Regression = Progression

Regression! Sometimes you must backtrack to find depth in what went wrong, what feels incorrect, what the next step is. It’s okay to go back to what you know, don’t feel “guilty”. We know ourselves the best, we know the details of our life that shaped us to be who we’ve become, the feelings we push into oblivion, the wants, and everything else.

Periodically we progress so much we lose touch of what would be the next step in our life. That makes us feel uncomfortable, temporarily, due to confusion. What we once knew is now unfamiliar and while we’re stuck in the realm of ourselves we just don’t know.

We get to a point of finding ourselves going back to what started us, out of boredom or even in remembrance, to inspire us to move in the what would be “correct” direction.

In the game of monopoly (in theory) we go around the same board.. however many times just to essentially better ourselves. So if you feel like old versions of you can contribute to a better you, don’t question it.

By all this I mean everything is a butterfly effect as I say often. So in The trickling down of each situation, memory, or feelings you used as a lesson can be recycled to validate other lessons. It can spark the answers to the “why am I?” “Did I stop because…?”, “what am I doing this for?”, questions we feel like we shouldn’t have to actually think to answer. You can rely on feeling, feelings are important but can also be inadequate, especially when you feel nothing.

Much peace, joy, and prosperity xoxo

2018 “direct your thinking elsewhere”

[Edit: I wrote this while I was in the middle of having a breakdown and asked myself “what’s wrong?” I couldn’t actually get it out I just cried more. Which is why it’s written in the present and present WITH explanation because I won’t actually be editing it, just showcasing this “growth” I talk about.]

Twenty 18 was full of disappointment for me. I’ve probably never been so disappointed, maybe I have but it just didn’t sit with me for so long. On top of the disappointment of self from being disappointed, finally coming to grips with particular issues was something by itself. It was just a tremendously hard year for me as a person. It didn’t start marvelously, it has ended on a much better note as I’ve taken the time to learn new ways of “acceptance”. Although one thing I probably hated the most was not having control over my emotions like I’m used to.

I talk about “relearning the self” often and that’s not easy. All my focus went to the “why?” Aspect of everything trying to make sense of what the universe had going on from a one sided perception, myself.

I’ve cried a lot of tears, none that felt of any meaning just more of emphasis that I feel pretty bad for myself right now.

I actually wanna be left alone for a period of time to become back sure of who I am because at this time I just don’t know. A lot of stuff I’ve been doing which I once enjoyed is purely a distraction of agony. Again I say all this and it just blows me! I’m more than sure I can figure my feelings and self out I just need to find a suitable way to approach it that’s good for me. which I think is alone time under no “pressure” mixed with a lot of selfishness.

I’m learning as I’m living. I’m living while I’m learning. Flowing.

I thank music.

As of now

It was a lot of tears within that first half. Along with the intentions of moving forward in pure isolation.

I genuinely feel so much better and I know it’s a feeling that’s to stay. My acceptance happened to be release and acknowledgement to myself. No matter how many times I cried, got angry, cried, thought things through, read, or published a set of words. I didn’t feel any better before I realized I, I don’t know what I realized. Honestly. I just woke up feeling calm and at peace after I rearranged myself. I’ve elevated to a new realm of self that I’m excited to experience.

I feel as if the most effective advice was silly, I talk to an 87 year old man almost 5 days out of the week for like a hour. What made him start a conversation with me was the fact I was “pretty” to him yet my face gave off a feel of something being off balanced. Which is funny because for the whole year mainly strangers have been asking me “what’s wrong?” even homeless people who would pass by me. Anyways, Norton and I only converse about life from what we know or what we think we know, as well as what we see. One day he brought up that “writing” ruined his life. He said something along the lines of “when you’re constantly aware of the everything you try to constantly make sense of it and you can’t separate life from logic.” So he stopped writing when he realized it influenced him to isolated everything & everyone that didn’t make sense to him. I’m not going to stop writing, POINT IS, on another occasion he said something else such as “you look like you think a lot. Every time I see you you’re thinking, stop thinking.” Which was dumb because I found myself thinking about not thinking every day since that came out of his mouth. On top of if he’d see me he’d remind me to stop thinking and then just walk off. I think, no pun intended, two days before Christmas I woke up & said “well whatever, what happens from here on out is just gonna have to happen.” On some “later loser” type shit just speaking generally and I can’t say that wasn’t the cherry on top. I still think of course, more wisely that is…on top of I don’t think about the past because what’s done is done I can’t change it no matter how much sense I try to make out of it, I “focus” only on the future, not even the present really… I barely think about the future I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s beautiful feeling.

I’m just moving and flowing and going and it’s a beautiful feeling.

The end.

DON’T DRINK & DRIVE YOU SELFISH SHIT FACE BASTARDS.

Also! Be safe and enjoy the new year with loved ones only. Good energy xoxo.

B.I.A.S.E.D

Post 20

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Why do we deem certain types of “Crazy” more acceptable than others? When I say this I’m referring to the “Crazy” of a Man vs the “Crazy” of a Woman, for the most part, in this particular post.

Crazy is Crazy.

“Crazy” can be interpreted many different ways mainly regarding what’s unethical to another! but we forget it holds emotional value we also disregard.

Crazy can triple as an Adjective, Adverb, or Noun

  • Adjective Definition: 1. Mentally Deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. |Extremely annoyed or angry | foolish

2. Extremely Enthusiastic

  • Adverb Definition: 1. Extremely.
  • Noun Definition: 1. A mentally deranged person.

If you take the time to decipher crazy you notice we use it loosely to begin with. So what’s really “crazy” isn’t necessarily “crazy” it’s just blatant stupidity if not contradictory, to another, or goes against someone else’s moral standing as I said in the beginning.

As I get older I realize it’s different categories to “crazy” here’s a few:

  1. Relationship crazy: which deals with the emotional aspect of it all not saying one emotion is superior to the other but when women act out it’s justified as passion, when a man acts out in the same way it’s looked at as outlandish behavior. We disregard that legitimately it was still indeed emotional outrage on either sides of the field causing one to do what, react how, they did.
  2. The mentally ill who shouldn’t really be called crazy since it’s insensitive & most likely they don’t have the proper help, if were being specific.
  3. Serial killer crazy which are just both of the above.

Overall to keep it simplistic and just give you an idea of what I’m getting at:

I love how some women are aggressively rude/toxic towards men, intentionally, w/ the idea that, that can be used to determine their masculinity because they should be able to “handle” it, and if they don’t want to deal with unfavorable behaviors as such they are … less of a man. Then again I assume it’s because it’s some strange rhetoric out there that a “Strong” woman is a woman that deals with the same toxic/rude misbehavior from men out of the sake of “he’s a man”.

I’ve noticed that the world is becoming more specific and that’s fine but we can’t be specific without being precise, knit picking, observing, and being unbiased to figure out the butterfly effect of everything. So I guess this post is more based on our(WoMen) lack to respect emotion equally. I assume it’s because we don’t respect a mans vulnerability while also brushing off a women’s.

If you ended up annoyed that I kept comparing men & women because in your world they aren’t the same I proved my point of double standards because I said in the beginning “crazy is crazy” which was the point. The correct standing of “crazy” can’t be justified depending on the particular gender.

the cover is a still from “Its a thin line between love and hate, 1996

To whom, to those, to all! For what!

Being “misunderstood” plus unwilling to compromise I wonder do I still serve my purpose. I believe I was created to rebuild the mind of! I’ll sacrifice myself on behalf of producing a new mind, outlook on life, anything. I’m willing to give since I know the take will forever stand in the way of your thoughts.

I don’t recommend this to everyone, I’m okay because I can rebuild myself, when I what you can say “destroy” myself in a sense. In this process I also learn the reasons and motives of others making me be more understanding overall therefore the next person I come across can also gain a new level of mental/emotional, understanding.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to make this my responsibility, I take that back. I do this because it’s a lack of open-mess worldwide so if I can stress the aspects of difference being perfectly fine it’s the least I can do. It’s a way of helping develop the process of “understanding” become easier.

Trial and error taught me most of, as in 60% including my mother & sister being open with their trial and errors to go off of boosting it to probably 87%, not everyone is able to make mistakes.. openly. Let alone be okay with making a mistake and having the time to actually learn something from it. So the fact I can take advantage of that on behalf of those not able to you begin to think of it like you’re just doing a favor.

Now The mind is so complex even when people “think” they’ve disregarded what I’ve done keyword being WILLINGLY they go back on it trying to make it not make sense… essentially just making it make sense but not admitting it.. or at least admitting it openly. Which is fine. I don’t do it for notoriety but I figured out the discrepancy on why some people don’t favor me.

& With all the good comes the bad.

Unfortunately my biggest pet peeve when doing all this is some people are just unperceptive and it’s sad. I understood it’s the concept of being guarded. Being so closed off in order to “protect” yourself can eventually be equivalent to looking out a window with your eyes closed. You miss out on everything and just reiterate the idea of being scared of… whatever. All this is fine by the way I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong but to STRESS you can use me, whether it be in secret, bi-weekly, everyday. As a bit of “guidance” in many aspects of life as I continue learning as I live.

& all this applies to anything. I’m speaking on behalf of dealing with others for the most part.

I wonder does all that get overshadowed because of who I am and how I choose to be…

Unapologeticness or Unapologeticmess

post 19

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

Am i sorry for how i feel? Probably not, it’s how i feel. I know that sound very selfish but I’ve learned how to accept it because other people speak how they feel and do what they desire to do while “I” as an individual take it upon myself NOT to get extremely upset with a person and their feelings, thoughts of life but just remove myself instead if necessary. We’re free people/individuals/different/one of one or at least I am.

essentially i believe if i can others can to so no matter what i do … say.. or portray myself shouldn’t have anything to do with you if you don’t incorporate yourself in it.

Conflicted because I don’t know if I’m defending the ones we consider dickheads but at the same time I feel as if “it is what it is” a wise one once said “If it wasn’t for Villains it would be no Heroes”

Growing up I either heard or read “stand up for what you believe in even if you’re standing alone” I decided to incorporate that into my moral compass, mind you goes it both ways for anyone opposing you but I also feel as if you can waste your time if the person isn’t willing to be wrong or whatever the case may be. I write and I usually write from a perspective that’s not really respected because we relate to ourselves and it makes me realize life is a big contradiction among itself. We make decisions based off circumstances which is probably why my character is always on my mind so I can always be assure I’m sticking to “one side” of things to not seem flip floppy when indeed, it is what it is.. That’s where the “MESS” comes in.

Getting older I’m noticing the same reason people love me, respecting the theory of principle; standing by my feelings or thoughts; protecting what means to me. Happens to be the same reason they hate me especially if it doesn’t apply to their lifestyle per say. People disregard the power of the mind when they are set in stone, all this applies to those who read this and go against me or use their unapologeticness for what they deem “good” when really it’s only good for them and those who relate (sounds familiar?).

I also understand that some people present very very “incorrect” opinions about life but at the same time I’m content being aware they feel as such to know to stay away from them.

If people didn’t voice their feelings as such we’d be blind to how people sincerely feel! Regardless of how it effects me emotionally I just have to understand how they think or what made them feel as such.

I’m one to also have conversations with those who oppose me to understand their p.o.v BUT! without the intentions of starting an argument.

Overall am I d*ckhead or? I mean I don’t publicly voice to a person or try not at least, voice that a persons opinions is causing them to be less of a person. I’m getting tired of apologizing about how I feel even though I watch people present their opinions as facts while I’m just stating my perception as an opinion. After all if we’re being as technical as we’re becoming your opinion might be a fact to YOU, according to you! Therefore my opinion is also a fact…because it’s true to me.

I’ll be sure to update you when I find a correct balance that’s morally correct, even though sometimes doing the right thing isn’t “Morally” correct let alone “Politically” correct.

P.S No this is not directed to give Nazis, Rapist, Homophones, or any other of that BULLSHIT! A self righteous pass, Matter of fact I don’t even know why you’re here.

XOXO – Wishing Peace! Joy! & Prosperity!

We know what’s wrong but can what’s wrong be also what’s right

We admire the idea of transparency, thinking that someone could be braver than we ever found the courage to be brings us a form of joy. What we don’t like is being uncomfortable or adjusting to the idea of someone else in order to get to understand them better.

Lets establish that we all come from different backgrounds and live differently when it comes to the details of life because of perspective we must understand it’s more than one way of thinking for reasoning. I figured POC specifically have this narrative of we all think as minorities. Not to disregard the importance of blossoming on a higher level mentally we just don’t accept every level of growth because in some world all minorities live from the same common law.

“I dissuade Party members from putting down people who do not understand. Even people who are unenlightened and seemingly bourgeois should be answered in a polite way. Things should be explained to them as fully as possible. I was turned off by a person who did not want to talk to me because I was not important enough. Maurice just wanted to preach to the converted, who already agreed with him. I try to be cordial, because that way you win people over. You cannot win them over by drawing the line of demarcation, saying you are on this side and I am on the other; that shows a lack of consciousness. After the Black Panther Party was formed, I nearly fell into this error. I could not understand why people were blind to what I saw so clearly. Then I realized that their understanding had to be developed.”

-Huey Newton

Do we actually appreciate honesty?

Everyone is pressured over Kanye West thoughts, he was being honest. Don’t we appreciate and value honesty? Often I hear “be straight up” unfortunately when that may be the case but it’s not your type of truth you’re not as accepting. Stop devoting all your feelings towards what people say and give thanks to the fact they said it. Does it not concern most of you that it’s people who save face for the acceptance of the world but think indeed those ill thoughts. That’s so fraudulent, I’d rather know someone’s true feelings and not feed me … lies, that way I know where I stand, how to move forward WITHOUT over acknowledging what I can’t seem to grasp or agree with. People dedicate so much time to making sure “we” feel stupid for not being politically correct when its legitimately deeper than that.

Rarely can, let alone does, someone explain why our comments, questions, and concerns are wrong backed up with more than the justification of “that’s just what it is”, “it’s morally correct”, I emphasize people forget the fact we are individuals and perceive the world differently. The thing that gets me the most is so many barriers have been broken and elevated on behalf of someone thinking differently AND wore their thoughts on their sleeves, just love us, the hate is not going to move you forward. Not to mention those with alternative thinking are often willing to listen to learn new ways of thinking to gain understanding.

P.S. No this isn’t defending stupidity. It’s a difference between stupidity and ignorance, go look the difference. It’s okay to be opinionated, of course, just don’t belittle someone else as justification. You back up your opinions with your theories, relations, and personal backgrounds, if you can’t relate don’t hate.

Connections.

Post 18

Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity

“My drawings represent how we fear things that are foreigner to us. I drew the full body without skin because it’s kinda like we have to peel ourselves back to see what’s there.” FTOT: @Solosherrell

We learn a little something something from everybody.

Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly it creates a learning experience that connects you and that person together for the rest of your lifetime.

or at least I like to think so…

Maybe it’s just my optimism that makes me think in such a way but I can’t say it doesn’t help me when it comes to becoming resentful in certain instances.

  • The Ugly: is usually unasked for truths. Overall you should always respect that the truth that was brought to you and especially told to you because that means they trusted you in some way. Just think of it as the lemons before we make lemonade. We either learn how to adapt or just take into consideration and move forward even though it’s not initially. what we thought independently.
  • The Good: is copacetic behavior easy going living you find captivating and incorporate into your own lifestyle.
  • The Bad: my personal favorite, is anything unfavorable to you. I say it’s my favorite because it usually is the real teacher you get a new concept of a person. You get to experience how the butterfly effect works; because of this, a persons does this, causing you to do that. It lets who you know how to respect different kinds of individuals in a sense without the hate.
“This one is symbolizing a damaged person that is happy” FTOT: @Solosherrell

Because of how the brain works regarding memory, when you grasp all this stuff and go to use it you trigger where you learned it from. So therefore if you picked up something from another person you will always refer back to them or the experience whether you’re fond of it or not. A great example is how we pick up speech patterns from another person. Like I stated previously you learn something in every instance it’s just up to you to consider them lessons and take what you can from it.

P.S Don’t take stuff so personal UNLESS! You’re for certain something was done with cruel intentions , somethings’ are just bad habits we develop overtime, we all have one.. maybe some.

The cover is from the movie “Extremely loud and incredibly close”

Why

“People don’t even try to understand the misunderstood they just assume the know” – a direct quote from the marvelous me

WHY! Why?! Why? Why, Why?

If you look at “why” long enough you start to think you’ve misspelled it, if you continue you to look at it you notice how many ways it could’ve been spelled.

It’s starting to seem like nobody cares about the “why’s” in life or people solely identify them as excuses. Also when you hear “why?” you connect being skeptical when really it’s clarification.

Appreciate the Why’s, they help expand your ability to understand.

Essentially If you ask me… people confuse the explanations that come after “why?” with excuses and that’s discrediting to a persons mind/life experiences. Making it hard for someone to express themselves, truthfully that is.

Here I’m going to explain the importance of why “why” is important:

  1. If anything happens to you not in your favor and you ask “why me?” you can’t say the reasoning is necessarily wrong, IT’S THE REASON WHY!!! Whether it makes sense or not to at the time you’ll always hold onto the knowledge by thinking about it therefore it turns into learning.
  2. When you question someone about the method to their madness and they take the time to explain why to you, it’ll only make sense if you give it a chance to be comprehended with no judgement. If you think about it we are very judgmental because its easier to pass judgement since it doesn’t call for using emotions such a compassion and taking time to think as in comprehend.
  3. “Why” is just clarification without that you find yourself just developing an aspect of “understanding” by assuming. People do not grasp how selfish that is, assuming just feeds into your own ego, feelings, and thoughts solely. That’s not good. “Assume” is a verb meaning “Suppose to be the case, without proof PROOF in this instance is assurance which would come from clarification if it was to be acknowledged.

“Why” happens to be an adverb meaning “for what reason or purpose.” With that being said I look at “why’s” as overlooked introductions when getting to know people especially, but also life lessons. It’s uncut details if you think about it and that makes me be more coherent when dealing with people and just making choices while living.

P.S. Sorry if I might have caused any misdirected hope.. none of this information is applicable to the liars and manipulators. Be truthful about your “why’s”

the cover is from the Disney movie “Holes” It’s about building character in the hot sun.