I like being in my home but not confined to it. I have never felt so estrange emotionally and mentally on and off in such a short period of time in a very controllable way.
I’m growing anxious and eager to be back putting out into the real world. As for me doing creative things it’s different seeing people adapt to being in the house and becoming innovative. So In a way I feel/felt kind of bad for myself for not having the drive to do so as well but the thing about what I do is whether it be as simple as a few words.. I put out based on experience(I’m not experiencing anything in the house) + feeling. Luckily this social isolation shit allowed me to capture how it’s making me feel in a way that’s true to what I do regularly resulting in this sporadic read.
To say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is very accurate. I feel so stuck and the difference between this and a creative block is the fact actions from everyday life isn’t helping guide me since… everyday life has essentially stopped. At least when I’m at a pause I can continue to work towards (everything I put out is an expression of how I interpret life so I’m always bound to figure something out in order to flow again). In this case I can’t do anything but sit on ideas, visions, and hope to eventually see things I imagined because I’m not settling with what I can do when I’m fully aware it’s more to be done in order to execute properly. The feeling of intentionally not doing what you would like to, to assure you’re becoming better because you’re well and able while knowing you can’t be your best is doing something to me.
To think and truly comprehend the idea that I’m “nervous” from sitting in the house sounds wicked but I suppose it’s part of some overzealous process of making a “debut”, again, because I have been revitalizing my ability to put out new pieces and expand.
I was so happy to be finally expanding myself in different sectors of being creative and then life just froze. I HATE IT. In addition to being ardent in regards of when you get back to what you do best, it’s a possibility you lost it since realistically stuff won’t be the same. Although change and growth is good when it’s unprovoked/forced I’m realizing it is so WEAK to the point it’s unappreciated.
I’m unamused, unimpressed, and uninterested with my space. I can only influence and or inspire myself so much.
I want to elevate so badly in so many instances/aspects but I’m aware I am lacking something that’s causing me not to know how. So in the meantime I’ve just been floating and not focused while trying to gather inspiration from, unfortunately that has been resulting in my silence because I have nothing to say since I can’t even comprehend the feelings of much of nothing along with what life means at this time for me. The irritation gathered from all of this is draining also but fortunately even if it’s empty ideas I figure I keep spit balling them in the hopes everything will start flowing, again, although I don’t know what happens to be.
I’ve outgrown (or I’m more so in the process of outgrowing) myself and I appreciate that but I’ve realized I don’t know how to be in control of what I want and the funny thing about that is as I write this I’ve come to the conclusion that’s probably the point. To let life. I can’t explain the emptiness I’m feeling it’s in no regards of creativity either I know it’s a transition though, to transcend whatever that means it sounds like it goes with what I’m saying though. I suppose I’m supposed to be learning something right now yet I’m so focused on what I’m not doing/feeling I can’t enjoy the process I’m being put through having time to “learn”, realize, rationalize, and or discover to help me create as I do nothing because I’m ANXIOUS … to execute.
I assume I shouldn’t shut myself down but since I write on what I know & feel if I’ve given all the knowledge I have gained in this lifetime of mine at this time… I have nothing to enlighten you with, If I feel no ways so it’s nothing to talk about resulting in nothing at all and I’m better than that. So you see how I grow irritated with the process. I feel free and pointless at the same time and I’m so okay with it the flow of, “nothing”, I’m comfortably uncomfortable with the fact I’m not learning when in fact I’m just simply living.
As I reread this I also figure this process is scary to me since I’ve come to the current end of and I’m on my way to my next journey of what just might be content expansion but I’m so focused on my purpose not being fulfilled without my satisfaction when really I need not forget It’s still more to come.