I hope you see this

I hope you see this, I hope you feel this
I hope you read this, I hope you see this
I hope when I see you I’m able to be mean to you, for i hope it makes you sad
although it’s clear you don’t care, let alone about me, therefore you’d probably be glad
unfortunately I can’t say I hate you because it wouldn’t be true.
I disregard my feelings to justify yours which is clear to be untrue.

I hope you read this, I hope you feel this
I hope you see this, I hope you feel this
even though I’m sure how I felt you can’t even deal with the idea of. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made me deal with while thinking of…
you.

I hope you read this, I know you’ll see this
I hope it makes you cry at night, when you’re alone, when you’re at home, but it probably wont so yet again I waste my time.

It’s all apart of the process.

Sadness.

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THE SAD CLOWNS CLUB

 

Sad – an adjective –

  1. Feeling or showing; unhappy.
  2. Causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable.

I’ve been paying attention to how it feels to be sad, which might not be so good because what if I’m just dwelling in sadness to figure out how to surpass it.. then again I might really just be sad so therefore it’s no surpassing it, yet.

The days I’m not sad I’m nothing.

The days I’m sad, I’m sad, just not as sad as usual.

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instagrams from left to right: @maya_breaux @witcholliegirll @dsouf.honey @tipwitdasauce @goldennai_

I’ve been riding out my feelings this year which has been, terribly overwhelming.. I know for a fact I suppress my emotions which is probably the real reason I don’t know how to deal with them entirely.

The sad days will soon dissipate I’m sure, it’s just getting through them instead of going around them that has been an extremely tedious process.

You know we try to put time caps on situations as such for instance. 2019 means something will improve and although something will, I don’t like the sound of waiting until 2019 to fix my mood essentially. Not only is that just a month and a half away if it’s that simple I should be able to wake up tomorrow new, which is why I said maybe it’s not too good of idea to dwell on the idea of being sad because I’m literally becoming what it is to be sad. I should also accept that if it takes me until mid fall 2019 to feel less emotionally pathetic because I finally decided to embrace my feelings and not question them always in a negative fashion 2019 was still a good year. Oppose to thinking something monumental should happen the second week of 2019… and if that’s the case I still have a month left in 2018 to make something positive within me “pop off”. Overall I’m just going through a phase of learning myself throughout disappointments, I’ll get over it soon realistically speaking and eventually the sad days won’t be as continuous.

I don’t know man. I don’t. I do but I just feel like it shouldn’t be as deep as it actually is…to me and not completely “accepting” the fact some stuff is actually that deep. In a sense after it gets way easier to adapt to the feeling of sadness even if you sincerely dislike it because you become familiar with it. You become so familiar with it that you aren’t fully comfortable with the good days, you no longer know how to feel good, or even when you finally feel good you get thrown off by reoccurring misfortune.

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\\ “Love letters to give you feels, anti-love letters to give you chills.” // Photo Credit IG: @Rein.glitter | Makeup Credit IG: @Sleepygirlbri

Back to the days I’m not sad:

The days I’m not sad, I’m kind of mildly angry.

The days I’m not sad.. I’m not happy either.

On the bright side! I still have my personality and I’m appreciative of that.

all of this is just all apart of a process.

 

Words

“Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but WORDS are Psychological Wounds that never Heal” – Mr. Turner from The Fairly Odd Parents

I think words became important to me when I grasped the fact they can be sincerely hurtful, misunderstood, and people don’t realize the power they possess. So I took it upon myself to make it a point of being accountable and sincere regarding what comes from me.

You ever wonder why the most evil words resonate? You can be told the rudest maybe even not so true thing from someone that means something to you and it’ll just stick with you mentally regardless of the many kind things you hear about yourself as time progresses from different people.

Words are important because they are able to express how you FEEL I wish people paid attention to the power they have. It’s unbecoming of what words have transitioned to be, we get told things that hold lots of uncertainty depending on the individual. It’s like even though the words come from us, are a reflection of us! You’d think people would be more truthful so you know exactly what you’re dealing with. Instead we have people feeling the need to plot on you and make it a purpose to use their words for manipulation, for whatever reason, decreasing the shock value of “my word is bond.”

You have to worry about the manipulators in the word who sense great faith in you believing in them although they don’t mean what they say they’re fully aware that words INDEED speak louder than actions regardless of what anyone implies or would like to believe.

P.S No, this does not mean listen to the truth and switch it around to be able to be in denial on behalf of yourself to make someone eventually look like the bad guy.