourself in regards of your emotions.

Allow yourself to be furious, allow yourself to be gloomy, allow yourself to be heartbroken, allow yourself to feel betrayed, allow yourself to feel disappointed, just allow yourself to feel.

Feelings aren’t a form of weakness, they are natural expressions.

Emotions push our growth, they help grace the process of a different learning.

When you suppress your feelings you don’t allow yourself to get over it, instead you fall under it. Somethings will always bother you of course it’s life but somethings don’t deserve as much time as others. When you void the process of understanding you become stuck on particular situations trying to understand them instead of just feel and progress.

Resulting in Regression.

Don’t neglect you’re happiness by spending to much time on what makes you grieve.

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.

Short Sermon: Spiritual Envy

When you become one with a certain stature of self awareness and sincerity regarding who you are, what you do, along with how you treat people it’s hard to not take the actions of others personally.

No one asks of me to wear my heart, feelings, sensibility, or ability to be whatever on my sleeve but I do so because that’s how I flow. I’m not afraid of the hurt that might come with being so receptive. Such as being emotionally distressed, spiritually disconnected, just completely blindsided by the actions of others it’s all growing pains I appreciate when not used against me.

I understand I might sound too good to be true due to me being straightforward and with that I feel as if you should be proud I see something in you to allow you to ultimately share me with you, in any aspect.

When someone gets the opportunity to infiltrate the secure element you’ve created for yourself I feel like it’s done on purpose. That individual knew they didn’t have what it took, yet they decided to move forward and disrupt instead of self assist in the hopes of becoming better or even realizing that something wasn’t for them.

Selfish.

You can not be sensible and fully unaware of your actions. I know you can’t. I take all actions against me personal because retrospectively it’s a form of attack. You couldn’t conquer me therefore you rather destroy. In the hopes you don’t feel lonely at the bottom of self despair since sinking down is easier than growing up.

Protect yourself, your energy, element, and aura because you’re in control of that. People much rather focus on you and create a diabolical plan to tear you down since they see you as the structure they can’t find the strength to build themselves to become what they long to be.

Spiritual Envy is a different kind of evil.

Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.